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Cinnamon Rolls on Tuesday (Part I)



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Sun Jul 26, 2009 6:08 am
Angels-Symphony says...



This is the first of my Seven Days a Week short story collection, and it's only the first installment. I originally planned to post this story as a whole, but I guess I'll just post it as a whole later since I want to know what you guys think of this piece. Enjoy ^^

Oh, and another note, the title may seem a bit odd, but trust me, there's a reason it's the title.


A plume of smoke rose from the dish, lingering in the atmosphere like a volcano’s smoke. Thick, white glaze rolled down the side of the swirl. A stream of drool ran down the corner my chin while a collection of stardust twinkled in Sandy’s eyes.
How delightful. I thought. A treat for the Greats.
With our noses pinned to the surface of the glass, we stared, silently, as the suited customer stabbed a fork into the pastry. Flashing sunlight as it moved, the fork devoured the treat while its owner’s attention was set on the Sunday edition of the paper.
“No!” Sandy and I shrieked. Our hands gripped the window and our cries fogged the glass.
Most people squealed the way we did while obsessing over their favorite soap opera in the comfort of their apartments, a plate of tea and scones at their side table. To Sandy and I, staring at the Violet Café’s customers was a soap opera, or the closest thing to one, anyway.
As usual, a few curious glances directed toward us while the haughtiest of the bunch wrinkled their noses in disgust. We were just street kids to the likes of them; ratty old things covered in filth, clad in apparel from second-rate shops and thrift stores.
“Molly, c’mon! They’re coming!” Sandy tugged on the edge of my knit sweater, her fingers snagging in the yarn weave.
I returned to reality and realized what had happened. Through the panes, a glossy-headed waiter with a look of frustration on his brow marched up the entrance, a red carnation wilting in his breast pocket. Behind him, a woman whose eyes were hidden behind a dark veil smiled contently, her gloved fingers stroking the gold rim of her teacup.
“Go, go, go!” I shoved Sandy from behind and we started sprinting down the sidewalk. Swarms of pedestrians wearing the usual dark coats and shades surged past us like bees. The smoky air of the city was barely breathable through the mass, and the majority of the sun was obscured by everlasting overcast.
I thrust myself through the crowd, raising my arms to shield my face when necessary. My lungs felt heavy, as if pollution were a sand weighing it down with the rest of my chest. I guessed I was near a manufacturing plant. Home was close.
“You still there, Molly?” I heard Sandy call from somewhere in front of me.
Though my eyes were burning red from the fumes and winter’s frost ate at my calves, I picked up my pace.
“I’m here!” I shouted, staggering forward, but saving myself with the help of a stranger’s coattail.
Let’s go, Molly. The faster you move the sooner you can get away from this dump, away from those glares. My palms began to pulse and I jolted past the crowd, toward The Meeting Place, within a few minutes.
#
By the time Sandy arrived, her head hung over her chest, panting like a dog, I already had my arm propped up against The Meeting Place’s structure.
“Where’ve you been?” I rolled my eyes and folded my arms. Sandy lifted herself upright. The corner of her lip raised, revealing a fang.
“How’d ya’ get here so fast, Molls?” She scratched her head, wispy brown tangles snarling into more knots. “Last time I checked, I was the one ahead. Cody got ya’ some Red Bull and you hid em’ in those sleeves of yours?”
I glanced up at the stoop of the building. Behind Sandy, Tom Sr. was hovering over the rusted stair, a collection of bread crumbs and pigeons in his hand. Ever since I was a little girl, the bond between Tom Sr. and the pigeons of New York amazed me. Even when provisions weren’t at hand, the birds would flock to him, much like the underprivileged and deprived that visited him.
Tom Sr. and his children, the ones not in college anyway, ran The Meeting Place, the neighborhood soup kitchen. To my surprise, there were more than just a few New York citizens in need of some good food and shelter. Perhaps that was the inviting aura surrounding Tom Sr., the one that welcomed even the most reclusive of guests. Perhaps something simple like kindness or compassion is what humanity truly looks for, what they really need.
