Young Writers Society

I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this. Just tell me if it seems too boring. I know I use "said" a lot, it would be nice if you helped me find other words for it. And prepare yourself for a lot of slang, haha Thanks.

Rated 16+ for mild language
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Mrs. Benson, the head guidance counselor at Enumclaw High School, was aware of the issues surrounding the students at the school. She was aware that all of them hated school. She was aware that most of them came to school under the influence. Most of all, she was aware that none of them had any good things in their future.
She attempted to convince the principal, Mr. Taylor, of this. "Mister Taylor, sir, I feel that these kids just aren't too... Driven. If you know what I mean. I think we oughta do somethin' to make em actually wanna come to school."
Mr. Taylor was a bigoted, ignorant sort of man who did not take other's advice and merely relied on his own intuitions. "And how do you propose that we go about that, Carol?"
"Oh, I dunno. I was hopin' you'd be willin' to help me with all that. I just... I dunno... I really wanna help these kids."
"So you have absolutely no idea of what you would do to accomplish this?"
Mrs. Benson scratched the back of her neck and glanced nervously about the room. "We could offer funner classes. Like, a carpentry class or somethin'. All the other high schools 'round here have that kinda stuff."
"So you are saying," Mr. Taylor leaned back in his chair, "that we should take funding away from important classes such as say, Biology labs, and fund an utterly pointless class such as carpentry?"
"Well, I mean, I'm sure it would get some o' them more excited 'bout school... But when you put it that way..."
"No. I'm afraid that would not be possible. Come up with another solution. Now. You're wasting my precious time, Mrs. Benson."
She bit her fingernail, strumming through possible solutions as quickly as her dense brain allowed. "We could..."
"Yes?"
"I dunno, Mr. Taylor. Can you think of somethin'?"
Mr. Taylor sighed, leaning further back in his chair. "Since you're a counselor, why don't you counsel them? Talk to them on a one to one basis. Get to know them. Show them that the school cares about them."
"But... There are over a thousand kids at this school... That just wouldn't be..."
He leaned forwards, staring inertly at the slight woman. "If your job is really that difficult, then I suggest you resign."
Mrs. Benson was silent.
"All right then." Mr. Taylor clapped his hands. "Private counseling it is. What a wonderful idea."
She nodded, stood up from her seat, and left the principals office in a fury, too frightened to inform the principal of the severe stupidity of his idea. In her own office, she sat in her chair, chewing on the lid of a pen. She would have to meet with only the most renowned, the most notorious, the worst students at the school. They needed the most help, and they were all she would have time for. She would just have to focus her efforts on them until Mr. Taylor realized the incredibly asininity of his "solution."



That was why, one week later, Dan La Pierre was called down to the counseling center in the middle of her second period class.
"Good morning, Danielle," said Mrs. Benson as soon as the girl entered her office.
"Somethin' wrong, Ma'am?" she asked, sitting down in the chair across from Mrs. Benson's desk.
"I doubt you've heard, but we're startin' this new program here at Enumclaw High. We're meetin' with the students on a one to one basis in an attempt to straighten 'em out."
"You sayin' I ain't straight?" Dan smiled. When she smiled, she only used half of her mouth, as though the other side was paralyzed.
"No, no, no, I mean, I'm trying to conform you to fit in with average society, if you know what I mean."
"Nah. I really don't. I'm pretty sure that I don't got no problems here at school, with fittin' in and all. Everybody likes me. I know everybody. Don't got any haters neither."
Mrs. Benson smiled halfheartedly. "Well I'm very happy to hear that. But I mean society outside of high school. Out there its a cruel world, and we want you to be successful in that cruel world."
Dan laughed. "You don't give a shit if I even graduate."
"Yes I do!"
"Nah. You don't give a rat's ass. In fact, you'd prolly be happier if I wasn't even alive to cause you trouble."
"Now don't say that. And, Danielle, you're wrong again. I really do want the best for you."
"Nah you don't know me at all. And quit callin' me Danielle. Everybody 'round here jus' calls me "Dan" or "Danny" if you know me good 'nuff."
"Anyway, Dan, I know that your big brother graduated from here. And he went on to Central. Why don't you do somethin' like that?"
Dan leaned in close to Mrs. Benson, staring at her in a way similar to Mr. Taylor. "Have you taken one good look at me?" she asked. "Do you think they let trash like me into some university? They don't want me nowhere. Nobody wants me nowhere."
"I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm just tryin' to do my job and help you out here. Is there any way I could maybe change your opinion on this."
"Prolly not," said Dan as she stood up and began for the door. She set her hand on the doorknob and turned her head around to face the counselor. "It might help if you start offerin' some kinda carpenter class though." Then she left.
Mrs. Benson collapsed on her desk, overwhelmed by a feeling of intense hopelessness.



