Young Writers Society

This is a story that I had been working on and I've posted it from my previous account (fun4eva) too. But this is the renewed version of it and some new parts are included. Please review.


The scene was pathetic. Two girls in the washroom helping another one to get over an insensitive creep of an ex boyfriend:
“This is the worst day of my life!” Cheryl wailed, tears streaming down her rosy cheeks. Being dumped by her boyfriend of three years, for her best friend, just before Christmas, wasn’t her idea of a perfect holiday.
“I mean, it was all so perfect. All those things he told me? Was it all just a joke?” She murmured helplessly, among tears and sniffs looking at her two friends – Tara and Sonia, who had accompanied her to the washroom to help Cheryl get over the hurt. “Leandra was like my sister. And how could she snatch him like that?” she asked herself.
“Don’t worry, it’s going to be all right,” Tara comforted her, with one hand on Cheryl’s shoulder and the other, fumbling with a tissue box. “You know, if he didn’t have the courtesy to come up to you and talk about it politely, maybe he just wasn’t the right guy. As for Leandra, come on, we all had noticed the change in her a few days back, hadn’t we? Come on now, wipe it off.” She lifted her hands from Cheryl’s shoulder and ran it through Cheryl’s pitch black hair comfortingly.
“But…but I love him more than Tara loves her chocolate shake!” Cheryl whined, as she fished out the last tissue paper from the second box.
“Tara’s right! You don’t deserve this, Cheryl. I didn’t like that guy since the first day,” Sonia, their other friend, drawled. Sonia kneeled on the marble floor of their school’s washroom and held Cheryl’s hand in hers. Locking her grey eyes with Cheryl’s, she went on, “always remember these words, Cheryl. Joshua doesn’t deserve the tears you’re shedding for him. But the guy who does deserve your precious tears will never let a drop roll from those beautiful green eyes.” Sonia said softly, shifting her gaze from Cheryl to Tara, who was clumsily fiddling with the tissue box.
Cheryl fell silent, but the unending tears continued to flood her eyes. For the first time in her life, Sonia’s counseling failed to take her to a safe place. Her comforting, wise words and knowing smile weren’t enough to put herself back into pieces. Cheryl knew what they were saying was true and that the guy was really not meant for her but this wasn’t about him, it was about something that mattered more - it was about her.
All her life, Cheryl had known the bad side of life – her mother passed away two years ago and she lived with her conservative aunt, her one and only brother died by overuse of drugs. She practically cried herself to sleep every night, wishing she could get back her mother and brother. Cheryl remembered the time her aunt found out that she had a boyfriend and took away her cell forever. She remembered the words Joshua said to her at that time. “Forget your aunt. I’d love you even if you had an army behind you,” is what he had said. It was now that she could see the falseness underlining those words.
Living with a poor aunt seemed to get harder once she reached middle school. The rich spoilt kids picked on her. So what if her aunt didn’t come to pick her up with a Porsche or Mercedes, Cheryl’s bicycle was good enough! And of she though that was bad, the worse was yet to come. Once she reached High school, the academic portion began getting tougher, teachers spotted microscopic mistakes and she had a lot of confidence problems but when Joshua entered her life, everything seemed to magically transform. His false appreciation and shallow promises changed everything in her life. One look at that alluring smile and all those troubles seemed to wipe away from her life, disappear into thin air. Now, when he betrayed her for another girl, the black marks in Cheryl’s lives became more and more visible. More than the hurt of deception, the realization that she had to return to her lousy life ached even more.
Steadily Cheryl stood up and walked over to the mirror. She saw the reflection, lost in her own thoughts of deceit and hopelessness, she realized something. She wasn’t just a girl dumped by some guy, she was the girl who had been shattered by the guy who had no value to the world and she wasn’t going to let that affect her anymore. Wiping her tears, she tried to look confident. I can do it, she told to herself. I don’t need him. One day, I will get some one who isn’t using me to get my best friend but some one who likes me irrespective of who my best friend is. She grabbed her white handbag from Tara’s hand and turned to the two of them. “Come on, we are missing science class,” she informed the two of them and opened the door to the hallway.
“Glad she realized it,” Tara whispered to Sonia, with satisfaction on her friend’s return to normality.
“Yeah but she realized it too late. Science got over 10 minutes ago,” Sonia bantered, folding her hands and giving a grin. “We better not bump into Tr. Gupta or she’ll give an earful on skipping classes.” Sonia warned, turning to Cheryl.
They had reached the hallway, which was buzzing with excitement like it always does on the last day of school, before their Christmas break. Boys’ howls and girls’ giggles echoed in the room. Cheryl watched them; all so happy! She was in the same state that morning, with plans of Christmas time with Joshua on her mind. But then came that moment; the moment she overheard Leandra and Joshua, and Cheryl was crushed…real badly. She stuffed all her books into her pink bag, still trying very hard to get her mind off the harsh break up. “See you after the holidays, Leandra,” someone’s voice boomed through the hallway. She turned around to see her ex best friend in a pretty white mini skirt and a green halter top.
“Have a great holiday with Joshua…Oops! My bad,” Leandra hissed, and turned around hitting Cheryl on the face with her soft, brown hair but more importantly, in the heart by her cold words.

