Young Writers Society

Alright, this is the first part of chapter one. I tend to write long chapters so you'll have to read it in parts. So, read on. As always, any comments or suggestions are welcome.

Shane stared blankly at the Algebra book open on his lap. He didn't understand this, he didn't care enough to try and understand it.
It was nearly the end of the school year, he knew he would have to go to summer school. He always failed the first half of the year, before track season. That was the only thing he cared about anymore. Besides his sister. He knew if he really tried he would understand it. But, he didn't see the point in trying.
He sighed, why he was doing this was beyond him. Dallas, his sister, was long asleep and hopefully she wouldn't wake up to one of those night terrors she always seemed to have. As he looked down at the equation on the book, the numbers blurred. He gave up and closed it.
Life was hard these days. Though he could get out of basically anything since his dad was always out of town doing God knows what.
There was something wrong with him, he wasn't that oblivious. The way he cried constantly about nothing or the way he only ate once a day. He usually felt like nothing good would ever happen again, or that he was worthless. He believed everything he thought.
Supposedly, his dad wasn't going to be back until tomorrow night, it always varied though. He remembered the last time his dad went away. Before Shane's mom died.
At that time his dad actually went on business trips, all around the world. Every time he went he'd bring home some kind of alcohol he knew Shane's mom wouldn't drink. Why he did this was the question. "I'm home," Shane's dad called one day when he arrived back from Mexico. Shane was already sitting in the living room. He smiled at his dad and his dad returned it.
"I got you something, bud," his dad said and sat down next to Shane on the couch. Shane smiled with anticipation as his dad dug through his suitcase. He pulled out a box and handed it to Shane.
Inside was a bracelet that was braided with colorful string. To most people, this wouldn't seem like much. But, Shane loved it.
"Tie it on for me," Shane pleaded and held his arm out to his dad. His dad tied the bracelet on and Shane looked at it admiringly. "Thanks," he whispered and hugged his dad tightly.
A door down the hallway opened and Shane's mother emerged. She was already diagnosed with breast cancer at that time. She looked pale and sick but still beautiful. Her bright blue eyes shined as she noticed her husband sitting on the couch.
"David," she cried, he stood up and hugged her tightly.
"I got you something too," he smirked and grabbed a bottle from his suitcase.
She sighed heavily, "You know I don't drink that stuff," she laughed and grabbed the bottle from his hands.
"It's quality Tequila," his dad told her. "It's the expensive stuff." She looked at the bottle and read the label over.
"I'll keep it handy," she said, Shane's dad knew she was lying. He grabbed the bottle from her and set it on the counter. "Well, I guess it will just sit in this house forever," he sighed and smiled at Shane.
"Sure it will," Shane muttered bitterly. He stood up and walked into the dark kitchen. The only light bouncing off the beige walls was the light above the stainless steel stove. Shane opened one of the white cupboards that contained the alcohol. Sure, he considered taking it and drinking away his problems many times. But, he never did. It was a stupid idea.
He was beginning to feel really tired. He had to get a good nights sleep, for the track meet. Still, he had the record for the four hundred meters, he never beat his own score though. This year, he hoped to do just that.
His eyelids were starting to feel heavy and he stood up. Stumbling slightly, he made his way to his bedroom.
Shane collapsed onto the blue blankets, crumpled into a ball, on his bed. The blue walls looked almost black as he crawled to the edge of the bed and turned off the lamp.

