Dragonstar - Chapter 3

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EDITED 27/07/09 (Taking into account feedback)

Previously - 15-year-old Trace Ellison, a young half-elf thief working for the Jurrika City thieve's guild, has been caught withholding some of the guild's cut. As punishment, he is ordered to break into the penthouse of Lord Korodo, a half-dragon noble, and steal his new luxury jumpcraft. He has no choice but to accept. What he doesn't know is that he is being used indirectly by the Imperial Special Police Directorate to bypass the penthouse's security system. The ISPD are planning an assassination attempt and need someone to take the fall. With a juvenile record a mile long, Trace is the perfect fall guy. However, things don't go quite according to plan for neither the ISPD nor Trace.

-----

Swallowing his pride, Trace got up into a crouch and ran across the gap between the two jumpers, blaster bolts striking the concrete floor behind him. Firing his blaster wildly, the boy dove into the back seat.

“Move over scale face,” Trace said as he clambered into the front, “I'll drive.” Although he bristled at the racial slur, Korodo nonetheless relinquished the driver's seat to Trace and climbed over onto the passenger seat.

“Be my guest squirt, she won’t start.”

“Course not,” Trace said, punching the keypad, “I reprogrammed the start code, it’s easier than hotwiring it.” Trace quickly started the jumpcraft, and seeing the display lights shining a solid green, wasted no time in accelerating out of the garage as the assassins sprayed the back of the jumper with blaster fire. Fortunately, the jumper’s bodywork was made of a special material designed to be impervious to personal blaster fire.

Streaking out into the cityscape, it took all of Trace's concentration to weave in and out of the heavy traffic. A collision at these speeds and at this altitude would be fatal. He was dodging under a large commercial jumpcraft when twin bolts of plasma skimmed the sides of the jumpcraft and plunged into the trailer of the commercial jumpcraft, detonating its cargo in a massive fireball. Korodo and Trace whipped their heads around to look at the falling flaming wreckage just in time to see two jumpers burst through the smoke in pursuit, both sporting plasma cannons.

“We've got company!” Screamed Korodo as the jumpers gained ground and began to spray the air around the jumpcraft with plasma. The half-dragon leaned forward and pressed a small red button on the dashboard.

“I know, I know!” Trace yelled back as he jinked the jumpcraft around a third jumper that appeared from the canyon like gap between two megalithic skyscrapers. Within seconds, they had all three jumpers hot on their tail in an aerial chase, weaving between skyscrapers and other vehicles in a deadly dance. A glob of plasma from one of the chasing jumpers sheared off the port thruster pod, a few inches to the right and it might have taken off one of their heads. As the engine spiralled away to crash into a building, the jumpcraft lurched as Trace tried to correct for the imbalance in the thrust. “Crap they got one of the engines,” muttered Trace. The boy was staring straight ahead, eyes fixed on the area ahead of them, his mind plotting multiple escape routes. He refused to think about how close that plasma bolt had come. This was supposed to be a simple boost, no one was supposed to get hurt.

Korodo's scales flushed red and he turned to face the chasing jumpers. “Stop blowing holes in my jumper!” He roared. “And you,” he said turning to Trace, “fly faster, you're supposed to be a jumper thief aren't you? Well fly like one.”

“Will you just shut up and let me drive!” Trace snapped as Korodo pulled a brace of clips from the glove compartment. Slapping a clip into the socket, he took aim at the pursuing craft. As one the jumpers jockeyed for a firing position, Korodo fired. The gyrojet stuck the side of the jumper, just behind the cockpit. It was a glancing strike however, the round ricocheting as it struck the armour plating.

Trace flipped the jumpcraft on its side, banking it violently around a tight corner. Narrowly missing a pedestrian bridge spanning the gap between two skyscrapers. Behind them, plasma fire stitched across the side of an office block. Korodo slammed to the side, almost dropping the pistol overboard. Cursing, he braced himself and took aim again only to have his shot ruined as the jumpcraft dove into the skeletal structure of a half-completed tower, weaving between girders and cross bracing struts. “Keep her steady, I can't get a clear shot!” Korodo yelled over his shoulder.

