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Young Writers Society


Chapter 2: Teal'C



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Gender: Female
Points: 1391
Reviews: 9
Sat May 08, 2010 8:42 pm
JAS13 says...



Teal'C

"Why the hell did you do that for" I screamed at Anna who was lounging near the airport water taps. A buzz echoed through the white walls of Auckland National Airport making me feel all happy and giddy inside.
"You know perfectly well why, I don't need you crap right now Teal'C" Anna practically spat at me, she grabbed at her I-pod which had swung slightly out of her forceful grip.
Loud music drummed from the small little green earphones clearly, making me wonder how the she could hear me through those things.
"Far-out Annie!” I rubbed my cheek and pouted my lips sulkily.
She nodded stubbornly and looked out the translucent window that stood on either side of us.

Anna was about a few centimeters taller than me so I couldn't tower over her and look scary but I could nag her till she came to her senses. I looked around to see if Mum or Dad were coming from the luggage area.
Their flight to the Sahara Desert was due to depart any minute and I really didn't like sitting in this airport waiting for my own to become ready to depart. I had already done all the fun things in the airport anyway, there was nothing left to do but sit and stare at the tourists entering the country!

"Anna at least try to smile this is our last day with Mum and dad for who knows how long. Just smile you could get a free present" I bartered grinning at her.
"Teal'C leave me freaking alone!" She cried making a couple of Japanese tourists turn and look at her stupid attempt to make me leave. I of course wasn't going to budge, other than Anna I had had a great time two nights ago. May have lost five bucks and my DVD collection but who cares I got a mood ring in return. Trying to beat my friends in a game UNO is like trying to get a cow to stop eating. Impossible.

I won once though against Maryanne but everyone wins against her. If it weren't for her mum coming early she would have lost the clothes on her back.
"This is all Mum’s and Dad’s fault. I am not going to suck up to them so I can get a stupid present" Anna mumbled looking down at her I-pod.
"Oh for heaven’s sake Anna seriously you are acting worse than me"
“We’re about to leave soon anyway so just go and play with the stupid water bubblers"
"It is called sippy taps for your information and no! I actually love my parents and I actually love everything they have done for me" I raised my chin into the air refusing to listen to the garbage that flowed from my sister’s mouth.
"What have they done? We haven't actually ever had a home, I can’t remember one place where I have actually known that I will be able to keep my friends forever"
"We've been to like what three other schools hardly any"
"One in Auckland, the other somewhere else on the other side of New Zealand and one other some where else! You see, the memories are so short and vague that I can’t even recall what pre-school I went too!"
"Vague!" I laughed at her “Oh please don’t be such a drama queen, you know what pre-school we went to!”
"You know what I mean”, she fussed at me “Mum never read me bed time stories, and Dad never taught me how to ride a bike.

They both didn't get all choked up about my first day of school; instead they were worrying about their hiking materials and where they were or something like that. They were never there for us; once they came home they would lock themselves up in their offices and type in their finding to some stupid website. Teal’C you don’t understand! I want a loving family, one where I can feel comfortable and know that I am safe”
"We have a loving family" I insisted looking down at my blue dress which fell to my knees. I began to finger the ears on my cat eared beanie poking my tongue out at Anna when she wasn’t looking.
"Not a normal one!" The long paramour shirt she was wearing was smudged with grass stains from when we had been younger.
"What do you mean?" hushing my voice down to a whisper.
She gave me one of her no-nonsense looks, a thing she had adopted from our mother.
"What do I mean" she tried to mimic my voice but failed "What do you think were freaking werewolves"
"Oh that thing" I said pretending to be stupid.
"I want to be able to go to a diner without having to be thinking about my wild appetite. I want to be able to eat without killing poor non-expecting animals and then changing back when there is blood all over my face and a dead animal at my feet.” She whispered these words making me strain to hear them correctly.

“I want to be able to look at Luke and tell the truth about why I can never go out with him to the mountains without being rushed at by wolves who are trying to get me to hunt with them. I want to be able to tell him I love him and know that I'm not lying about my whole stupid dumb life" tears began to fall from her eyes and on to her I-pod screen. She wiped them away furiously and looked back down to the floor.
"Well trust me you will never have to lie to him again because you'll probably never see his ugly rat-looking face knocking on the front door, thank god" I laughed as she tried to hit me.
"Just go away, you're an idiot I hate you!"
"No you don't" I laughed again this time even louder. "You love me. You always have! You love me more than any any any thing in the whole wide world.”
"No I don't" she sighed miserably.
"Yes you do"
I pulled one of her ear phones out and made her face me "Look Annie you are just looking at the bad side of being a werewolf, you’re not seeing the good stuff" I tried to be sympathetic.
A buzzing sound ran through the airport making me look up at the grey speaker phone attached firmly to the smooth bleached white walls.
"Terminal B is now ready for boarding" the voice sounded human but I couldn't help but think if it were a computer. I looked down at Anna to see her eyes fall and her breath begin to rise.

