Young Writers Society

Note from author :
This is the same story as 'the heart of a god'.
I rewrote the story as the previous format wasn't working for me.
Now each chapter is narrated by a different character.
Please spare some of your precious time and go through my previous chapter and compare them and tell me if I have improved or not.
You don't have any idea how much your comments means to me, if you liked this piece even just a little bit then post at least a 'nice', it's more than enough to give me the motivation needed to write more.
Sorry for writing such a big note by the way. I won't waste any more of your time.
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Shades of the Heart

Chapter 1

Narrated by: Eos Edgar

A speck of dust is definitely the most amazing thing in this world.
Despite being insignificant and negligible it has the ability to paint the sky blue and the power to light up the heavens with fire.
And sometimes it also change’s people’s lives, alter their destinies and modify the course of time.
At least that’s what it did to me.
My story starts from a windy twilight, the Sun was in the winter of it’s life and it’s last breaths gave the sky a scarlet sheen.
I was standing on the balcony of my room and the golden walls of the royal palace, my home which floated high above in the sky, was shining in it’s full glory.
Tears rolled down my cheeks; my brother had defeated me again.
From childhood he had been one step ahead of me- he had started using magic at the age of six, I learned it when I was ten; he had completed learning geography, science, history and politics at the age of thirteen, I am sixteen and my studies are only half-way complete.
And now he had done what is considered to be the ultimate sign of greatness- he had learned to transform!
Only a few people have been able to do it before, though almost everyone in our family have this ability, but no one in the past have learned it at seventeen.
Now he would definitely be the heir to the throne!
This thought killed me, I almost felt like choking.
It was always my dream to succeed my father, to rectify all the cruel sins he had committed, to bring back all my family members who were a threat to my father and were now lifeless stone statues, to free all the relatives of the Gods who lost to my father and were tortured until their souls willingly left their bodies, and to do so much more.
But now my heartless brother would succeed him instead, and the world will fall deeper into the abyss of chaos and cruelty.
I felt hopeless and felt like ending my life, but alas, I was immortal.
At that moment I hated being a God.
But just when everything in life seemed to have ended, a gust of wind blew by and the dusty particles in it scattered the last red rays of the Sun, transforming into minute rubies in the process.
At that moment everything stopped, and it seemed that there were only two things in this world- me and those twinkling gems.
And it was then that I truly understood the meaning of these lines I read when I was ten-
“To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour.”
It seemed that William Blake wrote it especially for me; I was actually able to see a world in those grains of sand.
And finally when that moment passed, and I came back to my senses, I discovered that I had become dust myself! I had transformed!
I was ecstatic, euphoric, exhilarated, overjoyed, delirious and everything else; I had just become the youngest person alive to be able to transform!
Now I was sure to become the heir to my father’s throne; now I would become the king of the world!
Full with indescribable joy, I flew straight out of the palace and went down into the city of Shakti, the capital of the world.
I flew by the marble streets and the grassy outskirts of the city and went into the thick woods that surrounded it.
There, by the river, I saw a beautiful figure, dancing in the middle of the forest.
It was a human young girl, with extremely long hair, which covered most of her body and shined with a lustrous glow.
With her eyes closed, she danced with full concentration.
Her hypnotic movements were like that of a fast, flowing river; soft yet a little aggressive.
Bewitched by her aggressive and delicate grace I flew beside her and ran my fingers through her soft hair, I caressed her warm, rosy cheeks and I touched her white, slender arms.
But of course she thought it was only the wind.
I watched her dance all through the night and fell asleep in the woods.
The warmth of the morning Sun woke me up the next day. I looked all around and discovered that the girl had gone.
I turned into dust again and went back home.
That day I wasn’t able to concentrate on my studies, find taste in my food or feel the joy I used to feel when I did my favourite things.
All I could think of was about that longhaired girl who danced in the forest and whom I watched in awe all night. Often I would also wonder if having such feelings for a human was all right or not, but I didn’t care much, logic doesn’t work in love.
The day passed with utter restlessness and anxiousness; and when the Sun died again I quickly transformed and flew straight into the forest.
There I found that girl dancing again.
Loosing all control over myself, I flew over to her and hugged her tight.
Startled, She stopped.
I don’t know what I was thinking at that moment but I reappeared before her.
She let out a little squeal.
”Who are you?” She screamed.
But I didn’t reply, it seemed that I was hypnotised by the glow of her pearl white face.
“Who the heck are you?” She repeated her question.
I still didn’t reply and kept on staring into her eyes; so she slapped me hard on my face.
It was then that I came back to my senses.
“I..I am sorry.” I mumbled.
"Go away." She said.
" I love you!" I said loosing control once again.
I stared into her eyes and she stared back, and it was the second time in a day that time had stopped for me.
She blushed and probably I was doing the same too.
“I can see that.” She said smiling.
I smiled back and for another moment we kept on gazing into each other’s eyes.
Then abruptly she broke the eye contact. “ I am sorry, this can’t happen.” She said looking away. "Go away."
"But I really do." I begged like a desperate beggar.
“I am sorry.” She said, her voice devoid of any emotions.
“Please give me a chance.” I pleaded.
“No!” She screamed in a rude voice.
“But why?” I said with a tinge of anger and frustration in my voice.
"Because I am a prostitute!" she screamed with tears running down her eyes.
"I don't believe it!" I said.
In reply she removed her thick long hair from her front and it was then that I discovered that she wasn't wearing any clothes at all. All over her body there were scratch marks and wounds.
"Go!" She said turning away from me.
"But why do you do it?"
"Because I need money to survive. Now go."
But Instead of going away I went to her. I caressed her wounds and slowly they disappeared.
I slid my hand between her legs and her hymen was restored.
"I will take care of you now." I smiled.
Not believing her eyes she touched the places where her wounds had been to confirm that it wasn't an illusion.
When she realized what had just happened she hugged me and started weeping with joy.
I hugged her back and I could feel her heart beating against my chest.
For a moment we remained entwined. Then I made her drink some water from the river and then we both sat on the grass beside the riverbank.
She gazed into my eyes and I gazed into hers.
"I love you." I whispered.
"I love you too." She whispered back.
Then we hugged, and lied down, still our arms tightly hugging each other.
Listening to the lullaby of our hearts we fell asleep.