“If I give you a clear shot, I'm giving them one as well and they have considerably better guns than that peashooter of yours.” Trace yelled back. He held on to the controls with one hand, using the other to wipe away blood from his eye that was dribbling down from a cut on his forehead.

“Err ... keep up the good flying kid. Don't let them get a bead on us.”

With the three jumpers still on their tail, Trace piloted the jumpcraft through the mammoth building site. A new arcology complex was under construction, the whole site a hive of activity twenty four hours a day. As the jumpcraft streaked through the site, Trace spotted an opportunity ahead. “Hey, crane load at 12 o’clock,” he called out to Korodo. The half-dragon looked where Trace was pointing and grinned, realising instantly what the boy’s idea was. Korodo took careful aim at the chains holding the stack of pipes together as the crane lifted them and fired. The gyrojet round struck dead on target, snapping the chain and sending the pipes tumbling to the ground just as the enemy jumpers passed beneath them. One of the jumpers was obliterated instantly, destroyed by the bulk of the pipes pulverising its front half and detonating its fuel cell. A second jumper collided with the debris of the first, spinning out of control and crashing into an electricity substation. With a flare, the power died plunging the entire area into darkness. The only exceptions were the few towers with their own generators.

“Got the suckers!” He yelled, watching the two jumpcraft explode in the rear view mirror. His elation was cut short however, flaming debris from the first jumper rained down on to the construction site sending workers scurrying for cover. That’s my fault, he realised sinking into his seat, I told the scale face to do that.

Looking back at the carnage, Korodo grimaced when he saw the scale of the damage. “Kid, take us up out of the cityscape, we’re putting innocent people at risk.”

“Buckle in,” Trace said as he secured his own seatbelt. He waited for a few seconds for Korodo to do the same before turning to the half-dragon, smiling as he did so. “Hold on.” Before Korodo had time to answer, Trace threw the jumpcraft into a vertical dive. Despite himself, Korodo let out a scream as the jumpcraft fell through several intersecting layers of traffic.

“Are you trying to get us killed? I said take us up, not down.”

“YES!” Trace yelled, glaring at Korodo, “my lifelong goal is to die aged 15 in a horrific jumper crash while being chased by gun wielding psychos who want the arrogant noble in the passenger seat dead.” As he yelled, Korodo started pointing out the front windscreen. “As you can see, I’ve had a real bad day. Now if you’ve finished giving orders, Your Highness, kindly shut up and let me get on with saving our collective asses.”

“Kid?” Korodo asked meekly.

“WHAT?” He asked, still glaring at the half-dragon.

“The Ground?”

“Oh,” Trace said his attention snapping foward, “shiv!” Pulling back hard on the controls, Trace pulled the jumpcraft out of the dive. The sudden strain sent a spasm of pain shooting down his arm from the blaster wound causing him to wince.

Skimming along the ground a few metres above the heads of scattering pedestrians, the commercial buildings were nothing more than a blur as they whipped by. Carefully, Trace piloted the speeding jumpcraft into a deepening trench down which ran a pair of magrail tracks. Korodo watched in horror as Trace piloted the jumpcraft down the trench, parallel to a speeding maglev. Passengers pressed against the windows of the maglev as the jumpcraft passed by. Gritting his teeth in determination, Trace ignored Korodo’s protests and pushed the throttle all the way open. The jumpcraft surged forward as the trench swept around a wide corner towards a pair of tunnel openings. Behind them, the assassin’s jumper dropped down into the trench, following them close behind and lining up a shot. Ahead of them, a pair of lights from the oncoming tunnel heralded the arrival of a rapidly approaching maglev. With seconds to spare, Trace swerved in front of the maglev slotting the jumpcraft into the tunnel entrance as the oncoming maglev rushed out of its tunnel. With both tunnels blocked, the assassin’s jumper pulled up sharply, narrowly avoiding smashing into the trench walls or pedestrian walkways.

Whooping in triumph and pumping his first, Trace piloted the jumpcraft through the tunnel one-handed. Korodo punched him on the arm, “Great Father, you’re insane.”

“Relax,” Trace said, wincing slightly. Korodo’s punch had stuck him right on his blaster wound. “We lost them didn’t we?”

