Ugly melodies/Silent songs

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Thu Jan 21, 2010 7:37 pm

AquaMarine says... · Thu Jan 21, 2010 7:37 pm

I've been meaning to get back into writing poetry. I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or a bad thing yet. This obviously needs some work, which is why I'm posting it here! (I'm not sure about the ending, some aspects of the rhyme scheme and a few other things).

Go ahead, rip it to shreds. I'll be happy to slink back to Other Fiction.

----

Silence envelopes the music,
reminiscent of fading years;
because melodies can't make a tune,
if you aren’t around to hear.

The music doesn’t sound so sweet
when nobody is playing;
I can’t sing the words right,
I don't know what they're conveying.

I can’t string together words,
if the lyrics are going to be left
as abandoned words scattered in the air,
hanging by a thread, bereft.

Melodies aren’t beautiful,
if they're played on broken strings;
so why does my heart still skip a beat,
whenever I hear you sing?

~Amy

Last edited by AquaMarine on Thu Jan 21, 2010 10:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Juniper

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Thu Jan 21, 2010 9:58 pm

Juniper says... · Thu Jan 21, 2010 9:58 pm

Ammieyaz,

It's fabulous to read some of your poetry again! You've improved.

Did all of the critiques make you want to write more?

Silence dominates the song,
reminiscent of fading years;
because melodies don’t make a tune,
if you aren’t around to hear.

Hm, I like what you're saying here, and I understand it, but something in the execution of this is coming off in my head as not so spectacular, dear. I think, hm, is it "dominates"? I'm can't place my finger on it, but something about the first two lines is too sharp for the last two lines, dear, so it's a little hard to catch the drift of.

The music doesn’t sound so sweet
when nobody is playing,
and I can’t sing the words right
if there’s no point in saying.

I'd close the second line with a semicolon and kill "and" of the third line. Also, this is where I first noticed the rhyme -- good job on subtlety in the first stanza-- and I think the last line is pushing it; sounds a little forced to me, dearie, so I'd reconstruct it so that it's a line that actually matters alone, you know? And not reinforces what a previous line is implying.

I can’t string together words,
if the lyrics are going to be left;
abandoned words scatter in the air,
a song alone, bereft.

Don't worry so much about rhyme when you write, focus on message! Also, I think instead of using a semicolon to end that line, I'd drop it and put "as" before abandoned and change scatter to scattered.

The last line seems like it was placed for the sake of rhyme, and you should work on making it more uniform to the poem, so that we don't get that gist.

Melodies aren’t beautiful,
if we play them on broken strings;
so why does my heart still skip a beat,
whenever I hear you sing?

Cute.

Also, I think "if we" sounds a little... I don't know the right word, but, you know, it's hard to explain, haha, I think it shouldn't be a direct personal or inclusive message, so I think this would sound better if it were "if played on broken strings"? Just my opinion.

Good job here, Ames. Write more poetry! I demandz it.

Keep rocking,
June

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BenFranks

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Sat Jan 23, 2010 8:54 pm

BenFranks says... · Sat Jan 23, 2010 8:54 pm

Yello Amy!

Here as requested

Any'oo, I'm not too good at poetry myself, but I'll give you an idea of what I think! XD

AquaMarine wrote:
Silence envelopes the music,
I like this start and your choice of language.
reminiscent of fading years;
Thought provoking and well-punctuated!
because melodies can't make a tune,
I think you should remove the comma at the end of this line, but that's just me.
if you aren’t around to hear.
I love this start. It connects with me as I read it and it's thought provoking. I enjoy your choices of language, so in my opinion it's pluses all around for the start!

The music doesn’t sound so sweet
I like this, but I'd replace 'so' with 'as'? I don't know why I'm just reading aloud and feel it needs that instead of 'so' but its upto you as it doesn't really make the world of difference
when nobody is playing;
This is a nice line, its comfortable to read and I don't feel I have to be choppy or slurred when reading aloud, so excellent!
I can’t sing the words right,
Hehe, I know this feeling
I don't know what they're conveying.
I love the rhyming of the last two lines with the nice and comfortable read of the first two. I think this is my favourite stanza and I enjoyed it very much!

