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Wyndolyn



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102 Reviews



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Sun Jul 12, 2009 8:00 pm
DakotaK says...



Wyndolyn could feel the blood trickling down her back as her legs pounded out a furious tattoo on the winter-hard forest floor. She blinked, clearing the blurriness from her violet eyes as she struggled to keep her trembling legs steady beneath her. Gasping for the breath that had deserted her long ago she forced herself to keep running. She struggled to push the memory that haunted her every thought as far away from her mind as possible, but still, it was imprinted so deeply on her soul she knew she could never forget.

- - -

“Wyn!”
The beautiful elven girl lifted her head to watch the newcomer, a shimmering gleam of happiness flickering across her amethyst eyes. She smoothed the wrinkles out of her pale luncheon dress and shifted the brilliant violet colored hair cascading down her shoulder’s to lay flat across her back.
“Didn’t I tell you to inform Gabriel that you would not be able to be seeing him today?” A voice growled. But Wyndolyn didn’t reply to the silver haired man who sat across the small marble table from her looking for all the world as if he had never smiled once in his life. A delicate golden crown sat across his brow, his pointed ears just touching the base of the golden wonder and he wore a brilliant leather dueling suit, encasing his strong body like a brown shell.
“Answer me Wyndolyn!” The elven princess sighed at last and turned away from watching the dirt trail across the royal grounds where a young male elf was jogging along hurriedly, waving brightly toward Wyndolyn’s direction, his long black hair flying out behind him like a mane.
“Yes Father. I told him.” She stated curtly, her gaze steeled against the Kings. “But words do not control a man . . . ” she raised an eyebrow ever so slightly, “obviously.”
A red rouge of rage covered the man’s face as he clenched his teeth in anger. Before he could say anything though Wyndolyn rose to her feet, her beautiful silk garment falling about her delicate frame, as the tassels of her diamond head piece swept across her long hair, gleaming in the sun.
The pair of royalty had chosen to dine in the warmth of the sun on a small pavilion amidst the castles magnificent rose gardens. Though against her will that she was here, Wyndolyn was glad that she now had no one to divert her from leaving the castle, the garden was guard-less.
“I will see you at dinner this evening Father . . . I suppose it would displease you for me to miss the banquet you have prepared for my birthday.” Wyndolyn nodded and with a hurried sigh she took off down the short flight of stairs to flee across the garden toward where Gabriel was waiting for her at the iron wrought fence.
“Wyn! I thought you’d never get away from the old geezer, gosh! I mean I thought-” Gabriel stopped mid sentence as his golden eyes met with Wyn’s own and a chill passed through his body. “What’s wrong Wyn? What happened!?” The elf shoved the gate open and rushed to where Wyn had stopped, tears gliding down her face. He stopped before her, reaching to envelope her in a hug.
Wyndolyn pushed him off, striding towards the open gate as she wiped the tears away and spoke gently. “Not here Gabriel, my father’s watching. There is much I must tell you... but not here.”

- - -

The cool forest whispered darkly of secrets long hidden as the breeze swept through the various tree’s leaves and branches, dancing with the small wood sprites sitting hidden atop the tree’s. At the base of a large oak, concealed in the huge roots, lay the two young elves, hidden from the world.
Gabriel leaned against the sturdy trunk, his eyes pressed tightly closed in thought as he ran his fingers through Wyn’s long hair. She lay sobbing quietly across his lap, her tears flowing gently across her beautiful face.
At last Gabriel broke the lengthy silence and Wyn sat up. “We can’t just stay here forever Wyn. There’s only one thing we can do. You have to tell your father... and even if he outcasts us... at least we’ll be together.” Wyn shook her head, reaching a trembling hand out to run it along Gabriel’s smooth cheek.
“No Gabriel... My father will kill you without a second thought and I will be forced to marry into the allegiance he has planned for me since the day I was born. If he’s learned that. . . that we’re married there is no telling what he will be capable of doing. . .” The two elves stared into each others eyes for a long while.
“I will run Gabriel... I must leave you for now. It is the only thing that will keep us alive. One day I’m sure of it we will be reunited.” She reached into a blue leather satchel that sat alongside her and raised a diamond sphere to Gabriel’s eyes. The ball glittered in the dappled light of the forest and Wyn smiled softly. “I’ve seen our reunion...” Gabriel nodded, closing his hands over Wyn’s tightly.
“I trust you Wyn, you’re Sight has never lied to you in the past. I will travel with you to the dock... and know in my heart you promised that we would be reunited... I will be dying a little everyday that you are not with me Wyn. . . you know that don’t you?” Wyn nodded bitterly, the tears falling once more as she fell into Gabriel’s arm’s, her heart breaking.