“No I won’t ‘relax’, you’re reckless and dangerous,” Korodo said as they exited the tunnel and anonymously joined the traffic flow. “You put hundreds of lives at risk with stunt of yours; do you have any idea just how stupid that was?”

Trace didn’t answer, instead he stared straight ahead, his mouth a thin line of growing anger and his knuckles white as he gripped the controls. Who did this guy think he is? He had just saved both of their lives, and it wasn’t as if it was his fault that those guys were trying to kill them was it? He wasn’t the one firing plasma weapons blindly in public. But there he was, lecturing him like ... like some sort of arrogant noble.

He jerked the controls to the left, setting the jumpcraft down in an alleyway. Before the half-dragon had a chance to continue berating him, he pulled the blaster pistol he had tucked into the front of his pants and stuck it in Korodo’s side. “Get out,” he hissed. Korodo looked down at the boy, seeing nothing but hatred and anger in his eyes.

“What do you think you are doing?” He asked carefully.

“Perhaps it didn’t penetrate that thick skull of yours earlier,” Trace said, keeping the pistol trained on Korodo as he reluctantly got out of the jumpcraft. “I told you, I’m stealing your jumper.”

As Trace gunned the engine, preparing to take off, Korodo leaned in towards the boy. “So, you’re just going to leave me here?” Trace seemed to hesitate a second, his instincts conflicted, before his face hardened, his eyes now devoid of any trace of childish innocence. Fishing in his pocket, he pulled out a comm and tossed it to the half-dragon.

“Call someone who cares.” The jumpcraft tore out of the alley, rising up to join the westbound traffic lanes. Left behind in the alley, Korodo watched as the jumpcraft disappeared from view. Looking down at the comm, he dialled a number and waited for an answer.

----

Caldrin sat at the controls of the assault jumper and banged the dashboard in frustration. The operation had deteriorated, and then finally collapsed into utter failure. He had lost one assault team during the botched attack on the penthouse. Then he had lost two of his best pilots during the chase across the city before finally losing his quarry at the magrail tunnels. By the time he had circled around to the exit, Korodo and the boy were long gone.

He was still contemplating the consequences of his failure, hovering stationary beside an advertising board, when a familiar looking jumpcraft flew in front him; flying along on only one intact thruster. Caldrin could not believe his luck, right in front of him was the target, completely unaware that Caldrin had spotted him.

The drow slowly manoeuvred his jumper a few vehicles behind the target and began to follow him. As he concentrated on the target, his heart sank when he realised that Lord Korodo was not in the jumpcraft, only the guild thief. They must have parted ways somewhere between the tunnel and the time that Caldrin had reacquired his quarry. If this mission was to be salvaged in any way, he had to find out where the boy had dropped off Korodo.

With the resources of the Imperial Special Police Directorate at his disposal, he could blanket Jurrika City with satellite surveillance but even with all the technological and magical knowledge that the Dragon Empire possessed, located a specific individual amongst the tens of millions that inhabited the city would be impossible. If he could narrow the search to a specific area of the city, it would increase the chances of located him. Should the boy choose not to cooperate, that decision would cost the boy dearly. Part of Caldrin hoped that the boy would be stubborn, after what had happened he wasn’t in a very forgiving mood.
Last edited by blaster219 on Sun Jul 26, 2009 11:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Heroes get shot, stabbed, burned, bludgeoned, poisoned, infected, disintegrated, irradiated, electrocuted, exposed to vacuum and fall from great heights. Being a hero is a tough job."
- Alternity GMG, Chapter 6 (Damage and Injury)




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All right, first things first...

Your paragraphs are massive. Especially on the computer, it's a headache to read; I'm sure they can be split up at portions to make it easier on readers.

I haven't read the other portions yet, but I see you've helpfully included a "previously on..." blurb, so that should be enough to guide me in reviewing this piece. ^^

Firing his blaster wildly, the boy dived into the back seat.


Now, I'm uncertain about this, but I think "dove" works better in this context then "dive".

“Move over scale face,” Trace said


This is more a matter of personal taste than anything, but I prefer it when there should be a comma between the phrase and the name of the person being addressed. So comma after "over". But like I said, it's not a grammar rule so much as personal taste.