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“Miss Sonia Sharma,” A husky voice hit Sonia’s ears. Sonia knew that voice…she knew it very well. It was Tr. Gupta! Sonia’s froze in front of her locker and her heart was beating at the fastest rate. Gathering the courage to look Tr. Gupta in the eye, she slowly turned around, her fingers crossed and her mind running fast, searching for explanation.
“Just about where do you think you and your ‘gang’ was during my class today,” she continued, pointing towards her with a pen and giving an evil smile.
“Well…you see, madam…umm, Tara was hurt real badly on the ground so…umm…we took her to the…to the…nurse,” Sonia concluded, hesitantly. Once her cooked-up-at-the-spot story was presented, Sonia felt really proud of herself.
Tr. Gupta’s looked at her with a questioning expression and quizzed her further, “Couldn’t you bother to spare a few minutes and take my permission for it?”
“Umm…Yeah, actually her leg was bleeding way too much so we didn’t have time for permission. Sorry, this won’t happen again,” Tara apologized, faking an expression of shame. Tr.Gupta gave her a skeptic look, and told Sonia, “I want to see your friend’s injured leg before going home, okay?”
Sonia nodded. No problem, she told herself. All it would take was some bandages, ketchup and five minutes of rehearsing with Tara. She had done it a million times before but this time the level of excitement was higher because she never thought she would get an opportunity to use it on Tr. Gupta. She was the type of person who could make a hungry lion look friendly. But Sonia had gotten excited too soon because just when Tr. Gupta was about to leave, Tara shouted from the other end of the hallway, “Hey Sonia is Cheryl okay now?”
Damn! Sonia thought. Her back-to-normal heart beat began racing again.
Tr. Gupta turned around with a look of pure malice on her face, and with sadistic pleasure she beamed, “Broken leg, huh?”
Oh no! Horrible Timing Tara, jut plain horrible. Sonia said to herself.
When Tara noticed Tr. Gupta standing right there, she was dumfounded. “I…I…I-” Tara began.
“I heard from your friend here, that you were hurt, Tara,” Tr. Gupta said, twirling her pen, raising an eyebrow.
“Did…did I say Tara? Oh…I meant Cheryl. Forgetful me!” Sonia mumbled, hitting herself lightly on her head.
“Really? Which game was Cheryl playing, Tara?” Gupta said, shifting her gaze to the mumbling girl, but occasionally giving Sonia doubtful glimpses.
“I…I…actually…I”
“Ice hockey,” Sonia sang. “She was playing ice hockey, Tara,” she said, with clenched teeth patting Tara on her back, but deep inside she wanted to hit Tara like anything.
“Oh!” Tr. Gupta smiled, as if, for a minute, she almost believed them. Then she cleared her throat and continued, “That’s a fair reason but as much as I want to, I can’t believe you since we do not have an ice rink!”
SHIT!
Go get you third ‘gang member’. You students are in big trouble,” Tr. Gupta instructed. “Don’t mess with me, girls,” she reminded before she turned to walk over to the staff room.
Sonia turned around to call Cheryl, while Tara just stood there still trying to put her words into sentences, “I…science…bunked…I….Sonia…sorry…Tara…I.”
Tr. Gupta smiled to herself. She loved putting students on the right track, especially when they insisted that they weren’t on the wrong one.

