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Limitless: Chapter One (rated 12+ for fantasy and violence)



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Mon Jan 18, 2010 4:31 pm
GoldenQuill says...



The way the sunlight filtered through the trees of the dense forest was curious to the boy. It seemed to suggest that it was such a perfect morning, nothing could be wrong. That life could only be perfect, at least for today.

Oh, yet it was anything but.

He felt it funny that, especially at the moment, he was drifting off again; looking around at trees, thinking that some sunlight sparkling on leaves meant something special. But it didn’t. Nothing did anymore. His feet felt much too clumsy and big for him, but he wasn’t sure if it was actually him running, or if she was pushing him forward. It was such a frivolous thing, though, that he didn’t worry himself over the thought of how he was moving, only that he was. He tried to keep in mind that he was escaping, getting further away, slowly dodging death’s claws which were ravenously open and ready for his flimsy body to be spewed on their razorous sharp points. At that thought, he felt the burning in his side again, and immediately tried to occupy his mind, in order to direct it away from the pain.

He hadn’t realized it, but she had begun sobbing again. He constantly had to remind himself, whenever he saw her in so much pain, that it was his fault. It would always be his fault, everything that happened to her from the moment he met her on. His fault that she was here right now, his fault that she had to leave everything and everyone she loved . . . all his fault. Though she’d deny it until the world stopped spinning, though every time she suspected he even considered that she screamed and raged, they both, deep down, knew it. It was all his fault.

He felt her tense and gave a heavy sigh which was quite painful for him to muster under the circumstances. “Don’t,” he muttered hoarsely. His voice sounded so weak, so frail. And he felt that way too. As if he could no longer help her. As if he could no longer help anyone anymore. She was pushing him to go faster. Why would she do such a thing? Couldn’t she see he was stumbling, couldn’t she conceive that he need to rest? Couldn’t she the red, couldn’t she hear the pain in every breath he took? Or was she just focusing on her own life, like she always did, was she just being so beautifully selfish?

He couldn’t help but smile at that thought, and no sooner had the smile appeared on his face was it wiped off again. Tripping over his own clumsy feet, he felt himself be thrown to the ground, his head hitting the cold, wet grass quite suddenly.

She was by his side in a second. “Darell,” whispered she, “get up.” Her voice. Oh, how it enchanted him! It was like summer whispering through winter, or a beam of sunlight silencing the rain. It was strong enough to bring the dead to life, majestic enough to command the mountains to move. It was harsh enough to terrify a man for endless ages, but sweet enough to make him fall in love with her.

But today, even if it was painful to do so, he could not fulfill her wishes. The longer he lay there, the more worried she became. “Darell,” she urged, “come, now. We’re not that far from the clinic. A few miles, maybe. We can make it.”

Darell felt like laughing at such a statement. A few miles! He envied the days he ran for miles. Just minutes ago, a few miles was nothing, a walk around the corner. But now, it seemed to be endlessly far away.

For the first time since they started running, he pulled his hand away from his side and looked at it. It was red, so red he could see nothing else, not even the sky above him or his arm. All he saw was red, red everywhere.

Immediately something pale and white flashed across his vision and dragged his arm back to his side. “Don’t look at it,” came her sharp voice, the voice she always used to injure people but only made him smile. Her touch was cold, so cold! Suddenly he was unsure of who was dying, but just for a moment, for her next words confirmed. “We’ll take the arrow out once we get to the clinic. We’re close, Darell! Up!”

He didn’t care. He wanted to tell her to take it out now, to make the hot, searing pain disappear. It was like his whole side was on fire, and it hurt so much he began to grow dizzy. The world spun fast around him, so that he no longer understood anything. Everything processed horrifyingly slow to his mind. His first thought was that he wanted it to stop. His mind questioned what he wanted to stop, and his heart responded he wanted everything to stop--time, the pain, the world.

She spoke, but it took him a while to recall what she said. Even then, it was hard to decipher, for every letter was held in a sob. “Darell, we must leave now. They draw closer.”

But his mind only questioned her words. Who are ‘they’? Where must we go, and why? That came quicker to him than expected, but he had help. It was a tinkling little voice inside his head, as clear as a bell. It had always explained everything, but nothing could explain what he had to do next.