“Course not,” Trace said punching the keypad


This, on the other hand, needs a comma between "said" and "punching".

Within seconds, they had all three jumpers hot on their tail in an aerial chase over 400 metres above the ground and at speeds over 300 kilometres per hour,


Is this information really necessary? It sounds too...technical...and ruins the flow of the exciting chase scene you've got going on.

weaving between skyscrapers and other vehicles in a deadly dance.


I like the imagery here.

A glob of plasma from one of the chasing jumpers sheared off the port thruster pod, a few inches to the right and it might have taken off one of their heads.


I noticed this about the fireball scene before, but it seems odd to describe something like this without showing the characters' reactions. What does Trace feel about this close call? Panic? Does his heart start racing? Give us the characters' reactions and we'll be able to connect with them better.

“And you,” he said turning to Trace, “fly faster, you're supposed to be a jumper thief aren't you? Well fly like one.”


Missing commas...put one between "thief" and "aren't", and one between "Well" and "fly".

Will you just shut up and let me drive!” Trace snapped


Hahahaha, I like this. Funny, and an indication of Trace's character to boot.

The gyrojet stuck the side of the jumper, just behind the cockpit.


Gyrojet?

Trace flipped the jumpcraft on its side as he banked it violently around a tight corner.


I notice you really like this construction. "Blank did this as another blank did that". Though it's fine one or two times, doing it this often becomes monotonous.

A new arcology complex was under construction, the whole site a hive of activity 24 hours a day.


Write "twenty-four" out.

On a rather irrevelant note, I feel happy that I actually know what arcology means. XD

jumpcraft streaked through the site, Trace spotted an opportunity ahead. “Hey, crane load at 12 o’clock,” he called out to Korodo. The half-dragon looked where Trace was pointing and grinned, realising instantly what the boy’s idea was. Korodo took careful aim at the chains holding the stack of pipes together as the crane lifted them and fired. The gyrojet round struck dead on target, snapping the chain and sending the pipes tumbling to the ground just as the enemy jumpers passed beneath them. One of the jumpers was obliterated instantly, destroyed by the bulk of the pipes pulverising its front half and detonating its fuel cell. A second jumper collided with the debris of the first, spinning out of control and crashing into an electricity substation. With a flare, the power died plunging the entire area into darkness. The only exceptions were the few towers with their own generators. Flaming debris from the first jumper rained down on to the construction site sending workers scurrying for cover.


All this happening, yet Trace doesn't react to it? I feel detached because it's like I'm watching this in a movie, instead of actually being there. I understand the temptation to describe actiony scenes without caring about the characters' thoughts, but trust me, the writing will be much more engaging if you pull your viewpoint character into the descriptions. You don't even have to say "Trace felt this or that"; just in the connotations of the words you use we'll be able to gauge his reaction to what's happening.

For example, if he was excited he'd probably call the fire a "glory blaze", but refer to it as something inferal or evil if he was horrified.

Looking back at the carnage, Korodo grimaced when he saw the scale of the damage. “Kid, take us up out of the cityscape, we’re putting innocent people at risk.”


Nice way of showing Korodo's character without telling.

“YES!” Trace yelled glaring at Korodo, “my lifelong goal is to die aged 15 in a horrific jumper crash while being chased by gun wielding psychos who want the arrogant noble in the passenger seat dead.” As he yelled, Korodo started pointing out the front windscreen. “As you can see, I’ve had a real bad day. Now if you’ve finished giving orders, Your Highness, kindly shut up and let me get on with saving our collective asses.”


I'm not fond of capitals in dialogue (you should only be able to pull it off if your name is "JK Rowling"...). Italicizing it will emphasis it just as well.

I do love this paragraph for showing us Trace's characters, and finally showing that maybe he is a tad stressed by everything that's happened. Before, he's been handling everything rather coolly, so it's nice to see him break down a bit.

I still wish for some more insight into his thought process, however. He is the viewpoint character, isn't he?

“Oh,” Trace said nonchalantly, “that.”


