Young Writers Society

Aram strode briskly into the empty hallway, seemingly outraged.
Ilani- how could the king choose a failure like that? Wasn’t he good enough?
Ilani was nothing more than a coward, a poor commander, a failuer.

For a person who didn't know Aram, which was quite rare inside the palace, it would have seemed as if Aram was just in slight rush. Aram was walking fast and with hard steps, almost stomping on his way. However, to a person who knew Aram; it looked like he was in a bad mood, and that you should stay away from him.
One of the new generals, yet to be accustomed to the habits of the palace, greeted Aram; whom in return glared at the general in the most distinguished way.

Aram slowed his pace, as he was now entering the more busy section of the palace; the hallways that were used by the servants and the slaves alike. He straightened his blood red tunic, which bore the mark of the nobles: The greatest god of the Assyrians, Anu.
Anu was a man with four wings. He was the father of the gods, and the king of the skies.

Aram’s tunic did not only bear the mark of the nobles, which was not extraordinary within the upper class. It also bore the mark of the secret police, which Ashurbanipal himself had created. The mark was an all seeing eye inside a pyramid.
And true to the symbol. The secret police saw everything that happened inside the empire.
No bit of information bypassed them. No spark of revolution had yet burst into a flame. No crimes were left unpunished, by the laws set by the gods and kings.
Aram was the keeper of it all, and yet the old man had not decided to give him the right to the throne.
He was having a hard time not to throw a fit in middle of all the slaves and servants. It would not do any good for his popularity amongst the other nobles, not to speak of the people.
Instead of letting out his anger, he decided to go to the temple of Es. To pray that the king would change his mind.
The hallways were made of stone, which had been painted white to keep the heat away. There were windows along the hallway every few meters or so. You could see a breathtaking view of lush palace gardens, with statues of the gods, and wall decorations which included various paintings and patterns; you could see the growing population of Nineveh, the capital of the Assyrian empire, and the prospering trade. That is if you were to decide to watch out off one of the windows. Aram didn't. Still angry, he restrained himself from looking out and kept walking.
He didn’t say a word on his way to the great doors that led out of the palace.
On one of his turns he was still stranded in his angry thoughts and didn't notice the person coming from the other direction. They bumped.
Feeling the impact, Aram glimpsed down only to see a servant girl sprawled on the ground.
She was breathing heavily from surprise, while she tried to get up. Aram stretched his hand for the woman to grab, but she picked herself up without sparing another glance at his offer. Aram was slightly offended; but also he was intrigued by the manner the servant had acted to his offer.
She is different. He thought silently somewhere in the back of his mind.
“Why didn’t you take the hand?” He asked, watching the girl sweep the dust from her clothes. She was young, about the same age as Aram himself. And she didn’t look half bad.
“Why should I have taken your hand?” She responded. She stopped brushing the dust away and turned her head to face Aram straight into his eyes. Her eyes were olive green, and they were cold. Confused, Aram took a step back. Never before had Aram-Ashur met a servant quite like this. Although he kept his calm on the outside, he was absolutely shocked how coldly this servant girl treated him.
“Would it not be a disgrace from your side not to take the hand,” He tilted his head to one side and permitted himself a small smile.
This girl seemed intriguing; it was as if his bad mood was drifting off, and making way for the debate to follow.
The servant stuck out her chin, in the most not-so-servant-like way, and looked up at him, since she couldn't look down; Aram was a tall person for his age.
“What if I were to say that I wish not to be mingling with the likes of you?” she snapped.
Aram, slyly, put his hand on his chest and acted as if he would have just been drastically offended.
“I would be deeply hurt,” the smile did not fade from his face. This was a very old method of terrifying an opponent in politics, but it also seemed to work in this kind of situations quite as well, if not better. Aram’s smile widened, that was information that he could use in future politics that he was going to conduct.
“I am very intrigued what you have against my kin? Are we too posh for your taste?” he continued in a casual tone, as if speaking to someone very close to him.
“What if I were to say yes?” she answered bluntly.
Aram did not answer he just smiled. The girls expression faltered under her hard face for just a second. Revealing confusion, but only for the tiniest second; but it was enough for Aram to see it, the smile was getting to her, bothering her.

That moment, Aram detected quick footsteps approaching them from behind the girl. He saw a man, presumed to be a guard, enter his line of sight and come to a halt beside the girl. He was shorter than the woman and seemingly shorter than Aram. When he spoke his voice was a tone of a very low bass: "Miss Ishtar, there you are." The guard greeted, full of relief.
“I have been conducting my own observations on our commoners and I would appreciate it if you would leave me alone,” she answered looking down at the guard, grimacing when she saw his greasy head, but the man’s expression did not waver.
“You are coming with me miss,” he said and took hold of her hand with an iron grip, and dragged her away from the stupefied Aram.

