Young Writers Society

“Watch it, asshole!”

Micah heard the distinct crunch of his eighth pair of spectacles being stomped into yet another shapeless heap. Up against the cool metal of the locker, he felt almost weightless, suspended by the fist that had buried itself into his shirt.

“I’m waiting, dickhead.”

Repeating the previously rehearsed line for what seemed like the thousandth time, Micah replied monotonously, “I humbly beg for your forgiveness, Colin. It was entirely my fault and I deserve to be punished for it.”

“Damn right, you do.” Colin grinned sinisterly. The hand from his shirt snaked around Micah’s throat, coiling round him like a Boa Constrictor, cutting off most of his air supply. “How should I deal with you today?”

“Hey Col, Heston didn’t sound very sincere. That deserves something a little extra, don’t it?”

“Why,” Colin responded in a falsely sweet tone dripping with venom. “You’re absolutely right, Dean!”

Micah could make out a faint shape hovering in front of him with his blurry vision. It disappeared and sudden hurtled itself into his face. The pain shot through his nose and spread to the rest of his face. His face burned and stung, but not a sound escaped his lips. He dared not even to utter the softest of whimpers, nor did he put up a struggle.

“So what did that get, huh?” Colin demanded bitterly.

Micah gasped, he couldn’t speak with the hand gripped firmly around his throat. His adversary seemed to realise it, releasing his hold on his windpipe, Micah was lowered to the floor. “Ten,” He wheezed, clutching his throat.

“Wrong answer,” Colin smiled savagely, aiming a kick at Micah’s weak spot. The boy doubled over in pain, rolling on the floor in sheer agony. Little glass shards of his spectacle lens sliced tiny cuts into his arm as he squirmed on the floor. A minute later, he heard his Physics textbook being torn apart, the ripping sounds drowned out by gleeful snickers. The remnants were flung onto the floor, where it bounced off his head, just as his aggressors had intended.

“February twelfth’s your lucky day Houston.” Colin sneered. A flicker of emotion passed his eyes and went unnoticed. Micah groaned audibly, his body still racked with pain. “You sound so excited. Today is going to be such a fun day for all of us. I know it will.”

The boy heard fading footsteps and presumed his tormentors to be gone, for the moment at least. He groped around on the freshly waxed floors, searching for his book and spectacle frames, wincing every time his palm landed on broken glass, creating a fresh cut.

For three hundred and sixty four days, he dreaded this moment, this day. Tomorrow, he’d begin the cycle anew, living in constant fear. On a normal day, business would include a few punches and kicks, some belongings would be destroyed. In addition, his head might be stuffed down the toilet, he could be made the butt of jokes or his pants might be yanked down for all to view the scenery. Basically, Colin Beckley knew every bullying trick in current existence.

Hell, that hurt like crap. Micah’s blood boiled at the thought of Colin’s satisfaction at inflicting injury on him. There was this craving to avenge himself, to be the one making Colin tossed on the ground in agony, to make him smell that sharp, pungent floor wax.

But it was also precisely this need to have revenge that made Micah understand.
**********
“S-stop, please!” The boy choked, coughing his words out, along with the red liquid that started to trail down his lips.

“Do you think we should order them to stop, Mic?”

The youth shook his head in a slow, deliberate motion and his companion delighted in the answer. Raymond would have been mighty pissed off if he ruined his fun. This new feeling of power and dominance was too good for Micah to let go of. He felt superior and respected. Feared.

Raymond folded his arms, his mouth twisted into a cruel smile, “That’ll teach you a lesson. Think twice the next time you try to make a fool out of me.”

Beside him, Micah watched intently as his gang of friends dealt blow after blow on the figure curled up defenselessly on the floor. There was a slight pang of remorse in the pit of his stomach, but the feeling was easily squashed into obsolescence.

“So what did that get, huh?” Raymond asked, pretending to be in deep thought. “I think it deserves a three. I could hit harder.”

The boy pleaded, gasping for air, “Ten! Ten! Please, stop!”

Raymond looked eagerly to his company for the response he expected. The boy stared at Micah with huge, imploring eyes.

“Help me, Houston.”