- - -

Falling into a trembling heap Wyn felt the blood pooling around her. She could hear the sounds of the baying hounds and knew that they weren’t that far away. Soon they would find her. Either they would kill her or worse they would drag her back to her father to be married to a man she did not love.
It had not gone as planned, not at all. Gabriel had been taking her to the dock where she would take the Vessel to the Gateway where she could at last be free of her father’s grasp. But then they had been over taken by Hunter’s her father had sent after them. Wyn had been badly injured but only thanks to Gabriel’s cunning mind and fast work managed to escape. She had last seen him bound with roped cutting into his flesh and a gag choking his words.
Wyn tried to raise her head but found she had lost the strength even for that. She could feel someone touching her back, feeling the long spear wound that had been sliced across the back of her rib cage. She was so unconscious she could hardly care. But then she could feel she was being gently lifted and as a light flashed across her blurry vision she heard the sound of a nearby river flowing softly and the pain in her back subsided as she was carefully placed in a wooden casket and gently rocked to sleep.

- - -

Wyn sat up startled. She realized the constant rocking that had enveloped her had stopped suddenly and an unnatural silence filled her world, broken only by the gentle sound of waves against the sides of beautifully crafted Vessel she had been lain in. Wyn gasped as she turned her eyes away from the black waters of the Endless River, realizing at last where she was.
“Hmm-hmm.” a small child like laugh filled the quiet chamber and Wyn at last noticed a small child wearing a green traveling cloak and holding a small glowing candle watching her. Her golden hair gleamed in the candle light and her intelligent eyes shone as she watched Wyn struggle to stand and join her on the solid ground.
Wyn was transfixed with what she saw as she came to stand beside the small child. Before her rose a huge stone cavern filled with all the colors of the rainbow as they leaked across the stalagmites like paint. The stalagmites themselves wound throughout the cave like carefully carved banisters and beams, spiraling downwards towards the rich earth of the cave floor like daggers. Crystals of varying colors rose out of the ground like grass and a path wound through them, leading deeper into the large grotto.
Wyn realized that the cave was aglow with energy, as if it was alive, pulsing slightly. Peering deeper into the cave she notice many crevasses and openings, hollows and tunnels. Her eyes widened as she watched the stars twinkling through one, and as her vision cleared she saw a distant land of greenery and waterfall through another one. As her eyes scanned the beautiful scene before her she saw world upon world shimmering through the various portals.
“I-I never imagined the Gateway could possibly be anything like this.” Wyn whispered reverently, realizing she still held her diamond orb carefully in one of her hands.
“Yes. . . it is amazing Wyn. Isn’t it?” Wyn smiled as she looked through the orb at the child standing there. She no longer saw the small girl but a tall and beautiful goddess standing before her. Her golden hair flowing around her body and the deep blue dress she wore.
“Why did you save me Valixy? Why was I so deserving of your heroism?” Wyn asked quietly, watching the goddess carefully.
“Because you are special Wyndolyn, very special. . . but right now you must make the choice to journey down the pathway and into your own world. . . you must choose.” Wyndolyn sighed as she lowered the orb and stared into the many different worlds before her.
“But which one?” Valixy smiled as she raised the orb once more to Wyn’s eyes.
Wyn watched as a small image began to move across the seeing orb and she suddenly realized she was watching herself in a different world. She was standing in a large autumn filled forest. But more importantly she was standing beside Gabriel, together once more. The image cleared and Wyn lowered the sphere, the world’s portal etched vividly across her violet eyes.
And together Valixy and Wyndolyn stepped out across the beautiful cavern, along the path towards the portal Wyn knew in her heart would one day make her soul whole again.
What is important is to know fear and yet take a step forward.
Rosette Christopher

Looking for peeps to review my novel:)

novel.php?id=1142
  





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Mon Jul 13, 2009 1:18 am
Kale says...



Brace yourself, Dakota, for this critique will be pretty harsh. Just keep in mind that I am trying to help you and that you always have the option of discounting my suggestions.

