To the death: Chapter One-Part Two

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Here it is! Sorry about the longness of it

I doubt Alison even likes Sam. She’s just doing it to torture Avril. To make her feel jealous. That’s the reason she’s with him., Avril thought. Avril have never liked anyone like this before. Not to mention Avril has never liked any boy at all. She’s not the boy crazed type. It was going to be a hard fight, but back then, she was willing to go for it. But look where that’s got her to. Samuel, as Alison’s boyfriend, and Avril, single as always.
That was in seventh grade. I bet if she had known what would happen, she’d never even have looked at him.
But now it’s now, enough with the past. Avril’s life is good, except Alison of course. Avril has three best friends, Olivia, Kasey, and Lisha. Just a normal girl, with a worst enemy. And, look, here comes her devil. Luckily she have her oh-so-helpful friends there.
“Oh hi Avril” sneered Alison, “I’m going on a date with Samuel tonight.” Alison loves to rub things that she has and Avril doesn't in her face.
“Oh lovely.” Avril replied to her, hoping that she wouldn’t hear the jealousy in her voice.
“What are you doing Saturday night, Avril? Or are you such a loser that all you’ll be doing is staring at your toes?” Cackled Alison
“Well, I’m gonna . . .”
“No, no, no.” She turned to face her 'friends', “We don’t have time for such losers. Let’s go.”
And then those 'friends' followed her, as if she were controlling them.