What had just happened? He wondered. Maybe she wasn’t just a servant girl after all.He liked her attitude. Ishtar, where was that name familiar, he had to go check a few things. The temple could wait.

Hey Anssi (Can I call ya that?),
I was wondering how many chapters of your story, did I miss.
Turns out I didn't really miss anything at all XD
Anyhoo, I shall be your critique for the hour
(I'll try to do a good job!)

Lord Anzius wrote:Aram strode to the empty hallway. He was seemingly outraged.

It strikes me as a tad awkward. Perhaps: Aram strode briskly into the empty hallway, seemingly outraged.

Aram slowed his pace down as he was now entering the more busy section of the palace; the hallways that were used by the servants and slaves alike. He straightened his blood red tunic that beard the mark of the nobles; their greatest god Anu.

Aram slowed his pace, as he was now entering the busier section of the palace; the hallways that were used by the slaves and servants alike. He straightened his blood red tunic that bore the mark of the nobles; their greatest God Anu.

Anu was a man who had four wings coming out of his back. He was the father of gods and the king of them all as well. Aram’s tunic didn’t only bear the mark of the nobles, it bear the mark of the secret police that Ashurbanipal himself had created.

'Coming out' sounds like it can be replaced with a better phrase, I think. You seem to have switched tense. Aram's tunic not only bore the mark of the nobles, it bore the mark of the secret police..
'Cause you used was, and your story is predominantly in past tense. Stick to that

No bit of information passed them, every spark of revolution was cut short by the police network, all crimes were punished by the law of the gods and kings.

No bit of information bypassed them. Every spark of ....
New sentence, and 'passed' could be construed 2 ways. One of which, implies that the police still received the info

Aram was the keeper of it all and yet the old man had not decided to give him the right to the throne.
Aram was having a hard time not to throw a fit in middle of all the slaves and servants.

You mentioned 'Aram', so the second sentence can start with 'He'.

Instead of letting out his anger he decided to go to the temple to pray that the king would change his mind.

Not sure of this, but the presence of a comma might be needed in between 'anger' and 'he'. You'll need a second opinion. I'm kind of comma-happy

You could see a breathtaking view if you were to decide to watch out off one of the windows. But Aram had decided to stay angry and so he restrained himself from looking out.

Maybe: You could see a breathtaking view, should you decide to look out the windows. Instead, Aram chose to remain angry and thus restrained himself from gazing at the scenery.
I'm curious as to what the view is. Try to elaborate on it, and note that the last sentence implies that the scenery reduces/calms is anger? How so?

On one of his turns as he was once again stranded in his angry thoughts he did not see a person bump into him. When he had felt the impact he looked down only to see a servant lady on the ground.
She was breathing heavily while she tried to get up. So Aram decided to help her to stand. Aram stretched his hand for the woman to grab, but she got up not even looking at the offer.

Comma between 'thoughts' and 'he'. Feeling the impact, he glimpsed down only to see a servant girl sprawled on the ground. You said she was a girl, in the next sentence or so. So if she's a girl, he's a boy. He must be some amazing politician, considering his youthfulness. Knocking her over shouldn't really cause her to breathe heavily. Oh, and You can join that sentence with the next.
'but she got up not even looking at the offer'. Rather awkward phrasing. Maybe: but she picked herself up without sparing a glance at his offer.

“Why didn’t you take the hand?” He asked, watching the girl sweep the dust from her clothes.

I find it a bit strange that he referred to his hand as 'the' XD

She stopped sweeping the dust away and turned her head facing Aram straight into his eyes. Her eyes were olive green, and they were cold. Aram took a step back confused, although he kept his calm on the outside, he was surprised how coldly this servant girl treated him.

You used 'sweep' before. Try another word like 'brush'?
She stopped brushing the dust off her garment and turned to face Aram, staring him straight in the eyes. Oh yeah, at the end, you mentioned that the girl is of a higher class than 'commoners', so its rather strange that Aram is mistaking her for a servant. Is she wearing plain clothes of a servant? If so, why?

“Would it not be a disgrace from your side not to take the hand,” He tilted his head and permitted himself a small smile. The girl stuck out her chin and looked down at him,

It's a question, so end off not with a comma, but a question mark. 'Your side' is a bit funny-sounding.
Tilted his head? Down or up? Or cocked his head to the side? Or is it meant to be a gesture of acknowledgement? He inclined his head? (Sorry for asking so many question. It must be annoying for you.)