"C'mon lets go find Mum and our tickets" I grabbed her hand and pulled her out from the hallway and into the main lobby.
The carpet was a royal blue with green and orange swirls going through it, paintings were plastered here and there. People gathered in a long queue’s before a waiting desk where a flight attendant would grab their tickets and stamp at it fiercely or type down on a small little computer on the side of the marble desk.
"I don't want go, let me go" Anna cried as I pulled her through the crowd, trying to spot my mothers goofy smile or my fathers worried eyes.
"Teal'C!" A loud voice cried from behind me. I turned to see my Father waving at us; a large smile crept across his face showing his to dimples on either side of cheeks. My mother stood in front of him her hands clasped together nervously, her pearly white teeth sank into her red lipstick lips and faint tears outlined the rims of her sparkling brown eyes.

I began to feel a nervous buzz inside me crawling its way around my heart and head. I wanted to cry but instead I ran towards them pulling my ever so eager sister with me.
Anna began to scream as she saw who I was pulling her towards to.
“Let me go please Anna, you may want to go but I don’t” she cried more tears falling from her cheeks.
Digging my nails into her wrist I heaved her towards my parents making stupid sound affects as I went.
"When is your flight?” I asked mum letting go of Anna’s hand.
"It has been delayed till later in the evening" My father said pulling my beanie off of my head, he had never really liked them. He would always say it made me look idiotic and that I should show the top of my head more often, but I never listened and continued to wear it.

I jumped up into the air trying to get it from him, but the man was to tall making me skip around him till I was lost of breath.
He laughed at me as I sat on the floor sulking, dropping the hat into my lap he turned towards my sister who had a bland expression on her face "Are you ready for your big trip Annie?" My father asked eagerly. I quickly busied myself with my beanie hoping Anna wouldn’t say something insulting. She didn’t though she didn’t say anything.
"First time to Ireland" My mother spoke rather softly for pain and frustration clouded her face, though she did place on an Irish accent trying to cheer my sister up. It didn't work though but it made me laugh.

My father gave us a travel bag for the flight, even though it was straight through to our destination. "You know what your bags look like right" my mother queried as we walked up a flight of stairs to where all passenger drank coffee or shopped around.
“Your mother has placed name tags on the very top so you won’t loose your things” My father chuckled teasingly.
My mother being much louder began to cackle “You’ll have to walk around naked if you can’t find them”

Both my faher and I cracked into laughter, I clutched at my side as I stumbled after Anna. Anna pouted her lips and looked away at the happy family lounging on one of the chairs in the café. Our parents were obviously trying to cheer Anna up but she didn’t like it one little bit.

On the other side of the café was a hall way which leads to staff toilets and the maintenance area. I looked down it curiously. “Where do we go now?” I asked following my mothers foot strides “You have to go to the terminal silly” my father said ruffling Anna straightened hair, she scowled at him backing away from me and our parents.

“Where are the terminals?” I asked again.
My father lead us through the café to another hall brimmed with plants and photos of famous artists. “Through here” he said pointing down the walk way. Blue translucent windows covered the top of the large doorway. People walked through marveling at the view or the paintings.
"Thank you." Anna replied sadly.
“What for?” I asked quizzically knowing that she was going to say something that would break both my mother and fathers hearts.
“For letting me go since I don’t think I like Auckland, I’d much rather go to the other side of the world and live in some stupid boarding school to get raped or abused!” Her voice was rising and the sarcastic tone was being replaced with sheer rage.
“Anna I thought we had discussed this!” Our mothers tone icy, her eyes like daggers.
“What? You don’t want to have anything to do with us so you send us away”
“Your grandmother, my mother just died a few weeks ago so you have no babysitter that is why, Anna O’Sullivan, you are going to Rockwell College!” My father practically screamed “And seeming since I am the head of this house hold you will do what I tell you to do”
“Why can’t we just stay home, we can take care of ourselves!”
“You can’t even shower properly”
“How do you know you’ve never been in the shower before?”
Anna pulled the bag from my father’s fingers and walked off towards the terminal.
“Last call to terminal B” the voice called again
"Anna!" I screamed in disbelief but she was already pushing herself through the hall.