“Nah,” I shook my head, “Cody hasn’t gotten Red Bull for ages. Apparently Monster and Rock Star are what’s flooding the inventory these days.”
Sandy narrowed her eyes at me. “Mhmm, whatever you say, Molly.” She spun around and threw a wave at Tom Sr. before turning back, emerald green eyes glinting with the sun’s ray. Her only beauty. “So whatta’ we gonna’ do ’bout those lovely little cinnamon rolls? We take the B bus every Tuesday just to catch a glimpse of em’, so we might as well do more than look at them.”
“Sandy,” I furrowed my brows at her, “I told you to use proper English when you’re not around Cody and the rest of the Shadies.”
“Yeah, yeah.” She beckoned me with indifference.
“And besides, we can’t afford to eat at Violet’s. Their desserts are like, fifteen dollars minimum, plus tip, plus tea, plus the fact that you need to reserve weeks ahead of time if you’re not one of their gold members!” I threw a fist in the air, animating the frustration that grew within me.
Sandy threw an arm around me and directed my attention toward the cluster of gray clouds. “What do you see?”
“Depressing overcast eating up the sun and shadows rising from the factory tubes, ” I snorted. “The usual around these parts. The Richies put all of the dirty stuff in the same area for a reason: to keep us as far away from their manicured fingers as possible.”
“You can’t say that clouds will box up the sun forever, Molly. It’s gotta shine sometime, doesn’t it?” Sandy asked, optimism leaking through thick, southern accent.
“It probably won’t,” I sighed. “Not around here, at least.”
“You gloomy Gus!” She slapped my forearm, not hard enough for it to inflict any damage. “I’ve seen the dang sun shine before! It’s not a myth like Nessie! It really exists! And sometimes, it shines nonstop for days, weeks even.”
“But you’re from Alabama, Sandy,” I reminded her. “This is New York, the place where only artificial things like billboards, fireworks, and Broadway shed light on the lives of the workers. It’s all a man-made fantasy, and we live on the dark edge of it.”
“Alabama ain’t as far away as you think. Look.” She stabbed a finger at the cluster of clouds masking the sun, and for just one second, I could’ve sworn I saw a ray of light; gold as honey and warm as fresh pie. “So you best be shutting up right now, Molly. There is hope.”
I brushed off Sandy’s arm and shot her a smirk.
“Yeah. I suppose there is.” My smile fell. “Now go on home, Sandy.”
Though something shimmered in her eyes, she threw me a salute before turning on her heel and marching in the other direction.
“What a loon.” I headed down the street and to my apartment complex.
#
“Anyone home?” I called the second I inserted my key. With a single rotation and the sound of a click, the door flew open, the layer of dust sitting on it flying into the air.
My cry echoed through the narrow hallway. Nothing moved. I shrugged it off and tossed my bag on the desk in the living room; the legs of the table buckled, but held up the weight. A stack of mail peeked out from beneath it. I made a mental note to check them later.
The T.V. was left on, the antennas bent in a position different than the previous day. A commercial advertising a talking doll for kids played across the screen.
“How stupid,” I muttered to myself. “Why can’t people use their brains instead of having the object do it all for them? Give a kid a stick and some pebbles and they’d end up more complex than someone who spent their life talking to a robot doll.”
I pressed the power button on the remote and played some classical music on the I-pod stereo in my room. The stereo set was probably my only valuable possession, money-wise. After joining the orchestra in middle school, I set my mind on getting one. An I-pod may be the stereotype item all teenagers have, but I liked to think of it as a close second to listening to a real concert orchestra. Plus, it could play the songs repeatedly and you don’t even have to pay for another ticket.
The way its silver paneling shined through the windowpanes made me long for it, like it did for all spectators. Perhaps the reason for glass walls is to enhance the appeal of an item. The panes always made what lay behind them seem so miraculous, so impossible to obtain. However, the only way to melt the glass barrier is by coughing up enough cash, and cash isn’t something easy to come by.
