Young Writers Society

I didn't like my original chapter two of this, so I changed it completely... I'm not too keen on this one either, to be perfectly honest! I really, genuinely struggle with the beginning of a story. If anyone has any advice on beginning a story, please share!

This will make a lot more sense if you read the first chapter ~
Can You See Me? Chapter One

Thanks in advance for any reviews, xoxo Skins

I stared blankly ahead of me. It felt as though I was going to throw up. My head was spinning; my heart was beating frantically, and my entire body was shaking. Any ounce of happiness that was inside of me had vanished within a matter of seconds, and all it took was one stupid mistake.
I was sitting in my English class, not really bothered about what was going on. Jax and Cassie were chatting about a movie or something, but I wasn’t listening. Flicking his fringe off his face, Jax turned to me.
“I’m so right, aren’t I?” he said, nodding at me.
Lifting my head from the rather dirty desk, I looked at him. His eyes were wide; his lips curved upwards slightly. He was still nodding.
“Huh?” I mumbled, breathing out heavily, stretching out my arms.
“Dude, is that all you do in school?” Jax laughed. “Sleep?”
I rolled my eyes at him. He had a tendency to forget that not everyone had photographic memory. He also forgot that not everyone found school as easy as going to the toilet. Not all of us actually enjoyed learning about pointless crap.
Jax was still looking at me. He also had a staring problem. I sighed heavily, before lowering my head back onto the school desk.
“James Webster,” Mr. Nichols spoke sternly. “Is there something you’d like to share with the class? I’m rather certain that you’re not discussing Hamlet.”
Jax’s face went bright red as he mumbled "No," under his breath. Cassie giggled quietly at his sombre reaction. Jax pulled his dyed black fringe over his face with his long, thin fingers, avoiding any eye contact with the teacher.
I’d almost fallen asleep, when there was a quiet knock on the classroom door. Not bothering to open my eyes, I heard the headmistresses squeaky voice.
“Can I see Maxxie Lovett please?” Miss Cheddar spoke calmly.
I opened my eyes, lifting my head. I turned my attention to the small, mouse-like woman standing in the doorway. There was a wide smile plastered on her plain face, but her eyes told another story. They looked unsure, nervous. What had I done now?
Sighing for the hundredth time, I stood up. The fake smile was still spread across Miss Cheddar’s face. As I headed towards the doorway, she spoke again.
“Bag,” she said, nodding at my desk.
Gritting my teeth, I dragged myself back towards my desk. She wasn’t going to expel me, was she? My parents would kill me. I hadn’t done anything wrong. I couldn’t think of anything anyway. As I passed the group of Britney Spears wannabes, I heard them snicker viciously. Freak, I heard one of them giggle. Gay boy, another one laughed. Why was it that just because my best friend was gay, I had to be? I gritted my teeth. I was lucky that I was good at ignoring people.
After leaving the room, I felt a small shiver run down my spine. Shaking the feeling out of my body, I looked ahead of me. Miss Cheddar hadn’t said anything, which was odd, because normally if I was in trouble she’d be lecturing me right now. That’s when I began feeling nervous. Something didn’t feel right. I had no idea what that something was, but it definitely felt wrong. After passing many classrooms, each one filled with unenthusiastic kids, we finally reached the headmistresses’ office.
“Stay here,” Miss Cheddar demanded, signalling for me to sit down on one of the cushioned seats outside her office.
Without saying another word, I immediately did as I was told. I was feeling even worse now. There was a small lump forming at the back of my dry throat. I attempted to peer through the small window on the top of Miss Cheddar’s office door, but I couldn’t see a thing. I dove my hand into my trouser pocket and brought out my iPod. Music always helped me escape from reality. Before I could put the headphones into my ears, someone distracted me. Well, you could say something distracted me.
I stared at the pretty girl in front of me. The second I saw her, I knew that there was something wrong. Horribly wrong.
“Annabel...?” I spoke slowly.
Annabel didn’t say a word. She didn’t even flinch. She simply stared at me, her eyes full of sympathy. My heart was slowly beginning to beat faster every second.
“Annabel?” I asked again.
As I spoke, I could hear the desperation in my own voice. A small, rather pathetic smile appeared on Annabel’s face before she suddenly vanished. Shoving my iPod back into my pocket, I breathed in heavily.
What felt like hours later, I turned my head to see Miss Cheddar, standing in the office doorway. Behind her was a tall dark haired man, dressed in a police uniform. I swallowed hard. Still with a stupid, fake smile spread across her face, Miss Cheddar sat on the seat next to me.
“Maxxie,” she said, way too calmly to be comforting. “It’s your parents, darling,”
She placed her limp hand onto my knee. She paused for a few seconds too long before finally speaking again. “There’s been an accident,”
That was the moment the world, as I knew it, rapidly came to an end.