I turned to my mother and father, their facial features clouded with rage. My father threw up his hands and shook his head "that girl has got to much wits in her just like her mothers side of the family" I chuckled at this trying to make them less angry, but that didn’t seem to do anything. An awkward silence passed through us as I looked at Anna charge through pushing anyone who got to close.
My mother sighed "you better get going honey planes don't wait to long and your sister might forget you."

I nodded trying not to turn into a watery mess. I threw my arms around them and hugged them tightly. Anna was gone; I couldn’t see her through the groups of people that had blocked the hallway.
I pulled back and smiled reassuringly "I love you guys, See you when I can" I kissed them one last time and walked off towards the entrance of the hall, waving with practically every step. Tears began to fall from my eyes as I thought about how much I would miss them.

"Have fun at your new school," My father called waving back
"Don't let the bed bugs bite" I called back to them smiling foolishly. My voice was heavy with un-shed tears.

"Tell your sister that we love her!" my mother chimed tears coming to her eyes. She threw her hands around my fathers neck and began to cry even heavier then before. My father laughed and gestured for me to hurry; I nodded and walked, quickening my pace. I looked back one final time to see them waving, I blew a kiss but they didn’t seem to notice turning on their heels they walked away towards the café. My mother rocking heavily in my fathers arms, her cries echoed in my ear making my mood blacker. Placing on my beanie I walked towards the group of people.
Once I had gone through the metal detector and signed some papers I went off to find Anna. “What terminal was it?” I asked myself loudly, getting some suspicious looks in return. “B that is right” I took off towards the terminal positioned all the way at the end.

People lined up at other desks handing their tickets to the counter. I kept running until I came close to my terminal. I couldn’t see Anna anywhere, whirling around I called out her name. Blinking my shoulders sagged
“Stupid girl” I mumbled under my breathe
“Teal’C” I heard a voice behind me call, whirling around I saw Anna slowly walking towards me, her phone was in her palm the plainest glare on her face.

I ran towards her angrily not really caring about her own emotional upset "What the hell is wrong with you," I snapped
"What?" she asked innocently, pulling our tickets from the bag.
"Why didn't you say goodbye"
"Because they haven't done me any good"
I scowled at her, turning my back towards her I walked towards the pale white terminal. All the passenger to our flight had already boarded and we were most probably the last ones to actually get on.
A man in his fifties looked at me sharply "Tickets" Anna handed them to him gruffly trying to match his scowl. Typing something up he glared down at both of use “You’re late!” he said through gritted teeth passing the tickets back.
“Sorry” I said politely only to be pulled by Anna towards the entrance. She grabbed at our tickets and pushed me through “Stupid old fart” she spat as we hurried along the hall way.
“Why didn’t you just say goodbye,” I sighed sadly
She didn’t say anything but kept quiet, she turned away from me but I still knew she was crying.

By the time the plan landed my legs were covered in pins and needles “Oh my legs” I complained as I followed Anna out of the plane. She looked back at me and smiled; through the whole aeroplane trip she had been only listening to really loud music and crying under the complementary blankets the aeroplane company had given us.
I rolled my eyes as she turned away, “Cry baby” I mumbled quietly. We walked out from the plane, following groups of people to the main service desks.
“Ireland” I said trying on the accent, I laughed as a few people turned back to look at me.

“Roll your tongue more,” Anna said not looking back at me “Like Ireland” Anna had always been good at using her voice. She could reach high tones without even cracking her voice. I tried to roll my tongue on the “R” in Ireland but failed.
“Welcome to the Shannon Airport” A young air hostess greeted us as we stepped into a room full of people.
“If you follow the blue velvet you will come to your bag pick up area” she gave us a toothy smile and pointed towards the pick up area. I ran towards my bag excitedly jumping into the air.
“Where are you going?” Anna called after me following once the Air hostess gave her a stern look. I laughed as I ran towards a long black oval shaped machine. Bags were on top of black rubber slipping and sliding as people pulled of their own luggage. “This is going to be fun” I said to Anna as I ran towards my grey bag.
  





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1087 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 44360
Reviews: 1087
Sun May 09, 2010 1:32 pm
Sins says...



Heya :)
Here to review as requested.

A buzz echoed through the white walls of Auckland National Airport, making me feel all happy and giddy inside.


"You know perfectly well why, I don't need your crap right now Teal'C" Anna practically spat at me. She grabbed at her I-pod, which had swung slightly out of her forceful grip.


Anna was about a few centimeters taller than me so I couldn't tower over her and look scary, but I could nag her till she came to her senses.


