“I don’t understand!” the gingerbread cookie wailed, its frosting-coated mouth trembling. “Santa said – ”
Barney let out a short bark of laughter and leaned back against the fence, arms crossed. “Santa,” the elf drawled, putting on his best I-don’t-give-a-care scowl, “has more important things to do than talk to oversized baked goods.”
The cookie drew itself up to its full five-foot height, managing to look indignant despite the rainbow colored sprinkles dotting its arms and legs. “He created me! You can’t stop me from seeing my creator!”
It tried to lunge past Barney, hands reaching for the gate latch. The elf swung up the two-foot candy cane he held in his hand, blocking its way.
“Leave,” he said, eyes narrowing. “Santa takes visitor every other Wednesday. You can see him then.” If he’s not in bed with another eggnog hangover, he added silently.
“But the baker – ”
“He said leave,” the other security elf, Todd, said, speaking for the first time. The bells stuck on the ends of his pointy shoes jingled as he took a menacing step forward, tossing his candy cane from hand to hand.
The cookie looked from Todd to Barney and threw up its hands in disgust. “Fine! I’m leaving. Stupid elves in their stupid costumes guarding the stupid gate,” it added in an undertone as it turned and tromped away through the snow, shoulder slumped. No doubt it would sneak around through the trees and try to climb the fence in another spot. But that wasn’t Barney’s problem. He was just the under appreciated, underpaid gatekeeper.
“I thought we handled that well, partner,” Todd said cheerfully. He had his snowflake mirror out again and was studying his carefully gelled blond hair. Barney had to admit that he looked good in his tinsel wrapped uniform and pointed hat. Barney just looked fat and short, like a garden gnome that had eaten too many tacos.
“I’m not your ‘partner’, and we didn’t handle anything,” he retorted, edging away from the blond elf. He propped his candy cane up against the chain-link fence that circled the Santa HQ and rubbed his numb fingers together. A hundred and eleven years in the North Pole and he still couldn’t remember to slap some gloves on his hands before his shift. It was pathetic, really.
Todd didn’t seem to notice the hostility in his voice. He carefully pocketed his mirror and turned to look at Barney. “Do you know anything about toenails?”
“Anything about what?”
“Toenails,” Todd repeated, as though this was the most natural thing in the world to talk about while on guard duty. He bent over and began to take off one of his shoes. “Does this green stuff look natural to you?”
“I am not looking at your toe fungus,” Barney said, hastily backing away. “I mean it! Put that away!”
“But it was moving last night, I swear! Come on, just one – ”
There was a bang, followed by a loud crash that echoed through the frigid air. Both elves froze, exchanging frightened looks.
“Did you hear that?” Todd asked, slowly lowering his foot.
“Of course I heard that!” Barney hissed. He snatched up his candy cane again, the familiar weight feeling reassuring in his hands. It was just starting to get dark, and the snow laden evergreen trees that lined the perimeter fence were shrouded in shadows. “Who’s there? Is that you again, cookie?”
Silence, except for the rapid beating of his heart.
“Dancer?” he called softly, eyes straining to catch the glint of a halter buckle between the trees. The dumb reindeer were always escaping their pen. Just last week a semi truck had turned Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer into Rudolph the Road Kill Pancake. And he still had scars from the “Prancer Incident.”
“Maybe we should go get someone,” Todd said. He was actually shaking, the pansy. “Do you have your radio? I left mine in the bathroom…”
“Of course,” Barney said, fumbling at his waist for it. His numbing fingers couldn’t get a grip on the clunky black plastic and he muttered a few words that would get him on the Naughty List for sure if Santa ever found out.
Todd was bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet, the bell on his hat jingling obnoxiously. “Hurry, hurry, hurry!”
“I’m trying!” Barney snarled. “Just shut up for a minute!”
A branch snapped from somewhere in the trees, and then something flew out of the woods and rolled to their feet.
“What the heck? ” Todd muttered, bending over to get a closer look at the pink oval. “It’s some kind of egg or – ”
“Move!” Barney shouted, pushing the other elf out of the way. They tumbled into the snow in a heap, just as the egg exploded. He rolled until his back hit the chain link fence, feeling scorching heat on his face for a few torturous seconds as a ball of fire blasted open the gate.
“We’re under attack!” Todd screamed, his voice two octaves too high. “I’m too young to die!”
Barney scrambled to his feet, resisting the urge to kick the other elf. There was the crack of another breaking branch from the woods and then a low chuckle that made the hair on the back of his neck prickle.
That’s definitely not a reindeer, he thought, feeling a bead of sweat trickle down his forehead.
To be continued...
Almost missed ya.