Young Writers Society

excited chatter by the four-poster
keeping the chamber alive while
valets fuss around brushing hems
and hiding hairpins into skulls --
ow, watch it, will you?
truly sorry, ma'am, keep still --
cameos border the necklines with
curves equally adorned (full or not)
and tiny curls falling carefully over
white foreheads
and shoetips are drowned by smell of anticipation
streaming through the air

at the threshold they have to focus
moods tighten, eyes sharpen
to carry themselves with been-there grace
and when they arrive, it has begun,
just another debut even for old hands --
unbelievable, have you heard?
dear me, yes, such negligence
poor girl, I would die of shame --
but the ball goes on
and if heels get too heavy, they'll be paid back

there's only so much a piece
of embroidery can do --
where have you bought that?
no, no, I found this
surely? cross my heart --
and the ball goes on,
without so much as a droplet of
earl grey spilled on a petticoat
and a lacy waist starts to speak and
everyone is listening and
not one crystal in the chandelier dares quiver
with bodice and corset ruling the room
a head turns, a glint of lorgnette
lights up the great hall for a second
and the ball goes on --
what nice weather, is your family well?
yes, indeed, my eldest just married
charming, charming --
and then a maid drops the tray and
the hostess shoos her, everyone looks
and the lacy waist blushes and
the ball is over until it goes on again

Hi Demeter! I'm Conrad, and I'm gonna be your reviewer today.

So, I really liked this poem. While I don't care much for the balls and fancy stuff in stories, I like it a lot more in poetry. Especially if, as you have done here, the poem is well written and uses language to great effect.

This poem really reminds me of Pride and Prejudice. I've watched the BBC one with Colin Firth more times than I can remember (My mom has it and watches it when she's bored, I've seen enough snippets to piece together the story). I think it's just the ball setting that makes me draw that comparison. But it is a good comparison, since I can instantly put together a mental picture of what is going on here.

So, I did like this poem a lot. Thank you very much for posting it! PM me if you have any questions or comments.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

What's this? A new poem? =P

Actually, I got the same impression as Conrad - it felt like an 17/1800s Pride and Prejudice-style ball, and all the dialogue made it seem so English. If that's what you were aiming for, it's very convincing. If not, well, no one needs to know.

I really loved this - and it's my favourite of yours, certainly. One small criticism, however, would be the ending. I liked the very last line a lot - it really summarised the poem for me - but something tells me it doesn't work with the three before. They're all great in their own right, but I almost feel that there should be a line break after "the ball is over", so that the ending is more quickly-paced. Just my opinion.

You really captured the mood of the characters well. The atmosphere feels so real, too, and there's something about how you wrote the first stanza, jarred and choppy, against the lengthier descriptions later on that reflected the organised ambience, if that makes sense. It probably doesn't, but that's how it felt to me.

Sorry for being so one-dimensional - again - but there really is little else to say. =D Great work.

Best,
Bubbling Blinky

I really like this poem, as it has a historical aura about it, and I love that. I really enjoyed the part about the earl gray not being spilled on any petticoats, and how the chadelier dares not to quiver. Very great imagery. My only real complaint, was the lines where you talked about the ball. Instead of pointing out that it was a debut ball, I would've left it a mystery. I think you drop enough hints for us to formulate this conclusion on our own. Plus, the use of the word ball just got redundant. Good job! I loved reading this.

This was great, Dems! ^^ And, while I'm here, let me thank you profusely for the critiques you've given me recently.

and shoetips are drowned by smell of anticipation
streaming through the air

This line, for whatever reason, didn't seem to have as clear an image as the others. Shoetips drowned by a scent? You have a lot of battling senses here (shoetips-- sound/hearing, I assume --drowning-- touch/feeling --smell of anticipation-- sense of smell) and the image comes across muddled.

I thought the ending was a tad...strange, as well. I think Blink's suggesting of adding a line break in the middle of that line would be effective, just breaking up that sentence a bit. That would add to the humor in the phrase, "Now it's over...until it starts again, at least."

Lastly, I was a bit surprised (and, yes, disappointed) that you didn't focus very much at all on the actually dancing. I'm not very educated in the matter of old-fashioned balls, but they do dance, I thought? You touch on every other subject but the dancing-- and that could have the possibility of being great.

All in all, I loved it. Gold star, dear.

~Evi

Hey Dems!

Wow, this is a really lovely poem. I'm a fan of the run-on sentence style (although I can by no means achieve it myself) and you have a real gem here.

Language:

Well, the language you've used (as other people have said) really does remind me of a P&P era ball. (Not just the language, but it's a good place to start). The words you've used fit together well, although to me this line seemed a little out of place when I first read it:

ow, watch it, will you?

It's only a very small thing, but it just felt a little too abrupt and modern, in a way, for the style you seemed to be aiming for. It could just be me, though. For some reason, I feel like 'ow' could become 'ouch' (I did tell you this was small. I'm a little nitpicky today) and 'watch it' should perhaps be replaced with a different phrase.

And:

but the ball goes on
and if heels get too heavy, they'll be paid back

I'm not too sure what this means, not in full anyway. But it seems to add this slight drag to the poem and the ball. To me, it feels like it's about heels hurting your feet or something. It's a tad confusing, and for some reason it just stood out to me. But, as I said, I'm getting all picky here about insignificant details.

Imagery:

Beautiful! You've captured the scene so well and imaginatively.

and shoetips are drowned by smell of anticipation
streaming through the air

As Evi said, this wasn't your best line. I love the individual components (shoetips, I love that), but put together they don't create the strong image you would hope for. The idea of 'streaming through the air' would seem to relate to something that wasn't on the ground, like shoes tend to be.

Ending:

In a way, I like the idea of the ending, but it doesn't seem to tie everything up with a flourish as much as I would hope. I guess breaking it into two different lines might help. I just feel like it needs to be a little stronger, is all.

Overall:

I'm sorry this is kind of short. I wanted to compliment you again and again on it, but that didn't seem very constructive, so I'm confining my raptures to this little spot. It was beautiful, really. I don't think I've read any of your poetry before, but I really enjoyed this. I'm sorry that I'm a little nitpicky; it was a beautiful poem and I can't really find any way to improve it.

~Amy

Hi,

I really enjoyed this.

I feel that the first two words were a little bland.I'd try something more descriptive/specific.

I know "into" is to fit the meter, but I think it sounds a bit odd. Maybe try "in (adjective) skulls".

I love;
"ow, watch it, will you?
truly sorry, ma'am, keep still --
cameos border the necklines with
curves equally adorned (full or not)
and tiny curls falling carefully over
white foreheads",
The description is great and the dialogue brings it to life.

I'd cut "smell of" and "streaming through the air" as I think they're superfluous.

I love the next stanza, especially:"moods tighten, eyes sharpen
to carry themselves with been-there grace
and when they arrive, it has begun,
just another debut even for old hands --"
and again the dialogue is great.

I think;
"on a petticoat
and a lacy waist starts to speak and"
is a bit bumpy.

I love the end, especially the last four lines where the poem picks up speed. The last line is very effective.

A very enjoyable read.

Hope this helps,

Jas

Hey!

I enjoyed reading this poem. I thought it was really well written and it definitely stood out from the other poems I have been reading. The style that you write in is one that I seldom see: using dialogue within a poem. It think you use it effectively. It is definitely something I would want to try. I like the interaction the narrator is having with other people. Its another side to poetry you seldom see. I read so much observational poetry that everything I read starts to blur together. But once again, great job on this poem! PM me if you have any questions, comments or if you want me to review something else of yours.

Much Love,
Chris