Young Writers Society

My friend, my dear friend,
do you remember that day?
the day I first met you
the first day I looked at you?

You my dear, were like a light breeze.
Soft, sweet, breathtaking.
giving me the strength
to look at life from a new perspective.
You were the breeze that softly caressed my soul.

Your love my fried, was as soft as a rose's petal
Unusual, intoxicating and unreachable.
Like that distant star in which I wish upon
Like that star that I can't seem to forget.

Your soft voice, so soothing and harmonious.
And your laughter, so joyous and beautiful.
That my friend was what held my heart piece by piece.
It was what made my frail emotions soar to you.

Do you realize, my friend, that I'll miss you?
And every minute without you
will be like years of doom.
Crying for that bright light that you use to give me.

You're like a melody, my friend.
a heavenly instrument singing to me.
Making my soul rejoice
with such vain love for you.

But my friend,
a broken heart is hard to heal
and you shattered my mine.
You taught me that tears were frail
and laughter always hid the pain.

My dear, my lovely dear,I'll love you.
Love you more than what your bounded mind can imagine.
Remember you like a sunny summer day.
Because, after all, you were my light.

I love you, my friend, just remember me.
remember I'll miss you.
and that you are and will always be
that missing part of me.

I think you might be better with some consolidation here! You have a lot of different images thrown in, so you either have to combine them better so that they make more sense.

Also, since you are saying this is your friend... I don't know the exact nature of this friendship, but it seems a little shallow because you use the typical cliches instead of developing something new that might be a personal inside joke. So I would use a personal reference here so that your friend could see it and understand instantly what it's about and we can wonder at its meaning. What can I say? I like chewing on imagery!

Good luck editing!

Hey Pudin! Its Forest, and I will be your reviewer for today!

My friend, my dear friend,
do you remember that day?
the day I first met you
the first day I looked at you?

I really liked this, since I'm having troubles with a friend of mine, it really hit the spot and was really emotional. Good job here.

You my dear, were like a light breeze.
Soft, sweet, breathtaking.
giving me the strength
to look at life from a new perspective.
You were the breeze that softly caressed my soul.

Okay here it should be: You, my dear,... and after strength, add a comma. Make it: to look at life,
From a new perspective.

Your love my fried, was as soft as a rose's petal
Unusual, intoxicating and unreachable.
Like that distant star in which I wish upon
Like that star that I can't seem to forget.

Here I think you mean "Friend" and I think it would flow better if it was: Unusual, intoxication, unreachable.

That my friend was what held my heart piece by piece.
It was what made my frail emotions soar to you.

I think it would be better if you said: That, my friend, was what held
My heart, piece by piece.
It was what made my frail emotions soar. "You" at the end just sounds kinda weird to me.

You're like a melody, my friend.
a heavenly instrument singing to me.
Making my soul rejoice
with such vain love for you.

I love this. Really profound and emotional.

and you shattered my mine.

Change it to: "And you have shattered mine" the have makes it flow.

My dear, my lovely dear,I'll love you. Love you more than what your bounded mind can imagine.

It should be worded a little different here. Try: Love you more than what your mind can imagine. I didn't really get the whole bounded part, you can try sticking a different adjective in there, Bounded just didn't really make sense to me. And also, It should be: My dear, my lovely dear, I'll ALWAYS love you. Always would make it sound a little more emotional.

I love you, my friend, just remember me.
remember I'll miss you.
and that you are and will always be
that missing part of me.

It was really emotional here, just one suggestion in this stanza. Change the second "remember" to Remember." And the "and" to "And" also...switch always and will it sounds more poetic to me.


Overall, I think this was great. I love how you described it, and I, as the reader, could tell how you feel about your friend. Great work, I hope I wasn't too critical.

P.S. in the title "mis" needs to be spelled like "miss"!!!

Hi Juni! I'm here, as requested. Anything for you <3 screw the Geography essay xD Sorry if I repeat anything or contradict anyone, I haven't read the above reviews due to lack of time.

I. Details!

the day I first met you
the first day I looked at you?

Here, and only here in particular, I suggest you add a comma at the end of the first line. If the following one wasn't as it is, it would've been just fine without a comma but I think that line is begging for one ^.^

Soft, sweet, breathtaking.
giving me the strength

Here, you should either turn the period into a comma or capitalize the last sentence.

Your love my fried, was as soft as a rose's petal

'O my fried chicken! How I love you my friend! xD Yep, you misspelled 'friend' and I couldn't keep myself. Also, comma after 'love'.

and you shattered my mine.

Cut the 'my'. A typo, I believe.

II. Lines & Cliches & Opinions
So, I have always liked this kind of theme for a poem. It's nothing new, no, but I think it's something always nice to read and easy to relate to. I'm actually kind of disappointed at this. I think you can do so much better! I know you're having a crappy time, and I know, I write my crappiest poems while on a crappy time <-- made sense? Well, it's not it's a bad poem, it's the fact that is an only okay poem. I know you can do so much better! So, now let's go over the lines that bothered me the most. And of course, the ones I liked the most ^.^

the first day I looked at you?