That said:

The Prose

There was way too much description stuffed in almost every sentence; I felt I was drowning in it, to be quite frank. You also use fairly standard descriptions rather than unique ones. This resulted in overly long and clunky sentences that were neither easy nor enjoyable to read.

Try breaking up your sentences into smaller, more manageable entities and describe only those story elements that need to be described. In addition, don't try to sound eloquent; instead, use the word you would normally use if talking and keep an eye out for cliche phrasings and symbolisms. This will make your writing much more interesting and accessible.

The Premise

Very cliche, and it does not provide an interesting twist either.

The Characters

The beautiful elvish princess is beautiful, rebellious, and gifted with prophecy. Her father is the generic, evil, domineering parent. Her one true love is... her one true love. Basically, none of the characters have any real character to them; they are nothing more than puppets cut to fit their respective roles. As a result, I really did not care for any of them at all. Wyndolyn's plight did not rivet me, the spat between her and her father elicited an eyeroll, the separation from her one true love and her being on the run was not at all dramatic, and the whole scene with the goddess in the rainbow cave was just blah. In short, all your characters were very flat and on a whole lacking in the characterization department.

Um... What?

Why do the men chasing after Wendolyn severely wound her? Are they trying to kill her? Why would they be trying to kill her? Wouldn't her father want her back alive and well so that she could be quickly shipped off for marriage? I would think her pursuers would have strict orders not to harm her.

The Ending

It just ends without a real resolution. There are a number of loose ends that I feel need to be tied up, such as how do Wyndolyn and her one true love reunite? What happens to Gabriel while he is captive? On the up side, it means this story has a lot of potential to be expanded. On the downside, before you could begin expanding it, you'd have to deal with the issues I've brought up.

Overall

You have a lot of work ahead of you if you want to make this piece more than generic. Solid characterization, less description dumps, more unique description, refashioning the premise into something more unique, and a more solid resolution would help improve this story. As it stands, this story made me yawn.

That said, I hope I haven't discouraged you so much that you stop writing. I can tell that you enjoy telling stories; you just need to learn how to execute things a bit better. :D
  





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Mon Jul 13, 2009 1:38 am
bElL3 says...



I'm sorry, but I must agree with the person above me. I felt it was way too verbose and desciptive. I think you should consider a revision, just to tone down on the verbosity in this piece. Overall I think this has great potential for being an amazing story, you really just need to work on how you execute it. Keep writing it I want to read more!
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Mon Jul 13, 2009 1:59 am
DakotaK says...



Thank you both for your reviews. Constructive criticism is one of the main reasons I wanted to join the group. I don't want to be told, oh you're story's good, and leave it at that. I like people to let me know how I can improve it so eventually I can become a better writer! Thanks again.
~Dakota :lol:
What is important is to know fear and yet take a step forward.
Rosette Christopher

Looking for peeps to review my novel:)

novel.php?id=1142
  





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Mon Jul 13, 2009 2:16 am
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Antigone Cadmus says...



Hey Dakota! Ha, I'm totally entering this conest too. Glad to help out a rival :twisted:!

So let's get to the critique, as I ramble far too much in introductions.

Section I -- Nit-picks

Wyndolyn


Mmk. I just started your story and I already rolled my eyes.
Why? The name. Perhaps you know this, but the lyn/wyn names are all Welsh endings. Tolkien used Welsh for a lot of the names of elves, and Finnish for their language. His names have meaning in Welsh. This, I'm not so sure.
I'm fairly certain you thought, "Oh! Y's will make my work sound elf-y! A Lyn sound? Even better!" Tolkien took these Welsh names and made them his own. I'm afraid LOTR is so big names like this are almost certainly cliche.
Please correct me if Wyndolyn has a Saxon or Welsh meaning I'm unaware of.

as her legs pounded out a furious tattoo on the winter-hard forest floor.


Ah. I adore this description.

“Didn’t I tell you to inform Gabriel


Name incosistancies! Are your elves wild and Welsh, or simple?
You can't have a character named Wyndolyn and one named Gabriel. It's like having Jon and Abelard. Darth Vadar and Bingo.

“Didn’t I tell you to inform Gabriel that you would not be able to be seeing him today?”


"To be seeing"? What on earth? To see would suffice and sound better.

But Wyndolyn didn’t reply to the silver haired man who sat across the small marble table from her looking for all the world as if he had never smiled once in his life.


Meh this really sounds like a sentence fragment to me. Awkward somehow.

“I trust you Wyn, you’re Sight has never lied to you in the past.