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Tara was on the verge of crying when she walked out of the staffroom with Sonia and Cheryl. Unsure when she would break into tears, she hurried to her class to collect her books and rush off before she couldn’t hold her emotions anymore.
“Bye Tara,” a girl with an extremely large pimple on the face wished her. “Enjoy your holidays.”
Tara smiled at her meekly, “You too.”
Tara picked up her book and was about to make it out of class, but she was stopped by Jason.
“We need to talk, NOW,” He said, in a mocking way.
“Jason, can you call me later. I really can’t…”
“Oh! Later, huh? Why? So you can get more time to think up excuses? I need it now, Tara. I need to know why you dumped me.” He said, folding his arms across his chest.
“It’s nothing like that. I am just not in the state of…”
“Enough already!” Jason raised a hand. “Now spit it out.”
Tara looked the other way, and sighed. “Fine. I really don’t want you to feel bad, but somewhere along the way, you changed. You weren’t being yourself and I meant to talk to you about that. But all of a sudden there was…there was this…guy, and the feelings…they changed,” she bit her lip as she finished.
Jason looked at her angrily, rage in his eyes and Tara was clearly scared as to what could be his next move. She had never seen him like that before and he looked capable of turning the Eiffel tower upside down. Before Tara could realize what he was going to do next, she felt a hard lash on her right cheek, excruciatingly painful. The sound kept echoing in her ears, the murderous look in Jason’s eyes seemed to have been permanently settled in front of her eyes. Her cheek ached, it felt really bad and she could still feel the force of his sturdy hands. She couldn’t see it but was pretty sure it had turned red, and even her favorite chocolate shake couldn’t stop her from breaking into tears.
“Cry all you want,” Jason barked at her. “It’s your turn. And just wait till I tell everyone what a slut you are and that the only reason you went out with me was because you couldn’t find any other guy. You just watch, you bitch,” He said pointing a finger to her before he left angrily.
She fell on the floor, crying her heart out. She made all kinds of sounds and for some reason, everything bad in her life seemed to come to her. Tr. Gupta’s scolding in front of practically all the teachers, which was highly embarrassing. Her ex-boyfriend going around telling everyone that she was just playing with him, when it was actually Jason who would flirt with every other girl when she wasn’t around. And her secret crush on Joshua. She hated it! Her heart bled to death every time she saw her best friend, Cheryl, and Joshua hanging around the corridors. She tried so hard to put a damper on her feelings, because it wasn’t meant to be! Even after she realized what a jerk he was for cheating on Cheryl, her love for him still refused to fade off. Worst of all, she had no one to talk to about it. Obviously, she couldn’t tell Cheryl. And telling Sonia was out of question because she would give another one of her expert advice and offer solutions like, “Talk to Tara about it” or something. She cried and cried in the same hall for more than fifteen minutes. She hated her life!

Hey, TeenQueen. This looked interesting so I thought I'd review it for you.

Grammar

Maybe he knew all along that a day would come when it would end this way- he walking away with Leandra, who had always been like a sister to me and I sitting here and crying pathetically for my lost love, she told herself.

Okay, this paragraph kind of confused me. It just sounded kind of awkward. If I were writing this, I might try something like this: "Maybe he knew all along that the day would come when it would end. Leandra was a sister to me. Now, I'm sitting here crying for my lost love," she told herself. Also, I'm not sure if you accidentally switched to first person during this or you forgot to put quotes. This is also a run-on sentence. The bolded part seemed kind of random. She was talking about how close her and Leandra were, then you kind of just threw that in there.

“Don’t worry, it’s going to be all right,” Tara comforted her, with one hand on Cheryl’s shoulder and the other, fumbling with a tissue box.

Sonia kneeled on the marble floor of their school’s washroom and held Cheryl’s hand in hers, locking her grey pupils with Cheryl’s, she went on, “You know, if he didn’t have the courtesy to come up to you and talk about it politely, maybe he just wasn’t the right guy.

This is a very long sentence, hon. I think after "Cheryl's" it should be a full stop.

Her comforting, wise words and knowing smile weren’t enough to fulfill her expectation in life.

You used 'words' in the previous sentence. Maybe you could replace it with a different word. The bolded part seemed kind of out of place, and awkward. Maybe you could say something like this: ...weren't enough to make her feel any better about the situation.