I didn't read your first one, but your new one is really good I like your created world (really creative!) Your story line was amazing and very interesting to read, but I think you went too fast with it. Add some more details and simpler things that go along with the story. stretch out the chapter or place some of your ideas in the next chapter. You also should reconstruct your paragraphs. You don't need to space after every sentence and don't put them all together either. Also you need to take a look at your grammar and spelling sorry if I seem to be too critical but I'm just trying to help. PM me if you have any questions.
Alyson

Hey, Spike! I really liked the title and synopsis of this piece, so I thought I’d stop by. ^_^

Just some really quick advice—I think it would help out if you spaced out your paragraphs a little. It makes things so much easier to read, which makes people a lot more enthusiastic about reading. XDD It’s such a little thing, but it can make a major difference.

Okay, on to the story!

First of all, I think your created world was very interesting, and I liked the way you set it up. It seems like there must be a really interesting story behind the whole situation with the King of the Gods, Eos’s brother, and the chaos and destruction they have caused—I’m really interested to learn more about that. Eos’s character was very likable from the beginning, I liked his feelings of inadequacy, his worries that he isn’t good enough to help or change the world—I think those are very relatable struggles. It was kind of interesting how the story went forward and how he interacted with the world—it reminded me of, like, a Greek myth or something, and it was pretty cool how it developed.

I do agree with the reviewer above me that everything seemed a little rushed, however. It seems like everything happened a little fast, and we’d barely met the characters, and then they were suddenly in love, and I was left wondering what had just happened. XD I think maybe there should be a little more time for the love between them to develop, to show more of both their characters. I’d like to know more about the long-haired girl, actually—we know next to nothing about her, so at the moment she doesn’t seem as real as Eos does, which makes her harder to like and sympathize with. Then again, since your chapters switch perspectives, maybe we’ll hear from her soon? I’d like to. ^_^

This is a good start, and I think with a little elaboration, a little more development, and some more insight into the characters, it could be really great. Keep on trying—you’re doing well so far! Hope this review helps you out. Let me know when chapter two’s up, I’ll try and stop by. ^_^