Aram put his hand slyly on his chest and acted as if he would have just been offended “I would be deeply offended,” the smile did not fade, this was a very old method of terrifying an opponent in politics but it also seemed to work in this kind of situations as well, Aram’s smile widened, that was information that he could use in future politics that he was going to conduct.

Sly sounds somewhat inappropriate for this situation. 'Offended' was repeated. Perhaps switch one with 'insulted'?
the smile did not fade. The next sentences contradict. The first tells us that he knows that the tactic works in political situations, but the last sentence implies that he has only just learnt this tactic. Also, put a fullstop between 'well' and 'Aram's'.

“I am very intrigued what you have against my kin? Are we too posh for your taste?” he continued in a casual tone, as if speaking to someone very close to him.

Separate 'intrigued' and 'what' into two sentences, or put a comma. Kin, is referring to family and relatives. I doubt you were trying to say that. 'Are we too posh for your taste', that comment strikes me queer. It could just be me, but that 'posh' part makes he sound too high and mighty. Like he's gloating.

Aram did not answer he just smiled. The girls face wavered under her poker face for just a second but it was enough for Aram to see it, the smile was getting to her.

Comma between 'answer' and 'he'. You're using 'smiled' a lot. But then again, beamed and grinned aren't too appropriate either Repetition of 'face'. The girl's poker-faced expression wavered for a mere second, but Aram saw it.
The next sentence, who's smile is getting to who? Is Aram's smile making her smile as well, or bothering her? Or is a smile creeping up her face?

That was when Aram herd running steps from behind the girl and saw a man whom he presumed to be a guard, come into his attention. The guard stopped just besides the girl.
“Miss Ishtar, here you are,” the guard sounded relived “We have been looking all over for you, what have you been doing?”

That moment, Aram detected quick footsteps approaching them from behind the girl. He saw a man, presumed to be a guard, enter his line of sight and come to a halt beside the girl (Haha, he was too busy bickering with the girl to even ask for her name). "Miss Ishtar, there you are." The guard greeted, full of relief.

“I have been conducting my own observations about our commoners and I would appreciate it if you would leave me alone,” she answered looking down at the guard, but the man’s expression did not waver.

Replace 'about' with 'on'. Technically, a guard is rather commoner-ish too, no?
She's looking down at the guard? Is it because of his lowly position, or is she figuratively taller than him (woah)? If its the former, then try: She replied condescendingly. The guard's expression stayed impassive (or whatever emotion he was showing).

“You are coming with me miss,” he said and took hold of her hand and dragged her away from the stupefied Aram.

"You are coming with me, Miss." He declared (try not to use said if there are better synonyms)
He drags her off? Isn't that impolite, considering her character is supposed to be of a considerably high class?

What had just happened? He wondered. Maybe she wasn’t just a servant girl after all. He smiled, he liked her attitude. Ishtar, where was that name familiar, he had to go check a few things.

No need to put the 'he wondered'. Maybe she wasn't just a servant girl after all. <--- can be misconstrued as still a servant girl, with something special about her. Maybe: Maybe she wasn't a simple servant after all.
Again, smiled is used.
Her name Ishtar, rang a bell/seemed familiar. He had to go and check a few things.

There you go! The icky part's over with
Again, I apologise for the excessive qeustions I popped

Your good points:
Although there are mistakes, they are fairly minor, so good job. There's an interesting quality about your story. I have so many questions that want to be answered, but I'll just have to wait and see. It has a somewhat mysterious air surrounding the story, somehow. I liked the use of certain phrases. It sounds as if this story is going to branch out into a few parts, not just focusing on Aram & Ashurbanipal. I hope so

It definitely kept my interest, so I'll be watching out for more

Here as requested!

Since Meep covered nit-picks nicely, here are some overall things:

Language: You use some pretty modern terms here, such as "poker face" and "she didn't look half-bad." Modern terms in historical fiction really should be nixed. I doubt poker had been invented during this time period.

In some places, you add in some words that don't fit with narrating a character. Such as "seemingly" in the first line. If we are following Aram and are mostly inside his head, then shouldn't we know for sure that he's outraged?

In some locations your pronouns get a bit confusing. Namely, here:

Ilani, how could the king choose a failure like that? Wasn’t he good enough?

I'd replace "he" with "Aram" since right now it's unclear whom you are referring too.

Description: You have a fairly good amount here, but I'd like some more on the height of the characters. Unless Miss Ishtar is labeled as "tall" it's rather hard to picture a guard being a full head shorter then she is.

You've got one major place where you contradict yourself when you're describing Aram: his anger. First, you say he chooses to let go of his anger, then you say (after you've described the view) you say that Aram was still angry so he wasn't looking out the window. Make sure his moods are consistent throughout.

