ThinPrettySmartStrong --- Lost

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Points: 805
Reviews: 336

Thu May 13, 2010 11:55 pm

Jas says...

The starved body
begs that she wouldn't,
Shove the finger down her throat;
She's empty

The vile words
her brain screams,
Fat, ugly, stupid, weak.
Her stomach grumbles and growls in protest

A smile reaches her sick lips
She's close to her goal
Ribs protruding, skin stretched
Just a little more to go

Reality mixes with fantasy;
Ghosts and demons
visit in the night,
Scaring her with tales of hell

She's lost in her mind,
Dizzy and confused;
Clarity comes in bursts
when she pushes the razor down

Painting pretty pictures on her skin,
The blade is her brush, scarlet red paint;
She washes the canvas clean
but the stains remain

The brightly colored candies
she takes daily,
Why don't they work?
Why does she still shake and shiver?

The white-faced phantom
tells her to hush, hush
"Eat more candy, they wont hurt your teeth"
She swallows the whole pack, racing it down with water

She sleeps

Last edited by Jas on Sat May 15, 2010 8:54 pm, edited 4 times in total.

I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~

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Points: 28282
Reviews: 884

Fri May 14, 2010 12:08 am

StoryWeaver13 says...

Tears only fall in private

This was the only line I didn't like. Other than that, I thought it was a really emotional (and kind of morbidly chilling) piece. Your descriptions were well-written and it flowed nicely. Add some periods and commas here and there, though, so it's not just an unending sentence. I really loved how you talked about the ghosts and demons and such, it was very descriptive.
Overall, really good.

Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket

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Points: 2563
Reviews: 8

Fri May 14, 2010 2:01 am

Mentalist says...

Time for an exciting critique from, moi.

jasminebells wrote:The starved body
begs that she wouldn't
Shove the finger down her throat
She's empty Hm, maybe think of a metaphor for a starved body, like ribs showing or something, ribs stretching skin, if you get what I mean, don't be so blunt, beat around the bush (while still giving the reader hints as to what you're talking about)

The vile words
her mother screams.
She locks herself up
Tears only fall in private What's the purpose of the last line in this stanza? Where is she locking herself? Is she locking her mind away, or physically locking herself away, in a room?

Reality mixes with fantasy
Ghosts and demons
visit in the night
Scaring her with tales of hell Don't just tell me about the ghosts and demons, show me what she sees, poetry is mostly about imagery and metaphors. You're expressing emotion through those two things, and it's very important.

She's lost in her mind
Dizzy and confused
Clarity comes in bursts
when she pushes the razor down

Making pictures on her skin
The blade is her brush, scarlet red paint;
She washes the canvas clean
but the stains, the scars remain I rather liked this stanza, but don't tell us what stands for what. Just say her brush dips into crimson paint, staining her canvas or something like that.

The pretty colored candies
she takes daily,
Why isn't it working?
Why does she still shake and shiver?

The white-faced phantom
tells her to hush, hush
"Eat more candy, they wont hurt your teeth"
She swallows the whole pack then
She sleeps Maybe make this last line stand on it's own, also, take off the "then" in the previous stanza. I don't think it flows with it.

This was a pretty good poem, I liked it overall. You have to work metaphors and imagery (I'm still working on it myself)

The mentalist has started, I'll be back to edit this.

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Points: 6086
Reviews: 43

Fri May 14, 2010 6:14 am

Emorykings says...

I think it was great what you did with you poem I enjoyed reading it. whatn i wasnt sure about was the title you call it "thinprettysmartstrong---lost" but in your poem in stanza 1 you made you of "Fat", why is that so?
Again I dont know if its just me but i didn't see a dem thing in the "green" stanza, take it out or make it black what difference does it make been green or Black.

Keep writing

when the answer to everything is lost then turn to the question in everything, cause everything is the only place you probably have not search

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Points: 58538
Reviews: 553

Fri May 14, 2010 12:50 pm

MiaParamore says...

Hi Jasmine. Here on request. I usually don;t do poetry reviews but this was a request and I don't ignore it. Sorry, if my review doesn't make much sense to you.

I think Mentalist gave you a detailed review on this.

The starved body
begs that she wouldn't Okay I don't have much knowledge about it but shouldn't there be a full-stop considering that you're beginning the next line with a capital letter.
Shove the finger down her throat
She's empty

The vile Nice word! words
her brain screams
Fat, ugly, stupid, weak
Her stomach grumbles and growls in protest

A smile reaches her sick lips
She's close to her goal
Ribs protruding, skin stretched
Just a little more to go You should definitely add on this line! I liked this stanza a lot!

Reality mixes with fantasy Awe! Bwautiful line!
Ghosts and demons
visit in the night
Scaring her with tales of hell

She's lost in her mind
Dizzy and confused
Clarity comes in bursts
when she pushes the razor down

Making pictures on her skin
The blade is her brush, scarlet red paint;
She washes the canvas clean
but the stains remain

The pretty colored candies
she takes daily,
Why don't they work?
Why does she still shake and shiver?

The white-faced phantom
tells her to hush, hush
"Eat more candy, they wont hurt your teeth"
She swallows the whole pack, racing it down with water

She sleeps

So as I mentioned before, I don;t know anything about poetry and I don;t have the ability to write one! But I liked this a lot. The story you took was nice and the words used were also. This seemed kind of confusing in the beginning, honestly saying, but then I got hang of it.

I would like to review another poem if you will post any so as to improve my critique abilities.

Do dial me when you post anything.

Flying off for now, leaving you with rather hopeless review.