All her life, Cheryl had known the bad side of life – her mother passed away two years ago and she lived with her conservative aunt, her one and only brother committed suicide and she was always picked on by the popular kids in her school. So what if her aunt didn’t come to pick her up with a Porsche or Mercedes, Cheryl’s bicycle was good enough! When she reached high school, things had become worse- with the portion getting tougher, teachers picking on her every single minute and difficulty in making friends but when Joshua entered her life, everything magically transformed.

This is telling, not showing. It's basically an info-drop. Show us this, don't just tell us.

I think your biggest problem with grammar are run-on sentences. Try to break them up. Doing different lengths makes the story run smoother.

Characters

I think your characters were realistic enough. However, I'm not sure why Leandra would be so mean to Cheryl. You made it seem like Joshua just left Cheryl for Leandra. You never really said anything about Leandra hating Cheryl, or being mad at her.

The dialogue was pretty realistic. I liked the fact that you made Cheryl's friends really comforting. I think maybe they could sound just a little more upset for Cheryl. They just seem to be telling her stuff.

Overall

Okay, the plot seemed a little cliche to me. I think you need to try to make it more original. I've read plenty stories about the girl getting her boyfriend stolen by her best friend and they end up hating each other. I've also read about abusive relationships. I hope you can find a way to but a twist in your story. Sorry if that sounded harsh.

Also, I thought this story was taking place around Christmas. I don't see how it could be the last day of school. Maybe you could say that it was the last day before holiday break.

This does have potential and I'm interested to see where you go with it.

Hi Queen! Kat's here for a review -- as requested!

Line by line [nit-picks!]

“This is the worst day of my life,” Cheryl wailed, tears streaming down her rosy cheeks. Being dumped by her boyfriend of three years for her best friend just before Christmas wasn’t her idea of a perfect holiday.

I believe that instead of a comma after 'life' it would be better an exclamation point (!). It would sound more dramatic. Nice description, after.
But commas in the second sentence. Between 'years' and 'for', after 'friend and after 'Christmas'. Those are extra words, extra description, like where and when. Those should come between commas.

“I mean, it was all so perfect. All those things he told me? Was it all just a joke?” she murmured helplessly, among tears and sniffs. Maybe he knew all along that a day would come when it would end this way- he walking away with Leandra, who had always been like a sister to me and I sitting here and crying pathetically for my lost love, she told herself.

Capitalize the 'she' after her first line, on the dialogue. Comma after 'come', before 'when'. After the word 'Leandra', the sentence just seems wrongly worded. You can either put it like: "She, who has always been like a sister to me! And now, I'm here crying pathetically for my lost love!" She said, more to herself.
Or: ...Leandra, whom has always been like a sister to her, and now, that she is crying pathetically for her lost love, she realizes the betrayal.
Or something like that.

Tara comforted her, with one hand on Cheryl’s shoulder and the other, fumbling with a tissue box.

The comma after 'other' isn't needed.

“You know, if he didn’t have the courtesy to come up to you and talk about it politely, maybe he just wasn’t the right guy.

'Have' should be had.

[...] ran it through Cheryl’s pitch black hair comfortingly.

It? As in her hands? Then, it should be 'them'. Also, put a comma after hair, dear.

“But…but I love him more than Tara loves her chocolate shake!” Cheryl whined, as she fished out the last tissue paper from the second box.

Funny

“always remember these words, Cheryl. Joshua doesn’t deserve the tears you’re shedding for him.

Capitalize the 'Always'. Maybe try to take out the second period, and put an exclamation point. I think their friends would be a little... overwhelmed and would start talking a bit loud at her, after she hadn't understood what they're trying to tell her.

Cheryl knew what they were saying was true and that the guy was really not meant for her but this wasn’t about him, it was about something that mattered more - it was about her.

Comma after 'for her'.

and took away her cell forever. [...] is what he had said.

Cell, as in cell phone? then you should put 'phone' in too, because I had to read it twice to find the right meaning for that word. 'Is' should be 'was'.

Living with a poor aunt seemed to get harder once she reached middle school. The rich spoilt kids picked on her. So what if her aunt didn’t come to pick her up with a Porsche or Mercedes, [...] And of

Comma after 'harder' and 'spoilt' should be spoiled. Just a typo, right? Instead of a comma after 'Mercedes' put an interrogation point. 'of' should be 'if'.