Characters: Aram seems really cold to me. A little too cold. To make him easier to relate to, put some more of his emotions (other then anger) and thoughts in. Sure, he's angry that he didn't get chosen, but you have the opportunity to really dig into your MC's mind here and give us some politics to boot.

Also, when Aram meets Ishtar, things seems a little flat. You hint that he likes her with the "she wasn't half bad looking" line, but you don't go farther. This is, again, a place where you can dig deep into your character and show us his personality. Use it well.

Those are the two main items I noticed. Hope I helped!

~Rosey

Anzius! I'm here! As promised! Ever though I'm late! (By the way, are you the same person as Amniel? Because I'm getting confuzed.)

One thing I really must say is this: looking back on others' reviews, and then seeing your edit, I can definatey tell that you actually listened to their advice. This makes me even more eager to review your piece, because it lets me know that my suggestions will be considered. This sure doesn't mean that you have to change everything I say, but it's reassuring to find someone who will accept advice without throwing a fit. So, kudos to you!

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewarticlebody.php?t=43660

Here is a link to semi-colons and commas, written by yours truly. And here'sanother one from Rosey about punctuation also. Use them. In just the first paragraph, you're punctuation was getting funky.

No bit of information bypassed them, every spark of revolution was cut short by the police network, all crimes were punished by the laws set by the gods and kings.

Hmm...how to explain this? You use a list format here, describing the police, yes? Well, normally lists are eiter all negative or all positive. The way you've phrased it here seems a tad off. You could consider:

No bit of information escaped them, no spark of revolution was allowed to fan into flames, no crimes exempt from the laws set by the gods and the kings.

See how, by adding 'no' to all of those descriptions, I changed the flow of the sentence? This is a good tip to keep in mind when listing sttributes of something. Mixig negative + positive doesn't always work out.

That is if you were to decide to watch out off one of the windows. But Aram had decided to stay angry and so he restrained himself from looking out.

Both of these seem phrased a bit awkwardly, although I can still see your meaning. You might want to try:

That is, if you decided to gaze through the windows. Aram didn't. Still angry, he restrained himself from looking out and kept walking.

The way you broke up the sentences plus your wording just came across as a bit off to me.

I agree with Rosey about your modern language. To stick with the times you have to match the language-- it's like having everyone ride horses around while they're talking on their cell phones. XD Just doesn't work. See what I mean?

Alright, dear, look at those guides on punctuation! You have run-ons and fragments and misplaced commas and all sorts of grammar-related issues, but if you can learn where to stuff your punctuation, most of your problems will be solved. Your writing will be cleaner and will leave a bigger impact on your readers if you can use grammar to your benefit.

Now, your story line seems extremely interesting, but your characters and description are falling flat. I cannot envision anything at the moment: not the palace, not the servant girl, not Aram himself. I cannot see the kingdom. I cannot feel the sun streaming through the windows, or smell the aroma of horses drifting from the stables below. Now, it would be in your best interest to help your readers into your story, okay?

One way to do this is to let us experience the story through a vessel, and one of the easiest vessels are characters. If you describe Aram feeling something, seeing something, doing something, and then properly connect us with Aram, than there's your vessel-- you're main character.

So far, Aram is simply a bitter leader of the kingdom's police force. Why does he think that he's a better choice for king? What does he have against Ilani? Is there a reason for this grudge? So far we know nothing of his background and almost nothing of his personality, besides his bitterness. That's a start, though! Emotions are the easiest way to connect us with your characters.

Write more!

~Evi

Moi, Anssi! Taas!

Ilani, how could the king choose a failure like that?

To make the meaning clearer, I suggest you replace the comma with a dash.

the hallways that were used by the servants and slaves alike.

Why alike? And I think you should either have 'the' for both servants and slaves, or for neither.

that [s]beard[/s] bore the mark of the nobles; the greatest god of the Assyrians: Anu.

I think that both a semi-colon and a colon in the same sentence is a little disturbing. And I don't quite understand the idea. Is the greatest god 'the nobles'? Is the mark his mark?

Anu was a man who had four wings coming out of his back.

Uhm, a lil' awkward again. Also, even though it's explained that he's a god, the wing thing is a little in-your-face. (Haha, Anu's a girl's name! )

And true to the symbol the secret police did see everything what happened inside the empire.

You're probably missing some punctuation here?

That is if you were to decide to watch out off one of the windows. But Aram had decided to stay angry and so he restrained himself from looking out.

What does it help to not look out? That seems a little immature, and it's weird because no one's watching. At least that's what I understood. (In other words, maybe nix this part.)