Must all elves be seers?

And I must tell you something that has been bothering me.
Before directlyaddressing a character
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85
  





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Mon Jul 13, 2009 4:18 am
DakotaK says...



Thanks Antigone, for the review:)
Umm... I've never watched Lord of the Rings before, sorry. I forgot to mention as well, Gabriel works in the stables. I gave the commoner's more common names and the royalty well, more elaborate names. I'm bad about this, but I don't really look at name origins. I just liked the name Wyndolyn since it's the name of my farm.
For all of you who are out there reading in disbelief my "draft" I wanted to let you know (calm yourself, lol) I'm revising with each new review. You're improving my writing as we speak.
~Dakota :oops:
What is important is to know fear and yet take a step forward.
Rosette Christopher

Looking for peeps to review my novel:)

novel.php?id=1142
  





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365 Reviews



Gender: Female
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Mon Jul 13, 2009 11:34 am
Antigone Cadmus says...



Sorry, my computer screwed up. That's why the review stops in a random place. I'll finish reviewing tonight.
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85
  





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Mon Jul 13, 2009 7:28 pm
Antigone Cadmus says...



Dude. I'm so not triple posting. :wink:

I forgot to mention as well, Gabriel works in the stables. I gave the commoner's more common names and the royalty well, more elaborate names. I'm bad about this, but I don't really look at name origins. I just liked the name Wyndolyn since it's the name of my farm.


You may have forgotten to mention, but that doesn't matter. If this were a novel that I got from the library, I could be confused, but you couldn't respond to my confusion like that. You shouldn't have to explain anything to me.

Here's review part two...

So. I must tell you something about your piece that made me =O. Before directly adressing a person, you need a comma! xD

"I know Wyn!" = incorrect.
"I know, Wyn!" = good.

Mkay?

at least we’ll be together


I just can't picture someone saying this, sorry.

a small child like laugh filled the quiet chamber and Wyn at last noticed a small child


"Small child... small child..." Repetitive.

Overall

The cliche


I'm sorry, but this story was really, truly cliche. I think one of the problems that made it cliche was that it was so overdone. Every. Single. Thing. Was described.
It starts to wear on the reader after awhile.
Let me tell you something. Description is like butter. It's quite enjoyable on toast, but I myself would find a glob of it eaten straight disgusting. You want to spit it out. The same goes for description.
Try to spread out description. Make it rarer, but make it special.

BUttt....
while I'm on cliches, here's a list of some of the cliches in your story...
--the name of the elf
--the fact that she' a seer
-- "Ooh! Daddy is so mean to us, my love!"

Sorry to be harsh, but it's the truth.

The Ending

made no sense. I still have no idea what happened. They were captured? Why?

Father-daughter relationships

The father did not seem mean at all in the scene you provided, just slightly grumpy. =P He took not look like a terriblehorriblescary man. In fact, Wyn looked like a brat for thinking this. She talks back to Daddy Dear for no reason.

Kyllorac -- listen carefully to him. He was spot on about your cliche characters.

So. This was --not-- bad, please don't think that. But it needs work. A lot of work. Hope this helps!

Best,
Antigone
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85
  





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Mon Jul 13, 2009 10:57 pm
DakotaK says...



I've uploaded an updated version.
~Dakota

post579661.html#579661
What is important is to know fear and yet take a step forward.
Rosette Christopher

Looking for peeps to review my novel:)

novel.php?id=1142
  





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Thu Jul 23, 2009 4:21 pm
*writewatiwant* says...



Hum, hi Dakota! You might not recall, but you requested a review from WRFF thread, that I'm only able to do now, so I'm asking, do you want me to review this version or the other?
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Pooh: You don't spell it. You feel it.

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Fri Jul 24, 2009 1:42 am
ZannaShepherd says...



Hi Dakota, :smt039
I really liked your story! It was a little hard too follow sometimes, and it ended abruptly, but it was still awesome. :smt026 Also it felt like a piece out of a longer story, and it would be a shame if you just left it how it is. (Meaning I want you to write more on it!!) :smt023
I really enjoyed your description, it made the story more real to me, and I could see the world and characters you created vividly.
Your characters were also very easy to picture, and you really made it so that Wyndolyn and Gabriel's love for one another showed through.

I don't have much else in ways of a review, but I definitely think you should keep writing on this piece, it has real potential! :smt040

~Zanna :elephant:
  








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