[...]microscopic mistakes and she had a lot of confidence problems but when Joshua entered her life, [...]the black marks in Cheryl’s lives

Period after 'problems', and trade 'but' for 'when'. 'lives' should be just life.

Wiping her tears, she tried to look confident. I can do it, she told to herself. I don’t need him. One day, I will get some one who isn’t using me to get my best friend but some one who likes me irrespective of who my best friend is.

Put her thoughts in italic. Like this: I can do it, she told to herself. I don’t need him. One day, I will get some one who isn’t using me to get my best friend but some one who likes me irrespective of who my best friend is.

[...] was just paying with him,

'Paying' should be 'playing'.

Overall: This was very interesting. It's a bit unreal that all this happens in the same day, but still, it was a nice read. Do, please, inform me when you post the next part

Feel free to PM me if you need anything, and stop by my WRFF thread, if you think you're satisfied with your review, and request another!
*Kat*

TeenQueen wrote:“This is the worst day of my life,” Cheryl wailed, tears streaming down her rosy cheeks.

This is a general pet peeve of mine. Starting stories with dialogue. Give me a good 'wow' opening sentence. 'I am quite positive that (Boy's Name) is the biggest douche bag in the world.'

TeenQueen wrote:“I mean, it was all so perfect. All those things he told me? Was it all just a joke?” she murmured helplessly, among tears and sniffs.

Is she talking to someone or is she just mumbling to herself? I would give her someone to talk to, a sister, another friend, even a doll or stuffed animal. ((reading down a little further I realize she has a friend )) I would establish this a little sooner I think because right now I think she's a little nuts

TeenQueen wrote: Maybe he knew all along that a day would come when it would end this way- he ((him)) walking away with Leandra, who had always been like a sister to me and I sitting here and crying pathetically for my lost love, she told herself.

TeenQueen wrote:“Don’t worry, it’s going to be al ((all)) right,” Tara comforted her, with one hand on Cheryl’s shoulder and the other, fumbling with a tissue box. “Those green eyes don’t go well with all those tears. Come on now, wipe it off.”

eh, I see you're trying to incorporate Cheryl's looks but, eh, I think you could do it better. Nice friendly line but it feels a slightly lame to me trying to put the looks in too.

TeenQueen wrote:“But…but I love him more than Tara loves her chocolate shake!” Cheryl whined, covering her face with both her hands.

What? That made no sense to me. (Reading slightly further again I notice a third friend.) I think I would introduce these two friends in the very beginning to establish the scene because again, I feel like Cheryl is slightly crazy because she's talking to Tara and then saying something about Tara to Tara.

TeenQueen wrote:locking her grey pupils with Cheryl’s,

Pupils are black.
Iris's can be grey, I would just say eyes if you really want to describe eyes here.

TeenQueen wrote: it was about something that mattered more - it was about her. (I would put a new paragraph here) All her life, Cheryl had known the bad side of life –

TeenQueen wrote: with the portion getting tougher,

This didn't really make sense to me. When you say portion do you mean classes or responsibilities or something like that?

TeenQueen wrote:everything magically transformed. His false appreciation and shallow promises metamorphosis everything in her life.

This seems a little contradicting to me. 'magically transformed' makes me think that really good changes came into her life, but the things you mentioned don't seem to be very positive.
Also, metamorphosis doesn't fit in. I understand what you're trying to say with the word but it's in the wrong tense or something. 'shallow promises metamorphosed' (I think that's right). Right now it's in the present tense and it should be in the past (whatever that is )

TeenQueen wrote:the black marks in Cheryl’s live[s]s[/s] became more and more visible.

I like how you described this.

TeenQueen wrote:She wasn’t just a girl in a blue top, she was the girl who had been shattered by some guy who had no value to the world and she wasn’t going to let that happen to her.

Underlined/italicized: The second one is good, I like it. The first one seems weak to me. Make it be more of a parallel to the second line. Something about relationships, love, boys, etc. so it has more of a correlation.
Just underlined: Wait but didn't it already happen? Or do you mean she's not going to let it affect her?

TeenQueen wrote: Wiping her tears, she tried to look confident. I can do it, she told to herself. I don’t need him. One day, I will get some one who isn’t using me to get my best friend but some one who likes me irrespective of who my best friend is. She grabbed her white handbag from Tara’s hand and turned to the two of them. “Come on, we are missing science class,” she informed the two of them and opened the door to the hallway.

