z

Young Writers Society


"Escape from Loredaen Hall" chap. 23



Did you understand this extract?

Yes, it was easy to understand.
0
No votes
Are you kidding? My half-insane Grandmum writes better than that!
1
33%
Sort of, it'd be nice if you could explain some things.
1
33%
I'm just going to ask you a question below (feel free to ask anything)
1
33%
 
Total votes : 3


User avatar
26 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 3003
Reviews: 26
Wed Jun 03, 2009 8:47 pm
LordLoredaen says...



Escape from Loredaen Hall

Chapter 23 - Passeth the Devil's Tongue


Tom crept down the hall, wincing slightly as his foot fell upon a loose floorboard, which issued a resistant crreeeeeeeeaak. Tom froze, fearing that he had been heard. After a few moments of anxious silence, Tom felt it safe to carry on. He walked slowly, paying close attention to the floor he was crossing, keeping an eye out for more worn boards. His passage to the stairs went smoothly enough, and, upon reaching them, Tom looked down at the Loredaen Léarscáil. He flipped two pages over, and followed the black line with his finger until it reached his bedroom.
He put the Léarscáil back into his pocket and began to ascend the staircase. Up he went, each step taken slowly. He constantly looked up the spiralled stairs, to reassure himself that no one was descending toward him. He put a hand on the thin rail, and then drew in back in astonishment when he felt the slimy feel of dark mildew. He peered down at the rail, just to see that it appeared to be ancient. Now that he thought about it, the Estate looked much older than it was when they had arrived there.
It was then that Tom heard the soft sound of footsteps descending the staircase. His heart began to beat harder in his chest, as he looked upward. And, many steps above him, he could see a figure walking down the stairs at a steady pace. Tom went into a state of panic, as he looked for a place to hide, but his search yielded to nothing. He looked up to see Wilbur steadily waking toward him. He tried to run, but he was petrified with fear. The most he could do was back into the wall as far as he could. And, surprisingly, Wilbur passed him by without a glance. Tom looked at him in utter confusion. Why hadn’t he been seen? He looked down at his hands. Sure enough, they were completely visible to him. He looked down at the Léarscáil, but saw nothing different about that either. Then, realization came to him. The spell that the Léarscáil had told him to cast earlier! Hattie had not been able to see him, either! Tom gained confidence and started to walk, faster than before, up the spiral staircase.
Upon reaching the hall at the end, Tom referred to the Loredaen Léarscáil again. The line went from the staircase straight to the door to Tom’s bedroom. Tom carried on steadily down the hall, stopping in front of his bedroom door. He was about to raise a hand to turn the doorknob, but then something yanked at his mind. something that he had forgotten, but what? Tom shrugged his shoulders, and turned the knob.
Éifeachtach rois!” A blast of wind that felt like a solid wall rushed right into Tom, lifting him off his feet and into the opposite wall. Pain exploded in the back of his head as he fell to the floor, the Léarscáil flying from his hand and into a dark corner.
Tom struggled onto his elbow, glaring up at Mairi, who was standing over him, with an evil smile on her crooked face.
“Well, well, well,” Mairi said, looking down at him. “What have we here?” She put a finger under his chin and lifted his head up to look her straight in the face. “Loit neirbhíseach córas.” She said quietly, and a dim spark flickered from her finger into Tom’s throat.
Tom looked at the evil glare in Mairi’s eyes. He tried to make a snide reply, but no sound came from his lips. He strained his muscles as hard as he could to move, but not as much as a finger budged from its place.
Mairi’s smile widened even more. “My, my,” she said. “I’ve never tried that spell before; apparently it works better than I thought. I should’ve used it on you before; it could’ve saved me a lot of trouble.”
Tom tried change his expression, but it proved useless. Mairi laughed.
“I guess while you’re stuck there you can listen to me.” Mairi said slowly, pacing at a relatively slow pace. “You have hurt me many times over the past few days. I think it’s just aboot high time tha’ I had a wee bit o’ revenge!” She turned sharply toward Tom. “But, I’m a generous witch, I’ll admit, so I’ll make a proposal tae you.” She snapped her fingers, and Tom saw Ernestine and Hattie appear in a dark corner, both bound, completely conscious, and looking frightened. Hattie seemed to try to call out to him, but the gag in her mouth prevented any noise from escaping.
“It goes like this,” Mairi said. “Ye give me the Loredaen Léarscáil, and I give ye yer sisters. Do we hae an accord?”
Tom felt the strain in his body slacken, and he felt his jaw freely move. He glanced at the pleading eyes of his sisters, and then noticed Ernestine’s leg.