How rectangles of paper seem so desirable in the eyes of men and why humanity became desperate to a point of insanity for them amuses me. The founders of it had no intention of their idea leading to people going mad to have the more than the man next to them. Greed poisoned us all, but it’s too late now. Until an antidote is found, the poison will taint us, slowly taking over our minds, hearts, and souls like a shadow.
I poked around the cupboards. I snatched a bag of animal crackers from the top shelf before taking a seat at the desk. Shoving a handful of the frosted cookies into my mouth, I started looking through the mail.
Water bill, electricity bill, rent, pizza ad, complimentary beauty magazine, orchestra performance at town hall, ga-what? I picked up the orchestra advertisement from the “not important” pile and examined it. Orchestra performance at the Town Hall, New York, NY. 7 p.m. Friday, the 10th of December. I wrinkled my nose. $140 minimum for a ticket. That’s absurd!
There were a few more envelopes left in the “not read” stack, including a large, manila envelope, but I threw them back on the desk to check out later.
At the end of the hallway on the right-hand side was my bedroom. I ran toward it; sliding on the rug and leaping into the room with enough eagerness to pass for perky. It wasn’t my style, being carefree. The serious, sassy, or cool girl was usually what they labeled me as. No one knew that deep down I wished I could skip along the street with a smile plastered across my face, not caring about anything except that very moment.
Too bad I was a coward, too much of a wimp that I cared about what others thought of me. Clothes, hobbies, personality; they were all based on whatever fit best to my image, and of course, whatever could win scholarships or earn money.
Propped against the wall at my bedside sat my cello, its glossed wood surface concealed and protected by its cover. I hurdled onto my bed, pressed my face to my pillow, and screamed an ear-piercing shrill. It went like that for around thirty seconds, my contained screech making my pillow go deaf and my legs thrashing around as if I were a fish.
“Okay.” I lifted myself from the bed. “I’m ready.”
I stripped the cello from its case, its polished strings gleaming like liquid gold. Carefully, I took hold of the cello, one hand around its neck and the other supporting the lower bout. I carried it out to the balcony, making sure the tail spike didn’t hit any of the potted plants or scrape against the wood.
Now… I settled myself on one of the patio chairs and positioned my cello. One hand on the fingerboard, the other grasping the bow, I stared out at the horizon peeking behind the other apartment complexes. A single ray of light peered through the crack. I smiled.
“This one’s for you Sandy.” I raised my bow toward the fading sky and closed my eyes. “Don‘t let your light die down.” I began.
The world is different when you add music. Chaos calms, nonsense becomes logic, and the impossible becomes possible. Something about the resonance makes the people stop to listen, whether they be kids on the sidewalk playing jump rope, teens texting on their cell phones, or adults caught up in the fast lane. They always listen, their heartstrings can’t help but be strummed, their spirits can’t break away from the chains. They know it’s in them, but most of them just forgot.
Caressing the strings, the bow glided across bridge like a swan through ocean air. Pulsing palms and skillful fingers danced along the fingerboard with pure delight. I hardly noticed that my foot was tapping or that my body was swaying with the melody, I just knew it was…natural. Each note that flew through the air flowed through my veins, their vibrations taking hold of my soul. I didn’t control music, music controlled me.
As my last note gave its way to silence and the final vibration rolled down the concrete, a new sound filled the air.
Clapping?
It was. Nearby pedestrians of all ages clapped their hands with sincere appreciation. People relaxing on their patios, it seemed like the number had doubled, gave a round of applause. Even those teens with their noses caught up in their cells cheered and the hasty adults in their cars honked.
My cheeks began to redden and my body felt hot.
They were listening?
I grabbed the edges of my skirt and curtseyed before returning inside.
Sandy was right. I set my cello against the wall. Maybe I should start being more optimistic.