Dan's best friend, Perch McDaniels, was sitting on a chair outside of the counseling center. "They call you in, too?" she asked him.
"Yeah, I dunno why. I mean, I ain't doin' nothen wrong. I'm even passin' alla my classes. Dunno what they'd have to say to me."
"Come on." She motioned towards the front doors of the school. "Let's just leave. I'm 'bout done with school for the day. And it was just some dumb shit were the counselor tells you 'bout how much you suck at life."
"Could've guessed that one," said Perch as he followed Dan down the hall towards the front doors.
"You gotta cig?" Asked Dan once they were outside.
"Yeah, but I can't keep givin' you this shit. I don't got any dough either. I can't keep givin' you my cigs." He pulled out a cigarette and handed it to Dan. "Can't afford to mucha this."
"Shut up," she said as she lit it.
They walked down the street towards Perch's house, which was conveniently only a couple blocks away from the school. "It's funny," he said as they walked, "It's like they don't care if we skip school anymore. I mean, they use to send letters home to my folks at least once a week. But I guess they realized that my daddy don't give a shit. He don't even check the mail."
Dan laughed out of the side of her mouth. "Yeah, I hear you there. They still send 'em to me, though. Guess they figure my brother'll read 'em and make me stay in school or somethin'. But nah, he ain't home. And Gams can't even read anymore, her eyes gettin' so bad. So I just rip 'em up. Screw school."
"Amen."



Perch's house was rotting off of its foundation. There were six rusty cars resting on the front lawn, and another two that looked as though they might run were parked in the driveway. "Aye, is Kyle home?" called Perch as they walked in.
"Yeah, he's out back I think. Workin' on his truck, prolly," said Perch's father, who was sitting on a threadbare recliner, drinking a Keystone and watching Wheel of Fortune.
"Thanks Pa."
They walked through the house and into the back yard. Perch's older brother, nineteen year old Kyle, was on his hands and knees, trying to jack up his truck.
"Aye man, what'cha up to?" Perch knelt down next to his brother.
"Eh, somethin's wrong with this piece of shit. Again." He spat a huge brown glob of spit onto the lawn. "Hey there, Danny," he added, glancing up at Dan. "Shouldn't you kids be in school?"
"Screw school," said Dan, throwing her cigarette butt onto the ground.
"Aye, that ain't the right attitude. You don't wanna end up like me."
Dan laughed. "What, getting baked off you ass every other day? Hell yeah, that's where I wanna be at in a couple years. Don' wanna be stuck off at some stupid college studyin' stupid shit."
"Like you'd ever get into college," said Perch.
"Psh," said Dan. "That counselor think I should be tryin' to go down that road. She wants me to end up like David. But I don't wanna be like that homo."
Kyle laughed. "Get me some jack stands, Perch."
Perch sauntered across the lawn, looking for a pair of jack stands. Dan sat on the grass next to Kyle.
"So what's wrong with the 'Yota?" She motioned at the truck.
"No clue. This thing's sucha piece of shit. If you ever end up getting your license, I'll sure as hell give it to you fo' free."
Dan smiled. "You'd do that for me? Really?"
"Of course, for a nice girl like you." He tucked a stray hair behind her ear.
Perch threw the jack stands on the ground next to Kyle. "Here, come on, Danny, let the autosexual work on his truck. Let's watch some TV."

I liked this. I thought it would be something completely different (I don't even want to say it, that's how far off I was). I hope your continuing with this, it was really well done. I liked that the way the narration was told change between perspectives which I liked. I didn't understand the end though, it was kind of random. I know your continuing it, but why did you leave off there? I love the carpenter thing Danielle said. Really funny.

I don't think you used said even once! It's not boring at all, I'm genuinly interested in finding out what's going to happeb with Dan. What I get from her is that she lives with her grandma and her brother, whose off to college. Tell me more though, why is she so different from David? Is she just dumb?

Overall, a nice first chapter or prolouge or begining. I'd like to see more of this so if you could PM me with the next part when you post, I'll be your best friend!

~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing and Insanity


P.S I think you should make it a bit more clear when your changing POVs. I got a little confused, just put a * or a ~ or something

Hay Lena, Aushy here. :}

Nitpicks

"Nah, you don't know me at all. And quit callin' me Danielle. Everybody 'round here jus' calls me 'Dan' or 'Danny' if you know me good 'nuff."