~

Hattie tapped her feet on the ground in dreading anticipation. Tom had been gone for what seemed hours, and she was getting worried. She bent down beside Ernestine and examined her. Her face was still a picture of weariness. Hattie sighed and brushed hair out of her sister’s face. “It’ll be alright,” she said quietly, more to herself than to Ernestine. “Tom will be back soon, and we can go home!”
Ernestine stirred, her eyes flickered for a moment, and her breathing quickened. Hattie’s heart jumped. If Ernestine woke up, maybe she would agree to go with Hattie and follow Tom. However, she never woke, her breathing slowed to normal place, and Hattie’s heart sunk back into the deep cavern that it resided in.
She slumped back against the wall, wishing that something would happen, anything that would give her leave to go after Tom. She looked up at the half moon, and sighed. She looked at the body of Lloyd, and then looked away quickly. The sight of his body brought intense guilt to her heart.
Then, all of a sudden, a high-pitched scream resounded in her ears. She tried to block the noise with her hands, but it did no good. She screamed along with it, the sound being sheer agony.
Then it stopped. Hattie sighed with relief, and looked down at her feet. And it was then she saw, dug deep beside her right foot, words scratched into the soft soil.
“Run to the aid of one you love
For where he is, there is no out of.”
Hattie knew, and accepted, the message immediately. Completely forgetting about Lloyd and Ernestine, Hattie took up the bloodstained knife that was laying beside her and rushed into Loredaen Hall through the entrance that had been opened by Tom with the Loredaen Léarscáil.
The sitting room that Hattie entered into was complete void of life, so Hattie passed through it without a problem. However, when she entered the hall, she almost ran right into the maid, Elise. She staggered to a halt in front of the transparent figure, and instinctively hid the dagger behind her back.
Elise smiled wickedly. “Look what we have here,” she crooned. “This should bring me about a promotion!”
Hattie stuttered, but she could not get any words out of her mouth. Elise reached out a hand and took the arm that held the dagger. Hattie tried to jerk her arm back, but she ended up slicing deep into Elise’s arm with the sharp side of the dagger. Hattie’s eyes grew wide as she saw Elise shriek with pain and clutch her now blackened arm to her chest.
Hattie looked down at the knife in wonderment. Was this weapon so powerful that it could have cut through the transparent skin of Elise, a ghost? She wiped the bits of blood of the dagger with a bit of her dress, and examined it closely. It shone a strange purple in the moonlight, and thin streaks of dark purple went down the blade.
Rhododendron Juice, Hattie thought, smiling. She looked down at the pitiful, transparent form of Elise on the ground, and pointed the dagger tip at her throat. Elise gasped.
“My brother came in here not long ago,” she said quietly, and Elise looked up at her fearfully. “Have you seen him?”
Elise scoffed, and Hattie slightly pricked her throat, where instantly a small black smudge appeared. Elise gasped again.
“Where is he?” Hattie demanded putting the side of the dagger slightly to Elise’s throat.
“U-up stairs,” Elise stuttered, pointing to the dark staircase at the end of the hall. “He’s held by Mairi, in the hallway before the Library.”
Hattie’s heart sank. She lowered the dagger, and backed into the wall. If Mairi had Tom, then there was little chance that she could get to him without help. But she could try. Maybe she could sneak up behind Mairi and…
Her thoughts were interrupted by a wailing war cry! Hattie looked up quickly to se Elise rushing at her with her good hand outstretched, reaching for her heart. In a panic, Hattie raised the knife and plunged it forward. There was a moment of confusion before Hattie realized that Elise had stopped dead in her tracks, her fingers only centimetre’s away from her heart. Elise gasped, and on her face was a look of agony. Hattie looked in astonishment at the hand in which she was holding the dagger, to see that the whole blade was embedded in Elise’s heart.
Elise looked into Hattie’s eyes and forced the word, “you…” before she fell, dead.
Hattie backed away from the body. She had killed someone! However, it had been a creature already dead, and that thought comforted her.
Then, suddenly, dim red glow began to shine around the outline of Elise’s body, and Hattie thought she heard a distant, raspy voice say, “Our arrangement is complete, de Laire.” Then the glow brightened, enveloping Elise, then, both ghost and glow, faded away.
Hattie sighed in relief that it was over. She began to chuckle nervously, and then she remembered. Tom! She ran to the stairs, the dagger held out in front of her.