A wave of annoyance washed over Micah at being referred to with that silly nickname. They were no longer nine and pretending to be astronauts on a mission for NASA. He eyed the pitiful sight condescendingly and replied coldly, turning away as more punches continued to rain down on the boy.

“Wrong answer,”

read it, liked it, will review as soon as I get home (using the school computer again) and have time. Vale!

Hi there, I was just passing, and I stumbled over this little piece looking a little lonely, so I have decided to review this for you!! (: My reviewing techniques are as follows: All my comments will be in bold and [] and any edits I make will be just in bold. I will first go through the whole piece for you then at the end I will talk you through the whole review. I hope that's covered everything and that this review will help you out!! (:

Meep(: wrote:“Watch it, asshole!” [Define who says this - even if it's just an annoyed voice yelped out - it needs something]

Micah heard the distinct crunch of his eighth pair of spectacles being stomped into yet another shapeless heap. Up against the cool metal of the locker, he felt almost weightless, suspended by the fist that had buried itself into his shirt.

“I’m waiting, dickhead.”

Repeating the previously rehearsed line for what seemed like the thousandth time, Micah replied monotonously, “I humbly beg for your forgiveness, Colin. It was entirely my fault and I deserve to be punished for it.”

“Damn right, you do.” Colin grinned sinisterly. The hand from his shirt snaked around Micah’s throat, coiling round him like a Boa Constrictor and cutting off most of his air supply. “How should I deal with you today?”

“Hey Col, Heston didn’t sound very sincere. That deserves something a little extra, don’t it?” [Who says this? You need to be careful that its obvious who's saying what otherwise it can get confusing]

“Why,” Colin responded in a falsely sweet tone dripping with venom. “You’re absolutely right, Dean!”

Micah could make out a faint shape hovering in front of him with his blurry vision. It disappeared and suddenly hurtled itself into his face. The pain shot through his nose and spread quickly? Slowly...?] to the rest of his face. His face burned and stung, but not a sound escaped his lips. He dared not even to utter the softest of whimpers, nor did he put up a struggle. [A bit more emotions/feelings need to be added in - I haven't a clue what your MC feels towards these two people nor what he's thinking - you need to make the whole situation more personal to your MC, because at the moment he sounds slightly detached from it all, as though he's just watching it, and is not an actual part of it]

“So what did that get, huh?” [I don't quite understand what he means - try and rephrase this] Colin demanded bitterly.

Micah gasped, he couldn’t speak with the hand gripped firmly around his throat. His adversary seemed to realise it, releasing his hold on his windpipe, Micah was lowered to the floor. “Ten,” [So this question and answer thing seems to be a little ritual of theirs - so expand on this and show us what it's all about] He wheezed, clutching his throat.

“Wrong answer,” Colin smiled savagely, aiming a kick at Micah’s weak spot [which is where?]. The boy doubled over in pain, rolling on the floor in sheer agony. Little glass shards of his spectacle lens sliced tiny cuts into his arm as he squirmed on the floor. A minute later, he heard his Physics textbook being torn apart, the ripping sounds drowned out by gleeful snickers. The remnants were flung onto the floor, where it bounced off his head, just as his aggressors had intended.

“February twelfth’s your lucky day Houston.” Colin sneered. A flicker of emotion passed his eyes [how can your MC notice this with his blurred vision? And what kind of emotion?] and went unnoticed. Micah groaned audibly, his body still racked with pain. “You sound so excited. Today is going to be such a fun day for all of us. I know it will.” [Who says this - Colin or Dean? I'm guessing it's Colin, but you need to make this clearer]

The boy [change this to your MC's actual name] heard fading footsteps and presumed his tormentors to be gone, for the moment at least [what does he feel/think about this...?]. He groped around on the freshly waxed floors, searching for his book and spectacle frames, wincing every time his palm landed on broken glass, creating a fresh cut.

For three hundred and sixty four days, he dreaded this moment, this day. Tomorrow, he’d begin the cycle anew, living in constant fear. On a normal day, business would include a few punches and kicks, some belongings would be destroyed. In addition, his head might be stuffed down the toilet, he could be made the butt of jokes or his pants might be yanked down for all to view the scenery. Basically, Colin Beckley knew every bullying trick in current existence.