See the bolded red? Those are your grammar mistakes. :}

She would have to meet with only the most renowned, the most notorious, the worst students at the school

To be correct, it would only be, "She would have to meet with only the most renowed, notorious, and worst students at the school." But it's your story, so keep it the way you like.

Overall
Your overall story was a little shaky. Though you have a visible plot outlined, and you have the power to draw a curious reader in, you're lacking a lot of description. In the part where Dan and Mrs. Benson are arguing, you give us simply the dialouge, but not Mrs. Benson's reactions. Remember: you must show the reader what is happening. You're the author, and you know how Mrs. Benson's face looked when Dan said that she didn't care about her, but I didn't. Make sure you describe to me more reactions, and the psychical appearance of the characters would help too.
Other than that, it's a very good story. As I said, you've made the reader genuinely interested. Just don't forget to put some description in as the hook!

On a Side Note
I found it quite interesting that the teachers used slang as well. Wouldn't they, as professors and what-not, be grammatically correct? It just interested me.

Remember to PM me or come to my Tropical Hut if you ever need anything reviewed again. :}

Love & Blessings,
Aushy

1) In the next couple of scenes, you realize that she's different from David in that he's more driven than she is. He is also very feminine, whereas she is very masculine. She's not dumb, she's average, and so is he. He has just chosen to go somewhere with the intelligence that he is blessed with.

2) The teachers talk with slang because it is just the, er, dialect of the area I guess. Basically everyone talks with slang in this, except for people who are from the city.

Thanks for the reviews, they were very helpful in the editing process

Hero here to review!

Look, I really couldn't find anything up with your story. I like your dialogue narration, I'd continue with that. Looking forward to the next part. *Hero 'Likes' work."

Adding on, I'd describe the battered up Toyota, whether in dialogue or what.

Hey! Alright, Kanen caught most of the problems I had with this... and this was pretty well written anyway. Just make sure you use question marks where they're needed. You can catch those if you look this over. Also, instead of the word "said" or "asked", here's a site with tons of words you can use instead:
http://www.spwickstrom.com/said/
Overall, this is off to a good start. I also think this could be great with a twist in it somewhere in the future....
Keep writing!

--Dreamy

Wow. This was very bleak. Anyway, here's the reviewers!

I feel that these kids just aren't too... Driven.

Shouldn't that be 'I feel that these kids just aren't too... driven' if it's the same sentence?

Mr. Taylor was a bigoted, ignorant sort of man who did not take other's advice and merely relied on his own intuitions.

Sorry, but this is telling; show that he is all of the above, which you do so via dialogue. Or, actually, have it from Mrs. Benson's point of view at first; after all, third person need not be omnipotent.

Also, Dan is a bit... unsympathetic. Presumably, if her brother went into university, her parents are, at the least, lower-middle class, which means that she should get more luxuries than her best friend, Perch (BTW, a perch is a fish), which means she's a bit... fakey, pretending that she's so trash, etc. etc.
Also, why does Perch's dad not care? Develop a bit more, OK?

Yeah, so, I guess it was all right. I still wonder about 'Perch' as a name.

Hey! Sorry it took me so long to do this review, but here I am!

Okay, so let us talk about your opening paragraph. It was uninteresting, and made me want to turn away, which is so sad because the rest of your story has such a cool feel to it. When you open with a description, the story may seem boring. In stead of straight out telling us that she is a councilor, why don't you ease it in, maybe when she's talking to the principal? I hate to break it to you, but the second sentence sounds a bit like an essay sentence. Try to say what you need in a more creative way. This is not an essay, it's a story. You wouldn't describe your life like it was an essay, would you?

Moving on.

I really liked your dialogue. It felt so real, and you kept up the accents, the slang, everything perfectly. I don't know if you live in the southern states or something, but I felt like I was there, watching them talk.

The only thing I didn't like about your dialogue, is that the counselor sounds stupid. Why do you have her using words like 'funner?' That just annoyed me. Just because they talk with different grammar than some, doesn't mean they need to sound stupid. Especially a woman working for a school. She should not be stupid, and should know that 'funner' is not a word.

Another thing: what is the setting? Time, place, season? There are no hints of anything. In fact, I don't remember reading one description on the setting in this. It is necessary, and again, you can find a creative and flow-ey way to introduce your setting.

Bravo on your story! I felt like a real professional was writing it! Your dialogue had me hooked.

Classy