He knew this moment would come eventually, but he had hoped not too soon. He had hoped to settle down, have a family; a boy, specifically, to pass down the gift to, as was tradition. He had hoped to teach everything he knew to this boy, had hoped that one day, when he knew his time was up, to give the boy the gift and remind him gently of his newly gained knowledge. He had hoped he could watch, from above, his child do the one thing he never could—save the world.

But there was no time for any of his dreams anymore. There probably never was. Now Darell was facing a serious decision of life or death; specifically, his.

He felt her speaking again, but he blocked her out. He couldn’t listen to her. He had to try to concentrate on the task ahead, however impossible that might be. He took a few deep breaths, but they only worsened his pain and made him cough terribly. The hack shook his body violently, and suddenly his mind took on the image of an ship being thrashed around in a rough sea. What a poet you are, he teased himself.

He grabbed at the ground, as if seeking help, seeking relief. Relief, but... from what? To ask for help in his dwindling minutes seemed selfish, as if trying to cheat the world at its own game. Besides, nothing could save him now.

Come to think... nothing had ever been there to save him. It was his job to save the world. Nobody ever saved the savior, did they?

He took another deep, shaking breath. He anticipated the pain this time, and bent his head to touch the dewy ground. So many unanswered questions raced through his mind. Perhaps they’d never be answered. Perhaps he’d never know the truth.

Her screams broke through his guard. It hurt his heart more deeply than any flesh wound could. He pushed himself up, opened his eyes carefully. The world blurred in front of him, but if it was from the pain or from tears he’d never know.

He held one hand up towards her. All he could see was red, and that didn’t help the terror that was mounting inside his heart, didn’t help the tears he now felt gliding down his cheeks. His entire body shook with the fear of what would happen after the words left his lips. He saw, even through his blurred eyes, her bending down to him, calling his name in her flawless voice. “How is my very voice flawless?” she would have shrieked at him had she known his thoughts. “Why would you ever say such a thing?” He would just laugh and hold her close. He’d feel her resist his touch for a few seconds before melting against him, giving in to his simple hug, and they’d walk on together, laughing and smiling, him agitating her with every word and then hugging her close to make her shouts cease. They’d find a place to rest underneath a bridge somewhere, and she’d refuse to sit with him, using the excuse that she couldn’t see the stars or she hated his giddy smile or that she was just plain mad at him. But within minutes, she’d be calling him over rudely, asking him why he was excluding himself, sitting far off from her, and for the thousandth time make him tell her she was needed on his mission. He’d sit with her and hug her, and they’d stare at the stars, her voice being soft and sweet, then suddenly roar up to a rude and violent temper. But he knew no matter how hard she screamed she wouldn’t run away from him. She would pull him closer.

What happened to those days? That was just yesterday. What happened to when they could be together, forever, no questions asked, no side notes about it? They were gone, brushed away like dirt out of a well dressed house. His life, his love, his powers . . . he was losing them all. He closed his eyes, terrified of what he was seeing. It was as if he was looking at a disguisting picture. He shut his mind off too, unable to hear her voice any longer. However hard it was for him, he must ignore her. He must focus on what he had to do.

The words of the spell came out of his mouth, but it took him a while to even realize he was speaking. He heard her scream again, and this time, he knew why. She understood. That quick-witted love of his knew what he was doing.

Pure light began to glow on his outstretched hand as he continued saying the spell. He felt his energy drain, and as he did, he actually heard the words coming out of her mouth. “Darell! Don’t you dare do this to me!” Her words were shaking with sobs, and he felt her smooth hand on his arm. “Darell!”

She began to sob uncontrollably then, and he wished he could comfort her, but he couldn’t. He had completed the spell, and that, in a way, meant his time was up.

The light he had been slowly nurturing with his words flew out of his hand and straight to his love, who was still sitting there, sobbing. He opened his eyes without realizing it, and wished he hadn’t. She looked paler than he had ever seen her, her hair strewn about, tears augmenting her face bitterly . . .

He looked down at himself. It was red, everywhere, all red. It was no longer just his side burning, but even his very soul. Dizziness was pounding at his head angrily, and suddenly he felt the ground against his head. Darkness edged at the corners of his eyes. “Anna?” he whispered, but he doubted she even heard him. He heard another voice, inside his head, almost as broken as Anna’s was. ‘I’ll protect her, dear my friend. I swear it.’