Hell, that hurt like crap [I would have this in italics as a direct thought?]. Micah’s blood boiled at the thought of Colin’s satisfaction at inflicting injury on him [brilliant!! Your MC's emotions/thoughts are finally being revealed, now just try and add in a bit more earlier on (: ]. There was this craving to avenge himself, to be the one making Colin tossed on the ground [slightly awkward sounding, try: to be the one to make Colin toss around on the floor.... Does that sound better?] in agony, to make him smell that sharp, pungent floor wax.

But it was also precisely this need to have revenge that made Micah understand [Understand what? Expand on this].
**********
“S-stop, please!” The boy [add in a little description - what is it that separates this boy from any other boy? ] choked, coughing his words out, along with the red liquid that had started to trail down his lips.

“Do you think we should order them to stop, Mic?” [Who says this?]

The youth [is this Mic? Again, you need to make sure it's crystal clear as to who's doing/saying what, otherwise it's confusing] shook his head in a slow, deliberate motion and his companion delighted in the answer. Raymond would have been mighty pissed off if he ruined his fun. This new feeling of power and dominance was too good for Micah to let go of. He felt superior and respected. Feared. [Now this jump from being bullied to looking over someone else being bullied is a huge transition - but a very abrupt and confusion one. I'm slightly confused as to why this is happening, when, etc. Expand on this event - is this before or after your MC was bullied, is this happening because your MC was always being bullied...? I don't know, you need to tell me, flesh this out with that kind of background information to make this a lot clearer]

Raymond folded his arms, his mouth twisted into a cruel smile, “That’ll teach you a lesson. Think twice the next time you try to make a fool out of me.”

Beside him, Micah watched intently as his gang of friends dealt blow after blow on the figure [some character description, please? (: ] curled up defenselessly on the floor. There was a slight pang of remorse in the pit of his stomach, but the feeling was easily squashed into obsolescence [great use of MC emotions here - great job (: ].

“So what did that get, huh?” Raymond asked, pretending to be in deep thought. “I think it deserves a three. I could hit harder.”

The boy pleaded, gasping for air, “Ten! Ten! Please, stop!”

Raymond looked eagerly to his company for the response he expected. The boy stared at Micah with huge, imploring eyes.

“Help me, Houston.”

A wave of annoyance washed over Micah at being referred to with that silly nickname. They were no longer nine and pretending to be astronauts on a mission for NASA. He eyed the pitiful sight condescendingly and replied coldly, turning away as more punches continued to rain down on the boy.

“Wrong answer,” [Ooh, good way to end this]

last Minute Views
Your MC
Your MC's character needs a little working on and developing. At the start of this he seemed slightly detached from what was happening - I couldn't get a feel at all of what he was thinking/feeling. If you go through this and read it aloud, add in the emotions/thoughts of your MC where you think they are necessary/needed, and that will help develop your character immensely .

Plot
Now, the plot of this was very interesting, but I don't think they whole idea of it came across properly. I pointed this out above, but the change from the first scene to the next needs explaining and fleshing out a bit more. If you do that I think this chapter will improve a lot as the whole idea/meaning of it will come through completely (:

Who said/did what?
Some of the actions/speech was confusing as I didn't know who did or said it. If you just go through where I pointed out this happened and add in a little more detail, then this problem will be cured !!

Description
There was absolutely no problems there!! I loved your style of describing things, and there wasn't too much or too less of it which was brilliant!! (:

Overall Thoughts
I enjoyed reading this chapter and with a little work on the small details it should improve a lot!! I loved your style of writing and way of describing; it made very enjoyable reading: you have very promising potential =D.
I really hope this review helps you out and sorry if I was too harsh throughout this, I promise you I do it with the best intentions!! If you have any questions at all please don't hesitate to PM me, Ill be more than happy to help .

Keep Writing and good luck with this piece!!
--Lucyy xx

Thanks lucyy, you were a great help! I really appreciate it!
You weren't harsh at all. Just giving constructive criticism.
Which was what I was looking for XD

I'm glad I could help you out =D
--Lucyy xx

Hey =]

This story was so sad

I felt so sorry for Micah!

I can't really find anything else to pick out that Lucyy hasn't already pointed out to you.

