Young Writers Society

I have written this for my school magazine and I need quick reviews as I need to submit it by Monday. Can you guys help? If you want to know more about this cause or what i am exactly referring to, please visit this link on youtube: Save Tigers

‘Just 1411 left!’ Were you among the ones who took this as a joke? If you were, then you’re in serious need of help. This is not something to laugh at. It’s the official counting of the tigers left in India; a country where people from across seven seas come to see this majestic animal. But what will happen when we have none left? ‘Would we let our national animal disappear?’ The provocative line from the famous ad campaign which has been brought out to wake up our consciousness, is sure to be remembered by one and all. Their baby tiger, Stripey, longing for his mother's return, must have filled your heart with sorrow. If you’re still ignorant to this important issue, then you seriously need to come to your senses.

Once a fearless animal roaming in the jungles, the tiger is now a helpless animal that is fighting for its survival every minute. The battle for him seems never-ending, with no mercy from our side. The only place where they could find themselves in protection is being torn and cut down by us everyday, leaving them with no security and shelter. And then when they come in the nearby human settlements, we don’t like that either. The poor animals, now deprived of their natural habitats and food, are brutally slain by our kind.

Everyone is perfectly aware as to why they are killed. For their beautiful skin? For me at least, it's hard to imagine how one could find happiness in wearing something inside which, some time ago, flesh and bones lived. Or for trophy hunting? Its again difficult for me to comprehend how one can hunt the tigers or for that matter, any animal, so that they can show-off to others of their bravery and royalty. Tigers aren’t just a species of animal; they are much important than that. They contribute to the food chain, to the ecosystem. Tigers are the top predator in the Asian food chain and, as such, they keep populations of deer and other herbivore sized properly for their ecosystem. This prevents over grazing and the spread of disease within the herds. So tigers help the populations by weeding out the sick and weak. But no one seems to be caring about them. I believe we’re lucky enough for having a government who understands that our actions have some deadly consequences and hence has come out with various projects for saving our national animal.

One of my friend’s Facebook status read, “Just wondering that will tigers form a community when only 1411 men are left in India.”
This would never happen, guys, because when only 1411 men are left, there won’t be a single tiger existing in world! It has also been estimated that within next five years there will be no tigers left in India. A once tiger-filled country would be completely devoid of them. All other places in India will lose their tigers by then and the only place where no poaching or hunting is done i.e. the deltaic regions of Sunderbans will lose them anyway because of the global warming. It’s shocking and outrageous! Once I went to Sariska National Park in hope of seeing the majestic beast, but I was greatly disappointed. This reserve had been declared a wildlife sanctuary in 1958 and came under the "Project Tiger" as a Sariska tiger reserve in 1979. So isn't this shocking that here in this sanctuary it was so hard spotting a tiger?
Now you’re probably wondering “What can I do”? Well, every little bit helps. You can speak up about the cause. You can write or blog about the issue. Even staying up-to-date with tiger facts like knowledge of tiger sanctuaries, their population, news updates, etc. helps. You can also donate money to NGOs working for the cause, like WWF-India.
Now it’s the time to wake up and act before it’s too late…

Hey shubhi!
Here to review as requested. Don't expect anything amazing though... I've never actually reviewed anything non-fiction before!
I'll try my best though!

‘Just 1411 left!’ Were you among the ones who took this as a joke? If you were, then you’re in serious need of help. This is no joke. It’s the official counting of the amount of tigers left in India; a country where people from across seven seas come to visit this majestic animal. But what will happen when we have none left? ‘Would we let our national animal disappear?’ another provocative line from the famous ad campaign which has been brought out to wake up our consciousness is sure to be remembered by one and all. If you’re still not aware what I am talking about, then you need to wake up now. This was good

Once a fearless animal roaming in the jungles, whose one roar can send shivers down the spine, is now nothing but a helpless being that is fighting for its survival every minute. The fight for him seems never-ending with no mercy from our side. The only place where they could find themselves in protection is being torn down by us everyday, leaving them with no place to live in. And then, when they come in the nearby human settlements, we don’t like that either. The poor fellow deprived of food and shelter is killed by those scared but ruthless humans.

No one is aware as to why they are killed. For their beautiful skin? For me at least, it's hard to imagine how one could find happiness in wearing something inside which some time ago flesh and bones lived. I agree! Or for trophy hunting? It's again unimaginable to find someone hunt the other down so they could tease others and show them how brave and royal they are. Tigers aren’t just a species of animals; they are more lot to it. This was kind of hard to understand. Try rephrasing it to something like 'they are much more important than that'. They contribute to the food chain, to the ecosystem. But no one seems to care about them. I believe we’re lucky enough for having a government who understands that our actions have some deadly consequences, and hence, has come out with various projects for saving our national animal.

