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Misty Eyes: Chapter One



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Wed Apr 14, 2010 9:26 am
smashles says...



Most of the invitees were blissfully unaware of the scandal taking place at the wedding. Not bothering to keep their voices down, the guests were chatting away happily, listening to the glorious piano background music in the meantime and politely, but not patiently, waiting for the ceremony to begin. The buzz of excitement could be felt in the air. Wings fluttered and shimmered, outfits sparkled and faces glowed on what everyone, including the bride-to-be, hoped would be her last wedding day.
Immisteria was seated alongside a tower window which had a perfect view of the guests below. She surveyed them with nervous excitement. They looked like aphids from where she was standing.
“Are you nervous?” Gertrude asked as she jabbed hairpins in her friend’s hair.
“A little,” Mist replied, gently patting her head once Gertrude had finished arranging it. “But once you’ve been through this a few times it isn’t as hard.” She said the last line jokingly, not honestly sure she believed the comment.
“Well I’m sure you’ll be fine,” Gertrude assured her. Mist gave her a hug. She was grateful someone was certain she could make it through this time.
Her parents’ advice was as helpful as a one-legged sheep dog. “You’re rich and royal, so don’t bother believing any man will love you for you.” Mist often thought her mother was something nasty when she made stupid comments such as these, but she loved her mother, so she always kept her mouth shut firmly tight when these things came to mind.
Mist looked at herself in the mirror. “I hope this is the last time you’ll have to wear this.” Gertrude said, retying the back, which had come loose. The dress was strapless silk with a criss-cross back and a sash that tied into a bow at the back. Below the sash, the silk had a spidery lace overlay and no train. Gertrude looked at it longily, as if she wished it was her that was getting married.
“Don’t give me that look, Gerty!" Mist laughed. "You’ve had your wedding.”
But as Mist turned to the window again, her playful smile disappeared and she wrapped her arms around herself. This was going to be way harder than she wanted it to be. Her stomach turned at the thought of having another unsuccessful wedding. It could have been the promise she'd made about the wedding that was causing her to hold back tears. Mist had told no one of this, and now it was starting to kill her conscious. Right then and there, she had had enough. Gertrude needed to know.
“Gerty, I made an oath.”
Gertrude stopped arranging the flowers in the room.
“You did what?" shouted Gertrude. "You know how dangerous that is! You could be killed if you don’t follow your oath, or worse, sent to the Underworld.”
The Underworld was a dark place; no faerie knew exactly where it was located. Mist had seen pictures but the only people that knew what it was actually like were the people that got sent there, and only one person has ever gotten out, but he was long gone now.
Gertrude was bright red and pacing the room gracefully, even though she was angry. Mist wished she could be as graceful as that when she was mad.
“Don’t be so angry. It’s not like it’s your life on the line,” she told her friend. Gertrude stopped mid-pace and calmed herself down with deep, long breaths. After a few moments, she spoke.
“You’re right, I’m sorry. What was the oath?” Gertrude asked slowly, in a much kinder tone.
Mist sat on the bed, biting her lip. She wasn’t sure whether or not she should say she was only joking. Gertrude sat next to her and gave her an encouraging look.
“I oathed… I oathed that if this marriage didn’t work out I would join PMA.”