Their flight to the Sahara Desert was due to depart any minute and I really didn't like sitting in this airport waiting for my own to become ready to depart.

This sounded a bit awkward to me. I had to read it a few times to understand what you were saying. Maybe you could rephrase it so it's a bit clearer?

"Anna, at least try to smile. This is our last day with Mum and dad for who knows how long. Just smile; you could get a free present." I bartered grinning at her.


"Teal'C, leave me freaking alone!" She cried, making a couple of Japanese tourists turn and look at her stupid attempt to make me leave.


May have lost five bucks and my DVD collection but who cares. I got a mood ring in return. Trying to beat my friends in a game of UNO is like trying to get a cow to stop eating. Impossible.

I liked the simile here. :)

I won once though against Maryanne, but everyone wins against her. If it weren't for her mum coming early, she would have lost all the clothes on her back.


"This is all Mum’s and Dad’s fault. I am not going to suck up to them so I can get a stupid present." Anna mumbled looking down at her I-pod.


"Oh for heaven’s sake Anna. Seriously, you are acting worse than me!"


“We’re about to leave soon anyway, so just go and play with the stupid water bubblers."


"It is called sippy taps for your information and no! I actually love my parents and I actually love everything they have done for me!" I raised my chin into the air refusing to listen to the garbage that flowed from my sister’s mouth.

I like the last sentence here :) .

"What have they done? We haven't actually ever had a home, I can’t remember one place where I have actually known that I will be able to keep my friends forever."
"We've been to, like, what three other schools? Hardly any!"
"One in Auckland, the other somewhere else on the other side of New Zealand and one other some where else! You see, the memories are so short and vague that I can’t even recall what pre-school I went too!"

You seem to be having a problem with dialogue punctuation. Remember, you always need some kind of grammar mark at the end of a piece of dialogue. Also, in this part, I'm assuming that the same person is talking? If so, then you're closing and opening new dialogue wrongly. If the same person is talking, you only need speech marks at the beginning of the talking and at the end of the talking. You don't need any in-between unless someone else begins to talk. :wink:

"You know what I mean,, she fussed at me. “Mum never read me bed time stories, and Dad never taught me how to ride a bike.


"They both didn't get all choked up about my first day of school; instead they were worrying about their hiking materials and where they were or something like that.


"Teal’C, you don’t understand! I want a loving family, one where I can feel comfortable and know that I am safe.
"We have a loving family!" I insisted, looking down at my blue dress which fell to my knees. I began to finger the ears on my cat eared beanie, poking my tongue out at Anna when she wasn’t looking.


"What do I mean?" she tried to mimic my voice but failed "What do you think we are? Freaking werewolves?"
"Oh, that thing." I said, pretending to be stupid.


"I want to be able to go to a diner without having to be thinking about my wild appetite. I want to be able to eat without killing poor non-expecting animals and then changing back when there is blood all over my face and a dead animal at my feet.” She whispered these words, making me strain to hear them correctly.

Okay... now I'm confused... :lol:

“I want to be able to look at Luke and tell the truth about why I can never go out with him to the mountains without being rushed at by wolves who are trying to get me to hunt with them. I want to be able to tell him I love him and know that I'm not lying about my whole stupid dumb life." tears began to fall from her eyes and on to her I-pod screen. She wiped them away furiously and looked back down to the floor.

I'm guessing that they are werewolves then...?

"Well trust me, you will never have to lie to him again because you'll probably never see his ugly rat-looking face knocking on the front door, thank god." I laughed as she tried to hit me.


"No you don't." I laughed again, this time even louder.


"No I don't." she sighed miserably.
"Yes you do."

I think that I'm going to stop correcting your dialogue grammar now, otherwise I'll be here all day! :roll:

A buzzing sound ran through the airport, making me look up at the grey speaker phone attached firmly to the smooth bleached white walls.


"Terminal B is now ready for boarding" the voice sounded human but I couldn't help but wonder if it were a computer. I looked down at Anna to see her eyes fall and her chest begin to rise.


The carpet was a royal blue with green and orange swirls going through it, paintings were plastered here and there. People gathered in a long queue’s before a waiting desk where a flight attendant would grab their tickets and stamp at it fiercely, or type down on a small little computer on the side of the marble desk.

I like your description here, it's not in a clump and it's nice. :)

"I don't want go, let me go" Anna cried as I pulled her through the crowd, trying to spot my mothers goofy smile or my fathers worried eyes.

The dialogue in this doesn't make much sense... try rephrasing it?