"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore

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Points: 12142
Reviews: 91

Fri May 14, 2010 12:58 pm

Wolferion says...

Pretty much everything was said before me, so I'll skip to the stanza you added. I think it's a really good one and should be kept =) The words used, rhythm and imagery just made it seem and look nice to me. Just a side note, have you ever though about adding punctuation? It sometimes helps to let us, readers, know where to make a short stop etc. It just gives the rhythm and poetry with punctuation just makes more sense to me in terms of sentences as I know where the words belong then.

Good luck and keep writing!

~Don't beg for things, do it yourself or else you'll never get anything~
-Formerly Shinda

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Points: 44360
Reviews: 1087

Sat May 15, 2010 6:30 pm

Sins says...

Heya jas

Sorry I'm late reviewing!

The starved body
begs that she wouldn't
Shove the finger down her throat
She's empty
I think that this was a good opening. My only critique is that maybe you could rephrase it a bit? For example; Her starved body begs her not to shove her finger down her throat. She's empty. This is just a suggestion though.

The vile words
her brain screams
Fat, ugly, stupid, weak
Her stomach grumbles and growls in protest
My only nit-pick about this is the last line. It doesn't really have much to do with the first three lines. Maybe you could include this line when you are describing her hunger. In the beginning of this stanza, you are describing what she thinks really. The last line doesn't really fit in.

A smile reaches her sick lips
She's close to her goal
Ribs protruding, skin stretched
Just a little more to go
I liked this stanza! I especially liked the third line. I like the imagery that you give in this stanza, it's very effective.

She's lost in her mind
Dizzy and confused
Clarity comes in bursts
when she pushes the razor down
This stanza seemed a bit confusing to me. The last line was what confused me really, what razor...? I bet this is just me being thick... but yeah. If not, maybe you could clear this up!

Making pictures on her skin
The blade is her brush, scarlet red paint;
She washes the canvas clean
but the stains remain
Oh! I get the whole blade thing now! Wow, I am dull. Sorry... I liked the description in this, by the way.

The white-faced phantom
tells her to hush, hush
"Eat more candy, they wont hurt your teeth"
She swallows the whole pack, racing it down with water

She sleeps
If I understand this last part right, I really like how you've done it. She's taking an overdose, is she? If so, I really like how you've portrayed it.

Overall

I really did like this! I'm terrible at critiquing poetry so don't take my review too seriously. Like others have said, I adored your descriptions. Thankfully, you showed and didn't tell. Well done for that! A lot of people do that, especially when it comes to poetry. If you're not careful, it can be very hard to show and not tell. I commented on the stanzas where I especially liked your descriptions. For me, the beginning was a bit less descriptive, but you definitely made up for it in the following stanzas!

My only critique is to maybe include some commas, periods, semi colons and any other grammar marks into this. You've used some grammar marks in some places, I just think that you could use some more. All that you really need to do is add the odd comma here and there as well as the odd period, etcetera. Poems don't necessarily need grammar marks, or at least that's what lots of people seem to think. I personally think that they do though, it simply makes it easier to read. It also gives a nicer flow to the poem and it makes it sound less awkward.

Sorry if I haven't been much help, I'm bad at reviewing poetry...

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

I didn't know what to put here so I put this.

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Points: 32885
Reviews: 2058

Sun May 16, 2010 3:50 pm

Emerson says...

Hey there!

One thing that stuck out to me in this poem was that your punctuation isn't isn't real consistent. You have some punctuation - commas, semicolons - but they don't seem entirely used right (for example you don't need the comma at stanza one line two) and then you seem to lack punctuation entirely. You should clean this up, so it reads better. ^^ If you need help, I have a great article on Punctuation and Poetry in the Knowledge Base. There are also many other articles about the same thing.

This poem has a huge emotional punch in it, but I feel like it's full of too much - even if it is realistic. It's too much for one poem. Bulimia, cutting, suicide. It's too much for one poem. You can't focus strong enough on one topic to get the full power of it because then you switch to the next topic. This might be something you do in a poem "set" - write one on each topic, to go together. That way you don't lose the power behind each idea.

Also, don't just fill the poem with everything terrible, bad, and sad. I'm not saying you have to write about puppies and kitties and rainbows, but if you load the poem up with so much negativity, it starts to feel unreal. I myself have dealt with depression and cutting, I've had friends who dealt with eating disorders, and many other issues. You need to not only write about all the emotions but bring the reader into them, and it might make it harder for the reader to do that if there is so much bad stuff in the poem that it seems unreal. I think splitting the ideas into several poems may help you a lot.

You do have some good lines here, and you know what you're talking about, and that's very good. Best of luck!

“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

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Points: 7539
Reviews: 374

Thu Feb 03, 2011 6:12 pm

BondGirl007 says...

Jaaaaas I don't want to do this no more Dx But I will because I want to get my next star.

The starved body
begs that she wouldn't,
Shove the finger down her throat;
She's empty

Don't like. It sounds like a demented Dr. Suess poem, doooon't liiike.

The white-faced phantom
tells her to hush, hush
"Eat more candy, they wont hurt your teeth"
She swallows the whole pack, racing it down with water

Too wordy here Jas, ruins the flow. I like the way you made the pills into candy, but I don't like the 'they won't hurt your teeth' part at all. It's an alright poem, the theme is a little overdone at times, but it's hard to find one that's not. But you didn't do to badly, it wasn't your best, but it was still good.

~Hope

"I'd rather be hated for being who I am, then loved for who I'm not."

Young Writers Society

ThinPrettySmartStrong --- Lost

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