Something on the desk :)

Just wanted to know if this was worth carrying on for the purpose of aquamarine's contest...



For the last three hours Kate had sat looking at the green velvet covered box laid open in front of her. Why had he chosen now to throw this into the equation? This wasn’t as simple as he wanted her to believe. Did he think she was stupid? Her phone buzzed and vibrated at ten minute intervals, dancing closer to the edge of her desk with each attack. Attacking her; that’s what he was doing. You can be attacked with kindness. That’s what most people did to her when they found out.

It had been eleven months since she had walked out of the hospital without her mother but today was no easier for Kate than that very day. Ever since then, people have treated her with kid gloves when all she longed for was normality. There was only so many homemade lasagnes and self help books a girl could deal with!

Jack had been her upstairs neighbour. They had said hello to each other for two whole years before they knew the other ones name. Typical city neighbours, she guessed. The night they had spoken for the first time changed Kate’s life forever.

right i'm new, so i hope this is the usual way to make comments.

anywhoo, i really liked this piece, it was short and sweet and at no point did it get boring or lengthy. it really made me want to read on, although i'm guessing that was the whole point . its interesting to read things written in third person view, as thats not my usual style, & i think you pulled it off pretty well. particularly i like how it switched from narration of the surroundings, to a narration of the characters thoughts.

"It had been eleven months since she had walked out of the hospital without her mother but today was no easier for Kate than that very day." - this is my favourite line, i like how you give a little away, but not too much. i also love the two ending lines!

just one thing i noticed "There was only so many homemade lasagnes" i think it might be were, instead of was, but thats just my opinion.

hope this comment was useful !

In my opinion I believe that you should most definitely continue pursing this. I was left wanting to read on. The mystery of it all is very well put together. Great job. It sounds very interesting and I am intrigued to find out what happened.

See, I'm not one for nitpicking, so I'll just tell you what I think.

I liked it. It definitely needs to be longer, and you should proofread it for typos and so on, but the actual story, well, I'm a sucker for weird guys and hospitals. You did a good job at the end, with the sudden, Whoa, wait, what? Tell me though, could you try being a little clearer? I like subtlety, honestly I do, but even I was wondering whether the guy was evil or if he was some obsessed in-love-with-MC dude who was the one drowning her in kindness. Of course, I'd like it better if he was an insane serial killer, but I suppose I can live with it if he's not (and maybe my reading it so fast confused me, too. Don't take it all on y'self, dear).

I can't say much in terms of plot or character development since it was so short--well, a little on character development. Make the MC a little more...human, maybe? Give her thoughts like you might have, ironic thoughts, exasperated thoughts, have her get up during this reflection on her life lately, pace, look out the window and watch the people go by. That's what I would do, at any rate. It just makes you worry for her more, like her more, when there's something in her you can connect with, sympathize with.

But I'm impressed, actually. I was expecting this to be bad, judging by the title, but it did intrigue me, and would you PM when you put on the next bit?

Good luck, and congrats! Not just anyone can get my attention.

-SELA

Hey Olivia =]

For the last three hours Kate had sat looking at the green velvet covered box laid open in front of her.

I think this sentence would read better if you put a comma after 'hours'

It had been eleven months since she had walked out of the hospital without her mother but today was

A comma after 'Mother' would help break up this setence too.

treated her with kid gloves

I don't think I've ever heard of this saying before, but I'm guessing that you mean they've been treating her like she's fragile from the loss of her Mother? That they're trying to mother her themselves, sympathise with her? Forgive me if I'm wrong, though.

Jack had been her upstairs neighbour.

Maybe instead of 'upstairs neighbour' you could say that he lived in the apartment above her - just a suggestion =]

They had said hello to each other for two whole years before they knew the other ones name.

I think 'each others' would read better than 'the other ones'

The night they had spoken for the first time changed Kate’s life forever.

This sentence seems a bit out in the open at the moment, as it only just relates to the sentence before. I suppose once you continue this piece you'll add in more detail of the night you've just mentioned but at the moment it just doesn't feel right stuck on the end of the paragraph.

Overall though, you've managed to create a lot of questions that I want to know the answers to. What's in the green velvet covered box? What happened to her mother? What happened between her and Jack on the night they first spoke to eachother?

Please continue this - I'm sure you'll do well in the contest if you do!

xDudettex

I really liked it and you were able to catch my attention in the first three paragraphs. To me, that's huge because very few people can. I'm new to YWS and this is actually one of the first pieces i've read that i would like to hear more from. Just for the record, I'm not a stickler for grammer chiefly because I'm terrible at it:) But yeah...LOVED IT<3

Sorry it took me so long to get to this, I guess life just kind of happened! Anyways, I have to agree that you should pursue this. You made me want to read more, which is always a good thing! However, this piece is rather short, so it is difficult to get really nitpicky.

I love this line:

There was only so many homemade lasagnes and self help books a girl could deal with!

Make sure that before you post something here on YWS that you do a spellcheck. It will really help your reviewers focus on more important things than the spelling errors. As for other nitpicks, I wish I had more information on the setting and what the protagonist looks like. In order for me to become emotionally involved with a story I have to feel like the characters are real, that where this is all taking place actually exists. So you see the importance of describing the setting and the character? Make sure that you use all five senses when describing a scene. And try not to dump all the info on us at once. Mix it up a bit with dialogue and action. Okay?

That's all I have. Keep writing! Oh and I'd love a PM if you post more of this story.

Hi Olivia.
Before I begin, I just want to say that as much as everyone loves smiley faces, putting them in your titles is kind of amateurish.

Onto the story. I felt really detached from the characters and there was nothing that really motivated me to keep reading. This was three paragraphs of the typical life of teenage girl, mixed with a few cliches. The dead parent is a huge one, as well as the line
that says Kate's life will be changed forever.

It's also redundant, because more often then not the main character at the end of a novel is never quite the same as from the beginning of the novel. Just take a look at Frodo Baggins. When meet him, he's a slightly shy, fun-loving hobbit with no talent or skill in battle. At the end of the last installment of LoTR, he's a strong, fearless person who realizes that he can make a change even if he's only 3 feet tall. I'm sure your main character will go on such a journey, but you don't need to blatantly point out that your will change. Tolkien sure didn't.

Also, this seems to be setting the stage for a typical romance story. Boy meets girl, Boy and girl fall in love, their affair is forbidden, they continue their affair anyway, and then they are parted usually by death. Now, I can't exactly know because I haven't read the rest of the story. This is where foreshadowing can come into play. Use well written script and other subtle hints so the reader is sure that this is some thing worth reading.

That's all I have for now. I'm sorry if I was too harsh, and don't be afraid to PM me if you have any questions.

The night they had spoken for the first time changed Kate’s life forever.

hello. i wonder what they talked about? hmmm...
it's nice by the way.