I feel like this line is a bit off, and as the ending line of the first stanza it isn't a good thing. I feel like it doesn't adapt to the line above, and it probably would've made me stop reading. So, rephrase it, change some words around, and save it.

to look at life from a new perspective.
You were the breeze that softly caressed my soul.

These are just too cliché. No further comments.

Your love my fried, was as soft as a rose's petal
Unusual, intoxicating and unreachable.

Again, I feel like these too don't connect. How is a rose's petal intoxicating? I can see why a friend might be it, but not a rose's petal and as you were using the methaphor just above it causes some confusion. Throughtout this poem, I felt like you had a lot of ideas put into this, but you need to connect them better, or it will just sound misplaced and choppy.

Crying for that bright light that you use to give me.

Cliché.

My dear, my lovely dear,I'll love you.

Too cheesy. Honestly xD

---> Best!

You taught me that tears were frail
and laughter always hid the pain.

Best too lines in the poem. Honestly.

and that you are and will always be
that missing part of me.

The ending was nice too Since I think it wrapped up the poem nicely.

Okay, so, now Juni, feel free to trash one of my poems since I feel like I've been a bit harsh on you on this one. It's just because I feel like you could so so much better! Anyway, back to Geography.

PM if you have questions!
- Kat <3

Hey there Muff! Here as requested. Sorry if it's repeated or anything, I'm kind of busy so I don't want to read through the reviews.

Nitpicks

My friend, my dear friend,
do you remember that day?
the day I first met you
the first day I looked at you?

Ok, so because the third line is starting a new sentence it should be capitalized. And I also think that there should be a comma at the end. If you look at the last two lines together out of the poetry format then they need a comma.

You my dear, were like a light breeze.
Soft, sweet, breathtaking.

Ok, so the soft part ties in with the breeze. The other two, however, don't really cut it for me. "Sweet" is not a characteristic that you'd attribute to a breeze, perhaps "refreshing" might fit the role better? In addition, if you want something to be "breathtaking" then using the words "light" and "soft" before it seems like a contradiction of sorts. For the breeze to be breathtaking you'd need to turn it into a sudden gale or something.

giving me the strength
to look at life from a new perspective.
You were the breeze that softly caressed my soul.

Firstly, I'm not too sure why you've suddenly got a stanza with five lines in the middle of this. It doesn't matter too much, but it's nice if you keep them to a pattern instead of random. Secondly, I don't think that the first two lines here tie in with the idea of a breeze which seems to be the theme of this stanza. If you wanted to keep these three lines, I would actually recommend switching the bottom one to the top here so that it reads:
"You were the breeze that softly caressed my soul,
giving me the strength
to look at life from a new perspective."
It just ties the lines in with the ideas and actually finishes the stanza nicely. But remember to capitalize whichever line will come first here because you ended a sentence in the lines above them. One thing I would watch out for is cliches, but I'll say something about that at the end.

Your love my fried, was as soft as a rose's petal
Unusual, intoxicating and unreachable.

First, you've used the word "soft" in your imagery about three times in the poem. I agree that it is a very good word, but I think that you should be giving us new ideas in each stanza rather than just using the same word in different contexts. Again, this is kind of cliche but again I'll leave that 'till the end. Also, I do agree that the word intoxicating can be used here, but the other two words simply don't fit in with the idea of a rose petal.

Like that distant star in which I wish upon
Like that star that I can't seem to forget.

I do like this imagery, but you seem to not be giving us the full ideas. From your last lines it seems to say that your friend has left, at least that's what it imples when you talk about never forgetting, but the rest of the poem doesn't seem to signify much of the same thing. I think it might be good if you expand on this more and really make the reader feel something for the narrator. You want them to empathise and sympathise.

Cliches

I can see that everyone's mentioned this already, but if you want to really describe how much a friend means to you then the best way to do this is to think up some unique, original imagery that actually describes this person perfectly rather than describing the generic idea of a good friend. What you have here seems to me to be something that could describe almost anyone who misses their best friend. I'm not quite sure if it's something that's actually happened to you or not, but in either case I think that you need to personalise this poem so that it really brings something new to the floor when you're talking about this. You can do this in different ways: adding memories of the person into the poem, adding in their possesions (for instance, "that musty red ribbon that you always tied your hair with.") Or you can simply just tailor the imagery to make it original and exciting. There's a world of possiblities that you could choose and I think it would be a shame if you didn't, because this subject always has so much potential and you have the potential as well.

Overall
You have a very good subject here, and you've shown that you know how to write and how to create imagery. I just think that you need to work on this poem. Work on the things that I've said and work on the things that everybody else has said. I think that you need to fufill both your potential and the potential of this poem. I know that you can do it!

Hope that this helped!

~Amy