He was gone.
Last edited by GoldenQuill on Tue Jul 26, 2011 2:30 pm, edited 10 times in total.
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Mon Jan 18, 2010 4:39 pm
midnightread says...



I really like it GoldenQuill and I can't wait for more. I want to know how he got an arrow stuck in hs side and what the gift is. I'm not going to nit-pick as I don't see anything wrong with it, but I may be wrong since I'm not all that good at English. Can you pm me when you put more up? Like I said it's good and I think it has potential. :elephant:
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Mon Jan 18, 2010 4:55 pm
MorganJoJO says...



I really enjoyed this! I must compliment you on how quickly you draw the reader in. I would like to read more and find out why Darrell is supposed to be the one saving the world, what his gift is, and who they are. Wonderful job! Keep writing! :D
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Mon Jan 18, 2010 5:01 pm
Smileybritt36 says...



:thud: wow great story.
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Mon Jan 18, 2010 6:29 pm
Spitfire says...



Wow, you really caught my curiosity with your chapter! It's really good, although you basically don't know anything yet.

I'm pretty sure a lot of people could get hung up on the story just by this chapter, which is not always easy to do, so congrats!

Keep at it and PM me when the rest is out!
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Fri Feb 19, 2010 2:16 am
bludragon525 says...



Hey GoldenQuill!

This was fabulous. The short chapter you gave us was utterly captivating, and it was written with ease, something I rarely find anymore.

I couldn't find anything wrong with it. This was amazing, and I can't wait to find out what happens to Anna. :D

See you around.

~blu
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Fri Feb 19, 2010 3:46 pm
LookUpThere says...



Well done! This was really good. Just one question:
:arrow: Who is this story going to focus on?

Because if it's Anna, then what you did was fine. If it's Darell, I'm getting vibes you could have gone first-person. Mostly because of your writing style. You tried to get us to really feel Darell's pain, if you want that, if you want to say "The searing pain... hurt... blood... warm." and make us really feel it, first person works.

Alright, this review is kind of snappy. I won't nit-pick, I don't believe I have to anyway. I'll just say what you could do.

:arrow: Prioritize. Especially on YWS, paragraphs don't always come out as they did on your word processor. So when you had new paragraphs redressing the searing pain of an arrow in the side, they were scattered. I wouldn't do that. Take one paragraph to describe the pain, the warm, blood, the dizzyness... oh gosh (Hero pukes). Then if you want to add some suspense, say how sore it was when it hit, describe the scene without any other characters. Once again that would work first person. So - Go through the story picking up all your points, bunch them together and then prioritize - .

:arrow: Description. Your description was average overall. It was basic enough to understand. But if you wanted to get me comfy and ready, I'd start at the start. How old is Darell? Describe the Forest. Anna. Miles? Where exactly is this clinic? When is this? Where is this? At the end I put together a rough image of a nineteen year old in a forest with a girl taking him to the clinic, running, arrow in his side. Medieval Ages? I dunno. That's what I got. And if it's not what you wanted, then I'm either a bad reader or you didn't describe enough.

:arrow: Kikck-Off: One sentence. Very short. Very Brief. Brevity at its peak. That might stimulate someone a tad more, a tad more so that when they read through your stimulating story, they'll still be smiling from the beginning. And remember you for it. One of my stories had this pathetic beginning, no wonder i had to beg for reviews. Yours is great, let's work for greater.

:arrow: Once again, prioritize. I really think you should combine description and prioritizing. At first, I thought that Darell was going to apologize to a girl...

GoldenQuill wrote:or if it was his love pushing him forward. It was such a frivolous thing, though, that he didn’t pressure himself over the thought of how he was moving, only that he was. He hadn’t realized it, but she had begun sobbing again. He constantly had to remind himself, whenever he saw her in so much pain, that it was his fault. It would always be his fault, everything that happened to her from the moment he met her on. His fault that she was here right now, his fault that she had to leave everything and everyone she loved . . . all his fault.