I turned to see my Father waving at us; a large smile crept across his face showing his two dimples on either side of cheeks. My mother stood in front of him, her hands clasped together nervously, her pearly white teeth sank into her red lipstick lips and faint tears outlined the rims of her sparkling brown eyes.

he grammar was a bit off here but I did like your description.

I began to feel a nervous buzz inside me, crawling its way around my heart and head. I wanted to cry, but instead, I ran towards them, pulling my ever so eager sister with me.

I like the first sentence here. :wink:

Anna began to scream as she saw who I was pulling her towards color=#FF0000]to.[/color]
Digging my nails into her wrist, I heaved her towards my parents making stupid sound affects as I went.


I jumped up into the air, trying to get it from him, but the man was too tall. I had to skip around him till I was lost of breath.


He laughed at me as I sat on the floor sulking, dropping the hat into my lap, he turned towards my sister who had a bland expression on her face.


She didn’t though she didn’t say anything though, thankfully.


Both my father and I cracked into laughter, I clutched at my side as I stumbled after Anna. Anna pouted her lips and looked away at the happy family who were lounging on one of the chairs in the café.


On the other side of the café was a hall way which leads to staff toilets and the maintenance area.


“Where are the terminals?” I asked again.
My father lead us through the café to another hall brimmed with plants and photos of famous artists. “Through here,” he said, pointing down the walk way. Blue translucent windows covered the top of the large doorway. People walked through marveling at the view or the paintings.

I like your descriptions here as well! :)

I chuckled at this, trying to make them less angry, but that didn’t seem to do anything. An awkward silence passed through us as I looked at Anna charge through, pushing anyone who got to close.


I nodded, trying not to turn into a watery mess. I threw my arms around them and hugged them tightly.


Placing on my beanie on my head, I walked towards the group of people.


“Stupid girl” I mumbled under my breath.[s]e[/s
]

I ran towards her angrily, not really caring about her own emotional upset "What the hell is wrong with you?" I snapped.


I scowled at her. Turning my back towards her, I walked towards the pale white terminal
.

By the time the plane landed, my legs were covered in pins and needles


“If you follow the blue velvet, you will come to your bag pick up area.


“Where are you going?” Anna called after me, following once the Air hostess gave her a stern look.


Bags were on top of black rubber slipping and sliding.

This wasn't a very strong ending, you should make it more interesting. Maybe put a cliffhanger in it?

Overall

I have to admit, this was kind of confusing. At some point in the chapter, you said that the two girls were werewolves. Although then, the whole werewolf thing was never mentioned again. I haven't actually read the first chapter, so maybe you explain that there. Your grammar wasn't very good either, although your spelling was very good! I also really liked some of your descriptions, as I pointed out. :D

My main critique is definitely the grammar, especially the dialogue grammar. You seem to forget to put a grammar mark at the end of most dialogue sentences. No matter what your character is saying, you always need a grammar make at the end of a piece of dialogue. You also have a it of a problem with commas. You're missing out some needed commas in this piece. Commas actually do an awful lot to a piece of writing. By adding in commas where they are needed, it creates a very nice flow to the story. Making a nice flow to a story is a lot more important than people think. If the flow is bad, then the reader will not be happy to read the piece. Mainly because with a bad flow, the story reads awkwardly.

My other critique is the fact that this is rather confusing. I understand that the girls are going to a boarding school, which I really like the sound of, by the way. What I don't understand is the whole werewolf part. I'm sorry if you've explained this in the first chapter, like I said, I haven't actually read that part. The way you phrase things can also be awkward sometimes though, come to think of it. I've pointed out most of the areas that confused me a bit. Maybe you should consider rephrasing them or something? Just so us readers can understand what you're saying a bit easier.

What I did like about this though was your descriptions. I pointed out a few descriptions that I especially like, well done for them! What I liked the most about your descriptions is the way you wrote them. You didn't write them in big, annoying clumps like a lot of people seem to do. You wrote small sprinkles of description here and there, making your writing very nice when it comes to descriptions. I also like your variation of verbs, so well done for that. A lot of writers fall into the trap of using simple, plain verbs. I'm glad that you haven't done this, otherwise your writing could have been rather boring! :wink:

Overall, I definitely think that this has potential. You just need to polish it up a bit, in my opinion. All that you need to do is take into account what I've said and maybe edit this a bit? Just try and make some parts less confusing, sort out that dialogue punctuation and try and sort out your grammar punctuation. If you do that, you will definitely have a very good piece of writing here! :smt005

Keep writing and good luck!

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  








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