It's sad, but the concept of your story is so true. Bullied kids picking on other weak kids to make themselves feel better - though I liked how you made Micah reluctant to be part of the bullying.

Well, I suppose this was a rather pointless review, but I felt that I needed to tell you how good this was. Once the mistakes have been cleared up, this will be a brilliant little story.

Great job!

xDudettex

Hiya, Meep!

I was just scrolling the front page and this caught my eye. Now, I don't normally review much I see on the homepage, but I couldn't stop reading this!
I love the whole mood you've created here. Sympathy, anger, nostalgia for the latter... you did an extremely good job expressing each of those emotions!

1.) You've successfully made us feel sympathy for Micah.
Highlights - Now we know one aspect of his life; his constant bullying and how he has to live in fear of constant torture as well as the somewhat "mysterious" February 12th.
Lowlights - We don't know much else about his personality or his life, so yes, even though he automatically gets sympathy for being beaten up every day, we manage to all but lose those feelings by the next half, simply because his attitude has changed. If we were more familiar with his character, we might be able to sympathize with him in the second instance as well.

2.) You've made us feel anger towards Colin and Dean, and later towards Raymond and even Micah.
Highlights - So now Colin and Dean are labeled as "bad guys" and for good reason. Whether or not they come into play later in the story seems questionable, because as of right now they seem more like throw-away plot devices rather than main antagonists. Raymond comes off as the new "villian", so to speak.
Lowlights - It's fine that Colin doesn't have a reason to bully Micah. Most kids just do that for no reason. Understandable. However, we do know that Micah is doing this as some twisted form of revenge. But because we don't know why, this makes us have even more bitter feelings towards him. At this point, his bullying seems more blind than purposeful.

3.) You've made us feel nostalgia for Micah and his old friend.
Highlights - We regain our soft feelings for Micah (a bit), and you've introduced a new sympathetic figure. This is good, because like I said, our harsh feelings are backing down a bit at a glimpse of Micah's history and personal life.
Lowlights - This is probably just me, but at this point Micah's friends seems a bit whiny. (Yes, I understand he was introduced while being beaten up, but still.) Now that you've introduced a new figure for sympathy, you've got to include another back story. Or, at least, something to give us something to work with this new character - we can't just automatically feel bad for him like we did with Micah, because we don't want him to end up the same way.
Er, I'm rambling, aren't I?

Something else that bugs me a bit:

But it was also precisely this need to have revenge that made Micah understand.

Made him understand what? The feeling of superiority and power he achieved from bullying? When you skip to the next scene, we are led to assume that, but at the same time it's still unclear. Explain what realization in his surge of revenge made Micah change so drastically.

Also (this is small, but somewhat irks me), there is seemingly no time lapse. Either Micah simply bullies someone else while at the same time dealing with his own bully problems, or this is years later and he's managed to grow out of an awkward phase and is taking out all of his pent-up anger on a shadow of his former self.
Ok, so that was really wordy. Basically: is this last scene happening shortly after the first or much later?

Now, I only read through this once, and there weren't any major nit-picks I found. Plus, I don't really feel like shredding this.
Just one thing:

“Wrong answer.”

I love this ending, but it should be a full stop. Not only is it grammatically correct, but the stop-effect is more powerful, no? (Eh, the latter is more personal preference, I guess.)

Overall: nice idea you've got going on here. I'm interested in finding out more about Micah and what his motives are for hurting his alleged childhood friend.
I also loved the description in this. Forgot to mention 'til now, but I do. Nice job, Meep.
I realize that most of this was rambling, so if you have any questions please do PM me.


Pop

Hello, Meep! Nice to finally review something of yours, my darling!


Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:

“Watch it, asshole!”
Nice opening line, but could you hint at who said it?

It was entirely my fault, and I deserve to be punished for it.”
Watch those compound sentences!

The hand from his shirt snaked around Micah’s throat, coiling round him like a [s]B[/s]boa [s]C[/s]constrictor, cutting off most of his air supply.
I'm pretty sure that boa constrictor shouldn't be capitalized, my dear. After all, we don't capitalize chimp in the middle of a sentence!

It disappeared and suddenly hurtled itself into his face. The pain shot through his nose and spread to the rest of his face.
You just used "his face" in the previous sentence; perhaps a bit of revising? It sounds a bit repetitive, Meepster.

