z

Young Writers Society


The Pain-Chapter 2 *REVISED*



User avatar
384 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 14918
Reviews: 384
Mon Apr 12, 2010 1:28 am
eldEr says...



Okay! So here's chapter two! I need some help in the part where it mentions the garden...the pole just doesn't seem that...realistic? Unless of course it's fine ;) I was going to go with a stream and forbidden water, but I realized that there was already something like that in a book that I read. Not so original. I need tips, tips, tips! Oh, and it may seem like you've learned a ton about Aquariazzi from Dellan, but you havn't learned even a small fraction ;)


Chapter 2

Lakisha

Where am I? What's going on? My head was swarming with unanswered questions and my back with pain. I racked my brain to try and remember what had just happened. I couldn't manage to pry my eyes open, or maybe I just didn't want to. What if I opened them and I saw a white room? What if I was in the hospital with some life-threatening illness? I shook those questions and focused on my earlier ones. First off, what had just happened? Guitar lessons, strange street, pain, blackout. It came back in a wave. I groaned.

“Who goes there? I demand you show yourself in the name of the Aquarian council!” A male voice boomed.

Aquarian council? Wha...?” My thoughts were stopped short when I opened my eyes to find a young man looming over me, a dazed look playing his features. His hair was black and wavy, hanging over his eyes in places and his eyes were blue. Blue? Strange color for somebody with such dark hair. I blinked, dazed. I felt like I was caught in the middle of some horribly cliche' movie. Maybe I was. Or a horribly cliche' dream perhaps?

“Umm..Do you need help?” He asked, extending his hand towards me. I blinked at him again before taking his hand. I let him pull me up, he was strong.

I pulled my arm away and stared at him for a moment. He was wearing one of those strange skirt-typed things that the Egyptian princes had worn on “The Prince of Egypt.” His shirt was white, and a cape flowed behind him. He was clutching a bow, and repacking an arrow into it's holder. He reminded me of Robin Hood mixed with a young Moses. It made me smile despite myself.

“What?” he asked, raising an amused eyebrow at me.. What was wrong with him? I obviously wasn't a typical find in a forest here. Then again, what was wrong with me? I was the one who had managed to get from nice, wonderful Saskatoon to...well, wherever this was.



“Hm? Oh nothing. Do you mind telling me where I am?” I couldn't explain it, but I didn't feel panicked, a feeling of peace had washed over me. The pain in my back disappeared all together. Replacing the horror was now only curiosity and confusion.

He raised an eyebrow at me like I had asked the dumbest question in the world. “Aquariazzi, where else would you be?”

My eyes widened with fresh horror. “I-I've never heard of it,” I mumbled.

“What do you mean you've never heard of it? You're obviously here, and I don't know where else you could have come from.” His brow furrowed with concern. He must have thought I was crazy.

“I'm from Canada. Saskatoon if you wanted the precise location. What continent is Aquariazzi on?” I was confused. How had I managed to end up in a whole other country? How long had I been gone for?

“Continent?” By now we were both ridiculously confused.

“Oh, never mind,” I grunted, “I don't feel like figuring this all out yet. Who are you?”

“Dellan, guard and warrior of northern Aquariazzi.”

“Lakisha of Saskatoon,” I grinned despite myself. That had sounded so stupid, so cliche.

“Beautiful name,” Dellan stated absently, running his eyes over my body, “What, pray tell, are you wearing?”

“Oh, this? It's sort of the fashion where I come from. Denim shorts and a cotton t-shirt,” I shrugged.

“Strange.” There was a long, awkward silence that followed. Neither of us knew what to say to the other. How would we? We were of other worlds as far as we were concerned.

I focused on the trees. They were mostly what looked like pine and poplar, but there was something slightly different about them. The sun ran down through the canopy of leaves and pooled


at the forest floor. It was really quite beautiful, I hadn't seen many forests like it. Wild ferns were scattered across the moss and mushrooms of all shapes, sizes and colours littered the ground. Somewhere a bird sang it's beautiful song. Everything about the forest screamed with majesty and perfection. I had never seen anything like it.

Finally, Dellan broke the silence. “I suppose I should probably take you back to the village. We can get you into some decent clothes and figure out who you are.”

I nodded and watched him leap effortlessly onto his huge black horse. I just stared at him. Did he expect me to be able to jump up onto that thing? It didn't even have a saddle! “I-I've never actually ridden before,” I admitted sheepishly.

