The Day he Hung Up

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Hey people! This is a little corny, but aren't all romance stories? :lol: Anyways... I hope you enjoy it to a small extent, and if you don't like romance, then I suppose reading it would be a waist of your time. Reviews are welcome! Thanks!!




“Hey,” Andrew's voice rang from the other side of the phone line. Her heart leapt. She was going to tell him!

“Hey Andrew, it's-”

“Don't tell me, it's Sam right?” He cut her off, laughing.

“The one and only. Are you somewhere we can talk alone?” Same's voice quavered. Was she really going to do this? She stared at her feet and tried to calm her pounding heart.

“Um...yeah. Parents are out. Should I be worried?” He was laughing, but the question worried Sam even more. She could almost see him running for the hills, screaming his fool head off.

“That all depends,” she said, trying to sound serious. Her voice was still quavering and she twisted her dark brown hair around her index finger nervously. She gulped and continued, unsure of how to start. “Look, this is really important. I don't know how I'm going to say it though.” She was trying to stop her heart from pounding into her throat and leaping out of her mouth. She wanted to puke!

“Shoot. Anything you've gotta say, I'll listen to,” he assured her.

She glanced around the living room, looking for some sort of inspiration. A white leather sofa, light brown walls, flat screen Sony television. Nothing really spoke to her. “I-I'm...” she couldn't squeeze the words out. This was stupid! No way would she get a positive answer, so why was she doing this?

“You're what? I don't bite, Sam. Honest. And even if I did, we're on the phone so I couldn't even if I did want to,” his voice was serious now, too.

“I'm not afraid of a bite, I'm afraid of the answer I'll get.” Andrew started to say something, but she cut him off. “Okay look, I'm in love with you!” She almost shouted it. She said it quickly, before she could get it in her head to wait another two years. Something on the phone beeped at her. Oh please just have pressed a button by mistake! She pleaded silently. “H-hello?” No answer. Her eyes watered and she pressed the off button and threw the phone to the floor. Screaming, she fell into the soft couch, sobbing.

Sam pulled her knees up to her chest and hid her head in her hands. Her eyes burned with tears that raced down her cheeks, leaving behind streaks of remorse. Her back heaved with heavy sobs. She had never felt so devastated in her whole life. A simple, “Sorry, I would rather stay friend,” just wouldn't suffice anymore? Her chest ached; it was so full of hurt and anger. She had been expecting a negative response, but a hangup? How could he? Her weeping intensified and she didn't hold back. Her parents weren't home anyways, there was nobody here to hear her. She let herself cry for what must have been hours, a hap on the couch choking on tears and the mound in her throat. What had he done?

The doorbell rang a few hours later and was ignored. No way was Sam letting anybody see her like this! She would likely rip the face off of anybody that came within ten feet of her anyways. The door creaked open and slammed shut despite Sam's telepathic warnings. She lifted her head hesitantly and stared at the doorway that separated the living room from the kitchen where the entrance was. Feet plodded against hardwood in an irregular pattern. She couldn't believe it! Her heart raced in shock and fear.

“Hey, sorry for the long wait, but it took me forever to find the perfect gift,” he muttered flashing her his famed crooked smile. Andrew stood in the doorway, grinning at her, blue eyes twinkling playfully. In his right hand he held a bouquet of sixteen perfect red roses. In the other he clung to a tiny black velvet box.

Sam rose slowly to her feet, trembling. She didn't bother to wipe away her tears. What was the point? She hated his slimy guts for doing that to her. Didn't he know what he had just put her through? He ambled towards her clumsily, holding back sacred tears. Her knees went limp and she would have fallen flat on her face had Andrew not been there to catch her. She closed her eyes and clung to him, holding back her own tears. She felt his arms wrap around her and pull her close to him, still just barley hanging onto his gifts. He buried his face in her hair and drenched it in his tears. “I never though I'd hear those words from you, Sam. I lost my head and hung up in excitement. I'm so sorry I hurt you,” he whispered.