The PMA; the Pixie Mission Association. They often did missions in the human world, far away from Evanesca. Mist had considered joining the PMA for quite some time now, after her first two failed engagements, but had only done anything about it now. She looked to Gertrude for a response but none came.
“Look, I know it’s strange, but there’s nothing else I can do if this fails. I want to do something with my life and this is the best thing I can think of.” Mist got up from the bed and went over to get her gloves. Gertrude also got up and smiled at her friend; it suddenly brought back that bad feeling in Mist's stomach. Gertrude's smile almost seemed a little too understanding.
“That’s a good idea,” Gertrude said finally. “Now, let’s get you properly organized. You’ve got something old, the dress," she pointed at Mist's dress, "something new, the veil,” she tied the lacy veil around Mist’s bun, “something borrowed,” she grabbed a pearl necklace from her pocket and pulled it around Mist’s neck, “and something blue!” She indicated Mist’s gorgeous midnight blue wings that faded out towards the edges. “Okay, now go get your earrings and I’ll meet you soon at the door.” Mist nodded and took a deep breath. “Okay, let’s go.” She said. Gertrude got changed into her disgusting moss-green velour bridesmaid dress with short puffy sleeves, and Mist walked over to the double doors and yanked them open.
It took a while for her to register what she saw, as she looked surprisingly at the couple embracing each other. Her heart sank and fury bubbled inside her chest as she realised what was going on. There, in the doorway, she saw her fiancé making out with her maid, Envy.
“Mist! Uh, what are you... I mean, uh... it’s bad luck to see the bride before the wedding!” Derek stuttered, quickly letting go of Envy. Envy stumbled a bit but caught herself on the window sill. Her fiancé attempted to pretend that nothing happened, but it was quite obvious by his flustered face and messy appearance exactly what he had been up to.
“Derek!” She said in surprise. “And Envy. I should have known.” Derek straightened up as Mist walked past him to the dressing table.
“Mist, I’m sorry…” He began.
“No, you’re not!" Mist snapped "If you were sorry you wouldn’t have done it to begin with. How long has this been going on?” She snatched her pearl earrings and jabbed them in far too hard, sending a shoot of pain through both ears. Derek put his tie back on and walked over to her.
“Over a month,” he said hastily. Mist glared at him. He opened his mouth to explain but Mist interrupted him.
“And you didn’t tell me? Cheat on me, fine! But don’t pretend you still love me.” She held back furious tears as she grabbed her shoes and shoved them on her feet. She wanted so badly to strip the sash off her dress and strangle him with it. She shook her head, pushing the thought to the back of her mind. “Get dressed; Envy, and tie your hair back up. Derek, button your shirt up. We’re still doing this wedding whether you like it or not.” Mist was unsure if she was doing the right thing, but a bad feeling rushed over her whenever she thought of the dangers she'd be put in if she did join PMA.
Derek did as he was told and Envy put her straight, black hair back in a ponytail. The bride stalked out of the room with her cheating husband following. Derek glanced back at Envy, arranging his expression to be as apologetic as possible, as he trailed his fiancé that he no longer wanted.
Last edited by smashles on Sun May 16, 2010 2:52 am, edited 3 times in total.
We all have moments of desperation, but if we face them head on, that's when we find out just how strong we really are. - Mary-Alice Young, Desperate Housewives
  