(To be continued...)
Last edited by Angels-Symphony on Mon Aug 10, 2009 6:36 am, edited 7 times in total.
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Sun Jul 26, 2009 5:45 pm
Angels-Symphony says...



Hey guys ^^ Just letting you know that I updated this piece with the latest things I've gotten down.
You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself into one.

The writer, when he is also an artist, is someone who admits what others don't dare reveal.
  





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Mon Jul 27, 2009 7:20 pm
*writewatiwant* says...



Hi Shina! This is the first review of your prize; meaning you'll have one more detailed and one more overall review to claim ^^

Nit-picks:


How delightful. I thought.

The first period should be a comma.

I returned to reality and realized what had happened.

Small suggestion: the similarity of 'reality' and 'realized' doesn't do much good here. I think it would run smoother if you replaced 'reality' to something else ;)

Swarms of pedestrians wearing the usual dark coats and shades surged past us like a bees.

Two thing sin this sentence: when I read this it feels like there's a word missing around 'shades'. And you say: a bees. The 'a' isn't needed, or you can change 'bees' to bee, but then it wouldn't make sense since there are a lot of people.

My palms began to pulse and I jolted past the crowd, toward The Meeting Place, within a few minutes.

I suggest you reword this line, because the 'palms pulsing' doesn't sound very good. Try 'sweating' or 'I could feel my pulse on my palms' or something.

By the time Sandy arrived, her head hung over her chest, panting like a dog, I already had my arm propped up against The Meeting Place’s structure.

Turn the bold comma into a semi-colon.

Cody got ya’ some Red Bull and you hid em’ in those sleeves of yours?”

I'm not sure on this once, but I think it should be 'em, since you're abbreviating 'them'.

“Yeah. I supposed there is.” My smile fell. “Now go on home, Sandy.”
Though something shimmered in her eyes, she threw me a salute before turning on her heel and marching in the other direction.
“What a loon.” I headed down the street and to my apartment complex.

“Yeah. I supposed there is.” My smile fell. “Now go on home, Sandy.”
Though something shimmered in her eyes, she threw me a salute before turning on her heel and marching in the other direction.
“What a loon.” I headed down the street and to my apartment complex.

Just to point out you repeated stuff ;)

“Anyone home?” I called the second I inserted my key.

'... the key into the lock.' I know it's pretty obvious; what else would you do to the key? But I think it's worth mentioning, since the line seems incomplete as it is.

I pressed the power button on the remote and played some classical music on the I-pod stereo in my room

Actually, I-pod should be iPod :lol:

How rectangles of paper seem so desirable in the eyes of men and why humanity became desperate to a point of insanity for them amuses me.

You mean like note books and other types of paper? Comma after desperate and insanity.

The founders of it had no intention of their idea leading to people going mad to have the more than the man next to them.

I had to read this sentence three times to understand it completely. Two things: change the 'it' after founders to what it actually is, and cut out the 'the' before more.

At the end of the hallway on the right-hand side was my room.

'On the right-hand' side should be between commas.

Too bad I was a coward, too much of a wimp that I cared about what others thought of me.

'That' should be 'to', oh and cut the 'I' :)

“This one’s for you Sandy.” I raised my toward the fading sky and closed my eyes.

She raised her what? (word missing, I think it's hand ;) )

Characters:
I was bit confused about who they were at first. There's two things I'd like to point out.
One:
We were just street kids to the likes of them; ratty old things covered in filth, clad in apparel from second-rate shops and thrift stores.

This sounds a bit too exaggerated, since she is a person that apparently was an apartment and is no longer a kid, since we know she's older than middle school ;) So, try to clear that up a bit.
Two:
Cody got ya’ some Red Bull and you hid em’ in those sleeves of yours?”

You throw two other characters in here that we don't know anything about.

Plot
It's a bit shaky, but sounds interesting, You left somethings open, which in this case don't draw me in, if ya know what I mean. Like what is the Meeting Place? She doesn't live alone, 'cause she said she was home when she got in the apartment, so with who does she live with? And other things.

Emotion, Imagery and Description
I really liked it here. When you described her playing the cello I couldn't do anything other than relate to it, and feel my piano's keyboard music, my body swinging to its melody, like she was doing with her cello. Great job! Throughout this piece, you described everything very well, since you did not just say it plainly, you added something more to it.

Overall:
I really liked this. The two things you need to look up are the grammar stuff and the questions you leave open that you could explain. Other than that, keep 'em coming!

*Kat*
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Pooh: You don't spell it. You feel it.

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Tue Jul 28, 2009 9:37 am
lilymoore says...



SHINA! I’m totally here…now is when you should totally fear.

A Few Nitpicks

Cody got ya’ some Red Bull and you hid em’ in those sleeves of yours?”


This feels rather incomplete to me but I think it could be fixed very simply, just by adding a comma and “didn’t ya’?” at the end.