Italicize the underlined phrases because they are Cheryl's thoughts.

TeenQueen wrote:“We better not bump into Tr. ((Mr. ?)) Gupta or she’ll give an earful on skipping classes.” Sonia warned, turning to Cheryl.

TeenQueen wrote:They had reached the hallway, which was buzzing with excitement like it always does on the last day of school.

Oh. It's the last day of school?
I actually didn't even realize they were in a school until the previously mentioned washroom. It felt to me like they were in Cheryl's bedroom or something.
I think what can make this a lot stronger, and this goes back to that dynamic opening, is starting off with a couple paragraph of just setting and setting up what's happening. Establish that they are in a school and it's the last day of school, they are in the wash room and Cheryl has two friends with her because he boyfriend just broke up with her. We'll get a better feel and sense of the characters and it won't just be all dialogue because right now that's what it feels like.

TeenQueen wrote: “Have a great holiday with Joshua…Oops! My bad,” Leandra hissed, and turned around hitting Cheryl on the face with her soft, brown hair but more importantly, in the heart by her cold words.

Wow. They were friends?
She is a bitch. If that was my 'friend' I would hit her!


I'm going to come back and do more later!

Don't get discouraged, this is a good start!

-Carly

Part Deux.

TeenQueen wrote:Unsure when the river might start flowing, she hurried to her class to collect her books and rush off before she couldn’t hold her emotions anymore.

Phrases like this just kind of annoy me. I don't know what it is about them, I just don't really like how they sound. Just say something like 'Tears formed in her eyes as...'

TeenQueen wrote:Tara smiled at her meekly, “You [s]do[/s] too.”

TeenQueen wrote:Tara picked up her book and was about to make it out of class, but she was stopped by Jason.

Who is Jason? An old boyfriend? Friend? Brother? Verify this here, right away.

TeenQueen wrote:“Enough already!” Jason raised a hand. “Now spit it out.”

Well he sounds like a douche. I can see why she would want to break up with him

TeenQueen wrote:Tara looked the other way, and sighed. “Fine. I really don’t want you to feel bad((,)) but somewhere along the way, you changed. You weren’t being yourself and I meant to talk to you about that. But all of a sudden there was…there was this…guy, and the feelings…they changed,” she bit her lip as she finished.

TeenQueen wrote:((new paragraph here)) Jason looked at her angrily, rage in his eyes and Tara was scared that he could do anything at that moment.

Again, both of these phrases just don't sound good to me.
Try something like 'Jason was clearly angry at what she said and Tara was afraid for what he would do.'

TeenQueen wrote: She had never seen him like that before and he looked capable of turning the Eiffel tower upside down. ]Before Tara could realize what he was going to do next, she felt a hard lash on her right cheek, excruciatingly painful.

Yep, he's a douche.
But about that phrase...I think I've figured it out. You tend to tell more than you show. And by that I mean you say to much about what could happen or may happen and you don't show enough of what's actually happening.
Try something like this: 'Tara turned and felt a sharp slap across her cheek, she bit back the tears.'

TeenQueen wrote:She fell on the floor, crying her heart out. She emitted all kinds of sounds and for some reason, everything bad in her life seemed to come to her.

I don't think this is the best word choice
Try 'made' or something.

TeenQueen wrote: Tr. ((Mr.)) Gupta’s scolding in front of practically all the teachers, which was highly embarrassing.

TeenQueen wrote: Her ex-boyfriend going around telling everyone that she was just paying ((playing?)) with him, when it was actually Jason who would flirt with every other girl when she wasn’t around.

Again, you've got a good start here, keep up the good work.
If you want me to help you with the rest, I'll be happy to do so.

-Carly

Well, I'm not exactly going to review it. It's good, but she's not going to commit suicide is she? 'Cos it's not exactly a nice way to end a story and it would take away from the basic plot.
More importantly, I hope you're not planning on commiting suicide yourself!

Here by request! =)

I have not read the reviews posted before me, so if I repeat anything, forgive me.

Lets first start on the nitpicks.

She remembered the words Joshua said to her at that time. “Forget your aunt. I’d love you even if you had an army behind you,” is what he had said. It was now that she could see the falseness underlining those words.

