Young Writers Society

Heaving Ardor

So lost,
confused,
unknowingly
feeling
more than she thought
she would.

So weak,
unnerved,
heavily
falling
more than he thought
he could.

So close,
endeared,
mutually
growing
more than they thought
they should.

I first read this and saw words like "confusion" and "ardor" and was thinking, wow, this must be depressing. It sounds really heavy.

But in the end I interpret it as a love poem; Two souls nervously entwining and finding each other, falling, and growing together. "more than they thought they should" - perhaps this romance and foray into love so young has matured them beyond their years, and they feel older, perhaps worn out, but matured. Or, through another angle, I can see them thinking, as a young couple, that it shouldn't work so smoothly. They shouldn't grow so easily, or that they're growing and learning more than they expected to.

I like that you say he's weak and she's lost, because these are usually seen as faults, but look at how they fit together in the last verse, like they are totally exposed and flawed for one another but they are endeared/in love and becoming more together than they did separately.

I love love poems. :3 Look how much I got out of that! I really like this. No critiques really; I liked the flow, the sort of stopping and starting, which I think invokes the nervousness of a blossoming relationship. The spacing lends itself to that. The length is perfect - like a play in three acts. I see Her, Him, Them, and that says it all.

great job

Hi there.
I'm in a fair amount of agreement with Breezy here. ]
I love the youthful, shy honesty in the approach of it.

In the second stanza, this part isn't clear like it is in the first stanza:
"So weak,

unnerved,

heavily

falling

more than he thought

he could."

I also felt it should have been a little long.

But over all, I love how tentatively the intent of the poem reveals itself.

-M.

Creatively subtle is the first thing that comes to mind for me.

:] Not like the "wannabe" poems you'll see every Joe Shmoe write because they've had some sort of infatuation with someone and lost them.

This is distinctly different in that it leaves the reader to fill in whatever is missing, but it simultaneously offers enough of the two lovers' story that the reader isn't struggling to understand it. The wording is fantastic, especially since it "just came to you". Really brilliant, I thought, and matching all the way through.

What would really be great is if you could add a couple more stanzas, but then again, that might actually detract from its value. Wow. Just wow. OH! P.s., great title. "Heaving Ardors" gives me an image of a heart beating faster than it normally should, but not negatively. Like, a warming feeling, rather than a medical condition.

Very, very nice.

BF,

pretty.

haha. I love this. Flows so pretty pa. Like a heartbeat when you read it.

Although in the last part 'more than they thought they should'. Should connotes that they need some sort of permission to be in love right? It doesn't fit much although I'm sure you put in should so that you don't repeat anything. 'would' would fit better, honestly. Your call.

Lovely, lovely.

Good luck sa school. haha.

Hey, Baile! I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to get to this, but I'm hoping you could still use some advice on this piece. :] If not, let me know if you want anything else reviewed, okay, and I'll make it up to you. ^___^

After reading this through once, I feel like it's a really nice, short little piece. One of the best things about it is that it focuses on one specific theme and message, which is 'more than they thought'. To just look at that message, it's pretty thought provoking, because it implies there's a level they assumed, and that it was crossed and broken, and how they must feel about that and what they must have expected to have it crossed.

But really, I think this is just the beginning. The way you've spaced it out, I don't know if you're attached to it or not, but you can definitely condense it to make it just a few lines and then continue with a longer poem that moves on from the concept of exceeded expectations. oO; I suppose, if you wanted to do that you could, and you don't have to, but I think it would be a little more interesting to the reader to have a few more facets of this relationship instead of only displaying one.

Other than that, I think you should consider the individual words you used.

mutually

This one especially sticks out to me. The rest of the words were pretty simple and short, and this one just has a different, more technical flavor to it. Try a word that can be understood almost without definition.

I don't know if what I've told you makes sense to you or not, so if it doesn't, just send me a PM, okay?

-Hannah-