~

Ernestine’s leg was completely void of any bruise or mark, let alone a severe dagger wound. Tom looked at Mairi.
“I believe that you are mistaken,” Tom said, trying not to look into Mairi’s eyes. “That can’t be Ernestine.”
“What?” Mairi demanded, glaring at him. “How so?”
“Ernestine had a dagger wound on her leg,” Tom gestured toward the figure in the corner. “She doesn’t.”
“But she does,” Mairi gestured toward Ernestine as well, and Tom looked, to see a deep gash on the figures lower leg.
“What are you playing at?” Tom asked accusingly, looking at Mairi carefully.
“What do you mean?” Mairi asked calmly. “I’m not ‘playing’ at anything.”
“The wound is in the wrong place,” Tom said, frustrated. “And it wasn’t a gash, the blade went into her leg!”
Mairi sighed. “We could’ve done this the easy way,” she said quietly. “But you just had tae persist.” She raised her hand, and a dark green orb of light began to form over her palm.
Tom quickly closed his eyes, trying to prepare himself for whatever was coming. However, nothing came. He opened his eyes, and saw something that brought joy to his soul. The figures in the corner were gone, and Hattie was standing in front of Mairi, the recognizable enchanted dagger held to Mairi’s throat.
Mairi had a startled look on her face. “Nau, nau, dear,” she said, fear in her voice. “That isna necessary. Please, take it away!”
“Why should I?” Hattie retorted.
“Weel,” Mairi said, her face suddenly becoming serious. “If ye’ll not lower the weapon, I’ll have tae lower it fer ye!” And she pushed her hand forward, palm outward, and Hattie was lifted off her feet and into the wall beside Tom, who was yet again immobilised. But he still had control over his mouth.
“Hattie,” he said. “The Loredaen Léarscáil is in the corner beside me, get it quickly!”
Hattie nodded, and quickly scooped up the Léarscáil, which lay in a heap in the dark corner beside Tom. She fumbled with the paper, but lost her grip on it and it fell to the floor again.
Marfach buille!” Mairi cried. A dark red orb shot from her outstretched palm toward Hattie, who only just barely dodged it by ducking, scooping up the Léarscáil as she went. The red missiles collision with the wall resulted in an explosion that knocked Hattie off her feet. She landed only inches away from Mairi’s buckled shoe.
“Dofheicthe teann!” Hattie cried, raising her hand, in which she had been holding the Loredaen Léarscáil, but was now empty, toward Mairi. There was a long silence as Hattie looked at her hand, and then around the room, to see the léarscáil lying a few feet away. Mairi began to laugh.
“Good try,” she said gleefully. “But not good enough!” Mairi bent down and took Hattie by the neck, and lifted her away from the ground with tremendous strength! Hattie began to gag!
“S-stop!” Tom cried weakly from the corner where he sat. “Leave her alone!”
Hattie was losing conscious. As her lungs screamed for air, her vision began to fog and everything began to dim. But then, suddenly, she felt something jerk from deep inside her heart. It felt like raw lightning coursing through her veins towards the fingertips of her right hand, only, it was completely painless. She felt another jerk in her fingertips, heard a gasp, and felt the fingers enclosed around her throat fly away. Her vision sharpened as she fell to the floor, and she saw Mairi flying through the air and into the opposite wall. Hattie looked at her hands in astonishment.
“H-how?” Mairi asked in astonishment as she tried to get to her feet. Tom as well was looking at his sister with a surprised look.
“I-I…” Hattie tried to say, but then Mairi’s expression changed from astonishment to anger.
Tine dar dáta ceas croi!” She shouted, and a ball of black flame shot from her outstreched fingers toward Hattie. Hattie dived out of the way of the deadly-looking missile, which crashed into the wall, blowing a large hole right through into an old study.
Hattie was breathing heavily now, and was nervous. She racked her brains for spells that she had read off the Loredaen Léarscáil.
Bogadh rud mar mian!” She screamed, reaching her hand out toward a small table in the corner. She remembered using that spell on the Banshee; that seemed like ages ago.
The moment the words left Hattie’s lips, the table quivered, knocking the vase that was resting on top of it over. Then, the table lunged toward Mairi, following where Hattie pointed. Mairi hastily jumped out of its way and it crashed into the wall.
“Well,” Mairi said, gaining her feet. “Looks like in ma inhabitation Ah left a wee bit behind!”
“What?” Hattie asked fearfully.
Tine dar dáta ceas croi!” Mairi shouted again. Yet again, the ball of black flame issued from Mairi’s outstretched palm toward Hattie.
Hattie racked her brains for a good spell to shoot back or at least something to defend herself. The fireball was drawing nearer. It was almost to her now.
Sciath ó draíocht!” Hattie cried out automatically, not knowing what she was saying. A transparent sheet of blue light issued from her fingertips, and arranged itself in front of the oncoming missile. The flames collided with the thin blue sheet with a sound like a tank cannon.
The force of the collision went trembling up Hattie’s arms, and, upon reaching her shoulders, knocked her off her feet. She fell to the ground, only inches from the hilt of the enchanted dagger, which was embedded deep into the wood. She quickly reached out her hand and attempted to wrench it free. But it was embedded so deep in the wood that she could not free it from the wood. Mairi walked slowly, an evil smile spreading across her crooked face.
“Try getting yerself outa this ane!” she said menacingly as she drew nearer to Hattie.
Hattie tried to think of a spell that could pull it out, but she could not remember anything that the map suggested for this situation. Mairi was drawing nearer and nearer. Then, Hattie remembered a line out of a Latin version of the bible that she had flipped through.
Marfach buille-
Vindico nos ex malum!” Hattie cried out just as the spell left Mairi’s lips. Suddenly, a blindingly bright light flashed bright in between Hattie and Mairi. The red orb that issued from Mairi’s hand was eaten up by it, as it got brighter and brighter, soon enveloping the whole room. Hattie could hear the agonizing screams from Mairi. Then it was gone.

