Young Writers Society

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Hey, Lynn! Wow. You know what? I thought this was an incredibly enjoyable read. Of course, even the best poetry can be improved. But still! I was extremely impressed.

Suggestions, nit-picks, re-writes

Brown like Hershey’s chocolate, but not like coca

I found this line unnecessary. Your readers are hardly interested in the exact shade of brown the narrator's skin has turned. I think if you explained something a bit more personal (for instance, if their heart was beating like this but not like that) then it might work. Also, the mention of brand names in poetry always is either brilliant or bad news. I don't think it fits here.

In short? Rewrite this line, love.

I should not have let him carry me.

Words cannot describe my love for this line.

The heat filled my up, made my shy heart beat faster

The first 'my' should be 'me', but I don't really like this line either. You have some amazing lines, but I don't think this is one of them. Surely there's something more interesting to say than her 'shy heart' is beating faster? There's not much imagery in that.

We wanted oh so much, to be too much.

Hmm. Not loving the 'oh so much', to be honest. I think the concept of this line is wonderful, but perhaps tweak the delivery?

Gilded gold and beautiful, but

With the gold wings, that bore both of us aloft,

But it melted the golden wings.

I think we get it; the wings are golden. The first line of this is perfect, with a lovely image, but the second two descriptions are just redundant. Surely the wings are something other than gold? Surely there's something other than the wings to describe?

I lay next to my beautiful Icarus.

I think this last line would be even more effective if it was it's very own stanza at the end of the poem. It doesn't really fit with the stanza you've put it in anyway. Ya?

So, wow. I though this was such a sweet sort of melancholy; I'm sure you'll do well submitting it to whatever. I think your descriptions painted vivid images, as long as those images weren't repeated. Be sure that you don't spend the entire poem dwelling on his golden wings.
Even if they are beautiful and fragile and cold to the touch.

The unstructered part of this poem made it all the better-- it was also wonderfully original, so that I wasn't dying of boredom as I dragged myself through an angsty teen poem of lost love. The mataphor of falling due to another's failure is powerful, yet still very open for negotiation. What do I mean by this? I mean that this is a poem of which many interpretations can be made, becuase the analogy was vague enough while still making sense.

So, wonderful job here. I hope to see much more of your petry floating around!

~Evi

Excellent poem. I always like poems that make sense but don't ryhme or anything. Haha I've had a discouraging thing happen lately with that. Haha.

CK Lynn wrote:MY ICARUS

His wings of wax,
Gilded gold and beautiful, but
Cold to the touch and too soft.

I should not have let him carry me.

The sun baked my skin a crisp brown as we got closer This part kind of confused me, but hey, maybe it's just symbolism or a metaphor that i have yet to figure out.
Brown like Hershey’s chocolate, but not like coca I agree that you shouldn't use a brand name here, and I don't think this line is necessary.
The heat filled me up, made my shy heart beat faster
And I told him I loved him.

As we flew higher, I put my arms around his neck.

My sweet boy, a face all blue eyes and innocence
With the gold wings, that bore both of us aloft,
So we could touch the sun an feel its power
Beat deep in our veins, like our mothers’ blood.

We wanted oh so much, to be too much. I'm not sure the comma in here is needed.

His mouth brushed my hair
Tenderly, gently
How many adjectives does it take to describe him?
Too many to make up for the singular one that eludes me.

Sweet boy, good boy,
Just a boy who could not accept that a boy was all he was. I really like this line, for some reason. Somehow, I can relate to it. I'm just not sure why.

We wanted to touch the power, feel its tingle on our skin,
But it melted the golden wings.
The fall was fast, the impact hard, and the earth smelled sweeter than I remembered.
I lay next to my beautiful Icarus.

Altogether, nicely done. I was a little confused at the beginning of this poem, but it really pulled together nicely in the middle and end. You're punctuation is great, which I wish to point out because I have reviewed many poems without proper punctuation (and my poem punctuation isn't too great either). Fantastic imagery, and word choice. This flowed nicely, though it was ever so slightly off at some points. Well done!

Thanks to everyone who reviewed! I'm now working on the reivsed version.

Hi!

Brown like Hershey’s chocolate, but not like coca

Rawr. I don't like the Hershey's chocolate comparison because it ruins the whole lovely image of the boy and the girl and the sun. You're speaking of golden wings and Greek mythology-type things, and it's beautiful, and then it's all countered by the commerciality of Hershey's chocolate. Doesn't fit.