“Isn’t she so sweet?” Said Olivia, as they were walking to the bus.
“I know! She would make a great friend.” Said Lisha
“W-what?” Avril asked. She knows they aren’t acting. How could they be so deafened by our last conversation, again?, she thought.
“Oh C’mon Avril. You’re acting silly! Why don’t you go ask her to come to that sleepover we’re having tonight?”
“Okay guys, you’re acting crazy. We all know she’s the devil don’t we?” asked Avril, putting her fingers up on top of her head to make them look like horns.
They gave Avril these confused looks. Now, this is getting a little suspicious. It's as if they're under a spell!
“Didn't you hear what she said?” Avril asked, balling her hands into fists, “You call her SWEET?”
Now she knew she was going nuts. She could read her friend’s faces perfectly.
“I have to go,” said Lisha. She looked down at the floor, trying not to catch Avril’s eye. Of course, they didn’t want to be seen with such a “lunatic”.
“Yeah me too. Kasey, what about you?” added Olivia
“Yeah, bye Avril.”
They went off, whispering and giggling. They must of said Avril’s name once, or twice. I bet Avril wishes her life was like that, being blinded by the evilness. Or even better, having them know the real Alison.
Avril arrived at the sleepover that night. Her friends glanced at each other. There was an awkward silence for quite a while. Finally Olivia spoke up.
“Okay, Avril, I know you've been acting weird around Alison, again. But I'm sorry to say that as friends we can't do much to help you. It's not our fault you're jealous.”
Avril’s eyes almost literally popped out of their sockets. “What! How could you possibly think that? Me, jealous of that witch? How could you think that?”
“Oh please, Avril. Who could not think that?” added Lisha
“She stole your crush, Avril. She's everyone's friend, except yours. She probably would be if you were nice to her. Of course you're jealous.”
“I am jealous of her having Samuel,” she said, trying to calm herself down, ” but I would never want to be her. She's controlling everyone. How do you think she could be nasty, while still being friends with practically everyone?”
“Avril, we're saying this now or saying it never. We all know that Alison is innocent. If you're having weird hallucinations...Then have them. But don't pick in Alison just because you're jealous.”
The rest of the sleepover went on at that style, with them accusing Avril of jealousy, with Avril trying and failing at proving her point. It must’ve been terrible for all of them
Avril spent most of the next day tossing and turning, thinking about whether she should care about Alison. Whether she’d rather be blind to her remarks. And once again, she was glad when this day ended.
Avril went to sleep early, and had no trouble waking up. Hopefully, today would be better than yesterday. There's not much hope.
The way to school was a boring, blurry mess, like usual. For Avril, the world doesn’t have much hope that today will be a good day.
Avril approached her desk and sat down.
“Hey, Avril!” said a girl named Madison, who obviously hadn't heard about the sleepover catastrophe. “Danny is having a party on Saturday. He asked me to invite you. Wanna come?”
“Sure!” Avril replied, maybe this day was turning out to be okay. At lest she had a little popularity left in her.
“What's up Avril.” said Olivia.
“Sorry about that night. Would it be okay if we just never talked about Alison?” Avril apologized. Hopefully her apology would work.
“Yeah, sure.” said Kasey.
As if on queue, Alison and Sam sauntered down the hall, their hands in a tight grasp. They passed Avril, their hair blowing in the wind, their sweet smelling musk grabbing a hold of everyone's attention. Obviously, there was no wind, but who says Avril doesn't have a big imagination? Avril would kill to be Alison at moments like this.
“Mom! Danny is having a party on Saturday! Can I go?” Avril asked as soon as she got home.
“I don't know honey, are his parents going to be there?” she asked back. That was a typical response. It was expected.
“Mom, he doesn't have parents.”
“He doesn't?”
That was also expected, “Well, he sort of does, I mean they're alive. He doesn't talk about it much.” she finished
“Well, is his guardian there?” another typical response.
“Yes, mom.” Avril replied. But what her mom does not know, is that Penelope, his sister and guardian, pays no attention to him, and whatever he does is fine by her.
“Well then, I guess you can go.” Said my mom reluctantly.
“Yay!” Avril said, ridiculously happy dancing all the way to her room. Alison would probably be there, same with Sam, and that was a problem. But it could be avoided, or could it.
Most of the eight grade spent the rest of the week talking about the party. And those who weren't coming, spent the rest of the week sulking, and ignoring. But my moment of glory was yet to come.
“Oh, Avril!” called Alison. “Too bad you're not coming to the party.”
“What? Of course I am! What made you think I wasn't?”
“Oh nothing, it's just that, wait. You're coming to the party?” a look of horror passed her face. It's the first time she's ever been truly angry around Avril.
“Why, yes I am.” she taunted, smirking.
“Oh, well,” Alison paused, “I hope your hair is actually good then.” she stammered in a pathetic attempt to insult Avril.
Avril laughed all the way home, no one had never seen such behavior from Alison. Maybe, if things kept up this way, Alison would leave Avril alone, forever.
On Saturday night, Avril walked into Danny's house, her red wavy hair straightened. Her normal bright colored wardrobe, black instead. Her usual makeup less face, made up. She walked up to Lisha, her dark outfit matching her dark skin and hair. Lisha, who was standing with her shy, dark haired pale friend Kasey, and her light brown haired, outgoing friend Olivia.
Avril caught a glimpse of Alison and Sam, dancing in the distance, their light brown hair waving wildly. Sam just didn't look happy, though.
“I'm hungry.” said Olivia, and she walked over to the food table. The three other friends followed.
“W-wow, beer.” stuttered Kasey. Everyone knew that she wouldn't take any.
At that moment, Alison and Sam walked up to the table.
“C'mon Sammy,” she said. Oh, now he was Sammy! ”Take some!” she said, pointing at the beer.
Sam looked reluctant while grabbing some. For that, I bet Avril wasn't going to take any. Not like she was going to anyway.
“You're not going to take any, are you?” whispered Kasey nervously.
“No, I wouldn't.” Avril answered. Hopefully Olivia and Lisha wouldn't, either.
“Well maybe. . .” said Olivia.
“Well, don't tell me you would!” stammered Kasey.
“Kasey, Kasey, Kasey, when will you ever learn.” interrupted Alison
“Oh Alison! It's just you!” her voice faded a little when she glanced Avril’s way. “You're not drinking, are you.”
“Of course I am, who isn't? Avril . . .” grimaced Alison.
“Oh, well, you always know best! Should—“
“What do you think Avril?”
“Ohhh, I don’t really know,” Avril replied. And this, is where Alison forces Kasey to drink. This won’t be good.
“So, you’re just going to live your young life, never ever trying beer? I’m ashamed!” she proclaimed. And this is the part where Avril gives in.
“Okay, I’ll try some!” What has she done?
“Me too!” chirped Kasey.
Alison gave her look of insanity, then she turned to Avril, and gave a look of victory. Avril grabbed a beer, took a swig, and kept drinking, and drinking. And then all was a blur.
“Helloooooooooo handsome!” Avril slurred, walking up to Sam. “A cute young man without a dance partner. What to do, what to do.”
“Yeah” he too slurred, “Wanna dance?” he asked
“Why, I’d love too!” Avril answered, big mistake.
Sam and her spent the next couple of minutes dancing their bottoms off. It was, obviously, one of the most blissful moments of Avril's life.
“I’m having so much fun, aren’t you?” Avril bellowed at the top of her lungs.
“I’ve never had a bet—“ he started.
“YOU! ARE! STEALING! MY! BOYFRIEND! HOW DARE YOU!” Alison hissed at the top of her lungs.
“It’s not my fault!” Avril bawled. “I really didn’t mean to!”
“Yes, you, did!” she accused, each word separated from the next.
“ALISON! I REALLYYYYYYYY REALLYYYYYYYYY DIDN’T!” Avril said. Now the whole party had gathered to watch the little ‘cat fight’.
“Oh, yeah! Sure you didn’t!”
Something shot out of her hand, glimmering blue drops. They landed on Avril's face, and before anyone knew it, she was crying. She wasn't drunk anymore. Suddenly, she felt much better, yet still terrible. Suddenly, Avril felt the urge to leave, quick.
“Goodbye, everyone!” she cried, as she ran out of the house.
Tears were streaming down Avril's face, dampening her hair, and washing off her makeup. She was thinking on how to get home, by bus? By walk? By taxi? Her mom, who would pick her up, didn't know Avril was coming early. And there's no way that Avril would reenter the party.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaavril!”called a voice in the wind.
“W-w-who, was that?” Avril asked, nervously. She looked around, not noticing any trace of recent human action.
“Was that you, Avril?” said the same distant voice.
“H-h-h-how do you know my name.”
“Everyone knows your name dearie, everyone.”
“Th-th-they do?”
“You know what? You have been clueless for too long.”
A fair skinned, brown haired, brown eyed woman at about the age of 30 appeared out of thin air. Avril gave a little shiver, though didn't say a word.
“I,” said the lady, “am Cecilia.” Cecilia was wearing a grin, and had a friendly twinkle in her eyes.
“WHO ARE YOU?” boomed Avril.
“Well, that was expected.” said Cecilia. Avril was shaking from head to toe. Let's just hope doesn't lose her temper again.
“Are you trying to kidnap me?” she asked shakily. Her deep green eyes were open wide open, while her red face was beginning to match her red hair.
“I don't want this to be this way . . .”
“You ARE trying to kidnap me! There's nothing you want from me! Go away.” Avril was standing in a position that made it easy to attack if she ever wanted to.
“Honey, everyone wants you, you should be happy that someone from the good side got to you first. This is for your own safety from the Reed family.”
“Reed family? You mean Alison Reed?”
“She's one of them.”
“And what are you here for.” she asked, with a suspicious glow in her eyes.
“Oh Avril, I almost forgot! Activatious Powatius!” she cursed. Avril fell to the floor with a scream. There was a flicker of purple light, and all was black.
Last edited by Chloe(: on Thu Feb 05, 2009 5:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Formerly known as Vivacious.