~

It took Tom’s eyes a little while to recover from the light, but when they did, he saw Hattie, panting in a corner, holding the hilt of the dagger, which was still embedded in the wood. He felt movement restored to him, and he stood up and looked around.
“Where’s Mairi?” He asked.
Hattie, quivering, pointed to the far corner of the hallway, by the stairs. Tom saw a shadowy figure slumped up against the wall. He approached it slowly. The dark outline did resemble Mairi, as far as Tom could tell. Then Tom came close enough to see her features. He started backward. What he saw made his skin crawl. It was indeed Mairi, but her whole front appeared to have been burned away. Her rib cage and jawbone were completely visible to all, and her eyes bulged in her head, lidless. Tom quickly backed away from the revolting sight.
“What happened?” Tom asked, turning to Hattie.
“I don’t know,” Hattie said quietly. “I-I just… I don’t know, it was just something I read!”
Tom put his arm around her shoulders.
“Where’s the Léarscáil?” Tom asked.
Hattie did not answer, but pointed to a corner. Tom picked up the worn piece of paper, and looked at it. It was just as it was, only, over the ‘Hallway’ there were spidery words written.
“The first sign of terror fallen
New hope in the darkness has sprung
The witch’s death has befallen
Here passeth the devil’s tongue.”
As Tom finished reading the spidery lines, they slowly began to fade away. Tom slowly folded the old paper and slid it into his pocket.
“Now what are we going to do?” Hattie asked.
“We’re going to finish this once and for all,” Tom said solemnly, and meaningfully walked toward the wooden door to the Library.