“You really aren't from here are you?” I shook my head at him. “Oh well, we can take it slow I suppose. I'll help you up,” he once again offered me his hand and I took it. His muscular arms somehow hoisted me up and onto the creature.

Unable to find anywhere else to hang on, I placed my arms around his waist and held tightly. He tensed up, but didn't shove me away. I remained exactly how I was through the whole ride. Since when was cantering taking it slow? The trees became and the ride was bumpy. Dellan seemed so at ease. How did he do it?

I somehow arrived at the village alive and in one piece. I unravelled my trembling arms from around Dellan's waist and let him slide gracefully to the ground. He laughed upon seeing my horrified expression and helped me down. I gawked at what I saw before me. The village was beautiful! The huts were decorated with flowers and embroidered rugs. Some were coloured with paint or dye. Every single one of the huts was different from its neighbour, none had exactly the same markings. I recalled once in the second grade when my teacher, Mrs. Punchelli, had told us about how each snowflake is completely unique and different. It was beautiful!

Dellan grinned at me, noticing my wonderment. “Pretty amazing, huh?” he asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Stunning! We have nothing like this in Saskatoon!” I was honestly perplexed. What were the huts even made of? Clay? They looked as if they'd been sculpted by Picasso himself. I began to notice that some had patterns etched into the sides. Suns, moons, animals, or just random swirls. I had never

seen anything so outstanding in my life!

“Well, the insides are equally as stunning. Care for a glance?”

I nodded reluctantly. Coming into this village had totally melted away my fear and panic. I was too awestruck to be concerned about anything yet. I shoved my worries to the back of my mind and soaked up the scenes and sights before me. We entered through a thin door made from wood that had been crafted to perfectly fit the entry way. It had a small, plain brass handle and inside it had an old fashioned lock, the kind that Winnie The Pooh had. I couldn't help but smile.

“Well, what do you think? It's got five rooms. One of the biggest homes in the village,” Dellan informed me, proudly.

I looked around starry-eyed. The walls were all bright colours that were matched with stunning furniture. A small love-seat made from entwined wood and painted a creamy yellow with flora handmade cushions sat nestled in the far right corner. In front of that sat a beautiful table made of what seemed to be clay that was painted a light blue. A huge table sat in the centre of the room, it had no special colours painted onto it, but a table-clothe made from some sort of plant lay across it. There were chairs surrounding it, each painted and crafted differently. Pink, blue, purple, orange. Flowers in clay vases were scattered everywhere and a large window overlooking a huge field was carved into the left wall.

I spun around, gawking. Dellan was chuckling at my side, but I hardly gave him a second thought. He was no longer what amazed me about this world, this village was what amazed me! I'd never seen anywhere like it! The colours were so vibrant and captivating and the craftsmanship of the furniture was simply astonishing!

“It-it's amazing!” I stuttered. It was sort of a delayed response, but it made Dellan laugh again.

“Well, now that you're here, why don't you start explaining what happened?” he stared at me for a moment before taking a seat on the love-seat, tapping the empty space beside him.

I strode over, trying to not to trip in my amazement and plummeted clumsily to the cushions below. “I doubt you'll believe me if I told you.” The dread-feeling returned and I began to wonder if I'd ever get home again. I began trembling and tears threatened to roll out of my eyes and snake their way down my cheek. I choked back the giant ball that had grown in my throat and held the tears


back with some effort.

“I wouldn't be too sure about that. There are lots of legends around here about alternate realities.”

I furrowed my brow in realization. Odd... I began to explain my tale, the trip to Bob's, the man, the pain, everything. The whole time he sat, brow furrowed and lips set in a straight line, eyes fully attentive. Not once did he interrupt or throw up his arms in disbelief. He soaked up every bit of my bizarre story like a dry sponge, nodding his head occasionally to show he understood.

“Wow, that's quite the ordeal,” he muttered when I had finished. “Do you mind telling me about this clothing?” he jutted his chin out towards my outfit.

I was surprised that he hadn't peppered me with questions that were actually relevant to what had happened to me. His trust levels were beginning to unnerve me for some reason. “Oh-sure,” I pointed to my shirt, “Mostly every girl where I come from dresses in a shirt and pants now. The shorts are for summer when it's hot, and we have pants that cover our whole legs when it's cold out. These are denim, but there are tons of different types of material.” I explained, sparing the details. I was feeling awkward and out-of-place, and my sentences sounded unnatural to me.

“Strange, your world sounds interesting. I'd love to visit it sometime.” I couldn't get past the fact that he actually believed me and wasn't asking me a question a second. Was he just testing me to see if I'd crack and explain I was working as some enemy spy?