I can’t string together words,
The reason why I think this line works so well for me is because I don't just relate this to lyrics and I think this is where your poems begins to adress more emotional meaning and drive. If you don't know what I'm on about, basically I mean 'string together words,' could be associated with love or life situations, etc.
if the lyrics are going to be left
Again, this feel is continued. Very enjoyable.
as abandoned words scattered in the air,
I'd make the word 'scattered' into 'scatter'. It sounds sweeter when reading aloud.
hanging by a thread, bereft.
Love the language here but I'm not sure if you were just trying to make it rhyme? It feels a little choppy here and I'd revise this last line. However, excellent stanza! and brilliant effect that has drawn me to conjure up a few meanings from your language and structure.

Melodies aren’t beautiful,
Again I wouldn't have the comma on the end of this line.
if they're played on broken strings;
This is relaxed and the rhythm feels just right making the read flow and the emotive feel of image you're portraying ponder for longer.
so why does my heart still skip a beat,
I love the involvement of the narrator's heart here! Fabulous!
whenever I hear you sing?
I LOVE question endings to poetry, but only if they work. I think this works perfectly so I have no squabbles with it. I really enjoyed this stanza of poetry.

~Amy

So, so!
I know what I've said isn't really that helpful for improvement but like I said, I'm not fab with it, but I have to say I feel better now I've read your poetry and I think you've got a natural nack for it. You're rhythm and rhyme feel right when read aloud which is always a poetry plus-point for me and I think the images you've portrayed are beautifully effective. I've also managed to decipher my own personal interpretations to the meanings of your poem and any poet that manages that is truly fab!
Loved this! Write more!
Woo-hoo!
Ben.

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mollytate

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Sat Jan 23, 2010 9:57 pm

mollytate says... · Sat Jan 23, 2010 9:57 pm

I must tell you how much I adore that poem. You're such a beautiful writer and I think you should stick with poetry. I've posted some poetry but it isn't near as poignantly touching as yours was to me. Sorry, I don't have much to critique. The only thing I could possibly think of is playing around with the ending a little bit to make it flow better. Please don't change it because the ending was like my favorite part! I'm just saying that you may want to throw some different words around. But, then again, I think it would be perfect if you left it as it is :smt001

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captain.classy

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Sun Jan 24, 2010 6:47 am

captain.classy says... · Sun Jan 24, 2010 6:47 am

Goodness Aqua! I think you belong in poetry; this really moved me.

The music doesn’t sound so sweet
when nobody is playing;
I can’t sing the words right,
I don't know what they're conveying.

I know you are trying to rhyme the playing and the conveying, but this just sounds so off. I highly suggest adding an 'it' to the end of the underlined line. It would flow better. Maybe find something to put on the last line instead of conveying. Those two lines just threw me off and disrupted my enjoyment... haha.

Melodies aren’t beautiful,
if they're played on broken strings;
so why does my heart still skip a beat,
whenever I hear you sing?

The last line has too few syllables or something. I think the last line would sound better written something like: "Whenever your voice would sing," or something like that.

Don't change your poem, though, if my suggestions sound idiotic.

I really liked it, the theme was beautiful.

Classy

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ToritheMonster

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Mon Jan 25, 2010 2:22 am

ToritheMonster says... · Mon Jan 25, 2010 2:22 am

That was really pretty. I love your rhyming, you're really good with keeping the meter straight, and it's nice to not have to correct you on that. Actually, I think everyone else caught all the things I was going to nitpick! Awesome poem.

--Dreamy115

Honey, you should see me in a crown.

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BondGirl007

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Mon Jan 25, 2010 4:25 am

BondGirl007 says... · Mon Jan 25, 2010 4:25 am

Okay Amy, I'm doing it!

So all and all it's a pretty good poem, I like it. It wasn't all that bad for being a rhyming poem

. You work both with Other Fiction, and Poetry, which I am jealous of, I can't do poetry to save my life.

I'm in agreement with Classy about the last line, some thing's off.

Anyway, good job, sorry it was so short, my head is killing me, and I need to go sleep.

~Hope

"I'd rather be hated for being who I am, then loved for who I'm not."

