The Last Good Bye (edited:ending)

The notebook kept in front of me was still empty.
"I've lost it." I slowly whispered to myself.
It was the first day of my tenth grade and it was gloomy from the beginning.
Children all around me were playing, chatting, dancing, laughing, gossiping and doing all sorts of things, but none noticed me.
From several months I had been feeling sad, low and miserable for some mysterious reason.
I had tried to read, I had tried to write, but alas nothing interested me anymore. Even the television and the computer had failed to entertain me.
My mind had stopped thinking thoughts and feeling emotions.
Life had become aimless.

Sitting on my bench and frustrated from my situation I started to cry.
Just when I thought no one noticed, I felt a hand on my shoulder.
"Is something wrong?"
It was a girl unknown to me. She had straight, long black hair, a delicate,small nose and had a unearthly twinkle in her eyes.
Finding solace in her warmth and desperate for a shoulder to cry upon, I told her everything about my situation.
She listened like an experienced listener; and by the time I had finished my heart was much lighter and I was feeling much better.
"It's just a phase." she reassured me. "Everything's gonna be alright."

And that was the day she became the best friend I would ever have. In a short period of time she had become good friends with my friends too. But our friendship was the strongest.
We often liked to hang out with each other.
Well, to tell the truth we were mostly with each other only. We used to study with each other, meet after school and chat for hours on the phone.
She often visited my home, though I never visited her's. My mother, father, sister and brother knew her well and she soon became a family friend.
We talked a lot and shared each and every thing about each other.
Her name was Fragrance by the way (almost forgot!).
And as far as I had been able to know her, she was the happiest person on this planet. She was always filled with energy and enthusiasm and surely she never got bored or neither did she ever allow anyone around her to get bored. She was a little bit crazy too.
Sometimes she laughed a very funny laugh for no apparent reason which made everyone else laugh too. And sometimes she also danced insane dances.
She was a girl who wasn't afraid of the world at all and didn't care about what anyone thought of her.
She used to get emotionally attached to people very quickly. And was the best friend and the worst enemy one could have.
She loved medieval architecture and so did I. Therefore our favorite meeting place was a very old church, though none of us was a Christian.
That church had a very large graveyard with marble angles and stone crosses.
The church had huge glass panes with pictures from the bible painted on them.
There were many gargoyles perched on it's roof.
And yes, it had lots and lots and lots of trees.
It's truly a surprise that this gorgeous place was most of the time empty.
This church was truly an inspiring place and we often had conversations about the paranormal and the unexplained.

We mostly hanged out in the graveyard as it was the most beautiful place in the church. The more I time I spent with her, the more I got influenced by her. Thanks to her my serious nature had changed and she taught me to find joy in the smallest of the things.
As days went by and our friendship grew stronger, I kept getting more fond of her.
And finally one day I realized that I was hopelessly in love with her.
That whole day I kept thinking about her (called her 27 times) and that night, after so many days I wrote a poem-

I love you,
More than the Sun
Loves The moon.

I love you,
More than a song
Love it's tune.

I love you,
More than the night
Loves the dark.

I love you
More than a match
Loves the spark.

I love you
More than the sky
Loves the sea.

I love you,
Even more than me.

It was a perfect poem at last! Simple and to the point. Just the way I liked it.
I named it 'I Love You' (not very innovative, I know)
That night I slept with a smile on my face.
The next day was a Saturday. I called her to the church early in the morning.
I reached there early and rehearsed several times.
But when she came I forgot everything I had rehearsed.
She seemed Extraordinarily beautiful that day, as if some fairy had sprinkled her magic powder on her.

"I want to give you something." I murmured, quickly handing over my poem to her.
As soon as she finished reading it, her face lit with a smile.

"For me?" she asked.
"Uh..yah." I said nervously, my fingers crossed.
"I love you too." She said hugging me.

And for the first time we talked about things we never talked before; our cheeks red with shyness.
But at last (alas!) dusk arrived and it was time we had to say our goodbyes.

"Here take this." She said taking of her favorite silver ring her grandmother gave her.
"Thanks" I said.
Then she kissed me softly (I felt a spark!) and left.
When I reached home I was shocked to see all of my family members sitting in the living room with very grave faces.
As soon as my mother saw me enter she ran to me and hugged me tight.

"Where were you?" She asked worriedly.

"I was at the church, why?"

She didn't answer just stared into my eyes and I saw a tear drop fall.