She slapped my forearm, not hard enough for it to inflict any damage.


This too feels a bit incomplete. I would maybe add, to the end, the phrase: “but with enough power to make me flinch with its sting.” Or something like that.

“Yeah. I supposed there is.” My smile fell. “Now go on home, Sandy.”
Though something shimmered in her eyes, she threw me a salute before turning on her heel and marching in the other direction.
“What a loon.” I headed down the street and to my apartment complex.


Um…you typed this twice Shina. :D

Plot
I’ve never seen a story quite like this. I mean, sure, people right about the talented poor all of the time, but never have I read about these New York impoverished with such a quirky vibe around them. Make the characters shine. That’s how the story will eventually shine as well.

Missing Details
You give a lot of little things to us. Cody. The Meeting Place. The Greaters. You mention them, then leave us with little to know detail. You have to give us more to keep us invested in the story.

Emotional Connection
I loved the ending for the emotion in it. It’s the same thing Kat said. You’re writing about something a lot of people can relate to: music. I know what it feels like, especially during marching band, to get caught up and loosing myself in the rhythm when we I play my drums. It’s that magical feeling of being the only sound, the only song, on the face of the planet, for even the briefest moment in time. Good job.

~lilymoore
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Sat Aug 01, 2009 5:42 pm
Hawkie says...



Hello, teammate! Looks like I'm _finally_ getting around to reviewing you. ^^

i. Nitpicks

A plume of smoke rose from the dish, lingering in the atmosphere like a volcano’s smoke. Thick, white glaze rolled down the side of the swirl. A stream of drool ran down the corner my chin while a collection of stardust twinkled in Sandy’s eyes.


Oh wow, Shina, such a beginning. ^^ I love the description of the cinnamon roll! (And I don't even like cinnamon rolls). :P *hands cookie*

How delightful. I thought. A treat for the Greats.


You need a comma after "how delightful," not a period.

With our noses pinned to the surface of the glass, we stared, silently,


Should be "we stared silently." No comma needed.

My palms began to pulse and I jolted past the crowd, toward The Meeting Place, within a few minutes.


Hmmm, the "within a few minutes" sounds a bit disjointed from the rest of the sentence. I'd cut it out.

The corner of her lip raisued, revealing a fang.


Typo: "raised," not "raisued."

"Revealing a fang." A fang? O_o What, is she like a vampire or something? That confuses me muchly. :P

Cody got ya’ some Red Bull and you hid em’ in those sleeves of yours?”


The apostrophe always goes in place of the missing letters: thus, 'em instead of em'. "Ya" doesn't need an apostrophe at all.

Behind Sandy, Tom Sr. was hovering over the rusted stair, a collection of bread crumbs and pigeons in his hand. Ever since I was a little girl, the bond between Tom Sr. and the pigeons of New York amazed me. Even when provisions weren’t at hand, the birds would flock to him, much like the underprivileged and deprived that visited him.


Describe Tom Sr. a bit more for me. I'm curious about him. How old is he, what does he look like? Is he kind or sharp with the Meeting Place's recurring visitors?

“Depressing overcast eating up the sun and shadows rising from the factory tubes, ” I snorted.


This line of dialogue feels . . . awkward. I mean, would someone really describe the weather like that?

“But you’re from Alabama, Sandy,” I reminded her. “This is New York, the place where only artificial things like billboards, fireworks, and Broadway shed light on the lives of the workers. It’s all a man-made fantasy, and we live on the dark edge of it.”


Again, this is too flowery and wordy to be dialogue. I'd cut it down to something a bit more down-to-earth, or just take it out of dialogue and put it in the prose.

“Yeah. I supposed there is.” My smile fell. “Now go on home, Sandy.”
Though something shimmered in her eyes, she threw me a salute before turning on her heel and marching in the other direction.
“What a loon.” I headed down the street and to my apartment complex.


:P You typed this twice! ^_^

My cry echoed through the narrow hallway.


I think "shout" would be a better noun here. "Cry" sounds like a cry of pain.

The T.V. was left on, the antennas bent in a position different than the previous day.


You need a semicolon in place of the comma.