Sam didn't reply, she just cried and let him cry. This moment was too special to ruin with an apology. Andrew didn't need a reply, he knew he was forgiven. He was afraid to pull away, afraid that she would disappear into thin air if he did. After what seemed like forever, his tears stopped flowing and he found the strength to pull away and present what he had for her. He extended the bouquet and she took it, smiling the same soft smile that had destroyed him from the inside out the day they met two years ago. He cleared his throat and wiped a tear from her cheek with his thumb. “Red roses because they're your favourite, or at least they were two years ago when we first started hanging out.” He winked at her and smiled to himself when she blushed. “Sixteen because it symbolizes love and passion.” He let that soak in for a moment before continuing with his unprepared speech. He flipped open the box to reveal seven tiny emeralds encrusted onto a golden band. “A promise ring,” he extended his left hand, showing her a matching ring on his ring finger. “Gold because it doesn't tarnish. Emeralds because green symbolizes freshness and envy. Every time I saw you with a different boy, I was overcome by jealousy. Your phone call today made me feel newer and fresher than I ever have before. There are seven because seven symbolizes completion and perfection. I have been completed by the perfect girl. I'll love you till every bit of this ring tarnishes and every single rose looses its beauty.” He smiled at her, placing the ring gingerly onto her finger. “This isn't too corny for you is it?”

She rolled her eyes. Leave it to Andrew to ruin the perfect moment with a cheesy remark. “Not at all.” She shook her head and let him kiss her hard on the lips. Both were overcome by something so powerful ans strong that a tsunami couldn't tear them apart. There was nothing in the world but them, and they stayed that way for a what seemed like only a few seconds, but what was in reality, almost two hours. When the kiss died down they stood with their arms wrapped around each other, crying and laughing, whispering secrets and recalling all of the times they had been together, waiting for the other to make the first move.

The moment Andrew left after his father called his cell and told him to come home, Sam placed each rose carefully in the most extravagant vase she could find and stole away to her bedroom. Her parents came back home that night and asked her where she had gotten the flowers. “His heart,” was all she could muster. The words sounded stupid and corny even to her, but she didn't care. Her parents raised doubtful eyebrows at their daughter, but they eventually left her alone. The moment the first rose showed the slightest sign of wilting, she hung them upside down from her hook that protruded from her ceiling with a piece of black ribbon so that they would dry and never loose their beauty. She very rarely took the ring off, and when her parents noticed it, they demanded to know where it had come from. She had told them and they threw a fit, grounding her for a week. Each night she sneaked out of the house through her bedroom window to go meet Andrew. Each night they did something different. One night after Andrew got his licence, he took her out to a field with a battery-powered CD player. They danced all night to their favourite songs and fell asleep underneath the large oak tree where they had parked the car. Her parents were enraged and kept her grounded for almost a month.

They never did stop loving each other and Andrew eventually regained Sam's parent's trust. They did end up getting married and they bought the land where the oak tree was and built their house next to it. The roses were placed in their bedroom the night the house was finished. Their fingers had grown too small for their rings, so that kept the bouquet together with them by placing them around the stems. I suppose that you could say they lived happily ever after, even after the fights they had when they were stressed about bills or when the children drove them nuts. Somehow they pulled through. And to thank for that was the day he hung up.
Last edited by eldEr on Wed Apr 21, 2010 8:18 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

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That's so cute. A little corny, as you said yourself, but, hey, aren't most romance stories? One nitpick -

"The door creaked open and slammed shut despite Andrew's telepathic warnings." Do you mean "Sam's telepathic warnings"? (But I love the way you wrote that bit - when he rings the doorbell, I mean.)

All and all, not too bad, but, because it was just so darn cute, you get fifty points for Gryffindor! (... ahem. Sorry. Major HP fan, at your service.)

-Kelcia
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Is it just me, or are the plot bunnies taking advantage of my ADD?

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haha!! Thanks!!
I fixed up that part! Oops! :)
Glad you liked it though!
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

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Hi Isha. Sorry it took me so long. I loved the story and I have not much to say. You described everything so nicely and I could feel being there. And yes, you managed an E rated story pretty well. This was amazing.

Her voice was still quavering and she twisted her dark brown hair around her index finger nervously.


Her chest ached; it was so full of hurt and anger.


He extended the bouquet ans and she took it, smiling the same soft smile that had destroyed him from the inside out the day they met two years ago.


“This wasn't too corny for you, was it?”