"What happened?" I asked terribly worried by now.
"Come with me." My father said to me.
I quietly followed him to the car.
He took me to the hospital; now I was sure that something bad has happened.
As I entered the hospital a nauseating smell filled my nostrils which made me feel like vomiting. There were sick people all around me.
My father took me to a room where two people were crying and someone was lying on a bed, with the body covered by a white sheet.
Among the two people one was a man and other was a woman.
When they saw me enter they both wiped away their tears and the woman came and hugged me.
"In this whole world she loved you the most."
Her words greatly confused and horribly disturbed me.
By now my heart was beating so fast that one could hear it without putting their ear on my chest and my hands were trembling violently.
"I don't know if I should show you this. But you have to see this."
And after saying so the man removed the sheet from her body.

My heart almost stopped from seeing what I saw. The person lying on the bed was none other than fragrance.
Her body was cold and lifeless and their was a wound on her head.
"She was going somewhere in a hurry. But then she slipped from the stairs and died this morning."
The words struck me like thunder.
'Died this morning?!!!' I gasped to myself.
'But it cant be,I just met her!'
'Was it a dream then? But...It's not possible- how can i meet her if she was dead!'
Tears were gushing down my eyes and I was barely able to breathe, it was such a shock! My body went cold and weak and I collapsed to the ground.
Just then I noticed the silver ring, smiling brightly to me;there was something engraved on it-
'goodbye'.

Hey people I need to improve the ending. Please help me!

'But it cant be,I just met her!" I gasped to himself.

That doesn't make sense to me.

Also, I think the way you wrote it is really cool, but, I didn't really feel like I knew the characters or their relationship.

And, I don't really understand the whole ending and the ring... It just kind of sprung up and I'm not really sure how she died (I know you mentioned it, but embellish a little more).

The idea was great, you just need to create more of a connection between the reader and the story. Good luck. Definitely keep writing!

hey,
I loved this peice i felt like it was a little rushed but you explained everything great

so it didn't matter. I like the mc I could really understand everything he was saying. but

I think you should elaborate more on the feeling he felt when she died. the grief

of Florence dyeing and the happiness of realising she came back one last time for him.

other than that fantastic!

lil-mizzkitty1

I wanna know is the ending understandable?
Does the reader come to know that it was the ghost of her that came to say the last goodbye
and I am sorry for the grammatical mistake.

Hey Hey Starleene here to review! Get ready...Get set...Go! *Cool background music*

The notebook kept in front of me was still empty.

Maybe you could change this to something like "The empty notebook lay in front of me, still empty."

It was the first day of my tenth grade

Add year in here so it reads "tenth grade year"

Children all around me were playing, chatting, dancing, laughing, gossiping and doing all sorts of things, but none noticed me.

If this person is in high school, why are their children around? Hm say something like "The students..." Yeah, something like that.

From several months I had been feeling sad, low and miserable for some mysterious reason.

Why is this mysterious? I think that by adding "mysterious" you are alluding to something that isn't going to happen. Maybe you could just say "...for some reason."

Ihad tried to read

Just a space between "I" and "had". Don't worry I do that all the time.

Sitting on my bench and frustrated from my situation I started to cry.

OK so this sentence is really awkward to read try changing it to something like "Sitting in my bench the world crashed down around me, and I finally started to cry." Yeah?

long black hair, a delicate,small nose

Space between small and the comma

She listened like an experienced listener

Hm this sounds really...flat. Maybe say something like : “she listened expectantly, listening like everything I said was important.

and by the time I had finished my heart was much lighter and I was feeling much better.

Maybe take out “and I was feeling much better, the first part is enough

After that day she became the best friend I would ever have

A lot of your sentences are really awkward to read, but if you changed the positions of them it would sound and slow a lot better; like maybe something along the lines of: “After that day she became the best friend that I could ever ask for).

In a short period of time she had become good friends with my friends too.

I thought this person didn’t have any friends?

though I never visited her's

Take out apostrophe in "her's" to make it "hers".

We talked a lot and knew each and every thing about each other

Maybe say something like “We talked a lot and there was rarely a time when we could tell the other something they didn’t already know”. I don't know, but try and make your sentences easier to read and understand. I don't think that its possible to know every little thing about someone.
Her name was Fragrance by the way (almost forgot!).

And as far as I had been able to know her

Try not to start your sentences with "and","but","or" or any other words along those lines. Just a heads up

Sometimes she laughed a very funny laugh for no apparent reason which made everyone else laugh too. And sometimes she also danced insane dances.

Instead of "a very funny laugh" try "this funny laugh." Make it sound like he’s reminiscing

And was the best friend and the worst enemy one could have.

Why was she the worst enemy?

Therefore our favorite

"favourite"

meeting place was a very old church, though none of us was a Christian.

Change the second "was" to "were"

There were many gargoyles perched on it's roof.

Change "it's" to "its"

And yes, it had lots and lots and lots of trees.

When you "and yes" you are implying that we know what this place looks like, but we don't. I don't really think that you need this thought.

