Young Writers Society

This was written very spur of the moment but I'm kind of fond of it and I'm considering maybe going somewhere with it but I'm not sure yet. If I missed any grammar nitpicks, please point them out. That would be awesome, but I need a lot more focus on writing from a boys point of view (which is really weird and new for me).
*thanks*


“She’s stunning, isn’t she?” A wiry young man of twenty something dropped down next to Michael on the ledge of the building. He held a wine glass at the neck, carelessly spinning it between his fingertips.
“Yeah she is,” Michael answered watching the girl below dance, her beauty far surpassing her grace, which was magnificent in itself. Maybe he was over-exaggerating her beauty, but it was hard not to notice the glow of her flesh or the way her hips swayed perfectly under the folds of her skirt as she moved barefoot across the floor. It was hard yet not to notice the perfect symmetry of her chest, two glorious orbs of flesh draped in ivory satin. “Who is she?”
Michael was seventeen and had, only two months ago, grown out of watching cartoons and playing video games and grown into watching girls and playing with the idea of falling in love with well-endowed, Europeans.
The young man took a thoughtful sip from his glass before answering. “Her name is Emma Locke. And I’m warning you now, the girl is dangerous.” He paused and glanced at Michael critically. “By the way, who are you?” The young man extended his free hand.
“Michael,” he answered, shaking the strangers hand carefully, keeping Emma, a fragile creature in white far below on the cobbled street, visible in the corner of his eye.
“Benedetti,” he said without prompt, smile and swinging his feet back and forth childishly over the ledge.
“What did you mean when you said that she was dangerous? She looks so…”
“Beautiful. That’s the danger,” Benedetti interrupted quickly. “She’s very much like the hemlock plant. Delicate white flowers mask a terrible death. Every man who has ever gotten close to her has died, never by her hands, but always because of her.”
Michael shook his head but he didn’t have a clue of what to say without scaring Benedetti away. He couldn’t believe such a foolish notion.
“Do you mind if I ask what a fine American boy such as yourself, happens to be doing on the rooftop of the Pantheon Hotel while a party rages on in the streets below you?”
“I haven’t the slightest idea.” Well he had some idea, predominantly his fear of the crowd. Why observe it from the shadows on the ground where every eye would be on him when he could hide away on the roof.
His attention was glued to Emma, even as she stepped away from the dance floor. A group of far-inferior girls gathered around her in an instant, carrying a chorus of compliments and laugher up to the rooftop. “You’re gay, aren’t you?” Michael peeked at Benedetti for a split second.
He chuckled, straightened his red suede jacket, and downed the remainder of his drink. “One more drink and I might be.”
Michael chuckled under his breath and stood up. “I should really be going. It was nice meeting you, Benedetti.”
The stranger pulled himself up quickly and shook Michael’s hand. “Listen, I’m hosting a party tomorrow evening in Suite 312. If you want to come, you’re welcome.” Benedetti started to walk towards the door but paused and turned, his heals crunching on the gravel. “Emma will be there.” He didn’t hesitate after that and disappeared back out the service door.
When Michael shot one last, fleeting glance down at Emma, her red hair spinning as she returned to the dance floor, his heart fluttered a little. It wasn’t so much love that was growing in his chest but rather lust, a potent, deadly emotion.

hey lilymoore,

about micheal, i didnt really like how you said that

Michael was seventeen and had, only two months ago, grown out of watching cartoons and playing video games and grown into watching girls and playing with the idea of falling in love with well-endowed, Europeans.

okay. micheal had just recently started liking girls and hes already feeling some lust? hmm, it didnt work for me. but i do like the sentence at the end. it did leave me wanting to read more.

i like how you set up emma's character and how you described her. the part with micheal noticing her orbs, though, could have been worded better haha.

benedetti, ooh i love his name. :] i like how you use his character to get background on emma. and his line about him being gay after one more drink was funny.

i think you should help set the scene better during the first parts. i was confused on where all the three characters were. but overall, i do hope you continue with this.

i hope i helped a bit.
-plennster

“Yeah she is,” Michael answered watching the girl below dance, her beauty far surpassing her grace, which was magnificent in itself. Maybe he was over-exaggerating her beauty, but it was hard not to notice the glow of her flesh or the way her hips swayed perfectly under the folds of her skirt as she moved barefoot across the floor. It was hard yet not to notice the perfect symmetry of her chest, two glorious orbs of flesh draped in ivory satin. “Who is she?”