Edit: Thanks for the reviews guys. I checked out the whole period thing. There doesn't need to be a period after Miss, so I've changed it now.

Wow, Skins. This was awesome! I loved every second of it--no lie! You have a great way of pulling the reader into the story, and I felt exactly what Maxxie (is that his name?) was feeling when he was feeling it. Most young writers find it hard or impossible to accomplish that, but you pulled it off seamlessly. Great job.

It's weird. This chapter had four likes, but no reviews until mine...Sheesh people. If you're gonna read, why not review?

Oh, and you changed the name? It is loads better than the other two options you had. I like it because I know what it means (having read about Annabel), but it's not completely obvious, like, "Invisible Girl," or something. Awesome.

One thing: When you say "Miss." you don't need the period. It might be an abbreviation of "missus," but you would only need a period if you were saying "Ms." Well...at least I think so. I'm 90% sure. Maybe you should look it up.

Oh, and is the MC gay? Someone called him that, but it might have just been a rude comment. *confused*

Anyways, I can't wait to review some more! Please post in my WRFF thread when you write more of this. Great job, you genius you!

-Knightley

oh my god!
this is really good
i can tell now that you are going to get more comments then you are things you need to correct!
i think it was perfect (almost)

Sorry, I have no critiques for you. (Well, except for the one that Knightley pointed out.) Because...
Wow! This was great! This totally deserves to be featured. I'm glad it is.
I couldn't stop reading all of your chapters...I read through all the remakes, etc. in only a few minutes. I enjoyed them all.
This is well written, of course. I'm liking the MC. Good idea for the story. I think you're especially doing a good job with the narrator's voice.
Keep up the good work-
KD

PS
I can't click the 'Like' button more than once?

skins? Your should be called skills...

You kept me stuck on my screen like glue. I have not seen the first chapter, but i still really liked this. You rock man! You've really got skills.

Your work makes me feel good inside... Just gives me a tickle.

Rock on.

LOL :-*

Heya Skins!

As said before you really have a way of drawing me into the story, which is great!

The things I would suggest to you is that you introduce up to the MC a little more. Knightly pointed out that there was a comment about him being gay, so you might want to clear that up. I assume that he's not and it was just a mean girl comment, but you might want to clarify .

Also here

,no,

Why not just put it as "No"?

Anyway I really liked it, good job and keep writing!

~Hope

Really like this story! im glad its featured (how does that happen by the way?)
anyways a word just caught my attention...

Skins wrote:Cassie giggled quietly at his sombre reaction.

sombre is the french spelling, in english it's somber. I looked it up, but i might still be wrong.
Loved the story, but i want to know more about the MC!
Zib

Hello, Here as requested which Im so glad you did.

It felt as though that I was going to throw up.

This sentence is a little hard to read maybe consider rewording it or taking the word 'that' out.

My head was spinning madly, my heart was beating frantically and my entire body was shaking wildly.

Because each of these three could be their own sentence instead of a comma after madly there needs to be a semi-colon and there needs to be a comma after frantically.

Life as I knew it had vanished within the matter of seconds.

When you say within the matter of seconds you make it specific to a certain part of time but you don't go on in the sentence to tell what seconds so I suggest changing the to a

I was sitting in my English class, not really bothered about what was going on.

I'm not sure english has to be capitalized

His eyes were wide, his lips curved upwards slightly.

Because these could make two separate sentences there needs to be a semi-colon (;)

Jax’s face went bright red as he mumbled "No." under his breath.

instead of a period I think there should be a comma after the no.

He pulled his dyed black fringe over his face with his long, thin fingers, avoiding any eye contact with the teacher.

