Young Writers Society

I am looking for my clown. They say that you are gone, but I refuse to believe it . You are beautiful and strong and brave, and I know you can never be gone. I know that one day I will find my clown. You live up in the clouds now, I know. They call it heaven and point up towards the clouds. I look at them eachday and try to find you, but those wretched clouds are just so thick and impossible to see through. Sometimes though, the sun shines through, and I swear that I see you. You must be happy there, engulfed by the golden rays of the sun, never feeling cold or pain. I miss you though, and you promised me you'd never leave me. Remember? Remember when you said, no matter what happens you will never leave me, you will always be with me and never stop loving me? That is why I'm still waiting. And eachday I wake up and look up at the clouds, and I look hard and deep and try to find you, sometimes I could swear I can see your shape, but everyone says it is just my imagination, they all think you're gone. You promised you wouldn't leave me though, remember? You said, once you came back, you would take me to a magical land full of bright colors, and tigers, and fire eaters, where the air is saturated with the sweetest scents. So here I am, nearly twelve, and everyone says 'put it out of your head Abbey' . I know you're up there in the clouds, living life to the fullest. But I also know that you always keep your promises, my dear clown. One day, one perfectly ordinairy day, you will come for me and you will take me to that magical land you

spoke so much of. I look up at the sky even now, the sun shines through the clouds, I could swear I see you there, and I could swear that you know what I am thinking.

***
My day begins thus, I wake up in my big cloud everyday, not as small as Abbey thinks, and I yawn quite loudly. No one hears me though, as I'm all alone in this big cloud. Not for long though. As soon as I am fully awoken I go visit my dear old friend, the sun. Or he comes visits me, whichever comes first. Then we have tea and cookies and we simply have the time of our lives. Despite of what those silly humans might think, the sun is not that hot, why, I spent my whole days with him and he does not feel hot at all. The sun is a good companion, unlike so many other humans, he does not find me queer at all. You see, they all think I don't exist, except for Abbey. They tried to tell her that I 'died'. As if. I could never die. I have the secret to immortality, which I'm not willing to share with you as of yet. Abbey knows though, she knows about my bright outfits and silly smiles, she knows I may look a tad scary, but really I am lovable. Abbey knows. Those horrid humans try to tell her otherwise, but she knows. As my days pass by in this lovely land, I get a bit lonely. I can't actually take Abbey to the land which I promised to take her to, because it wasn't me who promised...but I am getting ahead of myself here, and I hear the sun banging at my door, so I must go open it, he gets so put off when I make him wait.

***


'I've tried everything, she just keep going on and on about him...' Abbey's mother sounded desperate as she spoke to the doctor, ' I have no idea what to tell her, to make her understand that all he is, is just her imagination, she's not a child anymore, and her behaviour is at times dangerous. The other day, I saw her sitting on her windowsill, well she could've fallen off!'

' I understand madame, but we must be patient with her, perhaps this has something to do with her father..." The doctor broke off abruptly, as he caught the look on the old woman's face.
'I don't understand how Doctor...' She said evenly ' It's been years since..." She broke off suddenly.
'Well, it is the most likely theory, I do believe" The Doctor said, as he smiled tiredly at her, trying to comfort her.

stelagineva wrote:Sometimes though, the sun shines through, and I swear that I see you. You must be happy there, engulfed by the golden rays of the sun, never feeling cold or pain. I miss you. though, and You promised me you'd never leave me.

stelagineva wrote:Remember? Remember when you said,that no matter what happensed you willwould never leave me, you willwouldalways be with me and never stop loving me? That is why I'm still waiting. And each day I wake up and look up at the clouds., and I look hard and deep and try to find you, .sometimes I could swear I can see your shape, but everyone says it is just my imagination; they all think you're gone.

You seem to have a little bit of a comma problem I have it too, so I know how annoying it can be.

Also, generally when you use quotation marks, you use two (""). The single quotes ('')are for when you have a quote within a quote.

I really like your choice to tell the story from several POVs.

Oh my goodness this is weird. I like it!

Hiya stelagineva! I'm here at your request!
I like this story, very weird indeed. I love the different points of view!
I shall review this in pretty purple!

Nit-picks:
You seem to use commas a lot, don't worry, I do it all the time too. Who is the clown and why is he so special? I'm sure this will unfold in the story later, no worries.

You said, once you came back, you will take me to a magical land full of bright colors, tigers, and fire eaters, where the air is saturated with the sweetest scents.Don't put 'and' in a sentence more than once.

One day, one perfectly ordinary day, you will come for me and you will take me to that magical land you spoke so much of. I look up at the sky even now, the sun shines through the clouds, I could swear I see you there, and I could swear that you know what I am thinking.Why did you make a new paragraph mid-sentence? Very confusing.

Hi I am here as requested. I liked the story and specially the characters. I hope you go ahead with it. Here are some nit-picks:

As soon as I am fully awoken I go visit my dear old friend, the sun.

use the word, 'awake'.

of what those silly humans might think, the sun is not that hot, why, I spent my whole days with him and he does not feel hot at all.

I think it should be spend.
Okay is the girl twelve or what? Just come along with that point. i won't say it was fabulous but it wasn't bad either. Keep writing!!!!!!!!

Thank you for all the crits, and to the last person ahahha yes Abbey is 12..or around that age =)

Well to tell you the truth it was strange, and confusing. The clown or whatever it was, it's point of view was just odd...I assume you're going to explain more about what's going on, because right now I'm just at a loss. The beginning was really just Ehh...it didn't really give me any reason to keep reading, it was just...ehh. I didn't know if you were talking about an actual clown, or like a goofy boyfriend or something. But you've got an interesting style, and this seems pretty interesting, good luck with it!!

~Hope