Red Journey - Chapter One

Dim light filtered into the tumble-down shed through a small, dusty window placed high on the wall opposite the rusty-hinged door. Every board and plank of wood that made up the old shed was rotten in some place or other, while many of the roof’s shingles were missing, revealing the black paper underneath. Mesh wire crates, similar to lobster traps, were stacked in three rows against the back wall. With a closer inspection, one would find that a few of the crates were occupied by small furry animals.

Mother dogs with their suckling litters were apparently kept in the top row of crates. The air was filled with the squeaking sound of the crying pups, hungry for food that their mothers could not provide. One of the cages contained a miniature Australian shepherd and her three puppies, and, although probably on her deathbed because of the sickening conditions, she gathered her newest litter close to her to keep them warm.

“Come, my pups,” she said to them, pulling them even closer. “If ever I am not with you, make sure you keep together. No one will challenge your strength if you are in a group.”

The blue merle female yipped and bit the ear of her tricolor brother. He growled in response and tackled her, causing them both to tumble into the mesh and fall back to bottom of the crate. Meanwhile, their ‘red’ brother, the smallest of the litter, snuggled up to their mother, feeling her heartbeat, even through her warm, thick coat.

“Mom,” he said, looking up at her, “why do you talk about not being here? You’ve been around as long as I can remember.”

She nudged him tenderly with her nose and said, “Sweetie, I’ve been here your whole life. And don’t worry yourself. I don’t plan on leaving you three anytime soon. It’s just that none of us can control our fate, and whatever force does control that may decide that we need to part ways at some point. But, like I said, I don’t plan on leaving. Anyhow, you would have to look after your rambunctious siblings.” Then, licking him on the top of the head, she said to all three of them, “Alright, come on. Time for sleep. Even the strongest mutts need their rest.”

The two playing pups stopped in their tracks and looked at their mother, their eyes pleading. The blue merle whined and said, “Aw, come on, Mom! Just a few more minutes! Please?”

“Oh, no,” their mother replied as they all lay down beside her. “If I let you stay up now, I’ll never get you to go to sleep later. And don’t worry. You’ll have plenty of time to play in the morning. Now, goodnight, my dears.”

Each puppy replied, “Good night,” before lying their heads down and slowly falling into a deep slumber.



A week later, all three pups played together, having all grown considerably during the last week, while their mother watched them, her eyes heavy. In fact, she knew in her heart that she would not be around for very much longer and that her three growing puppies would quickly have to learn how to take care of themselves.

But, suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, she saw the two-legged creature that had taken her last litter, and she decided that it would not get these three. As the creature opened the mesh at the top of the crate, the pups’ mother slammed her whole weight into one side, toward the creature, causing the whole crate to crash to the floor.

“Run, children, run!” she cried to her pups. They were dazed, though, having not expected the entire crate to come tumbling down from its height with them in it. So, quickly, she picked each up by their scruff and tossed them out and onto the cold stone floor, where they all landed with their legs sprawled out from under themselves. Then, she, too, leaped out as the two-legged creature finally grasped what was happening in front of it.

Herding her children as she might with sheep, she took them out through the swinging shed door into the bright sunlight. As they stopped to squint in this new, brighter light, their mother nipped at their tails.

“Hurry, now, to that hole in the fence. You can squeeze through and escape this retched place forever.”

They immediately made for the hole she motioned to, but as soon as he saw it, he knew there was no way their mother would be able to get through it. And, as soon as they got to it, he was pushed through first, easily slipping to the other side. Ignoring his change of scenery, he turned to pull the next one out.

His brother was pushed through next, but, being the biggest of the pups, he soon got his husky stomach caught. Fortunately, with the help of the red male on one side and their mother on the other, they quickly had him pushed through the narrow space that their sister also got stuck in. But, before they could get her out, the boys heard their growl and then give out a yelp, along with a mumbling sound that they couldn’t understand. Suddenly, they turned their attention back to their sister.

“Help! It’s got my tail!”

As soon as the words left her mouth, her two brothers were at her side, pulling as hard as they possibly could. Sadly, this game of tug-of-war was a lost cause, and, before too long, their sister was pulled away from them. The boys saw her wriggle and squirm once more before she was listed off the ground by her scruff. The sound of the two-legged creature’s footsteps walking away was followed by a long silence, during which the two pups sat staring at the space where their sister had been only a few moments before. Finally, the sound of the creature’s returning footsteps brought them back their senses enough for them to turn and run down the hill they suddenly faced.



Meanwhile, their sister was carried off by the two-legged creature who took her into a dimly-lit barn that smelled of musty hay and dust. Once in here, he had opened on the many chain-link gates that had replaced the stall doors, and she had been tossed in, fortunately landing on an old pile of straw that cushioned her fall.

