Okay, this is a haiku, which means it is short. But its good. Its really good, not that there is much to say. It was kinda...well depressing when you said
I will perish soon
But, hey, you'll die without water right? Good job Ellie!
~Forest
Sorrow lasts through this night I'll take this piece of you, and hold for all eternity For just one second I felt whole... as you flew right through me. ~Sorrow by Flyleaf
I've never been a poet, and poems with a specific structure has been stuff I've been unwilling to touch.
But this trend of YWS haiku has been bothering me, because pretty much all of it has done absolutely nothing for me, and I've been at a loss as to why. I've been unwilling to pan stuff I know nothing about.
Well, now you bring this to my doorstep, and I've armed myself with half an hour of internet browsing a researching about the haiku technique.
Cheers.
***
Where this haiku falls short, is that it does not conform thematically to haiku structure, and does not contain the emotional import to which a haiku aspires.
A haiku has two parts; a kigo, and a kireji. The kigo is a fragment of a sentence can be thought of as the poem's background, or the canvas upon which the haiku is to be painted upon. The second part should then be a phrase with a break in the middle, that zooms the camera in to highlight a specific corner of this painting. This is called 'Fragment and Phrase Theory'. Also, forget about 5-7-5. Guidelines, not rules.
In your haiku, the first line is close, but not really in form. In making it 'I dream of water' you've confined this feeling to yourself, which doesn't really fit into the macro point of the kigo. Instead; I'd suggest revising the first line to express a general longing for water, or possibly, a setting for this longing?
Secondly, your kireji is not one complete phrase, but two. I'd suggest expanding the the last line, as that seems to hit at the heart of the matter, and is a specific examination of the kigo, while deleting line two. The second line says nothing new, and is boring. Consider a revision that addresses an action, specific to you which demonstrates your thirst.
In essence, reconstruct your haiku along these lines; [Windswept desert] [Throat is dry and] [calling out for water]
The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep. - Robert Frost