Track always got him going. It always made him feel like maybe he was good at something. He stepped onto the bus and the smell of exhaust that polluted the outside air went away. Nathan waved him over and Shane plopped into the seat beside him.
Nathan brushed his blonde hair out of his blue eyes. "You think you're going to win this year?" he asked.
"I don't know," Shane replied, not wanting to appear overconfident. The truth was, he didn't even know if he could race. His head was pounding and his stomach was queasy. There wasn't much reason for this sickness, maybe he was just nervous.
"You have to win!" Nathan almost yelled. However, he changed the subject quickly. "Hopefully Jason shows up for my relay. He had a doctor's appointment after school. His mom's supposed to drop him off at the meet afterwards."
Nathan ran the 1600 meter relay. He was quite good at it. "Yeah, hopefully," Shane replied wearily and leaned back into the seat.
"You okay?" Nathan asked. "You look sick or something."
"No, I'm fine," Shane reassured him. A girl in front of them turned around. It was Gianna, she had the biggest crush on Shane.
"I think you're going to win Shane," she said with a large smile.
"Thanks," Shane muttered as Gianna tried to look cute by flipping her dark hair out of her face. Nathan whipped his phone out of his pocket. Realizing she wasn't getting the attention she much desired, Gianna turned around.
"You better not be lying," he continued. "If you like, throw up on the track then everybody will think you're a freak," he laughed at the last part.
"Why is it such a big deal if I win or not?" Shane questioned.
Nathan looked at him wide-eyed, "You have to win because you always win. You can't just let somebody steal all your glory. That record you set is almost impossible to beat unless you're some Olympian." Shane knew Nathan was exaggerating.
The bus started moving and Shane stared out the window. Nathan jabbed him in the stomach. "Dude, you're putting a total downer on this trip. You're depressing me."
"Sorry," Shane mumbled. "I'm just nervous."
"You're never nervous," Nathan said. "We've been best friends since we were five. Just tell me what's bothering you."
"Nothing is bothering me. Okay?" he snapped. Shane looked down at the faint, purple, marks on his arms.
Nathan frowned, clearly offended. "Okay, sorry," he muttered and started talking to someone across the isle from him.
The rest of the ride droned on. Everyone was yelling which only intensified Shane's already terrible headache. When they arrived, most of the teams were already there.
They filed out of the bus and Nathan caught up with him. "Hey, is your dad coming?"
"No," Shane said through his teeth. His dad didn't care enough to come to his track meets. He hadn't been to one since his mom died.
"Oh, well, my mom can take you home," he offered.
Shane nodded, "Thanks."
Nathan shrugged his shoulders. People stared at him as he walked in. Some people thought he was some sort of god for his talent, others just hated him. Being hated wasn't something that bothered Shane anymore.
Him and Nathan quickly did a warm up jog around the black track.
They sat in their section of the metal bleachers. There were a few events before his so he had time to relax and see if he could shake his headache.
"You doing okay Mitchell?" he heard a voice ask. Shane's head had been pressed to his knees. He looked up to see Calvin Reynolds staring back at him. Calvin was too confident and at every meet seemed to think he could beat Shane. Deep down, Shane thought Calvin knew he couldn't win.
"Yeah," Shane hissed.
Calvin was much taller then Shane. Calvin ruffled Shane's hair. "Cheer up buttercup. Today's the day you finally lose your title."
Shane rolled his eyes and looked away. Calvin snickered and walked off. Shane barely paid attention as other events started and finished. Occasionally he's smile and high-five someone who may have done a good job. Other then that, he was completely spaced out.
"Shane! Why aren't you going out there?" Nathan questioned.
Shane looked up at him puzzled. "Second call for the boy's four hundred meters," the announcer said. Shane heard people wishing him good luck but ignored them.
"Oh," Shane said and stood up. He slowly walked down the bleachers as other teams watched, wondering if he would win it all.
Calvin fell into step with him. "Can't you just leave me alone?" Shane groaned.
Calvin laughed and jogged down the bleachers.
The wind ruffled Shane's hair as the referee explained the rules he had already heard many times before. "Alright," the referee finished. "I'll tell you where to start." There were six runners.
He listed off names and numbers. "Lane four, Shane," the referee smiled knowingly at Shane as he stepped up to the blue triangle, labeling where to start. It seemed like everyone thought he would win but himself.
The referee finished naming the lanes and everybody got into their starting positions. Calvin, who was in lane six looked back and glared at Shane.
You have to win this. It's all you have left, Shane thought to himself.
He heard the crowd cheering wildly. "Ready," the referee started. "Set." The pistol sounded and Shane rocketed out of the starting gate. Quickly, he passed the person in lane five and fell into step next to Calvin.
"You can't win this Shane," Calvin said out of breath. "This is my time," they were practically sprinting but Calvin still managed to speak.
"Too bad," Shane muttered and picked up his pace, passing Calvin. He heard people screaming his name. The day was hot and he felt himself sweating but he wasn't going to slow down. He passed the finish line and the crowd erupted. His coach ran up and high-fived him.
"Once again," she smiled. "A brilliant race."

Hi Colleen! I really enjoyed this piece! I hope you continue with it

He didn't understand this, he didn't care enough to try and understand it.

Instead of 'try and understand it' maybe just 'try to' would work better as you have already said understand so it is clear what you are talking about

Dallas was long asleep and hopefully she wouldn't wake up to one of those night terrors she always seemed to have.

'one of those night terrors she always seemed to have' sounded a bit awkward here to me- maybe 'the night terrors that repeated themselves each night.' or something similar would work a bit better. Who's Dallas? You don't mention the name again so it has me a bit confused, I thought it might be the sister as you mention her briefly too but I'm not completely sure, I think you need to say who it is.