As soon as she regained her balance and shook herself clean, she bounded back to the gate where she could see a few other dogs in stalls similar to hers. Across the barn aisle, she saw a German shepherd who looked to be only about a year old. Immediately, he looked over at her, only to turn away bashfully. Then, she noticed a white husky who looked at her with kindness in her pure blue eyes and called to her.

“Hey, sweetheart,” she said in a strong but comforting voice. “What’s your name?”

“Uh, my name? Um, well… I don’t think I have one. I mean, my brother used to call me Blue Jay because of my color.”

“Blue Jay, eh?” the husky replied. “It’s very fitting. But I think just Jay would be much easier to remember. My name’s Angel. And that rogue over there being all bashful is Scout. Oh, and under that shy mask, he’s actually quite mischievous.”

“Angel, I am not!” This was the first time Jay heard the German shepherd, named Scout, speak and his voice was deep but somehow melodic.

“Oh, you know good and well that you get into more trouble around here than the rest of us.” Then, Angel turned back to Jay and said, “No matter what he says, ignore it. He’s a trouble maker at heart.”

“Um, well, okay. If you say so.” Jay glanced over at Scout to just catch him staring at her again, and, when she did, he turned away again. It was a cute habit that Jay thought she might just begin to like.



At the bottom of the hill, the two boys had to cross a small stream. Fortunately, it wasn’t deep at all, only soaking their paws, and it was the middle of the summer so, to the pups, it felt quite good. This was soon lost in their mind, though, because they were busy worrying about their sister and mother and where they would go now that they were on their own.

“Hey, Red, where are we going?” called out the tricolor male.

“It took the red pup a moment to register the fact that his brother was referring to him as Red. When he finally did, he was thoroughly confused and had to stop for a moment to talk to his brother.

“Wait, did you call me Red? When did that become my name?”

“Well, that’s what me and Blue Jay have been calling you. I guess we forgot to tell you or use it around you.”

“Wait, Blue Jay? Our sister, right? Then what’s your name?”

“Well, Blue Jay would occasionally call me Thrush. Why?”

“I need to have something I can call you, right, Thrush? So, what were you asking again?”

“Oh, yeah. Where are we supposed to go? I mean, we never even left that crate before today, and it’s not like we know anyone else other than Mom and Blue Jay, you know?”

“Yeah, I hadn’t really thought about that. I was just thinking we needed to get as far away from that place as we possibly could.”

“Shouldn’t we go back and try to get them out, too?”

“Well, Mom told us to just run, and I’m afraid that if we go back in, there’s a really good chance we won’t come back out again. So, we’re just going to have to hope that they find their own way out.”

“Yeah, I guess so. So, where to?”

“I suggest we head into these woods. I don’t like being out in the open like this, and the trees look like they might provide more cover for us, in case the two-leg comes looking for us. And we might even be able to find a little something to eat, too.”

With that the two pups trotted into the forest of strange smells and sounds. But, unbeknownst to them, they were being watched by a pair of yellow gold eyes hidden in the bushes only a few feet from where they had been standing.

Hey, Majic, welcome to YWS!

Okay, so here's my mini review....

MajicJumper wrote:Dim light filtered into the tumble-down shed through a small, dusty window placed high on the wall opposite the rusty-hinged door. Every board and plank of wood that made up the old shed was rotten in some place or other [sounds a little awkward, try 'some place or another' - or 'some place or the other'], while many of the roof’s shingles were missing, revealing the black paper underneath. Mesh wire crates, similar to lobster traps, were stacked in three rows against the back wall. With a closer inspection, one would find that a few of the crates were occupied by small furry animals. [really great atmosphere created here - good job! ]

Mother dogs with their suckling litters were apparently [I'd take out the apparently a) you spelt it wrong anyway, b) because this isn't a person or animal describing so it seems unnecessary]kept in the top row of crates. The air was filled with the squeaking sound of the crying pups, hungry for food that their mothers could not provide. One of the cages contained a miniature Australian shepherd and her three puppies, and, although probably on her deathbed because of the sickening conditions, she gathered her newest litter close to her to keep them warm.

“Come, my pups,” she said to them, pulling them even closer. “If ever I am not with you, make sure you keep together. No one will challenge your strength if you are in a group.”

The blue merle [capitalize Merle] female yipped and bit the ear of her tricolor brother. He growled in response and tackled her, causing them both to tumble into the mesh and fall back to bottom of the crate. Meanwhile, their ‘red’ brother, the smallest of the litter, snuggled up to their mother, feeling her heartbeat, even through her warm, thick coat.

“Mom,” he said, looking up at her, “why do you talk about not being here? You’ve been around as long as I can remember.”