And I didn't guess of the arrow in his side. Don't describe his feet, but the searing burn in his side... make us wonder what it is and then introduce the arrow as you did. (By the way, for interest, maybe it could be a poison arrow? Just suggesting)

So describe, bunch, prioritize. Is it more important to know where he is or who he is with? Stuff like that.

Finisher (Hero lifts review in the air amongst cheering crowds):
This story was very fun to read. I'm just wondering whether you could have placed in this, a preset for the story. Darell is a magician or something? Was he a child thrust with great prophecy (ala Percy Jackson). DOn't adress too much, but just enough so the reader knows what to expect and thus you know you can totally go against that :)

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Sun Feb 21, 2010 5:03 am
AspiringAuthorA..M. says...



Hello, I'm here as requested. :P

The way the sunlight filtered through the trees of the dense forest was curious to the boy. It seemed to suggest that it was such a perfect morning, nothing could be wrong. That life could only be perfect, at least for today.
That information is somewhat redundant considering you already established that point in your previous sentence.

Oh, but it was anything but.
That is one too many 'buts' :P
He felt it funny that, especially at the moment, he was drifting off again; looking around at trees, thinking that some sunlight sparkling on leaves meant something special. But it didn’t. Nothing did anymore.
That first bit of info confused me. What did our protagonist find funny?
His feet felt much too clumsy and big for him, but he wasn’t sure if it was actually him running, or if it was his love pushing him forward. It was such a frivolous thing, though, that he didn’t pressure himself over the thought of how he was moving, only that he was.
I'm debating on whether that comma belongs there. But since I'm debating don't consider it recommended to take it out. Do look into it though.
He hadn’t realized it, but she had begun sobbing again. He constantly had to remind himself, whenever he saw her in so much pain, that it was his fault. It would always be his fault, everything that happened to her from the moment he met her on. There's no need for that word to exist. The sentence sounds a lot better without it. His fault that she was here right now, his fault that she had to leave everything and everyone she loved . . . all his fault.


He felt her tense and gave a heavy sigh which was quite painful for him to muster. “Don’t,” he muttered hoarsely. His voice sounded so weak, so frail. I don't like the repetition of 'so' :? And he felt that way too. As if he could no longer help her. As if he could no longer help anyone anymore.
Another one of the repetition moments. Is it the style of this piece? :?

She urged him on gently, but he stumbled and fell. She sat quickly next to him, trying to pull him up. “Darell,” whispered she, “get up.”
There two tenses here, but I think in this case they may be able to work. Although it is advisable that you stick only to one.

Her voice. Oh, how it enchanted him! It was like summer whispering through winter, or a beam of sunlight silencing the rain. It was strong enough to bring the dead to life, majestic enough to command the mountains to move. But at the same time, it was so soft that at its full volume, it wouldn’t have woken a sleeping child.
Hm, it would seem that it contradicts everything that was said previously in the paragraph. But I'll let it slide. :)

His hand was still attached to his bleeding side. Anna hadn’t pulled the arrow out, for she was a nurse and knew that if she did he would surely bleed to death. Wow, that arrow dilemma came very suddenly without prior warning. Keeping the arrow in, though, only seemed to make the hot, searing pain even worse. Again, that comma bothers me. You might want to look that up. It was like his whole side was on fire, and it hurt so much he began to grow dizzy. The world spun fast around him, so that so quickly that he no longer understood anything. Everything processed horrifyingly slow to his mind.
But doing what I suggested in red only makes the sentence very long. You might want to find your own solution. :D

Anna spoke words, but it took him a while to recall what they were. Even then, it was hard to decipher, for every letter was held in a sob.

“Darell, we must leave now. They draw closer.”
The actions and dialogue of different characters should be separated. :P
He knew this moment would come eventually, but he had hoped not too soon. He had hoped to settle down, have a family. Have a boy to pass down the gift to, as was tradition. He had hoped to teach everything he knew to this boy, had hoped that one day, when he knew his time was up, give the boy the gift and remind him gently of his newly gained knowledge. He had hoped he could watch, from above, his child do the one thing he never could—save the world.
There's a lot of that in this paragraph.
Come to think, nothing had ever been there to save him. It was his job to save the world. Nobody ever saved the savior, did they?
Nice paragraph. :D

The light he had been slowly nurturing with his words flew out of his hand and straight into Anna’s heart. She got a blank look on her face, and then she screamed again. He understood her pain, though. He remembered himself getting the gift.
The comma before the 'though' is not needed.