This is a wonderful purple prose example.

Michael was seventeen and had, only two months ago, grown out of watching cartoons and playing video games and grown into watching girls and playing with the idea of falling in love with well-endowed, Europeans.

Show, don't tell.

(This would fall under tell, by the way.)

So! Here's the main thing. You want to introduce Emma Jane more than you want to introduce Michael. Problem! You might be thinking, "Oh my gosh, I don't know how to write boys!" Let me give you a hint: pretend they aren't boys. Pretend they are girls. Would you say, "Daisy was fifteen and had, only two months ago, grown out of watching playing with barbies and grown into watching boys and playing with the idea of falling in love with muscular Europeans."

...I'm guessing you wouldn't.

Why? Because you know it's not that simple. It's not like suddenly you grow out of things and see the world in a completely different way, traumatic events notwithstanding. There is usually some order to it. So develop Michael like you would any character. When he notices her, let's not see some purple prose about how graceful and beautiful she is. Let him describe it. And don't let him lie--force him to be honest. If he likes the way her boobs jiggle, then say it! In fact, that could be an interesting first line, if you would like to introduce his description of her: "He liked the way her boobs jiggled." Silly? Maybe. But it is more catchy than how it is.

Of course, if that isn't Michael, then don't do that. But Michael, even though he is the main character, is not really treated as a main character. So change it... give him some voice.

This story comes to mind: A&P by John Updike

But again, stay in character. What would Michael see? When you look at a boy and lust after him, what do you notice and why is it that you notice these things? There are reasons why your mind works like this. And reason implies some sort of reasonable, logical way of thinking. Make it that way with Michael.

Also, what is Benedetti's relationship with Michael? The way you introduce him at first, I would have thought they were strangers. Plus, more interesting to me than Emma is Benedetti. Who is he and why does he care about Michael? It's intriguing! Put your focus on things that matter.

So basically, treat them like they're real, dynamic people. Don't freak out about their being boys... just because he's a boy doesn't mean he's made out of cardboard.

And have fun with this. He's lusting over a girl. This can be an interesting scene. Make it so!

Hola! Here to review Nice to see you again, Lily!

First off, if you ever need help writing from a male POV, you are always welcome to PM/email me if you need help on it. I only ever write in a boys' perspective. Girls can be too whiny for me.

Why observe it from the shadows on the ground where every eye would be on him when he could hide away on the roof.

This is a questions; it needs a question mark at the end.

A group of far-inferior girls gathered around her in an instant, carrying a chorus of compliments and laugher up to the rooftop.

Laugher! XD I think you mean “laughter”.

Anyway, overall, I liked it, though I do agree with Snoink about the purple prose. Especially this paragraph;

Why? Because you know it's not that simple. It's not like suddenly you grow out of things and see the world in a completely different way, traumatic events notwithstanding. There is usually some order to it. So develop Michael like you would any character. When he notices her, let's not see some purple prose about how graceful and beautiful she is. Let him describe it. And don't let him lie--force him to be honest. If he likes the way her boobs jiggle, then say it! In fact, that could be an interesting first line, if you would like to introduce his description of her: "He liked the way her boobs jiggled." Silly? Maybe. But it is more catchy than how it is.

I noticed that too, when you spoke about him going from cartoons to girls in a span of... two months? Yeah. Two months. XD



~Peanut

Hey there Lily! Sorry this took so long (smacks himself).

Anyways. Quick nitpicks first.