She nudged him tenderly with her nose and said, “Sweetie, I’ve been here your whole life. And don’t worry yourself. I don’t plan on leaving you three anytime soon. It’s just that none of us can control our fate, and whatever force does may decide that we need to part ways at some point. But, like I said, I don’t plan on leaving. Anyhow, you would have to look after your rambunctious siblings.” [to me the last 2 lines of the mother's speech kind of goes off track - or maybe it's just me ] Then, licking him on the top of the head, she said to all three of them, “Alright, come on. Time for sleep. Even the strongest mutts need their rest.”

Okay so I didn't review all of it because there's not much to correct. So, I like this, it's really cute and heartbreaking at the same time, I loved how you portrayed the love and concern of the mother - it added some really nice emotions into this piece.

It's early days as far as judging the plot - I'm guessing the next chapter is going to be about how the pup's survive on their own.

Overall, good job with this and don't hesitate to pm me if you have any questions, we're all here to help

Happy writing!

*coco

Hey Majic, here as you requested.

Seeing as this was fairly alright grammar-wise, and due to the size of the piece, I will not be nitpicking.

Plot:
Not bad. I don't read anthroporic or wolf stories, seeing as I'm not really into that stuff. Nevertheless, it was intriguing.

Characters:
There was a little confusion when you were introduction some characters to Jay:

Across the barn aisle, she saw a German shepherd who looked to be only about a year old. Immediately, he looked over at her, only to turn away bashfully. Then, she noticed a white husky who looked at her with kindness in her pure blue eyes and called to her.

“Hey, sweetheart,” she said in a strong but comforting voice. “What’s your name?”

“Uh, my name? Um, well… I don’t think I have one. I mean, my brother used to call me Blue Jay because of my color.”

“Blue Jay, eh?” the husky replied. “It’s very fitting. But I think just Jay would be much easier to remember. My name’s Angel. And that rogue over there being all bashful is Scout. Oh, and under that shy mask, he’s actually quite mischievous.”

“Angel, I am not!” This was the first time Jay heard the German shepherd, named Scout, speak and his voice was deep but somehow melodic.

“Oh, you know good and well that you get into more trouble around here than the rest of us.” Then, Angel turned back to Jay and said, “No matter what he says, ignore it. He’s a trouble maker at heart.”

So, the husky is Angel but why in the world would Scout say "Angel, I am not?" I know what you're going for, which is for Scout to protest he is not mischievous, but it actually sounds like Scout's trying to defy that his name is Angel, which doesn't make any sense. A bit of re-wording would do wonders here. Something like this:
[ ...Oh, and under that mask, he's actually quite mischievous."
"I'm not mischievous, Angel!" ]

Writing Techniques:
Hmm. You're doing far too much describing on its own, whereas you need to describe something while the action is happening. For example, let's look at your first two paragraphs:

Dim light filtered into the tumble-down shed through a small, dusty window placed high on the wall opposite the rusty-hinged door. Every board and plank of wood that made up the old shed was rotten in some place or other, while many of the roof’s shingles were missing, revealing the black paper underneath. Mesh wire crates, similar to lobster traps, were stacked in three rows against the back wall. With a closer inspection, one would find that a few of the crates were occupied by small furry animals.

Mother dogs with their suckling litters were apparently kept in the top row of crates. The air was filled with the squeaking sound of the crying pups, hungry for food that their mothers could not provide. One of the cages contained a miniature Australian shepherd and her three puppies, and, although probably on her deathbed because of the sickening conditions, she gathered her newest litter close to her to keep them warm.

Now, take a look at my re-wording:
"Faint, dulled light filtered half-heartedly through the dusty window, into the wooden barn, and onto the Australian shepherd. The light played with the shadows on her fur coat. She wriggled closer so her whole body could gather those few, feeble rays, and whined. Moving was hard in a small mesh cage.

Resting her head on her paw, she shifted her gaze to her three little puppies, who were squealing and growling as they played with each other. She knew it was hard for them to be kept in a claustrophobic cage like this, when puppies need to learn and grow outside in the fresh air.

Not that they were the only dogs in cages, though. Scattered around the rusty barn were other puppies in cages, similar to lobster traps, squeaking for food that their mothers couldn’t provide.

The shepherd gathered her puppies close to her, wishing to keep them warm. She snuggled them with her muzzle, and closed her eyes. She was sick from the poor conditions, and most likely on her deathbed because of them, yet she always had time to cuddle and protect her young ones.
"
This is how you can combine actions with descriptions.

Keep writing!
-Maddy

Thanks to both of you for the extremely helpful reviews. I'm going to make notes of all of this in my writing!

Hi! Here is your review, as requested. It may run a little long, so bear with me. I like this story a lot—it reminds me of the warriors series, which I used to really like. Oh, and sorry you had to wait so long. . I’m in the process of moving now.
I’ll start with a few line-by line things:

Mother dogs with their suckling litters were apparently kept in the top row of crates. The air was filled with the squeaking sound of the crying pups, hungry for food that their mothers could not provide. One of the cages contained a miniature Australian shepherd and her three puppies, and, although probably on her deathbed because of the sickening conditions, she gathered her newest litter close to her to keep them warm.