A speck of dust is definitely the most amazing thing in this world.
Despite being insignificant and negligible it has the ability to paint the sky blue and the power to light up the heavens with fire. (I’m just wondering how a speck of dust can paint or create fire. Great opening line though.)
And sometimes it also change’s people’s lives, alter their destinies and modify the course of time. It can also change people’s lives, alter their destinies, and modify the course of time. This I know from experience.
At least that’s what it did to me. (I thought this sounded a little overdramatic for the beginning)
My story starts from a windy twilight, the Sun was in the winter of it’s life and it’s last breaths gave the sky a scarlet sheen. I didn’t really understand this sentence at all. Way too confusing. And I think It’s is supposed to be its. Maybe you could say “It all goes back to a time when the Sun was life, breathing vibrant scarlet shades into the sky.” I don’t really know if this works, but the ‘my story begins’ introduction fell flat.
I was standing on the balcony of my room and the golden walls of the royal palace, my home which floated high above in the sky, was shining in it’s full glory. This feels like a run-on sentence. Read it very slowly to yourself and see what I mean.
Tears rolled down my cheeks; my brother had defeated me again.
From childhood he had been one step ahead of me- he had started using magic at the age of six, I learned it when I was ten; he had completed learning geography, science, history and politics at the age of thirteen, I am sixteen and my studies are only half-way complete. Even in childhood he had always been one step ahead of me; he started using magic when he was six, I began at ten. He finished all his studies at the age of thirteen, and I, at sixteen years of age, am still only half complete.
And now he had done what is considered to be the ultimate sign of greatness- he had learned to transform! I think accomplished is a better word choice than ‘done’.
Only a few people have been able to do it before, though almost everyone in our family have this ability, but no one in the past have learned it at seventeen. Only a handful of people are able to do this, most of them in our family, but no one has achieved this feat at seventeen.
Now he would definitely be the heir to the throne!
This thought killed me, I almost felt like choking. (you separate two independent clauses with a semicolon. This thought killed me; I felt like choking.)
It was always my dream to succeed my father, to rectify all the cruel sins he had committed, to bring back all my family members who were a threat to my father and were now lifeless stone statues, to free all the relatives of the Gods who lost to my father and were tortured until their souls willingly left their bodies, and to do so much more.
But now my heartless brother would succeed him instead, and the world will fall deeper into the abyss of chaos and cruelty. It was my dream to succeed my father. I knew that I was the best person to rectify all the cruel sins he had committed. I also knew that if my brother was in command, he would lead the world deeper into the abyss of chaos and cruelty my father had created.
I felt hopeless and felt like ending my life, but alas, I was immortal.
At that moment I hated being a God. I felt hopeless; utterly useless. I wouldn’t be able to sit idly by and watch my world go to ruin. I wished to end my life, but alas, I was immortal. At that moment I despised being a God.
But just when everything in life seemed to have ended, a gust of wind blew by and the dusty particles in it scattered the last red rays of the Sun, transforming into minute rubies in the process. (even though this gives me a stunningly beautiful visual, I don’t understand it.)
At that moment everything stopped, and it seemed that there were only two things in this world- me and those twinkling gems.
And it was then that I truly understood the meaning of these lines I read when I was ten-
“To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour.”
It seemed that William Blake wrote it especially for me; I was actually able to see a world in those grains of sand. (I thought it was dust not sand, but whatever)
And finally when that moment passed, and I came back to my senses, I discovered that I had become dust myself! I had transformed!
I was ecstatic, euphoric, exhilarated, overjoyed, delirious and everything else; I had just become the youngest person alive to be able to transform! (just keep it to one or two words that describe who you feel. You really don’t need all of those and it feels like you can’t make up your mind.)
Now I was sure to become the heir to my father’s throne; now I would become the king of the world! (You should leave this line out because we’re not dumb and I have already deducted this)
Full with indescribable joy, I flew straight out of the palace and went down into the city of Shakti, the capital of the world. (So you flew… while being dust?)
I flew by the marble streets and the grassy outskirts of the city and went into the thick woods that surrounded it. I flew past the marble streets and beyond the outskirts of the great city, into the thick woods that surrounded it. [color=#00BF00](this still seems like a long sentence to me)[/color]
There, by the river, I saw a beautiful figure, dancing in the middle of the forest.
It was a human young girl, with extremely long hair, which covered most of her body and shined with a lustrous glow. There, by the river, I saw a beautiful figure dancing in the middle of the forest. It was a human young girl. She had extremely long hair that covered most of her body and shined with a lustrous glow. She danced with deep concentration, oblivious to the fact that I was watching her movements in awe.
With her eyes closed, she danced with full concentration.
Her hypnotic movements were like that of a fast, flowing river; soft yet a little aggressive.
Bewitched by her aggressive and delicate grace I flew beside her and ran my fingers through her soft hair, I caressed her warm, rosy cheeks and I touched her white, slender arms. (I really liked how you compared her movements to a river, but you should make that sentence flow smoother. Also find a way to reword ‘a little aggressive’ because that doesn’t make any sense. Use a synonym for aggressive to avoid using the same word twice. )

Bewitched by her delicate grace, I flew beside her and ran my fingers through her soft hair. (well since you were dust, you wouldn’t exactly have fingers anymore, would you?) I caressed her warm, rosy cheeks and gently touched her white, slender arms.