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Wed Apr 21, 2010 4:10 am
GoldenQuill says...



Hallo! It's Aushy, here for your review. :}

So, let's visit nitpicks first. I'll do my corrections in red. :}
I. Nitpicks
Grammar
“Don’t give me that look, Gerty!" Mist laughed. "You’ve had your time and married Zach.

Though I suggest taking 'and married Zach' out. It makes the sentence almost awkward and we don't need this information at the present moment. Try, "you've had your wedding". I mean, if you want, it's your book. :}
“Gerty, I made an oath.

“You did what? shouted Gertrude. "You know how dangerous that is! You could be killed if you don’t follow your oath, or worse, sent to the Underworld.”

Let's not use '?!', okay? It's bad grammar and it just looks ugly. D; I suggest you do something similar to the above.
“Don’t be so angry. It’s not like it’s your life on the line,” she told her friend. Gertrude stopped mid-pace and calmed herself down with deep, long breaths. After a few moments, she spoke.

“Okay, now go get your earrings and I’ll meet you soon at the door.” Mist nodded. “Okay, let’s go.”

However, I couldn't decide whether it was Gertrude or Mist speaking.
“And you didn’t tell me? Cheat on me, fine! But don’t pretend you still love me.” She held back furious tears as she grabbed her shoes and shoved them on her feet. “Get dressed, Envy ,and tie your hair back up. Derek, button your shirt up. We’re still doing this wedding whether you like it or not.”

Mist had told no-one of this, and now it was starting to kill her conscious. Right then and there, she had had enough. Gertrude needed to know.

'No one' does not like dashes, so let's please 'no one' and just put a space there instead. ^^

Other
Mist often thought her mother was something nasty when she made stupid comments such as these, but she loved her mother, so she always kept her mouth shut firmly tight when these nasty things came to mind.

You used 'nasty' twice. Let's use different adjectives, please. :}
“Mist! It’s bad luck to see the bride before the wedding!” Derek said, quickly letting go of Envy. Envy stumbled a bit but caught herself on the window sill. Her fiancé attempted to pretend that nothing happened, but it was quite obvious by his flustered face and messy appearance exactly what he had been up to.

If I were him, I'd be flustered, surprised, my words probably stumbling. I would be more like, "Mist! I--. . . . uh . . . it's, uh, it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding!" It seemed like he knew he was going to get caught by his response.

II. The Reviewing People Actually Listen To x[}
I really did enjoy this. This was great. The only suggestion is to format this as a story so it's easier to read and to work on the ending a bit more. First off, the whole Derek and Envy thing was confusing. It just went way too fast. You only said that she was upset, but you lacked description in how she felt. And if I were her, I'd already believe that the wedding was ruined and I would probably like faint or freeze or something dramatic like that because of how I felt before.
You seemed to be rushing at the end, also. The ending was hurried and undramatic. It seemed as if you created enough drama and wonder to start flying, but by the end you had crashed.

All you really need to do is work on your ending. You have a wonderful story going here, but clean it up to make it better. Keep writing, and come to my shack/PM me anytime you want me to review anything!

Love & Blessings,
Aushy
formerly ZlyWilk

Finally achieving my dreams. Dive into a unique horror story.
  





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Sat May 15, 2010 2:44 pm
Yuriiko says...



Hello there!

Here to review as requested. :wink:

Wings fluttered and shimmered,(space here)outfits sparkled and faces glowed on what everyone, including the bride-to-be, hoped would be her last wedding day.

It took a while for her to register what she saw, as she looked surprisingly at the couple embracing each(space here)other.

He opened his mouth to explain but Mist interuppted interrupted him.


I enjoyed reading this. I like your descriptions in the beginning. Also, I agree with Golden about the format thing-y. As for the character, obviously they were faeries, as you had stated. Imimsteria in your story was getting married.

The buzz of excitement could be felt in the air. Wings fluttered and shimmered,outfits sparkled and faces glowed on what everyone, including the bride-to-be, hoped would be her last wedding day.

I was kind of confused here at this part. Her 'Last wedding' day would mean that she was denied for few times already, am I right? You could have been more specific to the reasons why her weddings before became unsuccessful. Also, the last part was quite confusing... You should have been more descriptive about Immisteria's feeling towards her fiancée cheating to her. It's like "oh, you cheated on me. Okay. Fine, let's get the two of you marry right now" something like that. Describe more about her depressed feelings. How did she really feel? I know this is a fantasy genre but you should've been more realistic to Derek and Envy. Why would Derek make out with Envy on the day of his wedding? :?
And I really felt sorry to your MC. You should continue this anyway to answer all those things. :wink:

Aside from that... really, I like your story. :D

Peace out!

_Yuri_ :smt003
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal
  





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Sat Jul 31, 2010 8:38 am
Blair says...



hey smashales :)
I really enjoyed this chapter of your story. I like the idea you have of the "faery" world and the connection you made between the title and the main character's name. The only problem i had was near the beginning when you said "longily" instead of longingly.
keep up the good work, i look forward to reading the rest ;)
From Blair Waldorf
  








If I were a girl in a book, this would all be so easy.
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