Whats fringe??

“Can I see Maxxie please?” Miss Cheddar spoke calmly.

Wouldn't she have said both his first and last name?

Gritting my teeth, I dragged myself back towards my desk. She wasn’t going to expel me was she? My parents would kill me. I hadn’t done anything wrong. I couldn’t think of anything anyway. As I passed the group of Britney Spears wannabe’s, I heard them snicker viciously. Freak, I heard one of them giggle. Gay boy, another one laughed. Why was it that just because my best friend was gay, I had to be? I gritted my teeth. I was lucky that I was good at ignoring people.

Very real. I like this passage alot. Good job.

What felt like hours later, Miss Cheddar appeared in the office door.

this seems a bit awkward try rewording.

Behind her was a tall dark haired man, dressed in a policing uniform.

A police uniform?

That was the moment the world, as I knew it, rapidly came to an end.

I love this ending sentence. I'm craving more


These are some things I found wrong and some things I liked. I think you did a really good job. If you have any questions please feel free to PM me,
Tiffany

Well I'd normally have something to mention here, but really, I don't. I think everyone else basically said anything I might have wanted to, especially Rascalover.

Over all, good chapter. As others have said, you have a good way of pulling people into the story, plus the fact that you don't have loads of mistakes (thank god).

I enjoyed the chapter a lot myself, so good job!

Hey there Skins! Tis WD, as requested! I'm glad I got to make it over here and read this--you really have a way with crafting the flow of the story. This had a smooth, wonderful pace to it; you really have an eye for when to expand with description and when to let the story run. Wonderful job! I'm very impressed by the pacing here, and I'm already starting to get a pretty good feel for your main character. You are delving into a lot of body language, providing just the right amount of description and internal thought in most places, plus the narrative is really catering to your character's personality. This is very good.

I'm just going to touch on a few things that I consistently saw that you can improve upon, yah? All right, let's start:

I stared blankly ahead of me. It felt as though I was going to throw up. My head was spinning madly; my heart was beating frantically, and my entire body was shaking wildly. Life as I knew it had vanished within a matter of seconds. My world had come crashing down, and all it took was one stupid mistake.

Okay, the beginning! I really like how you start off straight away with visceral reaction--it immediately pulls us into your character's internal response to external circumstance, something that really furthers character development. Then we start getting into more feeling--but the second sentence here is painful because of how many adverbs there are! Look at those! Now, parallel structure has its place; the semicolons make me think you were going for that, but it feels cluttered! Pick strong, specific verbs and don't lean on those adjectives! It will tighten this bit up tremendously.

Lifting my head from the rather dirty desk, I looked at him. His eyes were wide; his lips curved upwards slightly. He was still nodding frantically.

Mmm, another moment where adverbs feel like they are getting out of hand. Nodding frantically? Odd image, odd connotation. Less reliance on adverbs, more on verbs is the way to go here.

Jax’s face went bright red as he mumbled "No," under his breath. Cassie giggled quietly at his sombre reaction. Jax really hated getting told off. He pulled his dyed black fringe over his face with his long, thin fingers, avoiding any eye contact with the teacher.

This was one paragraph where I felt like the telling was acting as a crutch for the body language. The part where you tell us Jax hates being told off. Unnecessary--the body language already delivers that.

“Annabel...?” I spoke slowly.
Annabel didn’t say a word. She didn’t even flinch. She simply stared at me, her eyes full of sympathy. My heart was slowly beginning to beat faster every second.
“Annabel?” I asked again.

I thought the section with Annabel was especially well done--just enough emphasis. Very good.

This is a really great start! It is hard for me to start judging characters from such a short opening, but your prose is framing your character well right now which makes me think that your characters are coming through pretty strongly as you want them. I really don't have many issues with this--normally, school settings and drama bother me, mostly because they aren't often well done. But this had just the right amount of the 'school' feel to it, establishing setting without making it seem cheesy. Great job there! My main suggestion with this is to go back and pick apart some of those adverbs. Many of them are unnecessary and you can remove the crutches of telling and excessive adverbs in many places. Other than that, this is a pretty good start! I look forward to seeing where it is going.

Nice job here and keep writing! PM me if you have any questions and thanks for the read!