But of course she thought it was only the wind.
I watched her dance all through the night and fell asleep in the woods. I was thoroughly entranced by her, and watched her dance through the night. I ended up sleeping in the woods.
The warmth of the morning Sun woke me up the next day. I looked all around and discovered that the girl had gone. (Maybe ‘awoke’ is better than ‘woke me up’?) Looking around me, I realized that the strange girl had gone.
I turned into dust again and went back home. I transformed back into dust and flew myself back home.
That day I wasn’t able to concentrate on my studies, find taste in my food or feel the joy I used to feel when I did my favourite things.
All I could think of was about that longhaired girl who danced in the forest and whom I watched in awe all night.(leave this out. We’re not stupid, and we know you were thinking about her) Often I would also wonder if having such feelings for a human was all right or not, but I didn’t care much, logic doesn’t work in love. I pondered over whether having feelings for this human was proper for someone like me; a God.
The day passed with utter restlessness and anxiousness; and when the Sun died again I quickly transformed and flew straight into the forest. (A day can’t exactly pass ‘restlessly’. Find better words.)
There I found that girl dancing again. She was there again, just as she was the night before.
Loosing all control over myself, I flew over to her and hugged her tight.
Startled, She stopped.
I don’t know what I was thinking at that moment but I reappeared before her.
She let out a little squeal. (I like ‘yelp’ better than ‘a little squeal’ but that’s just me.)
”Who are you?” She screamed. (gasped? Screamed seems a little intense.)
But I didn’t reply, it seemed that I was hypnotised by the glow of her pearl white face.
“Who the heck are you?” She repeated her question.
I still didn’t reply and kept on staring into her eyes; so she slapped me hard on my face.
It was then that I came back to my senses.
“I..I am sorry.” I mumbled.
"Go away." She said.
" I love you!" I said loosing control once again.
I stared into her eyes and she stared back, and it was the second time in a day that time had stopped for me.
She blushed and probably I was doing the same too.
“I can see that.” She said smiling.
I smiled back and for another moment we kept on gazing into each other’s eyes.
Then abruptly she broke the eye contact. “ I am sorry, this can’t happen.” She said looking away. "Go away."
"But I really do." I begged like a desperate beggar. (Begged like a beggar? Lol)
“I am sorry.” She said, her voice devoid of any emotions.
“Please give me a chance.” I pleaded.
“No!” She screamed in a rude voice.
“But why?” I said with a tinge of anger and frustration in my voice.
"Because I am a prostitute!" she screamed with tears running down her eyes.
"I don't believe it!" I said.
In reply she removed her thick long hair from her front and it was then that I discovered that she wasn't wearing any clothes at all. All over her body there were scratch marks and wounds.
"Go!" She said turning away from me.
"But why do you do it?"
"Because I need money to survive. Now go."
But Instead of going away I went to her. I caressed her wounds and slowly they disappeared.
I slid my hand between her legs and her hymen was restored.
"I will take care of you now." I smiled.
Not believing her eyes she touched the places where her wounds had been to confirm that it wasn't an illusion.
When she realized what had just happened she hugged me and started weeping with joy.
I hugged her back and I could feel her heart beating against my chest.
For a moment we remained entwined. Then I made her drink some water from the river and then we both sat on the grass beside the riverbank.
She gazed into my eyes and I gazed into hers.
"I love you." I whispered.
"I love you too." She whispered back.
Then we hugged, and lied down, still our arms tightly hugging each other.
Listening to the lullaby of our hearts we fell asleep.





Spike! I’m back again Well, I thought this was an improvement from Heart of a God, but it ended up in the same place. I kind of have a small problem with the girl, because her reactions are a little strange. I would be frightened to see a man evaporate from thin air in front of me, and I would be saying ‘who are you? What do you want? Get away from me!’ which is what she did. But then she lets him slide his hands up her legs and doesn’t even try to fight him. Sure, that’s what prostitutes do, but your main character really comes off as creepy and I would really be freaked out by that. How would you feel if you were dancing in the middle of the woods, and then some guy comes out of nowhere going “I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOUR NAME IS BUT LET ME RUN MY HANDS ALL OVER YOU!” well, I exaggerated, but you get my point. Oh yea, and then she automatically falls in love with him after she’s seen him for about 30 seconds.

I really enjoyed reading the beginning that you rewrote! Your character has a really interesting background. I really liked how it was slow paced; I think this story flows a lot better at a slower pace. I have to applaud you for your vivid imagination, it’s absolutely breathtaking at some points and very fresh and original. I really love your writing style!

However, I think you need to spend some time straightening this into better paragraphs. Every line almost has its own paragraph! Bunch them together.

Also, I think it would do you some good to look up something that tells you how to properly use commas and semicolons. You sprinkled commas all over the place! It was crazy, man.

I made this a long review because I could tell you wanted some reviews badly! I hope I helped and that this didn’t seems like rambling.

~black sheep~