One of my friend’s Facebook status read, “Just wondering that will tigers form a community when only 1411 men are left in India.” This would never happen, guys, because when only 1411 men are left, there won’t be a single tiger existing in world. It has also been estimated that within next five years there will be no tigers left in India. A once Tiger filled country would be devoid of them. All other places in India will lose their tigers by then and the only place where no poaching or hunting is done will be the deltaic regions of Sunderbans but due to global warming it will also lose its tiger. The last sentence was a bit long, try turning it into two different sentences. It’s shocking and outrageous! Now it’s the time to wake up and act before it’s too late… I like the ending!

Don't take my critique too seriously because I've never reviewed non-fiction before, but I hope I've helped!

Overall, I really like what you're saying here and I completely agree with it. I think that this was good because it made me think about what you were saying. You used a good amount of rhetorical questions at the beginning, which worked effectively. Also, the nding was very good because it made me feel like I did in fact need to wake up and act before it's too late! Well done

I can't really give a very detailed review because I'm not experienced in this department, but I'm pretty sure that you've done a good job here. You had both a strong beginning and a strong ending, which is definitely very good.

There were a few grammar nit-picks, but I sorted them out for you! My only suggestion really is that I think you should italicize the quote of your friend. It just looks more professional.

If you want another review; you know the drill! Just ask me in my WRFF thread.

P.S I didn't know you lived in India?

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Sorry shubhi, really, Skins got everything I found so I would be useless to just say it all again. Really good report, Im sure the magazine editor will be happy.

Again, sorry.

~Biffle

Hey Biffle. I am also one of the editors.

I really liked this, and all your edits which Skins pointed out. I kind of feel passionate about saving the tigers too. (You live in India (?))
I like how you talk to the reader directly and your rhetorical questions. I think everyone will enjoy this article!

Well done, and keep it up!
~Tamara
x

I really liked this! As the other said, Skins pointed out most things, but I just wanted to add a bit here.
Tigers, though mostly dieing as trophies and for their skins, can also threaten livestock.I see both points of view there, since most only take one cow or sheep and never return. But there is the odd occurance when over half the livestock dies.
So another way to prevent killing would be some sort of fund going to Indian farmers for larger fences, better baracades, ect... Maybe even tranquilizers rather than rifles. That seems out there, I know... but if their government could be convinced it would help a lot.

Anyways... I'm done now
I really like this though!! Tigers have always been one of my favorite animals...

Hey Shubhi! Here to review as requested. Now, here is the question: Is this a persuasive essay for the magazine or just an article? Just asking so I can judge the format better. Skins really pointed out all the errors. (Curse her effectiveness! ) But let's see here..

Nitpick(s)

Once a fearless animal, roaming in the jungles, whose one roar can send shivers down the spine, is now nothing but a helpless being fighting for its survival every minute.

This is a a lovely sentence, but the comma use seems a little iffy and makes the sentence seem longer than it is. I would recommend doing this:

Once a fearless animal roaming in the jungles, the tiger is now a helpless animal that is fighting for its survival every minute.

I removed the roar part because I felt that it didn't give a very comfortable image of the tiger, and you already described its tenacity well with the first part of the sentence.

Were you among the ones who took this as a joke? If you were, then you’re in serious need of help.]

This is also good, but you could have just insulted the reader now with the last part. Some people take their views [b]very seriously. It's good that you are trying to change how people are viewing the tiger, but I would recommend making the bolded part more subtle. Something like,

"If that is the case, then you should review your facts more carefully."

Not exactly like that, but you know what I mean.

OVERALL:

Excellent. Anything else Skins has pointed out. Good luck with your writing!

Cheers!

Haven't seen a talk about this in a while ( We do hear a lot about them in my class in my country ). While reading I spotted a mistake left behind, so please fix it ^^
Here's the mistake : Everyone one is aware as to why they are killed. ( Double one? )

?I agree with a review before me 'If you were, then you’re in serious need of help.' is quite bold. You do not want to be too radical in eyes of a reader. Show the threat clearly, yet subtly. Throwing radical words just seems a bit off.

Besides all that, the text has got some facts and is good to read =) I believe thinking about what reviews before me pointed out is worth it.

All in all, it's a good work ^^ Good luck!

Pretty good article.

Like mostly everyone said, Skins beat everyone to the punch. I didn't see anything else wrong with it that he didn't pint out.

Indeed, its a very important issue, and I'm glad you wrote about it. It's certainly something to think about.

Sorry I can't give much else to the review, as I'd only be restating what's been said. So.... yes.