Ugh, I don't like this much. After his rant earlier, this feels like too big of a mood whiplash, and unrealistic as well. Now I can't sympathize with Trace any longer because he's being so damnably calm about something he really shouldn't.

The sudden strain sent a spasm of pain shooting down his arm from the blaster wound causing him to wince.


I get the feeling that this is the first time we're told what Trace is feeling. I'd like more lines like this that get inside his head at least a tad.

With a determined expression on his face, Trace ignored Korodo’s protests and pushed the throttle all the way open.


This, on the other hand, disengages me even more. Now it feels like I'm watching a movie and seeing Trace's determined expression. If you really want him to be your viewpoint character, write this from his perspective, not some random watcher's. Have him grit his teeth in determination or something of the sort.

“No I won’t ‘relax’, you’re reckless and dangerous,” Korodo lectured sternly as they exited the tunnel and anonymously joined the traffic flow. “


Oh no, it's the dreaded "Character dialogue-tagged adverbly" construction! Everyone's a victim at least once (me included...) simply because it's so easy. But it's lazy. We already know that Korodo is lecturing sternly from the content of his speech, so there's no need to pound it in our heads further. Remove the dialogue tag entirely.

Trace didn’t answer, instead he stared straight ahead, his mouth a thin line of growing anger and his knuckles white as he gripped the controls.


I'd like to know what Trace's reaction to being yelled at is. Is he angry, or does he see that Korod has a point?

He jerked the controls to the left, setting the jumpcraft down in an alleyway. Before the half-dragon had a chance to continue berating him, he pulled the blaster pistol he had tucked into the front of his pants and stuck it in Korodo’s side. “Get out,” he hissed angrily. Korodo looked down at the boy, seeing nothing but hatred and anger in his eyes.

“What do you think you are doing?” He asked carefully.

“Perhaps it didn’t penetrate that thick skull of yours earlier,” Trace said, keeping the pistol trained on Korodo as he reluctantly got out of the jumpcraft. “I told you, I’m stealing your jumper.”


This entire exchange is making me hate Trace even more, which is bad since he is supposed to be the hero. He's coming across as an adrenaline junkie sociopath. Which is fine--the Dexter books star a serial killer as a hero!--but we need to be able to care for this adrenaline junkie sociopath. You're probably getting tired of me repeating this, but I'll repeat it because it's integral: We need to be able to get inside Trace's head. We need to understand his reasons, at least, for behaving like an adrenaline junkie sociopath. What is he thinking while he's doing all this? Right now it seems he's doing it just to be a dick, which does not endear readers any more to him.

It's telling that I'd rather read more about Korodo as of now instead of Trace. At least the half-dragon is coming across as much more likeable.

Caldrin sat at the controls of the assault jumper and banged the dashboard in frustration. The operation had deteriorated, and then finally collapsed into utter failure. He had lost one assault team during the botched attack on the penthouse. Then he had lost two of his best pilots during the chase across the city before finally losing his quarry at the magrail tunnels. By the time he had circled around to the exit, Korodo and the boy were long gone.


See? Like this! You're getting us into Caldrin's head, showing us what he's thinking. Thus, even though he's probably supposed to be a villain, you're getting us to care about him. From this one paragraph alone I already like Caldrin a lot more than Trace, because I can at least empathize with him.

The drow slowly manoeuvred his jumper a few vehicles behind the target and began to follow him.


Drow?

Also, this entire paragraph is eye-achingly huge. Please split it.

With the resources of the Imperial Special Police Directorate at his disposal, he could blanket Jurrika City with satellite surveillance but even with all the technological and magical knowledge that the Dragon Empire possessed, located a specific individual amongst the tens of millions that inhabited the city would be impossible.


First of all, this sentence is a mouthful. I'd say make a full stop after "surveillance" and turn the rest into its own sentence.

This is probably just a typo, but I think "located" should be "locating".

Part of Caldrin hoped that the boy would be stubborn, after what had happened he wasn’t in a very forgiving mood.


More insight into Caldrin's thought process! Obviously, you're perfectly capable of doing it, so try applying it more to Trace's narration.