Heya, Skins! Alright, this is a huge improvement. You really took those reviews to heart, eh? I'll be back with a real, complete critique later, but it's currently one in the morning here and I want to go to sleep.Great job, I'm loving this so far!

-Dreamy

Hi Skins. I am here again and hope to find some nice continuation to the fist part.

I stared blankly ahead of me. It felt as though I was going to throw up. My head was spinning; my heart was beating frantically, and my entire body was shaking. Life as I knew it had vanished within a matter of seconds. My world had come crashing down,(you are in a bad habit of putting commas without any reason) and all it took was one stupid mistake.
I was sitting in my English class, not really bothered about what was going on. Jax and Cassie were chatting about a movie or something, but I wasn’t listening. Flicking his fringe off his face, Jax turned to me.
“I’m so right, aren’t I?” He said, nodding at me.
Lifting my head from the rather dirty desk, I looked at him. His eyes were wide; his lips curved(stop repeating this word) upwards slightly. He was still nodding.
“Huh?” I mumbled, breathing out heavily, stretching out my arms.
“Dude, is that all you do in school?” Jax laughed. “Sleep?”
I rolled my eyes at him. He had a tendency to forget that not everyone had photographic memory. He also forgot that not everyone found school as easy as going to the toilet. Not all of us actually enjoyed learning about pointless crap.
Jax was still looking at me. He also had a staring problem. I sighed heavily, before lowering my head back onto the school desk.
“James Webster,” Mr. Nichols spoke sternly. “Is there something you’d like to share with the class? I’m pretty sure that you’re not discussing Hamlet.”
Jax’s face went bright red as he mumbled "No," under his breath. Cassie giggled quietly at his sombre reaction. Jax pulled his dyed black fringe over his face with his long, thin fingers, avoiding any eye contact with the teacher.
I’d almost fallen asleep, when there was a quiet knock on the classroom door. Not bothering to open my eyes, I heard the headmistress's squeaky voice.
“Can I see Maxxie Lovett please?” Miss Cheddar spoke calmly.
(Once you say squeaky then calm. What's going on?)
I opened my eyes, lifting then lifted my head. I turned my attention to the small, mouse like woman standing in the doorway. There was a wide smile plastered on her plain face, but her eyes told were telling(This way it looks more good) another story. They looked unsure, nervous. What had I done now?
Sighing for the hundredth time, I stood up. The fake smile was still spread across Miss Cheddar’s face. As I headed towards the doorway, she spoke again.
“Bag,” She said, nodding at my desk.
Gritting my teeth, I dragged myself back towards my desk. She wasn’t going to expel me, was she?( My parents would kill me. I hadn’t done anything wrong. I couldn’t think of anything anyway. As I passed the group of Britney Spears wannabe’s, I heard them snicker viciously. Freak, I heard one of them giggle. Gay boy, another one laughed. Why was it that just because my best friend was gay, I had to be? I gritted my teeth. I was lucky that I was good at ignoring people.
After leaving the room, I felt a small shiver run down my spine. Shaking the feeling out of my body, I looked ahead of me. Miss Cheddar hadn’t said anything, which was odd, because normally if I was in trouble she’d be lecturing me right now. That’s when I began feeling nervous. Something didn’t feel right. I had no idea what that something was, but it definitely felt wrong. After passing many classrooms, each one filled with unenthusiastic kids, we finally reached the headmistress' office.
“Stay here,” Miss Cheddar spoke, signalling for me to sit down on one of the cushioned seats outside her office.
Without saying another word, I immediately did as I was told. I was feeling even worse now. There was a small lump forming at the back of my dry throat. I attempted to peer through the small window on the top of Miss Cheddar’s office door, but I couldn’t see a thing. I dove my hand into my trouser pocket and brought out my iPod. Music always helped me escape from reality. Before I could put the headphones into my ears, someone distracted me. Well, you could say something distracted me. Reframe it.
I stared at the pretty girl in front of me. The second I saw her, I knew that there was something wrong. Horribly wrong.
“Annabel...?” I spoke slowly.
Annabel didn’t say a word. She didn’t even flinch. She simply stared at me, her eyes full of sympathy. My heart was slowly beginning to beat faster every second.
“Annabel?” I asked again.
As I spoke, I could hear the desperation in my own voice. A small, rather pathetic smile appeared on Annabel’s face before she suddenly vanished. Shoving my iPod back into my pocket, I breathed in heavily.
What felt like hours later, I turned my head to see Miss Cheddar, standing in the office doorway. Behind her was a tall, dark haired man, dressed in a police uniform. I swallowed hard. Still with a stupid, fake smile spread across her face, Miss Cheddar sat on the seat next to me.
“Maxxie,” She said, way too calmly to be comforting. “It’s your parents, darling,”
She placed her limp hand onto my knee. She paused for a few seconds too long before finally speaking again. “There’s been an accident,”
That was the moment the world, as I knew it, rapidly came to an end.