Life was hard these days. Though he could get out of basically anything since his dad was always out of town doing God knows what.

I'd add in 'if he really wanted' after 'basically anything' to show that he doesn't want to get out of everything, or add something in about knowing that he should work to explain why he doesn't just not do anything.

There was something wrong with him, he wasn't that oblivious. The way he cried constantly about nothing or the way he only ate once a day. He usually felt like nothing good would ever happen again, or that he was worthless. He believed everything he thought.

here it is not clear who 'he' is, I think you need to say 'Shane's dad' in here at some point as it still sounded to me at first like it was Shane. I'm not sure what you mean by the last sentence as if you are thinking it then generally you do believe it Maybe instead you could say something about only believing himself and not others to make more sense. I'd also maybe change 'or that he was worthless' to 'and that he was worthless' as I would think he would think them both not just one or the other. You could always add 'completely worthless' to make the sentence run a bit smoother too

Supposedly, his dad wasn't going to be back until tomorrow night, it always varied though.

what always varied? What time he got back or what time his dad said or whether he was lying? I think you need to make it clearer what you mean, maybe change 'it always varied' to 'the time always varied'

He remembered the last time his dad went away. Before Shane's mom died.

I'd maybe have this all as one sentence.

Every time he went he'd bring home some kind of alcohol he knew Shane's mom wouldn't drink. Why he did this was the question. "I'm home," Shane's dad called one day when he arrived back from Mexico.

'Why he did this was the question' sounds a bit off to me, I'd maybe reword it a little to something like 'Why he did this was unclear.' or 'Shane had no idea why he did this.' or something similar. I'd start the speech on a new line as the first part is kind of introducing everything and I think it would be better if it was a bit separate from the speech- just my preference though

He smiled at his dad and his dad returned it.

I'm not sure about this sentence, maybe 'He smiled at his dad and his dad grinned back.' might work better or something similar.

To most people, this wouldn't seem like much. But, Shane loved it.
"Tie it on for me," Shane pleaded and held his arm out to his dad. His dad tied the bracelet on and Shane looked at it admiringly. "Thanks," he whispered and hugged his dad tightly.

I'd maybe add in something before Shane talks, perhaps about his eyes widening in wonder or hid breath catching just to show an immediate reaction to the present. 'Tie it on for me' kind of sounds like a command, so I'd maybe change it to 'Could you tie it on for me?' so its more of a plea.

"David," she cried, he stood up and hugged her tightly.

As she cried this I'd maybe swap the comma for an exclamation mark. I'd maybe add in a bit about walking over to her as I didn't think she was right next to him too.

The only light bouncing off the beige walls was the light above the stainless steel stove.

As you have already said 'the light' and it is clear what you are referring to, I'd maybe change 'the light above the stainless stell stove' to 'that above the stainless steel stove.'

Shane opened one of the white cupboards that contained the alcohol. Sure, he considered taking it and drinking away his problems many times.

I'd maybe add 'had' before 'considered taking'.

He was beginning to feel really tired. He had to get a good nights sleep, for the track meet. Still, he had the record for the four hundred meters, he never beat his own score though. This year, he hoped to do just that.

I'd maybe add 'tomorrow' after 'track meet' to make clear that it is the next day. I'd maybe change the second sentence as it sounds a bit confusing, perhaps something like 'He had the record for the four hundred meters- although he never beat his own score.'

Shane collapsed onto the blue blankets, crumpled into a ball, on his bed.

Are the blue blankets crumpled into a ball on his bed? If so I'd maybe add 'that lay' after 'blue blankets' as I found it a bit confusing as to whether he was crumpled into a ball or the sheets were That might just be me though!

Track always got him going. It always made him feel like maybe he was good at something. He stepped onto the bus and the smell of exhaust that polluted the outside air went away.

I'd maybe rephrase the second sentence to refer to how he feels whilst he is running. Perhaps something like 'whilst running, he felt like he was actually good at something.' I'm not sure about the last sentence either, maybe something about the smell of the exhaust being closed off as the doors shut behind him would run a bit smoother as it sounds a bit awkward at the moment- I'm not that keen on the use of 'went' sorry!

Nathan waved him over and Shane plopped into the seat beside him.

As Nathan is new here, I'd maybe add 'his friend' before his name to show who he is.

"You have to win!" Nathan almost yelled. However, he changed the subject quickly.

