Wishing on the stars.

The sunset drips over the hill,
A blaze of red, orange and pink,
Silhouetting the trees.
A bird flies in the distance,
Trying, trying to get home,
But it is not this she is waiting for,
Not why she is there, so she waits and waits.
Still as a statue,
Until the last flash of gold disappears
Until the sky is dark as ink.
Pinpricks of light materialize,
Dancing their path over the world,
Until they are tranquil once more.
When she is sure that all are there,
She closes her eyes.
She closes her eyes and thinks,
“I want to reach the stars,
I want to get there someday
I want to be anything
I want to see anything
I will reach the stars”
She stays for a moment,
Drinking in the last few magic moments,
Then opens the window,
And crawls back inside.

AquaMarine27 wrote:The sunset drips over the hill,
A blaze of red, orange and pink, Nice imagery here.
Silhouetting the trees.
A bird flies in the distance,
Trying, trying to get home,
But it is not this she is waiting for, When you say 'she,' I got a little confused, because at first I thought you were talking about the bird. Are you talking about the bird, or about the girl watching this? Clarify.
Not why she is there, so she waits and waits.

Still as a statue,
Until the last flash of gold disappears;
Until the sky is dark as ink.
Pinpricks of light materialize,
Dancing their path over the world,
Until they are tranquil once more.

When she is sure that all are there, Do you mean all of the stars...?
She closes her eyes.
She closes her eyes and thinks, I don't think the repetition here is particularly important, but if you like it, it's not a big deal.
“I want to reach the stars,
I want to get there someday,
I want to be anything,
I want to see anything;
I will reach the stars.”

She stays for a moment,
Drinking in the last few magic moments,
Then opens the window, No comma here
And crawls back inside.

I thought you had some good ideas here, and a good concept. However, the style in which you wrote this could be improved upon. First off, reading through this isn't so much like reading poetry, but more like reading a very short story with line breaks. It lacks the flow that characterizes poetry. This is partly because you vary so much in the length of your lines, and also because you vary so much in that pattern of the lines. I know this is free verse, but even free verse needs some rhythm to it. Also, you should break this up into several stanzas. Break it up wherever you feel the idea changes. I broke it into stanzas up above, but you don't necessarily have to do it like that. Personally, I'm not a huge fan of such a variation in the length of the stanzas, but you can make it work. I edited the punctuation above in bold, and made some notes. I think this poem has potential, it just needs a little work!

The sunset drips over the hill;

A blaze of red, orange and pink,

I think this is a lovely way to begin a poem, and this is the type of thing that I like so I love it however, I'm not sure if a dripping sunset agrees with 'a blaze'. I also added a semicolon. I'm really annoying and fussy about stuff like that.

Silhouetting the trees.

A bird flies in the distance,

Trying, trying to get home,

But it is not this she is waiting for,

Not why she is there, so she waits and waits.

I like your use of repetition hear in 'trying, trying etc.' and 'waits and waits'. Perhaps change 'flies' to 'glides' or 'soars'. No particular reason - just a suggestion

Still as a statue,

Until the last flash of gold disappears

Until the sky is dark as ink.

Pinpricks of light materialize,

Dancing their path over the world,

Until they are tranquil once more.

Again, I like your repetition ('until'). Maybe you could make the line 'still as a statue' better (not sure how). You could change it to something like 'still; statue -like'. mm. I wanted to write 'statuesque' until I realised that it actually doesn't mean 'ike a statue' (i looked it up).

When she is sure that all are there,

She closes her eyes.

She closes her eyes and thinks,

“I want to reach the stars,

I want to get there someday.

I want to be anything,

I want to see anything -

I will reach the stars"

Repetition again! You managed to use it all the way through which is very clever

I have nothing to suggest for this bit (it's my favourite bit) but I have added some punctuation, although I don't know how you mean it to be read so I am probably wrong.
She stays for a moment,

Drinking in the last few magic moments,

Then opens the window,

And crawls back inside.

Lovely ending! The first line of this bit doesn't scan properly the way I read it, but perhaps if you got rid of 'in'or even the word 'magic'. although, I do realise that you may have written it like that on purpose so I'm sorry!

hope this was ok!

Jemima

Thanks for the reviews!

i was reading over it, i can't believe how much punctuation i left out.

Oh well, hopefully i'll do better next time.

Thank you for the tips.

X

AquaMarine27 wrote:The sunset drips over the hill,
A blaze of red, orange and pink,[I would remove this comma, since the setence would read 'A blaze or red, orange and pink silhouetting the trees']
Silhouetting the trees.
A bird flies in the distance;[I'd use a semi-colon here]
Trying, trying to get home.[Period]

But it is not this she is waiting for,
Not why she is there, so she waits and waits,[maybe a comma here, since 'still as a statue seems to continue this thought]
Still as a statue,
Until the last flash of gold disappears,[comma]
Until the sky is dark as ink.
Pinpricks of light materialize,
Dancing their path over the world,
Until they are tranquil once more. [I'm not sure this line fits, since they weren't 'tranquil' to begin with. Maybe 'Until the sky is tranquil once more'?]

When she is sure that all are there,
She closes her eyes.
She closes her eyes and thinks,[If what follows is what she's thinking, then I would make this a colon]
“I want to reach the stars,
I want to get there someday
I want to be anything
I want to see anything
I will reach the stars.[period here]”
She stays for a moment,[not sure I would put a comma here, but it's up to you]
Drinking in the last few magic moments,
Then opens the window,
And crawls back inside.

Again, this was a nice poem. However I didn't like it as much as your other ones, maybe because the style is a bit different and there is less rhyme. *loves rhyme* I've made my suggestions punctuation-wise, and I also split it into a few stanzas to make it easier to read (I find long blocs of text intimidating =P). If you were going to try and change the writing, I would suggest maybe working on what she says. I found that a lot less... poetic than the rest of the poem. =P

But otherwise, this is good. Good work.

^_^ Keek!

(Lemme know if you write any other poems you want a review for, I like reading your stuff )

good : )



Don't let go ,

just hold me tight .

Kiss me softly ,

by the candle light .

Turn up the music ,

this is your song .

Come close baby ,

this is where you belong .

Do you want to dance ?

I love the way you move ,

give me a chance ,

I will improve !

As time goes by ,

and moves so fast .

I'd like it to stop with you ,

so I could make it last .

Make a wish every day ,

so I can hope it will come true.

I'm sending Love your way ,

and kisses just for you .

You are my everything ,

more than words can say .

I wish you never left ,

I wish You were with me everyday



.........by R.M.D............6-29-2009