Get rid of the “one would see xx” parts as well as the ‘apparently’. It’s not needed. Also, all we know is that it’s probably a very small space that they are kept in, but that’s not altogether “sickening”. SHOW us how bad it is with more description.

“Come, my pups,” she said to them, pulling them even closer. “If ever I am not with you, make sure you keep together. No one will challenge your strength if you are in a group.”

This is an odd time for her to be saying this. Maybe she’s just realized she’s going to die? Or does she hear the person coming?

“Alright, come on. Time for sleep. Even the strongest mutts need their rest.”

This makes it sound like she’s calling them back from somewhere, and (since I think this is probably a puppy mill or something) it would probably be a pretty small space.

But, suddenly, out of the corner of her eye,

Avoid the word ‘suddenly’.

A week later, all three pups played together, having all grown considerably during the last week, while their mother watched them, her eyes heavy.

Repetition of ‘week’. Also, eyes themselves can’t really be heavy, can they? Eyelids could, or her head...

and she decided that it would not get these three. As the creature opened the mesh at the top of the crate, the pups’ mother slammed her whole weight into one side, toward the creature, causing the whole crate to crash to the floor.

This moves a little too quickly—she seems to make this decision very fast considering she hasn’t thought about it for the whole narrative up to this point.

the boys heard their growl and then give out a yelp

Who is “their?” I found this confusing.

Suddenly, they turned their attention back to their sister.

Again, “suddenly” is an extremely weak word.

The boys saw her wriggle and squirm once more before she was listed off the ground by her scruff. The sound of the two-legged creature’s footsteps walking away was followed by a long silence, during which the two pups sat staring at the space where their sister had been only a few moments before. Finally, the sound of the creature’s returning footsteps brought them back their senses enough for them to turn and run down the hill they suddenly faced.

“listed” should be “lifted”. I like the idea of them being stunned, though. But how did this two-legger get both Jay and their mother? Oh, and get rid of the suddenly here too.

As soon as she regained her balance and shook herself clean, she bounded back to the gate where she could see a few other dogs in stalls similar to hers. Across the barn aisle, she saw a German shepherd who looked to be only about a year old. Immediately, he looked over at her, only to turn away bashfully. Then, she noticed a white husky who looked at her with kindness in her pure blue eyes and called to her.

Why wasn’t she put back into the room with the cages? I think this could be clearer. Also, this feels very rushed. I’d give her a little more time for her to stand up, look around, etc, before launching in to other descriptions.

“It took the red pup a moment to register the fact that his brother was referring to him as Red. When he finally did, he was thoroughly confused and had to stop for a moment to talk to his brother.

No quote mark here. Also, the whole part about their names was a little off, in my opinion. They obviously know what names are, so why don’t they have names for themselves? Actually, if it were me, I’d give them names in the beginning and cut this whole part out.

“Yeah, I hadn’t really thought about that. I was just thinking we needed to get as far away from that place as we possibly could.”

“Shouldn’t we go back and try to get them out, too?”

“Well, Mom told us to just run, and I’m afraid that if we go back in, there’s a really good chance we won’t come back out again. So, we’re just going to have to hope that they find their own way out.”

“Yeah, I guess so. So, where to?”

This dialogue feels very stilted. They should sound like pups! After all, they’re probably very young, and have never seen the outside world.

But, unbeknownst to them, they were being watched by a pair of yellow gold eyes hidden in the bushes only a few feet from where they had been standing.

Wow, nice chapter ending. My only complaint is that up to this point, you were really focusing on what the dogs could see, and when you zoomed out suddenly it lifted me out of the story.
That covers the line-by-line stuff, I think. Only three things overall:
1) Description. We really have no idea what anything looks like other than the brief mention in the first paragraph. What does the outside look like? What color is the field? What are the buildings like?
2) Pacing. This moved too quickly in some parts, in my opinion. While it’s good that you started with some action, try giving the reader some room to breathe and think about what we’ve learned already before moving on to the next bit. For example, I’d suggest moving the part with Jay to the end, maybe making it it’s own chapter. That way you could just stay with Red and Thrush’s POV all the way to the end, and then pick up her story without the abrupt transitions.
3) What happened to their mother? I’m very confused by this. First she was nipping at their tails, then there is no mention of her. I’d at least mention her being picked up, etc. Even if the pups don’t see this happening, they could notice her absence.
4) Ok, maybe four things . Make sure you do a thorough run-through to pick up spelling errors, typos, etc.
Hope this helps you! And let me know if you ever need another review.
See you around!

Lupis