“You mean you actually do believe me? Doesn't it sound a little bizarre to you?” I quizzed. No way was he actually as natural and calm about it as it appeared.

“Why not? Like I said before, there have been rumours and legends of reality-shifting floating around Aquariazzi for hundreds of years. Some of the oldest claim that they had shifted once or twice themselves. I don't have much reason to doubt.”

“Are all Aquarians this calm and trusting of outsiders?” I asked, crossing my arms.

“No, not all. Most are pretty open-minded though,” he laughed softly to himself. I didn't see what was so funny. I was stuck in this “reality” with no way to get home! Why the heck was he


laughing at me?

“Well, maybe you should explain your world a bit. I wouldn't want to break any sacred rules or anything,” I muttered half sarcastically.

Dellan didn't get what sarcasm was. “Well,” he began, clearing his throat, “What would you like to know?”

“Major violations and rules first off,” I replied, suddenly interested.

“I could find a scroll for you, but I don't think you'd want to read all of them yourself,” he chuckled again for no apparent reason, “Violation number one; too much physical contact is looked down upon. Such as putting your arms around somebody of the opposite gender's waist.” I blushed. Only around an hour here and I'd already broken a major rule. Dellan continued, “Obviously, murder, theft, adultery and disrespect for our elders are major offences. There's also rules against betraying our country to compromise with the Cloaks-”

“Cloaks?” I cut him off.

“Our enemies. They inhabit the mountains on the east side of Aquariazzi and are very numerous. Rumour has it that there may even be more of them than there are of us.”

I was truly curious now. “Interesting. Keep talking,” I urged. I had a feeling this was going to be an awful lot like my Narnia collection.

“Way back when,” he began, sighing audibly, “Cloaks and Aquarians were nonexistent; we all lived wherever we want and we were all Aquans rather than Aquarians. This all changed a few decades before I was born. One of the village elder's fathers was drawn into the forbidden garden by a Hishon, an evil creature that is somewhat like a red and black cat, although larger. Anyways, we were to never set foot in the forbidden garden, for it would mess with our minds and make us vulnerable to temptation-or something along those lines anyways. Once he had been drawn into the garden, the Hishon brought him to a pole in the middle of the garden. The pole was much more deadly than the garden itself, as the garden just took over a mind. The pole would give the Hishons freedom to roam Aquariazzi and wreak havoc on us innocent mortals. They literally destroyed over half of us from the inside-out. Why go for physical damage when you can torture oh so better by


playing with somebody's mind and turning them against their country?” Dellan sighed, as if the story itself exhausted him. I didn't blame him, it was a mouthful.

I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing. I just stared at the small rug on the floor in front of me. It had a flora pattern embroidered onto a blue background. More freakishly vibrant decor. “What should I wear?” I asked absently, trying to break the awkward silence.

“I'll show you,” with that, Dellan rose, pulling me up with him by my wrist. I followed him outside and down the road, wondering how long I had been gone. My mom was probably already forming a search party back home. Wherever that was.
Last edited by eldEr on Thu Apr 15, 2010 3:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

got trans?
  





User avatar
155 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 49725
Reviews: 155
Mon Apr 12, 2010 10:12 pm
Esther Sylvester says...



Here's Esther to review, as promised. Excellent job by the way! I love the setting and the characters. Here are some things I found:

“What?” he asked, chuckling.


This is probably just me, but I wouldn't be chuckling when I just found a strange and oddly dressed girl in the middle of the forest. You may just want to change it to, "he asked".

“I-I've never heard of it,” I mumbled.


You can stutter like that every now and then, but when you do it a lot it starts to grate against the readers ear. Try to keep the "I-I-"s to a minimum.


Finally, Dellan broke the silence. “I suppose I should probably take you back to the village. We can get you into some descent clothes and figure out who you are.”


Change "descent" to "decent".

“Our enemies. They inhabit the mountains on the east side of Aquariazzi and are very numerous. Rumour has it that there may even be more of them than there are of us. Way back when, Cloaks and Aquarians were nonexistent; we all lived wherever we want and we were all Aquans rather than Aquarians. This all changed a few decades before I was born. One of the village elder's fathers was drawn into the forbidden garden by a Hishon, an evil creature that is somewhat like a red and black cat, although larger. Anyways, we were to never set foot in the forbidden garden, for it would mess with our minds and make us vulnerable to temptation-or something along those lines anyways. Once he had been drawn into the garden, the Hishon brought him to a pole in the middle of the garden. The pole was much more deadly than the garden, as the garden just took over a mind. The pole would give the Hishons freedom to roam Aquariazzi and wreak havoc on us innocent mortals. They literally destroyed over half of us from the inside-out. Why go for physical damage when you can torture oh so better by playing with somebody's mind and turning them against their country?” Dellan sighed, as if the story itself exhausted him.