Micah gasped[s],[/s]; he couldn’t speak with the hand gripped firmly around his throat.

The remnants were flung onto the floor, where it bounced off his head, just as his aggressors had intended.
Is the noun plural or singular?

“February twelfth’s your lucky day, Houston.” Colin sneered.

“So what did that get, huh?” Raymond asked, pretending to be in deep thought. “I think it deserves a three. I could hit harder.”
Do all bullies use this method? Is Raymond a copycat? It just doesn't seem like a standard to me. Then again, I'm not a victim of bullying, nor a bully.

“Help me, Houston.”
Who says this? Raymond, or the boy being bullied? Also, going deeper into the victim, I think you should describe he and Micah's relationship a bit more. Were they once friends? Could the victim be Colin? Was he a random kid?

“Wrong answer[s],[/s].”

Language Usage & Writing Style: Alright-y, Meep; let's get down to business [and defeat the huns! Sorry- Mulan habit.] I thought the story was pretty well written, but lacked a lot of needed description. Many times you lost the reader by not notifying them who was saying and doing what. As I noted in the above department, going in to the victim and Micah's relationship would be nice in the later part of the story. I thought you used mature words and didn't over use much; good job on that.
Just be sure to not leave any holes that would make the story difficult to read!


Imagery & Emotion: So it's in third person. Does this mean there should be just a bit of emotion? Of course not! It just means you need to add little details and signs here and there to hint at certain emotions from the characters. A rueful glance. A roll of the eyes. A slight hesitation in one's answer. Things like this.
Don't forget the five senses, my darling! Readers need to immerse themselves into the story; they should feel, hear, smell, taste, and see what the characters are experiencing! Adding little bits of information, not big info dumps, will get you where you need to be with that!


Characters: Well, my dear, we didn't get to see much development at all! Micah's was the most "developed", but he more jumped to a different type of personality in the second part of the story. If you could fit in ever so slightly a bit of each character's relationship with another's, I think it would work well. Also, identifying who is speaking will help readers to realize certain quirks about each character.


Plot & Storyline: I thought it was a good plot. A serious idea to build on; bullying is no joke. As noted before, I'd like a bit of a time reference when you get to the second part of the story. Has it been weeks? Months? Years? We don't know! I liked the story, I'd just like to be able to tell when it's taking place!


Overall Impressions: I quite enjoyed this, Meepster! The story was something realistic. Overall tip is for you to add in the little things such as description and emotion to capture the right tone for your story. Once you do that, it'll be fantastic!


Love,
Music

Wow, I feel so sorry for Micah. This story really breaks through the page. Though I love it, I sort of hate it too. I hate those kids bullying Micah. I feel like punching them. Sorry, doozed off for a bit. Anyway, I really like your writing style, everyone else has already picked out the small problems, but I'd like to say the characters weren't very developed. Describe them as much as you can, including physical descriptions. Plus, we have no idea where this is taking place. Describe the setting just a bit in the beggining. Oh, and love the title.

XD
Yeah, I lacked the character development and emotion.
I thought short stories didn't need to develop so thoroughly ._.

Pop:
Erm, actually, I dropped a clue.
Colin was Micah's old friend, hence the nickname: Houston.
So now the tables are turned and Colin picks on Micah.

Thanks for your help and feedback everyone!

It was good, but I was a bit confused. Who was the boy in the second part? I assumed it was Colin or one of the people with him, but I didn't really follow it. Good writing though =]

Meep(: wrote:Pop:
Erm, actually, I dropped a clue.
Colin was Micah's old friend, hence the nickname: Houston.
So now the tables are turned and Colin picks on Micah.

:O
Well, in that case, you can ignore half of my review. XD

Hi Meep!

I have a few nit-picks first but not many at all and a few a noticed have already been pointed out so I will try not to repeat them but many apologies if I do!

Colin grinned sinisterly.

I can't put my finger on why, but I don't like 'sinisterly'. I think it sounds like a slightly awkward and almost not completely in control which seems completely opposite to how you convey Colin. I think I may be over-analysing here haha but I think it could sound better as 'Colin's smile was sinister as the hand from his shirt snaked around Micah's throat...' I think on the whole it would make it sound much more controlled and sinister.