Okay, first you started him being a seven year old then you suddenly showed us some high school or middle school. That was very confusing at first but then I understood. Also tell what all happened with him during these years. How did Annabel come to him and all.

You have a very serious problem with commas. You add them when they aren't needed and sometimes you eat them. Visit this: Comma problem? It might solve your problem.

You give very good shocks at the end of the chapters. That's a good quality and an excellent way of keeping your reader hooked to the story.

KEEP WRITING!!!! Going for the next.

Okay, I'm back again, this time for a real review:

Alright, so I'm not going to bother with nitpicks, everybody else has covred those. I'll start with you beginning-

In the end of the last chapter, we've just fallen in love with loveable, sweet little Maxxie. This sudden transition into a withdrawn slacker is a bit... sudden. I think more of a transition is needed.
Second! You throw several new characters out at once. Last time I read, Maxxie had no friends mentioned. Then, you're mentioning Jax and some best friend who is gay? We need to get to know them better.

Lastly: I like your little cliffhanger at the end.We have had time to get to know Maxxie's mom, so it is shocking. Nice one there.


Overall: This seems more like a third or fourth chapter. I think yo need to transition into this more. Without a transition it's like a jump into the future that makes you think "wait. Did I I skip a chapter? Who are these people and when did Maxxie grow up?"

overall, good job, but more editing is needed.

Thanks for the reviews guys! I really appreciate them.

I agree with you Dreamy. I thought that this was a big jump from the first chapter. The problem is though, I wouldn't know what to write in between! I don't want to literally go through his life until I reach this point. Maybe I could turn chapter one into a prologue or something...?

xxx

Again, just posting what I noticed.

Skins wrote:“I’m so right, aren’t I?” He said, nodding at me.

That "H" in "He" should be lower-case.

Skins wrote:“Is there something you’d like to share with the class? I’m pretty sure that you’re not discussing Hamlet.”

I believe this man is an English teacher? Based on his credentials, I don't think he'd be saying "pretty sure". You should change this to "quite certain" or "rather certain".

Skins wrote:I turned my attention to the small, mouse like woman standing in the doorway.

This is a compound adjective, and thus requires a hyphen.

"mouse-like"

Skins wrote:“Bag,” She said, nodding at my desk.

The "S" in "She" should be lower-case; her words were read rather sternly by me. Perhaps you can write "she said sternly"?

Skins wrote:wannabe’s

This word... There shouldn't be an apostrophe.

Skins wrote:“Stay here,” Miss Cheddar spoke, signalling for me to sit down on one of the cushioned seats outside her office.

"Spoke"... isn't really good to put there. It's used moreso before a sentence separated by dialogue with a period, rather than as a word of a descriptive phrase. You should use "said", or reconstruct it to say.

"Miss Cheddar spoke. "Stay here." The woman signalled for me to sit down on one of the cushioned seats outside her office."

Otherwise, use "said" or "demanded".

Skins wrote:“Maxxie,” She said, way too calmly to be comforting. “It’s your parents, darling,”

Again, no capital on the "S" in "She"".

In red, I show you a place where you omitted a comma.

Skins wrote:She placed her limp hand onto my knee. She paused for a few seconds too long before finally speaking again.

This phrase is a bit awkward, mostly due to the weird use of "too long" in the phrase. You need to reconstruct this, or remove "too long" altogether.

Overview

Grammar has improved since the comma splices of doom in chapter one. I still do enjoy this story; it has the eerie sentiment to it. Can't wait to review chapter three.