Rosalie (Short Piece)

I miss you, Rosalie.
I miss your laughter and your smile. Both were so contagious. You brightened everyone’s day when you walked through the door. You sat next to those kids at school who were all alone, and who nobody liked. You’d make them laugh. You’d make them smile. And if someone, anybody tried to tease them or make fun of them, you’d be there, Rosalie, and you’d convince the people to stop. If a kid was ever left out of a game of jump rope, your favorite game if I remember correctly, you would invite them in. Everyone looked up to you, Rosalie. Everyone loved you just as much as you loved them.
I miss your voice. I miss your voice that comforted me in the worst times. Even though I was your big sister by more than a few years, you still managed to always make me feel better.
I miss your stories at night. They were always so funny. I knew that you would be a great writer. You’d create comedies in fairytale worlds. You’d think up the unimaginable. Remember, Rosalie? Remember how we used to laugh so hard, so loudly in the dark that Mum and Dad would storm up the stairs, yelling, “What’s up young ladies? It is bedtime!” Then we’d tug the covers over our heads. After we heard them go back downstairs to the television, you would continue where you left off. Now I stare at the empty bed beside me, and I expect to hear your voice. Sometimes, such a baby I am, Rosalie, I cry. And cry.
I miss our games of Poohsticks. Remember? We would play them in the summertime, by Sarah’s house. We would play them on the bridge, over the water. We would hurl sticks into the creek, waiting to see which one came out first on the other side of the bridge. Playing Poohsticks was the only time when you were competitive, Rosalie. I laugh remembering this. You were so serious about the outcome. My stick always came out first. I would scream happily like a small child, “I did it! I did it! I won!” I’d tease you being the bad sport I always tended to be, unlike you. You would frown, then smile. “I’ll beat you next time, Cassidy.” But you never did.
I miss your long speeches. Yes, the long speeches that I always thought were boring, I thought they were dumb. Your speeches on your deep thoughts on life. Death. Peace. Things like that. How peace was possible, blah, blah, blah. Stupid me thought, “Who cares? Wouldn’t you rather be watching TV , chatting on the phone, or be doing something more fun?” You’d record all your thoughts in your journal. I read your journal last night, Rosalie. I hope you don’t mind.
And lastly, I just miss you. Period.
I want to tell you all this. I want to share with you all these great memories and times we had together.
But it’s all too late.

I’m sorry, Rosalie.
I’m sorry that our last conversation ended in a shove.
I’m sorry that I told you I hated you last Friday after we got into a big fight. It wasn’t true. I’m horrible, Rosalie.
I’m sorry I teased you about how you dressed. I told you how you dressed made you look like a loser. Only just because you dressed differently, just because you had a different style. I made you cry. I was the loser, Rosalie. I was.
I’m sorry that we never got a chance to play a last game of Poohsticks together. And that you never got to win before you were gone.
I’m sorry that I didn’t let you watch your favorite show last week. You wanted to see the show so badly. I should have let you.
I’m sorry that I never got the chance to tell you how much I learned from you. You a role model to me. To everybody. I always looked up to you.
I can go on and on forever about the things I am sorry about, and the things I never got the chance to apologize for. But most of all, I’m sorry that I never got the chance to tell you how much I love you.
But it’s all too late.

Spoiler

This is not a prologue, chapter of a story, or anything of the sort! I just had a sudden urge to write this, so...tell me what you think! Thanks. (By the way, if you don't know already, Poohsticks is a real game. I just found out it has it's own Wiki Entry, and there is a World Poohsticks Championship!! Random but cool, huh? )

~KD

It's so sad. But it's a wonderfully done story. Great job! I would only sugest that you maybe put this in a letter like way. Like it can start out with "Dear Rosalie" and in with "Your Sister" or something of the sorts. When I read it, I felt like I was reading a letter. But, that's just me. It's your story. Lovely work, keep it up!

Hi Kaedee!

That's a beautiful piece. Good work. I just have a few nitpicks for you.

They were so funny, Rosalie. I knew that you would be a great writer. You’d create comedies in fairytale worlds. You’d think up the unimaginable. Remember, Rosalie?

The use of Rosalie twice doesn't sound good when I read it. Try removing one of them.

Sometimes, such a baby I am, Rosalie, I cry. And cry.

This is a bit awkwardly phrased. Even if it was intended, I would suggest : Sometimes, I'm such a baby, Rosalie; I cry.

And lastly, I just miss you. Period.

Since you already began with a 'I miss you' you could say something like "I miss you so much" or use again or some related word.

Overall: I like the style. Very good. There very only a handful of nitpicks. Good job.

Keep Writing
Cheers,
~Lava

Thanks for the feedback! Looking over my piece again to edit.

~KD

This was amazing! I loved it. It is so sad though. Your piece had so much depth and emotion. There were a few parts were the flow was interrupted such as saying Rosalie right after the previous sentence included the same word or grammatical errors. But keep it up. I really liked it!

Oh...thanks so much for reading this! I'm glad you liked it.

I love how you've expressed the character's feelings; the diction seems so realistic and - more importantly - straight from the heart.
One thing: Perhaps you could use "But it's all..." a few more times, to give it a little more continuity.
All in all, this is a very beautiful and sad piece...But I'd love to hear more! I think you should continue this.

Hello there, KD!

I miss your voice. I miss your voice that comforted me in the worst times.

I'm not sure of this, just in my opinion. I don't think how you repeat 'your voice' is a good thing.
Maybe just say it like this: "I miss you voice that comforted me in the worst times."

I’m sorry I teased you about how you dressed. I told you how you dressed made you look like a loser. Only just because you dressed differently, just because you had a different style. I made you cry. I was the loser, Rosalie. I was.

Also with here, try lessening your repetitions of words, okay?


Anyway, those are just some of my nitpicks.

Okay, I really like this. Emotions, regrets and everything are really existing here which is good. I feel sorry too for you 'sister'. Anyway, one thing I just want to say is that try lessening your redundancy and repetitions of words, okay? It just don't feel right when you read words twice or thrice in one paragraph.

Let's go at the good things. Your kept your structure of this piece informal and personal, which is really good, I like how you stay the piece the way you want it to be. Spellings are good and I salute with your tenses. They are all consistent.

Overall, I find this piece good. PM me for questions.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri

Hiya,

This is a very lovely and sad piece. I was nearly in tears at the end--it's amazing how much emotion you were able to portray in such a short piece. I loved how you characterized Rosalie just from memories, and I feel like I've known her and she's been my best friend for years. I also thought your portrayal of the sister was excellent. The ending shows this wonderfully; it really says that she's not perfect nor is Rosalie, yet they both feel remorse and both still love each other.

I don't really have much to say besides that, expect one tiny comment. Why is Rosalie's fate never shown or mentioned? It's a little odd that you give us paragraph after paragraph of praises for Rosalie, but we never know what's happened to her. Even though it's implied that she's dead, other scenarios could have fit. She could been injured and confined to a vegetative state, she could have run away. We don't know for sure, and that uncertainty makes me somewhat uneasy.

Anyway, I liked this piece a lot. I'll be looking forward to reading more of your work. PM me if you need anything further, okay?

-Elinor x

Thanks so much for the reviews and feedback, Fashionist, Yuri, and Elinor! They made my day (: I'm glad that the emotion in this piece came across well.