Overall thoughts:

If you weren't able to tell from the nitpicking, my hugest problem with this piece was that I couldn't connect with Trace. He seemed to have no reasons at all for doing anything, besides being an adrenaline junkie sociopath. If you don't intend to characterize him that way, then you'd best salvage his character quickly--have him treat Korodo a little more mercifully, for example. If that's what you were aiming for, bravo, but either way, we still need to be able to know what he's thinking. I pointed out examples from Caldrin's narration; in that final, brief little scene, I was able to connect to a character more than I could in the rest of the chapter. Because I knew what Caldrin was thinking. Because of that, he came across as a real person to me, with real thoughts and desires. Right now, Trace is an actor on a movie screen to me. Someone I'm watching do all this without understanding in the least.

Prose becomes much more engaging when you factor a character's feelings into it. Keep that in mind.

I did like this--I really love the world you've set up, especially its bizarre, but strangely sensical, blend of science fiction and fantasy. You didn't infodump either, which is a wonderful blessing considerng how many scifi and fantasy stories I've read on here which are less stories than massive paragraphs of exposition. Little details like arcologies, magrail, and the description of the traffic helped build up the world in a way that felt natural. It's clear that you've thought this world well out; none of your details feel uncertain or contradict each other. I commend you greatly for that. ^^

Your prose was also engaging and clear, except in the few instances where you were missing commas, and worked especially well to create snappy action scenes. Since I'm horrible with action scenes, I was sitting back open-mouthed in awe when I read your chase scenes. I could picture the entire scene in my head and it got just the right amount of adrenaline pumping in me. The only thing that could make it better is if you factored Trace's emotions and thoughts more into the action, because at times I felt more like I was watching a movie than being in the middle of the action myself.

One last thing--like I said earlier, your paragraphs could get long. So could your sentences. Some of the more actiony scenes could be helped along with shorter, snappier sentences instead of the long-winded ones you favor. The prose was clear enough so that I could always tell what was going on, but shorter sentences wouldn't hurt.

Finally, I'd like to see some consequences for all the destruction Trace has wrought. I'm sick of action movies where the heroes wreak devastation but never get more than a slap on the wrist. Trace has caused tons of property damage and put innocent lives at risk; it wouldn't make sense if the city government didn't at least want to punish him for it.

Whew...sorry for getting long-winded. All in all, you've got a good idea going on here, and I'm interested in seeing more. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to PM me. ^^

Best of luck in your endeavors!
Ah, it is an empty movement. That is an empty movement. It is.




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Thanks for the comments.

I'll read through and digest them later, there's a lot of them :-)

But to answer a few specific points:

A gryojet is a gun that fires spin-stablised rocket propelled rounds. This is explained (briefly) in the previous chapter.

A drow is, I suppose, a Dungeons and Dragons specific term for a dark elf. Since this story grew out of a DnD campaign (the characters are similar but the story is entirely different) I guess that explains the use of DnD terminology. I should probably go back and and explain what a drow is better.

Trace's personaility in this chapter is very much his "game face", the way he acts when he's on a job. As depicted in the previous chapter, he's been ordered to steal this jumper by the Guild Master, effectively on "pain of death". With everything that's gone wrong, I think its understandable he's a little harsh. But you're right, I need to make this clearer. He's not an amoral sociopath. just someone put in a very bad situation, over his head, and coping the only way he knows how.

In contrast, the first chapter does show that he has a softer side.

When I get a chance, I'll go back and see about putting more stuff in about what the boy is feeling at various points. However I wrote this in April 08 and I've already got three more chapters finished after this one. It takes me a while to write stuff, and it doesn't help that I'm splitting my time between two other stories. Any changes I make have to be consistent and not contradict what's in the following three.

Your point about consequences is an interesting one, and I admit it didn't occur to me until now. You're absolutely right, there should be some comeback for the carnage. I don't know how to include it at the moment, maybe one of the character's catches part of a news broadcast or something.
"Heroes get shot, stabbed, burned, bludgeoned, poisoned, infected, disintegrated, irradiated, electrocuted, exposed to vacuum and fall from great heights. Being a hero is a tough job."
- Alternity GMG, Chapter 6 (Damage and Injury)



Ogres are like onions.
— Shrek