I think you could change 'However, he changed the subject quickly' to run a bit smoother- maybe 'but he let the subject drop anyway.' as I'm not really sure why he would change the subject quickly- is it to save his feelings as he can see he is touchy about it? If so maybe mention that

Nathan ran the 1600 meter relay. He was quite good at it.

This bit of information sounded to me a bit jerky, I'd connect the sentences and rephrase it so its not as simple. For instance 'Nathan ran the 1600 meters and was really quite good at it- although Shane didn't like to admit so.'

A girl in front of them turned around. It was Gianna, she had the biggest crush on Shane.

Same sort of thing, its a bit emotionless so I'd change it, perhaps you could avoid telling the reader that she had the biggest crush on him by just describing her actions or having Nathan make some sort of mumbled comment?

Realizing she wasn't getting the attention she much desired, Gianna turned around.

'turned back to face the front of the bus' might be better as its more specific and I think it would work well here to describe how she turns back around- is she annoyed? Does she sigh or pout? That sort of thing

The rest of the ride droned on.

'dragged' might work better than 'droned' as that kind of refers to sound.

They filed out of the bus and Nathan caught up with him.

I wasn't really under the impression that Shane was ahead of Nathan so I'd maybe make that clearer here- perhaps showing Shane leaving the bus ahead at a fast pace then Nathan catching up with him.

His dad didn't care enough to come to his track meets. He hadn't been to one since his mom died.

'his mom died' sounds a bit like you are still referring to Shane's dad so I'd change 'his' to 'Shane's''

Shane's head had been pressed to his knees. He looked up to see Calvin Reynolds staring back at him.

Instead of 'pressed to' I'd maybe say 'pressed against' or 'pressed between'. I'd maybe add just a word or two as to how Shane looks up (for instance slowly/groggily/wearily).

Occasionally he's smile and high-five someone who may have done a good job.

'he's' should be 'he'd'

He slowly walked down the bleachers as other teams watched, wondering if he would win it all.

Later on you mention about everyone thinking he would win so I wouldn't have here that people were doubting him, maybe instead they could be gazing at him with confidence or something like that.

"Ready," the referee started. "Set." The pistol sounded and Shane rocketed out of the starting gate.

I'd change the full stop after 'set' to a comma as it is leading up to something -I'm not completely sure if that's right though!

Overall: Great work! I really enjoyed this piece and I love how much you have revealed about the main character

I like how you show the memory, I'd maybe add a space either side of it to separate it from the rest of the text though . You never mention a name for the dad and you can get away with it but I think it might make it easier to name him as then you wouldn't always have to be referring to him as 'Shane's dad'- the same with the mum too. You mention a sister but only once and I'm a bit confused as to where she is and what is going on with her, like I said before is she Dallas? As that is another name you skim past. I'd maybe connect the two to make more sense and add a sentence or so on the sister, perhaps on how she is coping or what she did when the dad visited or something like that

I think you could add more to the dialogue on the bus as to their expressions and actions and how they feel. I think you could add more detail to express their emotions and personalities more- especially Gianna as you kind of just brush past her. I really like how you have described Nathan though! The race goes quite quickly too- I think you could extend upon it to describe the effort Shane put in and how strained he felt. I think you need to separate the day of the race from when he goes to sleep with maybe a star to show time has passed too

So all in all just adding a bit more feeling and explaining, I love the storyline though! I really feel for Shane, he sounds like he is having a rough time Hope I've helped (as always these are just my opinion so take them or leave them! ) and I look forward to reading more *star*

Here as requested, my darling!


Grammar:

He didn't understand this[s],[/s]; he didn't care enough to try and understand it.

It was nearly the end of the school year, and he knew he would have to go to summer school.

He sighed[s],[/s]; why he was doing this was beyond him. Silly girl, that's the third time you've punctuated incorrectly with a comma! Dallas, his sister, was long asleep, and, hopefully, she wouldn't wake up to one of those night terrors she always seemed to have.

Though he could get out of basically anything since his dad was always out of town doing God knows what.
I don't like how you started this sentence. Maybe continue it from the first sentence, and add "even" in front of though. It would look like this:
Life was hard these days, even though he could get out of basically anything since his dad was always out of town doing God knows what.
See if that fits better.

There was something wrong with him[s],[/s]; he wasn't that oblivious. You really do need to remember those semicolons if you insist on writing sentences like that, darling!

Supposedly, his dad wasn't going to be back until tomorrow night, it always varied, though.