I poked around the cupboards. I snatched a bag of animal crackers from the top shelf before taking a seat at the desk.


You begin a sentence with "I" twice in a row. Change that.

Orchestra performance at the Town Hall, New York, NY. 7 p.m. Friday, the 10th of December. I wrinkled my nose. $140 minimum for a ticket. That’s absurd!


The italics are messed up here. I don't think you meant for "I wrinkled my nose" to be italicized. ^_^

including a large, manila envelope,


Don't need the comma.

“This one’s for you Sandy.”


Should be "This one's for you, Sandy."

, I just knew it was…natural.


Ellipsis needs to be spaced out. ". . ."

Each note that flew through the air flowed through my veins, their vibrations taking hold of my soul. I didn’t control music, music controlled me.


I love this description. *cookie for you*

People relaxing on their patios, it seemed like the number had doubled, gave a round of applause.


I'd use the dash instead of the comma. "People relaxing on their patios - it seemed like the number had doubled - gave around of applause."

ii. Characters
The MC, to me, seems a little self-contradictary. First she seems like an average street kid. Then we see that she's got more to her, and I like that. What bothers me is that she describes herself as being happy and perky, but then goes on to scream into her pillow and say that she needs to be more optimistic. I know that you can be a pessimist and still be a happy person (like myself) but this was just a bit confusing.
I really liked Sandy's personality. ^_^ Nice job with her.

iii. Dialogue
Like I said before, the dialogue seems a little flowery and overblown. Especially since these kids are at the bottom end of the food chain, if you will. Something tells me they wouldn't talk like that.
I liked the interaction between the MC and Sandy. I'd like to see more of their friendship later on.

iv. Overall
This was pretty good, and I like the plot, but I think you need to work on your style and voice a little more. Make it sound more like a young adult living in New York. Especially since it's in first person, the tone should be conversational and accessible.

Oh yeah, and "I-pod" should be "iPod." Kat pointed that out, but I thought I would too.
That was a good read. ^_^ Cookies for you!

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Mon Aug 03, 2009 5:00 pm
Carlito says...



Sorry it took so long, but here's your review! :)

angels-symphony wrote: A plume of smoke rose from the dish, lingering in the atmosphere like a volcano’s smoke. Thick, white glaze rolled down the side of the swirl. A stream of drool ran down the corner my chin while a collection of stardust twinkled in Sandy’s eyes.

Wonderful description. :)

angels-symphony wrote:as the suited customer stabbed a fork into the pastry.

'the suited customer' puzzles me. I've never heard of 'suited' before. Does that refer to a person wearing a suit? (I feel kind of dumb right now.... :)) It doesn't really fit for me.

angels-symphony wrote:The corner of her lip raisued, revealing a fang.

Did you mean 'raised' instead of 'raiued'?
She has fangs? Or do you just mean like her canine tooth?

angels-symphony wrote:Ever since I was a little girl, the bond between Tom Sr. and the pigeons of New York amazed me.

:D

angels-symphony wrote:“You can’t say that clouds will box up the sun forever, Molly. It’s gotta shine sometime, doesn’t it?”

Great line.

angels-symphony wrote:I made a mental note to check them later.

I think 'them' should be 'it'.

angels-symphony wrote: Give a kid a stick and some pebbles and they’d end up more complex than someone who spent their life talking to a robot doll.”

That is very true.

angels-symphony wrote: The way its silver paneling shined through the windowpanes made me long for it. Perhaps the reason for glass walls is to enhance the appeal of an item. The panes always made what lay behind them seem so miraculous, so impossible to obtain. The way the objects twinkled in light make spectators long for them. However, the only way to melt the glass barrier is by coughing up enough cash, and cash isn’t something easy to come by.

Good description here too. :)

When I first started reading this I thought it was set maybe during the depression or something and I had the image of two really dirty, ratty looking girls standing outside a shiny shop window. :)
I like your characters. I don't feel like I'm best friends with them or anything yet, but so far I like them and feel for them. They're really good well-rounded characters. I really like that even though she's poor, she can find the money to get the things that she really loves, like music.
Your descriptions are unreal. :) I can picture these scenes so well, I love it!
I'm interested to see where this goes. :)

-Carly
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