Darkness edged at the corners of his eyes. “Anna,” he whispered, but he doubted she even heard him. He felt his head hit the dewy ground, and suddenly, it was completely dark.

He was gone.
Our protagonist is either dead, or unconscious and on the verge of death.

What I liked: The straight forward nature of the piece. The simplicity of the writing style. The magical abilities that the characters have.

What I did not like: The sudden inclusion of an arrow piercing a character. You might want to make it clearer throughout the early parts of the story that an arrow is about to be introduced. Your inclusion of a different characters dialogue in the same paragraph as another persons thoughts. That will only confuse the reader.

Other than those issues I very much enjoyed your piece. You wanted me to check out the second part as well. I shall get to it soon.


- :smt059
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Sat Feb 27, 2010 3:42 am
Wariofart says...



My comments are in BOLD I deleted anything I didn't edit to save space.

GoldenQuill wrote: His feet felt much too clumsy and big for him, but he wasn’t sure if it was actually him running, or if it was his love pushing him forward. <--This sentence seemed really cliche to meIt was such a frivolous thing, though, that he didn’t pressure himself over the thought of how he was moving, only that he was.
He felt her tense and gave a heavy sigh which was quite painful for him to muster. “Don’t,” he muttered hoarsely. His voice sounded so weak, so frail. And he felt that way too. As if he could no longer help her. As if he could no longer help anyone anymore. Really powerful description, great!
Her voice. Oh, how it enchanted him! It was like summer whispering through winter, or a beam of sunlight silencing the rain. It was strong enough to bring the dead to life, majestic enough to command the mountains to move. But at the same time, it was so soft that at its full volume, it wouldn’t have woken a sleeping child. Another great description paragraph, (even if a bit cliche)
His hand was still attached to his bleeding side. Anna hadn’t pulled the arrow out, for she was a nurse and knew that if she did he would surely bleed to death. If she's a nurse couldn't she bandage him?Keeping the arrow in, though, only seemed to make the hot, searing pain even worse. It was like his whole side was on fire, and it hurt so much he began to grow dizzy. The world spun fast around him, so that he no longer understood anything. Everything processed horrifyingly slow to his mind.
He knew this moment would come eventually, but he had hoped not too soon. He had hoped to settle down, have a family. Have a boy to pass down the gift to, as was tradition. He had hoped to teach everything he knew to this boy, had hoped that one day, when he knew his time was up, give the boy the gift and remind him gently of his newly gained knowledge. He had hoped he could watch, from above, his child do the one thing he never could—save the world. Good. I liked how you revealed a lot about his character without making it seem boring.
Come to think, nothing had ever been there to save him. It was his job to save the world. Nobody ever saved the savior, did they? Good point ;)
The light he had been slowly nurturing with his words flew out of his hand and straight into Anna’s heart. She got a blank look on her face, and then she screamed again. He understood her pain, though. He remembered himself getting the gift.
Darkness edged at the corners of his eyes. “Anna,” he whispered, but he doubted she even heard him. He felt his head hit the dewy ground, and suddenly, it was completely dark.
He was gone. Great ending!


I really liked this first chapter, it was suspenseful, and made just enough sense to be interesting, but not too confusing. I'm looking forward to see what "they", his "gift", and why he needed to save the world!
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Sun Feb 28, 2010 10:20 pm
Esmé says...



Hello, Gentelman's Quarterly! (it appears one pokes at people's names by default after being ask one too many times - "Twilight"?!).


quote:
Oh, but it was anything but.

Reeks of unintentional repetition and it's ugly. Ew.

quote:
He felt it funny that, especially at the moment, he was drifting off again;

Why's it funny? I don't know.

quote:
His feet felt much too clumsy and big for him, but he wasn’t sure if it was actually him running, or if it was his love pushing him forward.

What does one have to do with the other? The feet with him running or? The "but" suggests relationship. No pun intended.

quote:
It was such a frivolous thing, though, that he didn’t pressure himself over the thought of how he was moving, only that he was.