Is should be 'was'. Actually take out the whole underlined part. It's quite unnecessary as we already know that Joshua's being quoted.

The rich spoilt kids picked on her. So what if her aunt didn’t come to pick her up with a Porsche or Mercedes, Cheryl’s bicycle was good enough! And of she though that was bad, the worse was yet to come.

'if' and 'thought', perhaps?

Once she reached High school, the academic portion began getting tougher, teachers spotted microscopic mistakes and she had a lot of confidence problems but when Joshua entered her life, everything seemed to magically transform.

High school doesn't need to be capitalized.

She saw the reflection, lost in her own thoughts of deceit and hopelessness, she realized something. She wasn’t just a girl dumped by some guy, she was the girl who had been shattered by the guy who had no value to the world and she wasn’t going to let that affect her anymore.

I think you need to rephrase that.

She saw the reflection, lost in own thoughts of deceit and hopelessness. She realized something; she wasn't just a dumped by some guy, but she was the girl who had been shattered by the guy who had no values, and she wasn't going to let that affect her anymore.

Note the commas, semicolons and periods.

Wiping her tears, she tried to look confident. I can do it, she told to herself. I don’t need him. One day, I will get some one who isn’t using me to get my best friend, but some one who likes me irrespective of who my best friend is.

Added a comma in there.

She grabbed her white handbag from Tara’s hand and turned to the two of them. “Come on, we are missing science class,” she informed the two of them and opened the door to the hallway.

Get rid of the second 'the two of them'. You already mentioned she's talking to the two of them, so need to say it again. But, if you still want to mention that she said it to both of them, then rephrase 'two of them'. It gets too repetitive.

“See you after the holidays, Leandra,” someone’s voice boomed through the hallway. She turned around to see her ex best friend in a pretty white mini skirt and a green halter top.
“Have a great holiday with Joshua…Oops! My bad,” Leandra hissed, and turned around hitting Cheryl on the face with her soft, brown hair but more importantly, in the heart by her cold words.

This is a little confusing. Does Leandra say: “Have Oops! My bad."?
Or was it the person who had called out to Leandra in the beginning of the paragraph? It seems as if Leandra says this, but that makes it confusing. Is she saying it back to the person who'd said this to her. Why does that hurt Cheryl? But if she'd just stating it, not saying to the other person, it doesn't make sense. Why would she say that?
She might say "I'm going to have great a great holiday with Joshua…" That would make more sense, and I could totally understand how Cheryl would be hurt by that.

So just clear up that confusion. : )

Sonia knew that voice…she knew it very well.

Sonia knew that voice. She knew it very well.

Sonia’s froze in front of her locker and her heart was beating at the fastest rate.

Sonia's what froze?

Gathering the courage to look Tr. Gupta in the eye, she slowly turned around, her fingers crossed and her mind running fast, searching for explanation.

for 'an' explanation?

“Just [s]about [/s]where do you think you and your ‘gang’ was during my class today,” she continued, pointing towards her with a pen and giving an evil smile.

Take out the 'about' and change that comma into a question mark.

“Well…you see, madam…umm, Tara was hurt real badly on the ground so…umm…we took her to the…to the…nurse,”

That doesn't really make any sense.

Oh no! Horrible Timing Tara, jut plain horrible. Sonia said to herself.

How about:

Oh no! Horrible timing, Tara. Just plain horrible, Sonia said to herself.

Go get you third ‘gang member’. You students are in big trouble,” Tr. Gupta instructed.

Should be 'your' .

“We need to talk, NOW,” He said, in a mocking way.

Should be: “We need to talk, now,” He said, in a mocking way.

also I don't see how he could be saying that in a 'mocking' way.

So basically you need to check up on your commas and typos. also awkward wording. I think what would really help is if you reread your story out loud. It really helps to spot all the mistakes in the writing.

Your basic issue is that your story matter is very cliche. Now that's not such a big problem if you make that cliche plot unique. Yes make it unique. Make these breakups out of the ordinary, so very different from other stories. You can achieve that through your characters and their inner dialogue. How do they think inside their heads? Each character must have a unique and different way of looking at the world and reacting with their surroundings.

This story and the characters have potential. You just have to cultivate that potential. I hope you continue this and keep in mind the things I have pointed out.

Good luck! PM me if you have any questions.

Keep writing!
-Zehra