There is a reason Dellan got tired: This is an info dump. The world that you have created is so fantastic! It's shame that I got to learn so much in one big paragraph. Besides, would Dellan REALLY tell a stranger all about his culture when he didn't even know her?



OVERALL:

Very, very good job! The characters so far are great. The story is very nice, and you are good at writing descriptions. The story also flows well, but be careful not to reveal too much info at a time. Work on that and you are all set. Can't wait for more! Good job,

Esther Sylvester
It's writing prompt week on my blog a very random pickle!:
http://veryrandompickle.blogspot.com/
  





User avatar
384 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 14918
Reviews: 384
Mon Apr 12, 2010 10:38 pm
eldEr says...



wow, thanks! I'll have to keep that in mind. You learn later why Dellan is so trustworthy, I promise ;) . Dellan has a very....different outlook on reality and his fellow humans.
Actually, Dellan's description doesn't nearly sum up all of Aquariazzi...but I will try to revise it to keep some more mystery.
Thanks so much for the tips!
I'm really glad you liked it! Chapter 3 is on its way!
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

got trans?
  





Random avatar


Gender: Female
Points: 6245
Reviews: 23
Tue Apr 13, 2010 9:00 am
SophieSays says...



Hi! Sophie here to review - as requested!
I really enjoyed this. You are very good at world-building and the characters are already very well developed - and I haven't even read chapter one! I think you displayed the differences between the two main characters very well.
The main thing I had a problem with was your description. Your very good at evoking images, it's just you tend to do it in large clumps that become quite awkward to read. The beginning is also a little cliche, I think you should try and find another way to introduce the second chapter.
The big explanation Dellan gives was a bit confusing. Maybe you should introduce this information later when it is more natural to use description?
There were a couple of spelling errors which I think you could find if you skimmed through, such as 'hole' rather than 'whole'. Other than that, I did really enjoy this.
Well done and keep writing! Sophie :D
If you would like a review, please visit my review shop: topic61400.html :)
  





User avatar
384 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 14918
Reviews: 384
Tue Apr 13, 2010 2:37 pm
eldEr says...



Okay, I'll attempt to make the beginning less cliche'. But if you were extremely over-trusting of others and a girl randomly showed up looking from out-of-this world, asked you about your country's history, wouldn't you explain it to her? Plus since he's only human, it would come out slightly confusing. Some things can be hard to explain, afterall. ;)
I will try to fix my clumps of discription, though. I usually have a reason for why I make characters do what they do... but it's one of those novels you have to read from beginning-to-end to figure out everything. I might even make a sequel that holds some burried secrets.... mwhahahahaa!!
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

got trans?
  





User avatar
384 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 14918
Reviews: 384
Thu Apr 15, 2010 3:52 pm
eldEr says...



It has been revised! I still need tips, tips, tips and more tips!
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

got trans?
  





User avatar
1087 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 44360
Reviews: 1087
Fri Apr 23, 2010 8:01 pm
View Likes
Sins says...



I just reviewed this but then my computer decided to crash. :evil: Die computer. Die.

Anyway! I'm baaaack :twisted:

Wow... I actually freaked myself out there.

I've got to say, this was my favourite chapter so far! I'm feeling connected to the characters by now and I really like where your plot is heading. I do have a few minor nit-picks though.

I think that others have mentioned this, sorry for repeating, but you tend to clump descriptions together. Your descriptions can feel more like info dumps sometimes. This isn't too hard to solve though. All you need to do is add sprinkles of description here and there in the story. Do this instead of all description in one place.

At times, this can still be kind of confusing. It's definitely better than the last chapter I read though, so well done for that. It might be just me though; I get confused easily. Just read over your work and think 'Am I making sense here? If someone else was reading this, would they get it?'. :wink:

I haven't really got much else to say. My only other critiques would be a few things that I've said in the past two reviews. The use of semi-colons, for example. Although, that's more of a personal thing!

Hm... that's it for now!

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  








No matter what happens I'll always know there's a quote of mine in the YWS quote generator.
— looseleaf