"pressure himself" - hmm.

quote:
It would always be his fault, everything that happened to her from the moment he met her on.

Awkward phrasing.

quote:
But at the same time, it was so soft that at its full volume,

Previous repetition cool. This one - not so. Throw it away with a stick.

quote:
His hand was still attached to his bleeding side
Hmm. Gives the impression of it being half torn off, at least, and it's not even been hinted at before. Much too strong.

quote:
Anna spoke words, but it took him a while to recall what they were.

Well. Words, yes, unless she meows occasionally...

quote:
The coughs shook his body, like a personal avalanche.

No comma. It puts a whole staircase into one small sentence that cannot possibly support it.

quote:
He anticipated the pain this time, and bent his head to touch the dewy ground.

The link of A to B? The pain (maybe show it) to him touching the ground?


The story has lots and lots, heap even of sobbing and shaking. Substitute those words with synonims. This leads us to descriptions, which could have been better. We know what the MC feels, becase we are told what he feels. Try showing it to us more - add more body language, oh, I don't know, make the surroundings' descriptions ebb menace. Every little detail counts.

It's a story about - death, in the end. Gives the idea of an emotional one, but it's not because of what I wrote in paragraph one. You have so many words at your disposal. Use them without shame. Make the reader weep with Anna. As it is, I'm not.

Emotion. Suspence.

Beautiful last words, though. A really fantastic ending - I loved that part. The idea itself is a good one and can lead to so many different and interting things.

And ha. Ratings attract readers, no?

Cheers,
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Mon Mar 08, 2010 5:07 am
UnderestimatedSmiles says...



I thought it was awesome, GoldenQuill. Very curious and interested in this story... keep up the good work! :elephant: :smt005 :smt005 :smt001 :smt002
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Tue Mar 23, 2010 7:36 pm
sugarcube888 says...



Hi Sere-... I mean, Goldenquill. I thought the story was absolutely........... HORRIBLE! Too many 'buts' and 'ands'. Did you know that the name Darell is unfavored by 61% of the American Population!?!? Plus, I hate trees. The description of the trees wanted to make me throw up! Plus, I hate how you type without looking at the keyboard occasionally!!!!

By the way, JUST KIDDING! :lol: Your story was great. I really enjoyed the incorporation ofmagic in your story. That element always makes the story fun. I hope to see more of that in future stories. Keep on keepin' on. :D
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Tue Mar 30, 2010 7:56 pm
xXTheBlackSheepXx says...



I thought it was very good! Quite suspenseful, I was glued to my computer screen! :D

If I could add a few comments…

Oh, yet it was anything but.  

This sentence really bothered me. I would leave it out, especially since you’ve already hinted at the irony of this character’s situation.


Her voice. Oh, how it enchanted him! It was like summer whispering through winter, or a beam of sunlight silencing the rain. It was strong enough to bring the dead to life, majestic enough to command the mountains to move. It was harsh enough to terrify a man for endless ages, but sweet enough to make him fall in love with her.  

I really loved this description for the first three sentences. After the silencing the rain part, it was a bit of an overkill. I would leave the rest of the paragraph out.

And you should definitely establish the arrow in his side much sooner; around the part when you talk about how its hard for him to walk.

And I would like to have more description of the characters. I pictured them a little older, maybe 30’s, but I’m not sure if that’s what you were going for. If you could fit in a few more details, I think it would really help this.

I really enjoyed reading this so far
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Sun Apr 18, 2010 5:50 pm
nova says...



:) Hiya Golden.

You know me, I'm not one for long reviews, so ill make it short and snappy. Like a midget crocodile... XD

This is absoloutly amazing and I can't wait to read more! but... this seems kinda out of place for a first chapter. Maybe it continues from this for the rest the book, I'm not sure... But if not, I believe this 'chapter' is more suited to a prologue.

Of course, im probably wrong and this is the start of the story, maybe continuing on to see Anna's story, but... im just noting, just in case :P

Well Done!~

Hope to see more :superman:

Nova~*
Alot of the time, im on here using my PS3 & my trusty usb keyboard.
Dont expect much fancy quoting blocks... I shall do what I can. ;)
  








Light griefs are loquacious, but the great are dumb.
— Seneca