It was hard yet not to notice the perfect symmetry of her chest, two glorious orbs of flesh draped in ivory satin. “Who is she?”

The description before this was good, but here, it's rather awkward to me. Can't you directly say "boobs" here?

Michael was seventeen and had, only two months ago, grown out of watching cartoons and playing video games and grown into watching girls and playing with the idea of falling in love with well-endowed, Europeans.

This is rather odd. How can Michael be interested in girls just like that? I tend to think of it being more of a gradual thing (that is, something that slowly builds up over the years).

So first thing that I thought of the piece was that this doesn't really seem like a party. You have some inferences that a party is happening (with the dance floor thing), but there isn't that feel to it. What about the alcohol? The sexually suggestive R and B music? The promiscuity? The flirting? The gossip? Basically, it's all about having crazy fun, but I see very little of that. Oh and by the way, Benedetti also seemed a bit too mature for a guy his age to be partying. He comes off as being kind of stiff and serious instead of being more of a laid back and rough guy.

Now for the actual hook of this: The sexy lady. To be honest with you, I don't really understand as to why the main character lusts this chick. I think you need to show more as to why the main character thinks she is so special. Is she like a total badass? Does she choose not to adhere to trends and peer pressure? Is she rather cunning?

For me, personally, I would get a major crush on any chick that's a gamer, kind of tomboyish and doesn't adhere to trends. That is what I view to be a chick that I would fall for. But this is your story and you know your characters more than me, so you need to figure out what the main character's tastes are.

Oh and one more thing. Crushes happen when a guy sees something that they want, but they can't so they start to fantasize about that person. This aspect needs to be made more important. Desire and dreams are powerful agents.

Alright, hopefully this has helped. Good luck with this.

Andy.

My my, three very odd characters! haha

So I'm trying to steer away from the nit-picks, but I have one teeny tiny quote - sorry!

Michael was seventeen and had, only two months ago, grown out of watching cartoons and playing video games and grown into watching girls and playing with the idea of falling in love with well-endowed, Europeans.

Goodness this is a long sentence. It's one of those long sentences that you have to read through twice to get it. I would suggest breaking it up, maybe making it less confusing. Plus, your repetition of the word 'grown' was not something I enjoyed.

"Michael was seventeen and had grown out of watching cartoons and playing video games
only two months ago. He began to enjoy watching girls and playing with the idea of
falling in love with well-endowed Europeans."

I made a few changes in here, and just really want to talk about this excerpt, because it's the only thing I really don't like about this piece.

So I think you saying his age like this is a bit too... obvious. Try to play around with his age a bit. Instead of telling us, show us. I mean, the way he talks about the girl makes me think he's a bit younger than that strange maybe-gay man. You don't need to say everything in the first chapter.

Also, the whole watching cartoons and playing video games thing just doesn't fit well into this, at least for me. This is written in such a classy manner (had to use my name, haha) that mentioning things like that sound out of sorts. I would just say something like he had finally grown out of his awkward teen years or something like that, instead of naming specific things.

So I think you need to explain, 'falling in love with well-endowed Europeans,' more. I don't know if you're European, but I'm American, and I have no idea what this is supposed to mean. Obviously it gives us a bit of a setting, but why is this necessary? I just think you are trying to cram so much information into this one paragraph, and this first chapter, if that is what this is.

All around, I loved this! It was quite refreshing. Your characters are amusing, and their dialogue brought them to life. You write very well.

Keep writing,

Classy

I really enjoyed this!! I can't really say a lot, cos otherwise I'd just be repeating what everyone else has been saying. One thing I am a tad confused about is the time period in which the story is set in. Your characters sound as if they are from the old world, possibly anywhere up to the 1920s when it was the done thing to go travelling abroad. But then you mention cartoons, and the piece loses its authenticity. The writing is superb, don't get me wrong. It's brilliant. I feel lke I'm transported into a different world. But is that what you are going for? If it is a modern piece, try using a bit more modern lingo so we get that feeling.