Eventually the ended up getting married and they bought the land where the oak tree was and built their house next to it.


Hope this helped. Loved it! :elephant:
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

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Thanks!! It did help!! I believe I got everything fixed up!
Is there anything else??
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

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Well done, except for a few mistakes this was belivable and sadly abit on the corny side, but that's okay sometimes corny is good and this my fellow writer was great.LOVED IT! :D Keep on writing and thanks for the read. :elephant:
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Thanks!!!! My grammar and spell check on my computer wasn't working when I wrote this, which could account for a few of the mistakes...
But thanks!! :D
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

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Hey Isha, good story. Corny, yes. But it works. The only thing that stood out to me was the fact that you wrapped up the end pretty quickly. It seemed to rushed. But, that might just be me.
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Okay Isha, so you sort of, kind of, used a lime name in here. You know know what I mean :wink: haha
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oops... facepalm Sorry jem!! I completely forgot about the lime name!! haha! I just like the name Andrew I guess... :lol:
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Hi Isha! Looks like you've had a pretty productive first month on YWS - that's awesome!

So here are my thoughts on this piece:

1) Too fast.
One second they're BFF's, the next he's got a ring and flowers, and a couple of paragraphs later they're married with 2.5 kids, living in a house surrounded by daisies and a white picket fence. What? It's totally fine if you want to summarize things working out with the parents, and tell about them getting married. But it has to be done a little better. The ending especially is rushed and messy.

2) Too much drama.
Hearing about Sam getting grounded and forbidden to see Andrew just brings to mind visions of a teenaged girl slamming the door to her bedroom, sobbing and screaming, "I hate you! You're ruining my life!" at her well-meaning parents inside of their lovely, suburban home. And sorry, but I just don't have any empathy for that kind of situation. If her parents really are trying to keep them apart, make it interesting. Is it a religious issue? Is she just not allowed to date till she gets to be a certain age? Do they have a problem with Andrew? It just seems silly to me that they're totally cool with Andrew and Sam being such good friends, but as soon as they want to date, they flip out.

3) Grammar and all that jazz
You mentioned that your grammar and spell check weren't working on your computer when you wrote this. That's fine, but if that's the case, then wait until they are to post a piece. I understand that when you write that final sentence, you're all fired up and ready to post it up on YWS and start getting comments right away. It's exciting! I know the feeling, because I've definitely been there. But if you resist the urge to post a story less than ten minutes after you've finished the first draft, what you do post will be much better for it.

Leave the story alone for a day or two (or even just an hour or two, if you can't wait that long). Then go back and read the whole thing again. You'll be amazed at all the little things you didn't see before and want to fix. It will also give you some time to think about how the story ended up playing out on paper (well, screen) versus how you envisioned it in your head. Are you happy with it? Did you include everything you wanted to? Does it flow the way it did in your mind? At the very least, be sure to check everything for grammar, spelling, and completion (no random the's, and's, but's, or's missing, correct sentences, etc.). You owe your readers that, and it actually ends up helping you more, because instead of focusing on those minor issues, they can focus on making good suggestions about the actual story and characters.


I see a lot of potential here, though. You clearly have a pretty good idea of the backstory between Andrew and Sam, their relationship with the 'rents, and the way these things come into play. I saw a few things that are indicative of what your style could be. Here's an example:

She glanced around the living room, looking for some sort of inspiration. A white leather sofa, light brown walls, flat screen Sony television. Nothing really spoke to her.
I like that! It's sort of sarcastic, and stands out in a piece that is primarily sappy to the bone. A lot of times being sarcastic or clever about something that is intrinsically very sweet turns out to be much, much better, because I think it gives the reader a little more credit. Of course we understand that it's a sweet story! You don't have to make it glaringly obvious.

Tone down the melodrama and play up that mischievous side I sense lurking in there. Good work! :D
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Hey Isha, it's KD! And obviously, I'm here to review.

Nitpick Time!

I will replace, insert, and cross out words/punctuation in bold.

Isha wrote:“The one and only. Are you somewhere where we can talk alone?” Same's voice quavered. Was she really going to do this? She stared at her feet and tried to calm her pounding heart.


Isha wrote:Her voice was still quavering and she twisted her dark brown hair around her index finger nervously.
Break this into two sentences.