On one of his turns as he was once again stranded in his angry thoughts he did not see a person bump into him.

I'd rewrite: On one of his turns he was still stranded in his angry thoughts and didn't notice the person coming from the other direction, before it was too late. They bumped.
Or something like that, you decide.

So Aram decided to help her to stand.

This sentence is unneeded, let it go.

And she didn’t look half bad.

Does this mean Aram thinks she's pretty or what?

“Why should I have taken your hand?” she responded [s]with a question[/s].

Confused, Aram took a step back [s]confused[/s]. Although he kept his calm on the outside, he was surprised how coldly this servant girl treated him.

Aram put his hand slyly on his chest and acted as if he would have just been offended “I would be deeply hurt,” the smile did not fade, this was a very old method of terrifying an opponent in politics but it also seemed to work in this kind of situations as well, Aram’s smile widened, that was information that he could use in future politics that he was going to conduct.

Okay, this is very confusing. At the moment, you only have commas there, which make it one sentence. Not good. Divide this into smaller parts.

***


Characterization:

Keeps getting better! Now I already have a faint image about Aram's persona. Just keep it coming and it will be fine. With the girl scene, I was a little distracted, since you let us understand she was a servant – yet her by her way of speech and choice of words wasn't that vulgar-ish. Luckily, Aram started to question the servantness too, so it's okay.


Punctuation:

I could still spot a few issues about that. Luckily, you've been given links to articles that'll help you. Go read them, it's really worth it!


Overall:

I'm starting to get enthusiasted here! I'll be glad to find out more, especially the thing between Aram and the girl... I also like that the chapters aren't very long, because now it's easier to concentrate.


A link:

So, I thought I could give you an article to read, since Evi did too. It's by me, and it's about punctuation and capitalization in dialogue – I noticed you still have some problems with that matter. Check it out, and hopefully it'll help!


See ya 'round!


Demeter
xxx

I'm back again!

Ilani was nothing more than a coward, a poor commander, a failuer.

It's spelt "failure"

For a person who didn't know Aram, which was quite rare inside the palace, it would have seemed as if Aram was just in slight rush. Aram was walking fast and with hard steps, almost stomping on his way. However, to a person who knew Aram; it looked like he was in a bad mood, and that you should stay away from him.

I like this paragraph, but I would change the bolded "Aram" to "He" because it sounds a bit repetetive.

It also bore the mark of the secret police, which Ashurbanipal himself had created.

If they were secret police, why were they marked?

On one of his turns he was still stranded in his angry thoughts and didn't notice the person coming from the other direction. They bumped.

This sounds awkward. maybe change it to "He turned the corner and not being so wrapped up in his angry thoughts, he didn't notice the peron coming the other way. They bumped into each other."

Feeling the impact, Aram glimpsed down only to see a servant girl sprawled on the ground.

This sounds a little awkward too. Maybe change it to somehting like "Startled, Aram glanced down..."

She is different. He thought silently somewhere in the back of his mind.

Comma after "different" instead of the period. And most people think silently, you don't need to say that.

She was young, about the same age as Aram himself. And she didn’t look half bad.

Is Aram young? It seems like someone in such a high position wouldn't be. Since this setting is so long ago, I think you could make her younger and have it be acceptable. Also, I don't like how it says "half bad." Use a better term like "pretty" or "mildly attractive." "Half bad" doesn't sound right in this style of writing.

Aram was a tall person for his age.

Tall for his age? He's not an adult? That doesn't really make sense...

“What if I were to say yes?” she answered bluntly.

Bluntly doesn't describe the wording well. If she had just said "yes" then it would, but the way she's making it a question, makes it seem much less blunt.

The girls expression faltered under her hard face for just a second. Revealing confusion, but only for the tiniest second; but it was enough for Aram to see it, the smile was getting to her, bothering her.

Make the period after "second" a comma, and make the semicolon before "but" be a comma, then change the comma after "it" to a period.

He was shorter than the woman and seemingly shorter than Aram.

If he was shorter than the woman, then he is definitely shorter than Aram, because you just said he was taller than her.

What had just happened? He wondered.

Thoughts should be italisized.

Maybe she wasn’t just a servant girl after all.He liked her attitude.

You need a space before "he"

Ishtar, where was that name familiar, he had to go check a few things.

The comma after "familiar" should be a period.

I liked this one as well, but I feel like it lost some of it's atmosphere. Before, the time period was clear, and it felt more realistic. The flirty thing Aram was doing felt rather modern. I would change that a little. The smile thing was a little confusing too.

Good luck, and let me know if you have any questions.