Every time he went, he'd bring home some kind of alcohol he knew Shane's mom wouldn't drink. Why he did this was the question. "I'm home," Shane's dad called one day when he arrived back from Mexico. Shane was already sitting in the living room. He smiled at his dad, and his dad returned it.

His dad tied the bracelet on, and Shane looked at it admiringly.

A door down the hallway opened, and Shane's mother emerged.

"David," she cried, and he stood up and hugged her tightly.
You just used "hugged him tightly". Try to think of a new phrase, such as "embraced her" or "wrapped his arms around her".

"I got you something[b], too," he smirked and grabbed a bottle from his suitcase.

She sighed heavily, "You know I don't drink that stuff[s],[/s]." [s]s[/s]She laughed and grabbed the bottle from his hands.

"I'll keep it handy," she said, but Shane's dad knew she was lying.

He had to get a good night's sleep[s],[/s] for the track meet. [s]Still, he had the record for the four hundred meters,[/s]He still held the record for the four hundred meters; he never beat his own score, though.

His eyelids were starting to feel heavy, and he stood up.

He stepped onto the bus, and the smell of exhaust that polluted the outside air went away. Nathan waved him over, and Shane plopped into the seat beside him.

His head was pounding, and his stomach was queasy. There wasn't much reason for this sickness[s],[/s]; maybe he was just nervous.

His mom's supposed to drop him off at the meet afterward[s]s[/s]."

It was Gianna, [s]she[/s]who had [s]the biggest[/s] a huge crush on Shane.
"The biggest" sounds a bit too childish.

"You better not be lying," he continued. "If you, like, throw up on the track, then everybody will think you're a freak," he laughed at the last part.

Nathan looked at him, wide-eyed, "You have to win, because you always win. You can't just let somebody steal all your glory. That record you set is almost impossible to beat, unless you're some Olympian." Shane knew Nathan was exaggerating.

The bus started moving, and Shane stared out the window.

Everyone was yelling, which only intensified Shane's already terrible headache.

Some people thought he was some sort of god for his talent, while others just hated him.

[s]Him[/s]He and Nathan quickly did a warm up jog around the black track.

There were a few events before [s]his[/s]Shane's, so he had time to relax and see if he could shake his headache.
I felt you needed to add Shane in this part after you said "they".

"You doing okay, Mitchell?" he heard a voice ask. What type of voice? Description would be nice. Shane's head had been pressed to his knees. He looked up to see Calvin Reynolds staring back at him. Calvin was too confident, and, at every meet, seemed to think he could beat Shane.

"Cheer up, buttercup."

Occasionally, he'[s]s[/s]d smile and high-five someone who may have done a good job. Other [s]then[/s]than that, he was completely spaced out.

Shane looked up at him, puzzled.

The referee finished naming the lanes, and everybody got into their starting positions. Calvin, who was in lane six, looked back and glared at Shane.

You have to win this. It's all you have left, Shane thought to himself.
I really liked this line. It showed the reader how Shane was thinking and what was running through his mind. It let them know that he did care about winning the race.

The pistol sounded, and Shane rocketed out of the starting gate. Quickly, he passed the person in lane five and fell into step next to Calvin.
You just used the line that is underlined. Try to think of another phrase, such as "ran alongside Calvin" or something like that.

"You can't win this, Shane," Calvin said, out of breath. "This is my time," they were practically sprinting, but Calvin still managed to speak.

The day was hot, and he felt himself sweating, but he wasn't going to slow down. He passed the finish line and the crowd erupted.

Language Usage: You had a few figurative language sayings in there. The dialogue was nice; nothing was choppy, and it seemed realistic. You tend to repeat some phrases, though. Make sure you have a diverse description of the actions your characters are carrying out in order to keep your reader interested and not seem repetitive.

Grammar: Your dialogue tags were properly punctuated, but you had a lot of trouble with placing semi-colons and commas in the right place, especially in the case of a compound sentence. Make sure you join two clauses with either a semi-colon or a comma and a conjunction, not just a lone comma.

Plot: I thought this continued nicely from the prologue. There was a sense of deja vu at the end. You fit in the flashback quite nicely. I'm really enjoying the plot; I'd like to see more of the sister and father (especially more of what the father is like).

Imagery & Emotion: Your descriptions were pretty nice, but I didn't get enough emotion in this piece. The dialogue just gave me a sense of what the character was feeling. Be sure you include enough description so that the reader is able to see things play through their head and feel the emotions.

I'm pleased with the piece! Excited for more! Thanks for posting in my W.R.F.F. thread; please continue to do so with each time you post part of this story! Thanks!

Love,
Music