Feel free to ask anything about the chapter or the book! :D
Last edited by LordLoredaen on Thu Jun 11, 2009 6:52 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Am fear nach gleidh na h-airm san t-sith, cha bhi iad aige 'n am a' chogaidh.

* He that keeps not his arms in time of peace will have none in time of war.


(This pretty much means "If you want peace, be prepared for war")
  





User avatar
63 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2929
Reviews: 63
Thu Jun 04, 2009 4:43 pm
octocoffee says...



Hey, will this be published soon? If so, congratulations! There are a few things I'm a bit curious about though.

In terms of writing style, I'm really glad that you write with an active and dynamic voice. However, as I read, I felt that there were many unnecessary commas that broke the flow instead of enhancing things. You might want to take a look at it and ask yourself if some of those are really needed. Also, there are a few instances where your 'tell' when it's obvious you're trying to 'show'. For example:

He constantly looked up the spiralled stairs, to reassure himself that no one was descending toward him.


I’m not sure if there’s an alternate spelling, but typically I spell ‘spiralled’ as ‘spiraled’. The second half of this sentence feels a bit telling. Maybe you could phrase it differently? Like, “He constantly looked up the spiraled stairs, nervous. At any given moment, someone could discover him.” There's quite a bit of this, and I thought that it brought down the quality of your writing.

I have absolutely no idea what the Loredaen Léarscáil's actual purpose is, but it seems like a magical book. I'm sure you've explained its properties earlier on, so this was just because you extracted it from the whole.

Your dialogue overall seems excellent though. I thought it was clever and fluid. I did have problems with Mairi's speech. It's obvious you're giving her a "Scottish" accent, as Terry Pratchett does in "Wee Free Men" and its sequels. But Mairi's speech is terribly inconsistent. Sometimes the word 'you' is used instead of 'ye' and so on. Unless her speech naturally switches between two types of speaking, but would be very strange.

Also, just curious as to if the Latin spell is written as you want it to be written. "I free the evil from us", yes? If you actually got it from a Latin bible, it's not quite a good translation. But I'm just a nitpick, and most people won't care about proper Latin, so this is fine if you like it. Technically, it'd be "E nos malum vindico." It still sounds quite strange though, since you're expelling the evil from Mairi. I don't know.

But I like the plot, I do. It seems really exciting, and I would certainly love to read more.

I wish you the best of luck!
octocoffee
...if you are going to step on a live mine, make it your own. Be blown up, as it were, by your own delights and despairs. ~ Ray Bradbury
I Review Everything!
  





User avatar
312 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 6403
Reviews: 312
Wed Jun 17, 2009 5:30 pm
Mars says...



Heya! One week late, but here I am. I'll attempt to review this having (obviously) not read the rest of it :P

which issued a resistant crreeeeeeeeaak.

I think 'issued' is the wrong word here because it's too formal. Something that would personify it, like 'groaned' or 'whined' or 'argued' or simply 'let out.'

Okay! So, your first two paragraphs are interesting and well written except for this one problem which is repetition. The first three sentences are all 'Tom did this' and 'Tom did that' and then in the second paragraph it's all 'He did this. Then he did that.' It's annoying; I'd vary it a bit so it's not all the same, and boring to read.

“Loit neirbhíseach córas.” She said quietly,

Should be “Loit neirbhíseach córas,” she said quietly,

I think it’s just aboot high time tha’ I had a wee bit o’ revenge!”

Is Mairi just putting on the accent there, or does she have it usually? If that's how she speaks normally, it should be consistent; over = o'er, have = ha', you = ye, etc. Yeah, I've just noticed that she slips into it more at the end, which is good, but when she first started speaking, there was no indication that she had an accent at all.

Hattie entered into was complete void of life,

Completely?

then, both ghost and glow, faded away.

Ditch both of these commas.

"Ernestine had a dagger wound on her leg,” Tom gestured

Period instead of a comma after leg.

a deep gash on the figures lower leg.

