Young Writers Society

-OVER-

Valentine

Hello Pink Angel. I will complete this review for you. Let me know if you have any question. I hope this helps.

That silly nickname falling off his perfect lips;
sultry whispers that only I can hear.
Crystalline eyes pierce my soul;
little twinkles shining just for me.

What a cute couple we would make,(put in quotes) they say, how in love we seem.
Our goofy (maybe a different word)giggles sound to them like love-sick laughter.

But we know the truth.
We won’t ever hold hands in the hallway,
never revel in chaste caresses.

Because he can’t hear my heart pounding
when he’s so close I can feel his warmth.(confusing wording)
And he doesn’t remember how speechless we get
when we look into each other’s eyes.(if he's only a friend, why does he get speechless?)

Besides, he only sees me as a friend.
Doesn’t he? (Good ending)

I like this poem. You must really like him if you wrote this poem. Maybe you should give it to him. The beginning was better than the end. It was enchanting and elegant, and then it became sloppier, and the words were...different. Hope that helps.

Valentine

These two lines bug me a little, because of their length:

pinkangel54123 wrote:What a cute couple we would make, they say, how in love we seem.
Our innocent giggles sound to them like love-sick laughter.

The length of these two lines sort of disrpups things in my opion. I would suggest breaking them up into something like this:

"A cute couple we would make," they say.
How in love we seem.
To them our innocent giggles sound
Like love-sick laughter.

If that doesn't work for you, consider summarizing those two lines into something shorter, but still meaningful.

Also, this is quite confusing:

pinkangel54123 wrote:when he’s so close I can feel his warmth.

I would say rewrite it something like this:

"When he's so close and I can feel his warmth."

It shounds a little better with the previous line.

I really like the ending, though. Other than the two things I mention, I applaud you!

hello you,
i enjoy this. i feel your pain i went through a similar situation.. this is very inspirational and i really enjoy this and hope to read more of your writing.
keep up the writing

pinkangel54123 wrote:This poem is quite personal, and I wrote it when my emotions were running high. Tell me what you think.
Well, this may be your problem. Writing meant for publication and writing meant for a catharsis should be kept separate. When you're writing about "your emotions" you're not clearly focusing on what's good and what isn't, you keep telling yourself that the reader will care about your problems. When I read poetry, the last thing I want to hear is about the author's evil boyfriend/heartbreak unless it's done in a talented/unique manner. Take for instance Sylvia Plath's poem Edge, which talks about her sorrow over being barren. The whole thing is an extended metaphor linking flora and fauna to greek tragedies. This is just, obvious.

___________________________________________________
That silly nickname falling off his perfect lips;
sultry whispers that only I can hear.
Crystalline eyes pierce my soul;
little twinkles shining just for me.

So, you do here what most beginner poets do. Start off with one idea, and then jump to the next without fully realizing your first concept. Silly nickname, like what? What does it feel like? Sound like? Is it heavy as an anchor, rusty as a fishing hook, colorful as a sea-bass? You're telling me, not showing me.
Crystalline, especially, is a weak attempt at visual imagery. Just so you know, hun, no one has "crystalline" eyes. The word in of itself refers to a tightly interlocking matter which grows symmetrically according to outside catalysts. So, it's not a word that means "shiny."

What a cute couple we would make, they say, how in love we seem.
Our innocent giggles sound to them like love-sick laughter.
Not a big fan of this. Again, you're relying on telling me.

But we know the truth.
We won’t ever hold hands in the hallway,
never revel in chaste caresses.

Ugh, and here you wrench a stake into the heart of this ad-hoc vampire mess. You've limited this poem and it's audience through the pronoun "we." Unless you're talking to the audience as a singular unit tied to you by some form of mutual ties, do not ever use this word. God, it's like telling someone that you have a secret, inviting them to partake in it, and then slamming the door in their face. Only, more boring and dull.

Because he can’t hear my heart pounding
when he’s so close I can feel his warmth.
And he doesn’t remember how speechless we get
when we look into each other’s eyes.

Again, telling not showing.

Besides, he only sees me as a friend.
Doesn’t he?
Ick. Rhetorical wonderings should be banned from poetry.

____________________________________________
~Danie

So, there you have my thoughts. I'm not trying to be harsh, but I don't quite think poetry is your thing. This read heavily prosaic, and I think you should either take a crash-course on what separates poetics from prose, or, stick to writing prose.

Hey Angel! So first off, I agree with Knife about pieces written purely to process emotions. You have fallen into the biggest poetry pits, subject wise.
"Can't he see that I am [still] in love with him?"

I'm sorry, but I have read so many poems like that, it just makes me go Eww. It's not original, and it's boring to read. With poetry you want to use metaphors, don't always tell us straight out, that's no fun and makes for a bland poem. Continue writing poetry, just be careful not to fall into the pit of overused subject matter... be original!

~Hope

I quite like this,
I don't think that it matters that much
that its a common topic,
Its personal to you, and that makes it yours,
so well done.



I really like the part
''Because he can’t hear my heart pounding
when he’s so close I can feel his warmth.
And he doesn’t remember how speechless we get
when we look into each other’s eyes''

It makes the reader feel frustrated,
and it certainly made me what to shout,
''Why doesn't he get it''!

I really liked this...

Keep writing!

My suggestion is with your fluency. I think you could draw more affect if this was better punctuated. All I feel I'm reading is chopped up prose because there's no commas, no semi-colons and no draw in of pace. I'd personally suggest revising and editing this first, before thinking about making the content less cliche.

I have to say that I did like a few of your stanzas, you have a talent for painting imagery, so don't give poetry up. Just give it some hard graft and commited practice.

Hope this helps,
Ben

The silly nickname part threw me off. The next line felt like skipping a whole chapter in a book and not knowing what's going on.

"My friendly nickname falling off his perfect lips;
sultry feelings that only I will understand.
Crystalline eyes pierce my soul;
little twinkles shining just for me."

Just a thought. It's your poem.

Yeah, I agree with Valentine. If you are just friends with him, why would he get speechless? That part really threw me off as well. For this stanza, maybe you can say:

"Because he can’t hear my heart pounding
the burning flame he will never feel.
And he doesn’t notice how speechless I get
every time his eyes connect to mines."

Just a thought. It's your poem. It captivates the reader's feeling just a little bit.
I really didn't like the ending. I know what you are trying to go for, leaving the reader a rhetorical question so that he/she can feel the sympathy. However, it was sort of abrupt and choppy.


Good Luck!

I like it a lot. Maybe break it up a bit more but wonderful anyway! I hope you continue to write, because this was a fantastic poem.

This poem is touching and I absolutely loved it. I know how you feel I think everybody's felt like that once in there life even if they don't care to admit it. pm if you make anything new because I would really love to hear it