I do like the second stanza in that (did you do this on purpose?) (to me, anyway) it's where the poem speeds up a little bit, which mirrors the speeding up of her heart.

So we could touch the sun an feel its power

*and

Too many to make up for the [s]singular[/s] one that eludes me.

I'd get rid of the 'singular' here because just saying 'the one that eludes me' would be enough to get your point across, and this line is a bit too long anyway.

We wanted to touch the power, feel its tingle on our skin,
But it melted the golden wings.

I don't like the 'it's here; not exactly sure why, it's just that I think that they're filler words and you could find better ones and it also is too repetitive. Even something like but power melted the golden wings would work better, although it takes the line from a literal meaning to a metaphorical one. ^^

Okay! So, overall, I thought this poem was wonderful; it conveys a bittersweet kind of sadness, and heartbreak, and it's really beautiful and I love it and it's fantastic. There. And I agree with Evi, it's a great analogy because it's just vague enough to be universal, but it works. I also like that you didn't overdo it on how beautiful this boy is, but I still get the picture of some young, naive angel.


-Mars

Honestly, honestly, honestly. This is sooooo beautiful. I love how you turn Icarus into a love story.

His wings of wax,

Gilded gold and beautiful, but

Cold to the touch and too soft.


I should not have let him carry me.

I think "gilded gold" is redundant because golden is the definition of gilded. It's almost like saying "whitewashed white." Besides that nitpick, the flow here is phenomenal. I love the natural pause between the first three lines and "I should not have let him carry me."

The sun baked my skin a crisp brown as we got closer

Brown like Hershey’s chocolate, but not like coca

The heat filled me up, made my shy heart beat faster

And I told him I loved him.


As we flew higher, I put my arms around his neck.

Okay, I agree that the word "Hershey's" is out of place here. But I wouldn't throw out this simile. I think you have something in mind by comparing Hershey's chocolate and cocoa (it should be "cocoa," unless you mean cocaine!). I don't think the reader understands exactly what you mean by this comparison and it gives the poem a beautiful sense of mystery. So maybe you could keep it but just rework it somehow?

I disagree with Evi about the last two lines of this stanza; I think they're great.

My sweet boy, a face all blue eyes and innocence

With the gold wings, that bore both of us aloft,

So we could touch the sun an feel its power

Beat deep in our veins, like our mothers’ blood.


We wanted oh so much, to be too much.

I think golden instead of "gold" would flow better here. The part about blood is really, really great.

I don't think I understand the last line, but it's probably just me.

His mouth brushed my hair

Tenderly, gently

How many adjectives does it take to describe him?

Too many to make up for the singular one that eludes me.


Sweet boy, good boy,

Just a boy who could not accept that a boy was all he was.

I also think you should cut "singular".

I love how you say that you need "too many" adjectives to describe him, and in the next lines you use kind of plain words like "sweet" and "nice". It's genius.

We wanted to touch the power, feel its tingle on our skin,

But it melted the golden wings.

The fall was fast, the impact hard, and the earth smelled sweeter than I remembered.

I lay next to my beautiful Icarus.

I don't like the passive voice in the third line, especially "the impact hard". But I love how you give the sad story a bit of hope by saying that the earth smells sweeter.

Sorry for all the nitpicks. Obviously, I love this poem so much that I am almost beside myself. Bravo!
-rachel

Hiya!

Beginning: The first stanza here, along with the single line after it, seem to contradict the rest of the poem. Mostly it's "Cold to the touch and too soft." that are contradictory. The whole poem is about loving the sun and Icarus, and I find the first stanza doesn't have any completion at the end of the poem. The end is still very much into the beauty of everything, not tinged with regret at all.

The Chocolate: I think what you mean by that Hershey’s chocolate reference is that her skin was melt-able, but that's not very obvious. Change the wording to make it so. (Just a side-note: Chocolate wasn't even known by the Greeks. You might want to find something else to take it's place).

Meaning: I find the meaning could be emphasized a bit more. It's touched on on stanza one, but, like I said, you never really get into it any farther. The poem switches meaning from a cautionary tale to a poem about beauty. I don't mind the theme being beauty, but just to let you know that the meaning is a bit inconsistent. ^_^

Overall: I liked a lot of this poem. The word choice and flow were smooth, and there were very few issues to detract from the poem.

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

Wow. I'm admittedly very, very bad at critiquing poetry, but I thought this was beautiful. I loved loved LOVED the lines "Sweet boy, good boy/ Just a boy who could not accept that a boy was all he was." Awesome. Great job.