Good work.

shubhiloves2write wrote:
‘Just 1411 left!’
{new line} Were you among the ones who took this as a joke? If you were, then you’re in serious need of help. This is not something to laugh at. It’s the official counting of the amount of tigers left in India; a country where people from across the seven seas come to visit this majestic animal. But what will happen when we have no left? ‘Would we let our national animal disappear?’ The provocative line from the famous ad campaign, which has been brought to our attention to wake up our consciousness, is sure to be remembered by one and all. Their baby tiger, Stripey, longing for his mother's return, is sure to make your heart fill with sorrow. If you’re still not aware what I am talking about, then you need to wake up now.
{You’ve already told them to “wake up” in the lines before. Maybe reword that line to “If you’re still ignorant to this important issue, then you seriously need to come to your senses.”}

Once a fearless animal, roaming in the jungles, whose [strike]one[/strike] roar can send shivers down the spine, is now nothing but a helpless [strike]being[/strike] creature fighting for its survival every minute of the day.. The battle for him seems never-ending, with no mercy from our side. The only place where they could find themselves in protection is being torn and cut down by us everyday, leaving them with no security and shelter. And then when they come in the nearby human settlements, we don’t like that either. The poor fellow deprived of food and shelter is killed by those scared but ruthless humans.

{Because you’ve used inclusive language, such as “we” and “you” for this whole piece, you can’t suddenly switch to exclusive language (those) in a sentence.
So the line above becomes:
“The poor animals, now deprived of their natural habitats and food, are brutally slain by our kind.” (yes, I added description. The line called for it)}

Everyone one is perfectly (state it with confidence, sister!) aware as to why they are killed. For their beautiful skin? For me at least, it's hard to imagine how one could find happiness in wearing something [strike]inside[/strike] which, some time ago, flesh and bones lived. Or for trophy hunting? Its again unimaginable for me to comprehend that people hunt these creatures down so they could tease others and show them how brave and royal they are. Tigers aren’t just a species of animal; they are much important than that. They contribute to the food chain, to the ecosystem. But no one seems to be caring about them. I believe we’re lucky enough for having a government who understands that our actions have some deadly consequences and hence has come out with various projects for saving our national animal.

One of my friend’s Facebook status read, “Just wondering that will tigers form a community when only 1411 men are left in India.”
{new line}This would never happen, guys, because when only 1411 men are left, there won’t be a single tiger existing in world! It has also been truthfully estimated that within next five years, there will be no tigers left in India. A once tiger-filled country would be completely devoid of them. All other places in India that do not hunt tigers will lose them by then, and the only place where no poaching or hunting is allowed (the deltaic regions of Sunderbans), will lose them anyway due to global warming! It’s shocking and outrageous! Once I travelled to Sariska National Park in hope of seeing the majestic beast, but I was greatly disappointed. This reserve had been declared a wildlife sanctuary in 1958 and came under the "Project Tiger" as a Sariska tiger reserve in 1979. So much for being a reserve: I barely caught a glimpse of one! Isn't this shocking that here, in this country, it was so hard spotting a tiger?
Now you’re probably wondering “What can I do”? Well, every little bit helps. You can speak up about the cause. You can write or blog about the issue. Even staying up-to-date with tiger facts, like knowledge of tiger sanctuaries, their population, news updates, etc. helps. You can also donate money to NGOs working for the cause, like WWF-India.
{new line}Now it’s the time to wake up and act before it’s too late…

This is a great issue to write about, Shubhi. I’m guessing you’re pretty passionate about it, but I cannot see that through your writing. I want you to use very powerful words, so as to leave an impression in every reader’s minds. Watch those “inclusive and exclusive” words, otherwise you essay becomes scratchy to read.
Apart from that, pretty good!
-Whew, that’s my first non-fiction review!-
-Maddy

Hi Shubhi! Here as requested.

Well, since this is only for a school paper and you've already had so many great reviews, I don't think you should change anything that wasn't already mentioned. I loved reading this. Animals have a special place in my heart (sooo cheesy!) so I know exactly how you feel. You've managed to get your point across, yet making it realistic and heartfelt. Great work.

I can't wait to hear what your readers will think!

-Knightley

P.S. Sorry for the tiny review. It really is good as it it right now.

Hey shubhi! It's me again

I'm just back to say how much better this is now. It was really good when I first read it and now it's even better! Well done. You've had some great reviews and I think that this definitely deserves to be featured work.

That's basically it... Sorry this hasn't been a proper review. I've done that already, anyway. I just thought that I'd drop by and leave a comment.

Keep writing!

xoxo Skins

Hi, Shubhi!

Wow! What with so many great reviews that you've received, there isn't much left for me to point out! A few things did catch my attention, though.

So tigers help the populations by weeding out the sick and weak.

You could probably cut the bolded.

Now it’s the time to wake up and act before it’s too late…

Quite personally, I would not end this brilliant article on an ellipses. An ellipses generally indicates trailing off, or leaving something unsaid. You're being very definite, and not leaving anything out in the article.

However, if you chose to leave it there, it would be four periods instead of three, the reason being that as it is on the end of a sentence, it needs a period.

This was a great piece, very informative. Hope I helped!

Sachi

Hey Shubhi.

This is pretty good. And everyone's pretty much nit-picked it completely. Good style.

Thanks a lot dear.
@skins: You helped a lot with this piece.

And I am glad so many great writers liked it and you think it is supposed to be featured. Thanks a ton.