We mostly hanged out in the graveyard

Change "hanged" to "hung".

The more I spent time with her, the more I got influenced by her. Thanks to her my serious nature had changed and she taught me to find joy in the smallest of the things.
As days went by and our friendship grew stronger, I kept getting more fond (fonder) of her.

Change "got" to "was". Comma after "Thanks to her,", and lastly change "more fond" to "fonder".

The church was quite a distance from our houses. Thus we usually traveled by our bicycles.

Instead of a period separating these sentences try a comma, and travelled is spelled with double L's.

I reached there early and rehearsed several times.

Hm maybe " reached the graveyard first, and took the time to rehearse several times.

She seemed Extraordinarily

Don’t capitalize the “e”

"Uh..yah."

"yah" is generally spelled “yeah”

She said taking of her favorite

favourite

Then she kissed me and left

Maybe add something to describe this kiss like “she softly kissed me” or she delicately kissed me” or something like that. This is supposed to be a special moment for the both of them. They just confessed to loving each other, so make it a little more romantic

I quietly followed him to the car and he started the car.

You don’t need “ He started to car” I think we get the picture.”

Among the 2

I think the rule is that is its less than ten you have to spell it, but if its more you can use the number

"I don't know if I should show you this. But you have to see this

Change the second "this" to "it". It makes this very weird when you used the same word right in the next sentence, if you know hat I mean?

The person lying on the bed was none other than fragrance.

Capitalize her name

Her body was cold and lifeless and their was a wound on her head

“there” is the proper “there” to use, not "their". The "There" that you used is possessive, referring to an object(s) belonging to a certain number of people.

"She was going somewhere in a hurry. But then she slipped from the stairs and died this morning."

If this was one of her parents maybe you could have them stuttering while saying it. And if its the mother, why don’t you make her not be able to finish the sentence and the father finish for her. Both are crying. The was you put it, it sounds like they really don't care.

The words struck me like thunder.

Do you mean lightning

'But it cant be,I just met her!"

Space between “I” and the comma

I thought, greatly disturbed and confused.

you already used this line

Just then I saw the silver ring, smiling brightly to me and everything became clear.

What became clear? Nothing became clear to me!

OK so you wanted help on the ending. You could go along the lines of "...But..bu..," that's when I saw the paper clasped in her hand. I pulled out the ring from inside my shirt; it hung from a small ribbon around my neck, and I knew, some how, someway, she had come to say her last goodbye."
Yes? Something like that.

I have one question: Is the main character a guy or a girl, 'cuz you never know

Other then the things that I pointed out it was very intriguing. Keep writing!


Until next time...
Starleene Out!

Hero here. First off, I like it; it reminds me of a piece I once did, you know, except I never continued it and it wasn't romance.

Anyway, I just have to say, what kind of a name is Fragrance? I wince at names that are whimsical and mysterious and connected to the character's personality. It is a crusade I will never end, probably.
Also, Fragrance is a little bit of a Mary-Sue; she's the 'perfect match', 'love at first sight', and completely great in every way. If so, why is she content to just be with our MC? Give her a little something, physical or mental; give her bad acne or a habit of saying really disturbing things (I do this )
But that sort of thing.
Also, your MC... he sounds so emo in the first bit. And the poetry should be italicized, by the way; actually, I didn't see any problems with it. Just, you know.

So, anyway, I think that it was alright. It could do with a less whiny beginning and a less perfect leading lady.

Also, ending's quite good, but I knew who was going to be under that sheet as soon as it was presented. Also, when they kiss, if she's dead, wouldn't this make it a little odd? I remember a book in which the MC's dead wife's kiss tasted like the graveyard. So, yeah.

I liked it.

Hey everybody, thnx for the new reviews.
I see that starleene doesnt like my style of writing. But I cant help it this is how I write, this is my identity. And I like it too. Maybe this type of writing is new to you, so it's awkward for you to read.
Well thanks for youre review any way.
And thanks to hero too for such a wonderful review!
Fragrance is a cute name, That's why I chose it.
And it's not commonly used too.
And everybody could easily guess whoes gonna be under the sheet, but is that a problem?
I dont know.
And how do you know how it is to kiss a ghost, it could be like anything, she's a ghost afterall.

Hey Spike71294,
I really liked your story. Very sweet. Just three things I wanted to comment on. First, I really didn't understand the ending. What became clear? Second, it would be nice if you could add a little more description. Especially during the kiss. 'She kissed me then left' is not how I would feel. Maybe it's just because I'm a girl or whatever, but when a guy kisses me, there's so much more to it. And Thirdly, it would be really helpful if you could clarify the narrator's gender Anywayz I'd better run. Keep up the good work!!!

~Rose

If you like my story please star it.
It means a lot to me if you star it.