Young Writers Society

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OMG! This is freakin awesome!
Didn't catch many nitpicks, your grammar and spelling seem pretty good, and I love your writing style. It flows, and draws me in. Please post the next piece soon, I don't know how long I can wait!! Great story, its definitely got potential.
Keep Writing!
~Shaard

Aww thanks, that comment made me feel super awesome.
I'm definitely planing on expanding this if it builds up.
Thanks again!

~Pink

This is interesting... The idea of the girl fighter is something I haven't seen done a lot, and especially not one who still aware of her femininity. I'm excited just at the potential of an idea like that. Then you write a piece with a great flow and one that I really can't find any grammatical nitpicks with and I am on board!

A question: Do her parents know that she is an underground fighter? I'm kind of assuming not from the fact that her father doesn't even like her going to the gym. So, if they don't know, how does she hide the injuries that are obviously being inflicted on her in these fights? I mean, she's getting punched in the face and whatnot with just gloved fists. That leaves marks usually.

One slight nitpick: When Kevin doesn't hold back because she's a girl, she likes it because he is treating her as an equal. When Nick doesn't hold back because she's a girl, it's scary? Is it that she is trying to point out how mechanical Nick is, rather than having a good time like Kevin? Otherwise, we're getting a bit of a double standard.

All in all, though, I liked this. Your fight scenes flow nicely and I like the characters thus far. I really want to see where this is going. Keep it up!

~GryphonFledgling

Hi GryphonFledging,
Just to answer your question, yes she is afraid of Nicholas because of the way he fights. She enjoys brawling with everyone it's just that there's something about Nick that scares her (Argh, no he's not a vampire!).
There will be more information on her relationship with her father and how she gets around this underground fighting thing, but that will be explained later.
Thanks so much for your review, it gave me some things I need to go over and think about.

~Pink

Hey Pink,

Ok, I read your chapter and I'm ready for the review. Here are my nitpicks...

His blond hair is soft and waves slightly as he moves.

Referring to Kevin's hair. How does she know his hair is soft? She has touched it and she is reminiscing? Or it looks soft? It was just something that stood out for me.

pair of old tattered gloves his father gave him when he passed away.

Ok, this bothers me a little, but only the wording. His father died, so he couldn't have given him the gloves, right? So either his father gave him the gloves before passing away or he inherited them or recieved them after his father's death. But maybe this is just me being picky.

his course brown

Referring to Nicholas. I think the correct spelling is 'coarse'. Hmm, in Canada anyway.

As for another nitpick, I have the same as Gryphon. Maybe you should mention how Nicholas -unlike the other fighters she goes against- doesn't seem to hesitate when facing her. The other ones all hesitate and maybe seem to hold back. She doesn't want him to go easy on her, but he could pretend to. You know?

Ok. I really, really really (really!) loved this chapter. I loved the way how you get a feel of her 'feminity' although she's a fighter. She's not a super chick and she knows it but I somehow felt she longed to feel feminine for a guy. I really felt that and I love her name. Ironically, I have always found 'Victoria', as a name, feminine.

Also, the fight scenes were great! Are you a fighter yourself? Do you have a tougher physique, just like 'Vicks'? Cause we can really relate to her and that is nice.

So far, the ratings are great on this. Please post another chapter and pm me?

Thanks !!

Tanya

Oh. I love this.
Girl power!
Haha.
There were a few mistakes that I saw. Like you said warp instead of wrap. begin instead of begins. you switched to third person once and said "she" instead of I. And there were a few others, but i cant find them now.
I really did like reading this. She seems extremely self motivated. A very strong female lead, in a way. Kudos.
I don't have any real overall nitpicks.
Good luck writing this. I want to see more
Sorry I couldnt be more help.

Thanks guys,
I've edited a few things for right now and I might go back and fix things later (at work).
Thanks again for the reviews and gold stars!

~Pink


(P.S. Tanya, no I don't fight, I'm a tiny little stick figure incapable of executing a proper punch. But I think fighting is cool Not if it's for the wrong reasons, of course.)

this is seriously good! it flows very well and you describe things so well i can almost imagine that i'm there too please keep writing this

Hey there!

This is a really good story! I really like it.

I nearly had a heart attack when i saw the title though because I have a story called "Roses and Thorns" that I've been working on for five years now and the the lead character is also a chick who kicks butt! (I LOVE THE IDEA OF THAT!)
My story is set in the seventeenth century. Long, long while ago.

Anyway, aside from that, this is really a good story. You're good at writing.

(Sorry for the weird reply. This is my first time on the site )

Wow. Great job with this, it's really good. My attention was kept throughout the entire piece, it's got a great flow to it. The descriptions are wonderful, and I enjoyed reading this immensely. I liked Victoria, she's a very real character, and that adds a lot to the story. I don't really have any nit-picks...I can't wait to read the next part! Keep writing!!

~Hope

I love the way you write. It's precise and it flows perfectly. Your main character has a clear voice and your dialogue is sharp. Your characters all stand out and your details are perfectly balanced. Not too many, but just the right amount. In short, it's pretty dang on close to perfect.

I look forwad to your next installment. (I love Never Back down, by the way.)

~Scar

this kept me absorbed! I loved it! the detail, the writing, the way you stuck only to the stuff about the fighting. It was amazing. I only saw about two spelling errors in the whole story. That's pretty good, since I come across way more than that. your work is wonderful, everything in the story is so great. I especially liked the last line from Nicholas. I can't wait to see more. Is there going to be a romantic pairing? between Vicks and Kevin? or Vicks and Nicholas? or is there going to be a new guy that will the victim to the love bug? that will make one of the others or both of them jelous?

Keep doing this! I'm looking forward to reading your next chapters. This is going to be pretty awesome. =)

Wow, I never expected this. I just wrote this one night when I couldn't fall asleep so yeah, wow.
Now I just hope the next chapter that I've been preparing matches up to this one.
I'll work hard!
Thank you all so much, yet again!

~Pink