Young Writers Society

A/N
This was written because I'm so upset about leaving school. It's pretty messy in terms of rhyme and rhythm because it's originally for the guitar, but I'm hoping with your help I could make a poem out of it. Any suggestions, however small would be greatly appreciated. Oh, and the word 'craic' is a Northern Irish slang word, meaning 'fun'. Please help!



I know it’s raining with endings,
but I just can’t feel goodbyes.
Not the way I should,
I’ll be seeing you again,
you’ll be seeing me.
That’s what I’m convincing myself
‘cause secretly
I don’t want to say it’s the end.

And I never say things from the heart
funny how this one thing should be the start
funny how the day we said goodbye
I start to realise how I
just can’t live without you
please take it back, say it isn’t so,
I just can’t let you go.

I’d give everything,
to have the past seven years back.
Sitting on the grass, having the craic,
laughter in the hallways,
Christmas, mornings, afternoons,
windy Novembers, sunny Junes,
exam results and red balloons.
My life has been awash with blue.
I guess when they say you don’t know what you have
until it’s too late, it’s true


Give me back the days, the weeks, the years
I’ll open up my arms, I’ll stop all these tears.
Every little thing,
every brick, piece of mortar and slate
I swear I’ll appreciate
I can’t go on this new journey,
new sounds bad
those journeys I made with you
were the best I had.

All the rooms, the corridors, where you are,
are where my journey will start,
Voices echoing in my heart
I’ll remember you,
remember me
‘cause you made the most important one,
right beside me

Remember me
and I’ll accept this mess
I’ll say yes
and make my journey.

Eimear wrote:A/N
This was written because I'm so upset about leaving school.

Hmm. Did you write this in a hurry and under emotional duress without editing much? That would explain much.

I wish I could give this a line-by-line critique, but unfortunately there are no small parts that need re-working. The entire poem is falling apart at the seams because of how utterly shallow and juvenile it sounds (I'll grant that maybe since this was originally for music, there could be different rules). You've written a 50-line poem that can be condensed into two words and by the end, the theme from the beginning hasn't changed or added to. It's just...words floating around in space. No feelings, no emotions are present. I will point out some of the most egregious mistakes but don't take that to mean that the rest of the poem is any good.

I know it’s raining with endings,
but I just can’t feel goodbyes.
Not the way I should,
I’ll be seeing you again,
you’ll be seeing me.
That’s what I’m convincing myself
‘cause secretly
I don’t want to say it’s the end.

And I never say things from the heart
funny how this one thing should be the start
funny how the day we said goodbye
I start to realise how I
just can’t live without you
please take it back, say it isn’t so,
I just can’t let you go.

There was one instance of imagery in this and that was the first line (which was in itself poorly done, as "raining" with endings doesn't make sense unless you embellish it with powerful description that really connects the two). The rest is you talking. Add something between these lines - if not imagery, then clever language or consistent rhyme (what you have is very choppy and inconsistent) and or even space your lines differently. Right now, it looks like you wrote a large paragraph and hacked it up into lines and stanzas just so it would look like a poem. Even if you didn't, line spacing is relatively important and needs to be one of your first priorities after imagery.

My life has been awash with blue.
I guess when they say you don’t know what you have
until it’s too late, it’s true

"Blue" for "sadness" is so cliched that it's basically used in humor now, never seriously. Take it out, come up with an original expression.

Give me back the days, the weeks, the years
I’ll open up my arms, I’ll stop all these tears.
Every little thing,
every brick, piece of mortar and slate
I swear I’ll appreciate
I can’t go on this new journey,
new sounds bad
those journeys I made with you
were the best I had.

Your rhyme starts to come out more prominently starting here but then collapses in the next paragraph. Even here, it sounds completely forced because the words at the end are so simplistic and elementary - "years tears", "slate appreciate", "bad had" that it looks like you came up with them for the sole purpose of rhyming. Make your rhymes subtle so that they serve as complements to the content, not the other way around.

Remember me
and I’ll accept this mess
I’ll say yes
and make my journey.

Weak ending, doesn't pack a punch or make the reader think at all. It trails off, leaving the reader bewildered as to why it just ended like a brick wall.

Overall, if this sounds better on the guitar than it does as a poem, that's good. But right now, it sounds like it was shelled with cliches and over-used phrasings, paired up with a lack of imagery and shallow content ("I'm sad, I'm regretful, I don't want to go!"). Get rid of this and come up with a poem that learns from the mistakes this one made; it'll take you the same amount of energy to fix all of the errors in this as it will to create a completely new piece anyway.

Hope that helped.

Hi Eimear!

Technically, in your request, you asked June, but since it was on my thread I figured I'd review this. ^_^

After reading this, plus your author's note, I can see how this was meant to be sung.

And since I'm having a somewhat hard time finding things you don't already know about, I'm just going to give you overall comments.

"You": This poem seems to focus on both the singular and plural sense of "you" for this poem. I feel it would have a lot more punch if you made the focus one or the other. It would pull us into a large group of friends or a single, deep friendship/romance. It would clear up the focus of this poem and let us really get emotionally involved.

Empathy: I had a hard time connecting with this poem, other then a bit of loneliness. Because we aren't pulled into a specific event, it's hard to understand some lines. Like these,

And I never say things from the heart
funny how this one thing should be the start

It's hard to fully understand this, since not only are these lines not continued, but they don't have any examples to back them up. When did you hold back information? ^_^

Overall: I have a hard time getting any sort of connection with this poem, mostly from the lack of examples and the slightly fuzzy "you" standpoint. Clear those up and this poem will be a good, connectable, representation of how it feels to leave friends behind. ^_^

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

Overall , I didn't love this poem . I sort of felt disconnected and sad in a way when you listen to a child talk about their broken crayon .

My life has been awash with blue.

Honestly, I think this is a fairly useless line . It weakens that whole part even more in my view .
I was a little on edge about your whole rhythym . Your rhymes seemed awkward and the length and syllable count seemed askew . The line breaks were strange and made it sound like you wrote out a paragraph and tried to make it into a poem . Granted, this can work, but with more editing than this .
Your rhyming also is not the most magnificent thing . It's very Dr. Seuss reminiscent and would probably be better had you simply stayed with no rhymes .
And seeing your note that it was meant for guitar , I understand that this may be harsh ? I don't quite know how I sound , and I'm terribly sorry if I offended you .
My intent was only to be helpful . ^^