Isha wrote:Now she was trying to stop her heart from pounding into her throat and leaping out of her mouth.
'Pounding into her throat'? Lol.

Isha wrote:“You're what? I don't bite, Sam. Honest. And even if I did, we're on the phone so I couldn't even if I did want to.” his voice was serious now, too.
Capitalize the 'his'.

Isha wrote:She pleaded silently. “H-hello?” No answer. Her eyes watered and she pressed the off button and threw the phone to the floor. Screaming, she fell into the soft couch, sobbing.

Sam pulled her knees up to her chest and hid her head in her hands. Her eyes burned with tears that raced down her cheeks, leaving behind streaks of remorse. Her back heaved with heavy sobs. She had never felt so devastated in her whole life. A simple, “Sorry, I would rather stay friends,” just wouldn't suffice anymore? Her chest ached; it was so full of hurt and anger. She was hurt and angry. She had been expecting a negative response, but a hangup? How could he? Her weeping intensified and she didn't hold back. Her parents weren't home anyways, there was nobody here to hear her. She let herself cry for what must have been hours, a hap on the couch choking on tears and the mound in her throat. What had he she done?
Okay, okay, we get it. She's really upset that Andrew hung up on her when she confessed her feelings towards him. Who wouldn't be? I wouldn't spend a whole paragraph discussing something this obvious. Talk more about perhaps why he might have hung up on her. Make it more interesting.

Isha wrote:The doorbell rang a few hours later and was ignored. No way was Sam letting anybody see her like this! She would likely rip the face off of anybody that came within ten feet of her anyways. The door creaked open and slammed shut despite Sam's telepathic warnings. She lifted her head hesitantly and stared at the doorway that separated the living room from the kitchen where the entrance was. Feet plodded against hardwood in an irregular pattern. She couldn't believe it! Her heart raced in shock and fear.

“Hey, sorry for the long wait, but it took me forever to find the perfect gift,” he muttered, flashing her his famed crooked smile. Andrew stood in the doorway, grinning at her, blue eyes twinkling playfully. In his right hand he held a bouquet of sixteen perfect red roses. In the other he clung to a tiny black velvet box.
She never even opened the door. :D Instead of 'he clung to', which seems a bit odd, I would say 'he clutched'. Or something like that.

Isha wrote:Sam rose slowly to her feet, trembling. She didn't bother to wipe away her tears. What was the point? She hated his slimy guts for doing that to her. Didn't he know what he had just put her through? He ambled towards her clumsily, holding back sacred tears. Her knees went limp and she would have fallen flat on her face had Andrew not been there to catch her. She closed her eyes and clung to him, holding back her own tears. She felt his arms wrap around her and pulled her close to him, still just barley barely hanging onto his gifts. He buried his face in her hair and drenched it in with his tears. “I never thought I'd hear those words from you, Sam. I lost my head and hung up in excitement. I'm so sorry I hurt you,” he whispered.


Isha wrote:“Red roses because they're your favourite, or at least they were two years ago when we first started hanging out.” He winked at her and smiled to himself when she blushed. “Sixteen because it symbolizes love and passion.” He let that soak in for a moment before continuing with his unprepared speech. He flipped open the box to reveal seven tiny emeralds encrusted onto a golden band. “A promise ring,” he extended his left hand, showing her a matching ring on his ring finger. “Gold because it doesn't tarnish. Emeralds because green symbolizes freshness and envy. Every time I saw you with a different boy, I was overcome by jealousy. Your phone call today made me feel newer and fresher than I ever have before. There are seven because seven symbolizes completion and perfection. I have been completed by the perfect girl. I'll love you till every bit of this ring tarnishes and every single rose looses its beauty.” He smiled at her, placing the ring gingerly onto her finger. “This isn't too corny for you is it?”
Lol, that is pretty corny! I'm glad you made Andrew admit it, though, so it works well. And since Andrew knows his speech was corny, it helps define his personality.

Overall:


At times this was a bit too dramatic, but overall, this was nice and sweet. Thanks for the read!

~KD
Perfect things in life aren't things.
Spoiler
*_______*



It's unsettling to know how little separates each of us from another life altogether.
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