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Mizzle

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Tue Jan 26, 2010 2:36 pm

Mizzle says... · Tue Jan 26, 2010 2:36 pm

Amy! Poetry...oh my. You've been out for awhile in that section, eh? Well...it doesn't show, Aqua-a-nator. Nope.
This is a really good poem in my opinion, I actually liked it alot, especially the last stanza or two. It's so nicely written, Amy. So, there are some places where the words just don't fit, like Classy and Hope pointed out.
Well, tata, Aqua! And keep writing--both poetry and fiction.
-Mizzzzle

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Because after all, those wings will take you up so high."
-- Owl City, "To the Sky"
✯ ✯ ✯

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Galerius

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Thu Jan 28, 2010 4:17 am

Galerius says... · Thu Jan 28, 2010 4:17 am

Hi AquaMarine,

AquaMarine wrote:Go ahead, rip it to shreds. I'll be happy to slink back to Other Fiction.

Yeah, mos def, girl. Degrade yourself before the poem starts! That's the way to go about it!

Silence envelopes the music,
reminiscent of fading years;
because melodies can't make a tune,
if you aren’t around to hear.

I'm going to try to not talk too much about the atrocious punctuation that stabs this poem in the chest over and over again, and instead focus on the way you describe,

or rather, the way you don't. Let's see. "Silence envelopes the music." Okay... what? You can't expect somebody to picture this. An abstract coiling its snakeskin upon another; we can smell the oil of them rubbing together but the scent isn't nearly enough to jog our eyeballs into action. You need a comparison. You need to not rely simply on a pseudo-half-emotional tune of trying to justify nothingness with really big hand motions and pretend detachment, like a teenage nihilist. Focus on the concrete before you delve further into the ocean. What wraps its tentacles around its prey? Hummingbirds beating their wings in unison, the ensuing breeze a pied piper for the ears? A tuba, elongated note divorced from its brass, meandering through the air in a single melody of a whistle?

The music doesn’t sound so sweet
when nobody is playing;
I can’t sing the words right,
I don't know what they're conveying.

I can’t string together words,
if the lyrics are going to be left
as abandoned words scattered in the air,
hanging by a thread, bereft.

See the comments above. Also, the inward telescope gets old the first time you make the mistake of talking about yourself, as you egregiously did when you thought that the readers actually cared about the fact that you can't sing right and don't know whatever. It's not our job to act as your personal counselor; don't blurt out so arrogantly what you can or cannot do. "Listen to me, it's all about me! This is a metaphor attempting to tie in the personal spiritual with the nature of this poem!" Doesn't work. As a rule of thumb, don't attempt to jam yourself into a work until you have the skill of writing material that can flow without such an inclusion in the first place.

The fact that you repeat the "I" in, like, three lines row by row makes this whole ordeal even worse.

Melodies aren’t beautiful,
if they're played on broken strings;
so why does my heart still skip a beat,
whenever I hear you sing?

I don't know, why? Oh wait! It was a quasi-rhetorical question, riiiiiiight? Like, we're supposed to be left wondering and realizing somewhere within the bowels of our subconsious that it will never really be answered and that we have to trumpet proudly the manifestation of Keatan negative capability, riiiiiight?

No. Look, these kind of questions are most always bad. Just bad. Realize that now before you continue on to other and better works of poetry. The rhetorical question is a tool long overused and past its prime, and including it in such a sappy way as you've done above doesn't do justice to the parts of the poem that deserve to be reconciliated within the fold of your reusable material. So, don't use this kind of luring at the end of poetry. Not yet, not until you have an idea of what to do.

Overall:

While some may display a screaming fit about what I'm going to say next - I advise you to drop this poem like a hot potato and move on to something else. This kind of writing belongs in personal journals, schoolgirl diaries; by no means am I saying that such writing isn't apt, but it certainly doesn't belong among the ranks of pieces that should be refined.

Start with the imagery. Write about something, describe it, compare and contrast it with other known quantities in your life so that you can triangulate its image (subjective as it may be for the general reader) and project that into your mind. Then use this concept to tie in with a story, for every poem needs a backbone on which to walk. Imagery alone won't cut it, but it will help forge a path out of the wilderness.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

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