The hand from his shirt snaked around Micah’s throat, coiling round him like a Boa Constrictor, cutting off most of his air supply.

I think you could split this into two sentences, perhaps? And instead of 'cutting off most of his air supply' something like 'He could barely breathe.' and then having that as a sentence standing on it's own so that it would read more like:
'The hand from his shirt snaked around Micah’s throat, coiling round him like a Boa Constrictor. He could barely breathe.' I think it would give it much more of an impact and make it more dramatic.

“Hey Col, Heston didn’t sound very sincere

Why does he call him 'Heston' here?

Colin responded in a falsely sweet tone dripping with venom.

Instead of 'in a falsely sweet tone...' maybe 'his falsely sweet tone dripping with venom' I think it would just generally make a stronger sentence.

It disappeared and sudden hurtled itself into his face. The pain shot through his nose and spread to the rest of his face. His face burned and stung,

This sounds a bit too list-like. Very 'He did this. Then he went here. Then he said that.' I think it's partly because you repeat the word 'face'. For example you don't really need it in the second sentence. You could run the two together and just leave it as 'It disappeared and sudden hurtled itself into his face, the pain shot through his nose and spread.
And (as I think someone above mentioned) you could add an adverb here (E.g. quickly, rapidly, slowly etc)

For three hundred and sixty four days, he dreaded this moment, this day. Tomorrow, he’d begin the cycle anew, living in constant fear.

This was slightly confusing. Why is this particular day so important?

But it was also precisely this need to have revenge that made Micah understand.

As I think other mentioned, I'm not sure about this either. Understand what? I think I know but it needs to be a bit clearer.

OVERALL

This was great! I really loved it and I loved how his experiences of being bullied is what drove him to become the bully and not the opposite.

I think there needs to be slightly more clarification on the points I mentioned and also possibly even just a tiny bit more about how the situation between the two boys ended up reversing? However, I don't think that is hugely essential, it just might give the story some more meat.

But, on the whole, it was very good indeed, well done! I hope I was helpful!
If you're confused about anything I've written or have any questions PM away!

Sofi

“Damn right, you do.” Colin grinned sinisterly. (reword. Maybe Colin sneered? This sounds strange)


The hand from his shirt snaked around Micah’s throat, coiling round him like a Boa Constrictor, cutting off most of his air supply. (/Is/ he a snake? What shirt? This line is hard to chew. I think I get it but it sounds strange.)

It disappeared and sudden hurtled itself into his face. (Just add "suddenly")

The pain shot through his nose and spread to the rest of his face. His face burned and stung, but not a sound escaped his lips. (first line is a repeat of the second)


“Wrong answer,” Colin smiled savagely, aiming a kick at Micah’s weak spot. (I really like clever the way you evaded using the actual words here. We all get it and can snigger to ourselves)

A minute later, he heard his Physics textbook being torn apart, the ripping sounds drowned out by gleeful snickers. The remnants were flung onto the floor, where it bounced off his head, just as his aggressors had intended. (Great sentence. It flows beautifully.)

wincing every time his palm landed on broken glass, creating a fresh cut. (Cut was used just two paragraphs ago. I'd change it to wound or something similar.)

The end half took my a few times over to grasp. When I did get it I realized I really enjoy the fleshing out of a past relationship between your two main characters. Its nice that Colin has some depth. I would just work on making the transaction a little smoother. It seems like two seperate excerpts from the same story being forced together.

Also, I would put some depth into your absolute main character, Micah. Right now he just seems like this faceless, shapeless, nerdy kid with glasses and no personality. I need to care about him or at least know why he doesn't do something, anything, to avoid getting himself beaten to death.

This story is so sad.!

I can't see anything that hasn't already been said.

The concept of the story is so true bullies can be so mean, and
then the way people that are being bullied can bully someone
else.

I thought this really told something, a way a person can be sucked in
and do something he/she doesn't want to do.


I felt sorry for Micah.


The way they said "wrong answer" really said something it really
had emotion to it. Well thats what i thought anyways.

I thought this was really good and if you are going to carry on
i would love to read it.
It really hooked me.
Well done.
Borntoshop