Figure's, possessive. Also...I dunno, it's a little confusing like this, so I think would be better if you used 'appear' or 'had appeared'. Just a suggestion. ^_^

“What do you mean?” Mairi asked calmly.

She slipped out of her accent again! It should be what d'ye (or, I guess, d'you if you want) mean. (It depends from where in Scotland she comes.)

to see the léarscáil

I think that should be capitalized? Since it was before.

I really like the plot, and it's hard to say anything about the characters since I haven't read the beginning, but overall I think this is great. The main suggestion I can give you is to read it over a million times to catch all the typos and also, the writing itself seemed a bit too stiff at times, especially the beginning of the chapter. So watch out for that.

Good luck! And again, sorry this took so long.
'life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in poetry'
-the wombats


critiques // nano
  





User avatar
29 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1636
Reviews: 29
Wed Jun 17, 2009 7:11 pm
jok101 says...



Well just so you don't it expect it I'm rubbish and grammar and I don't pick out lines that don't make sense. Anyway so
I liked it, it was the kind of thing that I'd expect to read in a book. Because it was only the 24Th chapter it was hard to
get a feel for any of the characters other than the the brother and the sister. From the name and the way the evil with was speaking I'm guessing its in Scotland. Is the weird book they were reading from some kind of magical book thats a spell book and gives people who don't have magical powers powers and that's why the sister and everyone was surprised when she used powers by her self. Any way sorry about those questions. It was good if some time you were unsure who was talking. Apart from a few thing that didn't make sence it was good. You only couldn't understand what they were talking about because it was so far on in the book. Whatever now I'm just saying the same thing again and again so bye. Good luck with the book and PM me if you post any more chapters for it.
  





User avatar
321 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 12611
Reviews: 321
Thu Jun 18, 2009 6:18 pm
Flower~Child says...



I couldn't tell much about the characters because you picked such a late chapter. Anyway I do like this alot. I think this would make a wonderful book. The only thing I noticed is you spelled about wrong somewhere in there haha.
My reality comes to a close as I once again realize that you don't love me, and even if I love you with my everything you will never care.

  





User avatar
26 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 3003
Reviews: 26
Thu Jun 18, 2009 6:21 pm
LordLoredaen says...



I did???
Was it somewhere in the dialogue? If so, I did it on purpose.
Am fear nach gleidh na h-airm san t-sith, cha bhi iad aige 'n am a' chogaidh.

* He that keeps not his arms in time of peace will have none in time of war.


(This pretty much means "If you want peace, be prepared for war")
  





User avatar
26 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 3003
Reviews: 26
Sat Jun 20, 2009 8:51 pm
LordLoredaen says...



Thank you all for your reviews!! I really appreciate them!

Now I'm going to explain some things that you guys didn't understand:
Mairi's accent changes depending on her emotions; e.g. when she's angry, she speaks quickly and her accent thickens. The thing is, Mairi is almost immortal. She has been using magic to stay alive since the construction of the Stone Henge (she actually took part in that...)

This is the only chapter I put up because this is the best chapter I've ever written. I'll consider putting up the rest, but I don't know if I will, because I've had a lot of experience with people abusing the story (as in copying it onto their sites and such).

Third and final explanation: This is the un-edited chapter, I haven't worked on it since I wrote it (approximately one and a half years ago) so it's kind of old.

I think eventually I will put up some of the other chapters (so that you'll understand this one better) or even write a shorter version of the whole book for you guys, but we'll have to see.

Though I am working on a prequel (appropriately called "The History of Loredaen Hall") and I'll put it up here and that you'll definitely understand! (it'll also help you understand stuff in this chapter, like for example what the heck the Loredaen Léarscáil is. Loredaen Léarscáil mean "The Loredaen's Guide", or "The Loredaen's Map")


Hope that made things clear for you!
Mar sin leat, tapadh leat!

LordLoredaen
Am fear nach gleidh na h-airm san t-sith, cha bhi iad aige 'n am a' chogaidh.

* He that keeps not his arms in time of peace will have none in time of war.


(This pretty much means "If you want peace, be prepared for war")
  








Doors are for people with no imagination.
— Skulduggery Pleasant