Full of Cliches:a challenge to see who can write a piece with the most cliches.




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Hello, Looks like i get to review first!

I doubt Alison even likes Sam. She’s just doing it to torture Avril. To make her feel jealous. That’s the reason she’s with him. Avril have never liked anyone like this before.

Who's speaking then? I thought that Avril is narrating the story... Better fix this up ^.^

* * *

“Oh, Hi Avril,”

Should be like this... you put it like This:
“Oh hi Avril”


* * *

Alison loves to rub things she has and Avril doesn't in her face.

After careful re-reading I get what you mean, but it was very difficult to grasp at first. The wording of the sentence isn't what people would use in normal English... It's just no phased right. You might want to change it around a bit.

* * *

“What are you doing Saturday night, Avril? Or are you such a loser that all you’ll be doing is staring at your toes?” Cackled Alison

You had the "c" in lower case.

* * *

“Isn’t she so sweet?” said Olivia, as they were walking to the bus.

Same mistake as above ^.^

* * *

“Well(comma) I’m gonna . . .”


* * *

“No, no, no.” She turned to face her minions, “We don’t have time for such losers. Let’s go.”

And then they followed her, as if she were controlling them.

(INSERT LINE BREAK HERE)

“Isn’t she so sweet?” said Olivia, as they were walking to the bus.

“I know! She would make a great friend.” Said Lisha

“W-what?” Avril asked. She knows they aren’t acting. How could they be so deafened by our last conversation, again?, she thought.

Wait, who's minions, and who followed Alison... I'm confused :smt017

* * *

They gave Avril these confused looks. Now, this is getting a little suspicious. It's as if they're under a spell!

Okay, so you're narrating first person, but you're putting personal voice into it? What you should do here is put what I've bolded in italics, and then follow it with something like... Thought Avril.

* * *

“She called me a loser! You call her SWEET?”

Uh-huh, A loser is such an inventive insult... it offends so much.

* * *

“Yeah me too, Kasey, what about you?” added Olivia

Should be...

“Yeah me too. Kasey, what about you?” Added Olivia


* * *

“Okay, Avril, I know you've been acting weird around Alison, again. But I'm sorry to say that as friends we can't do much to help you. It's not our fault your jealous.”

"your" should be "You're" as in "you are" abbreviated.

* * *

As if on queue, Alison and Sam sauntered down the hall, their hands in a tight grasp. They passed Avril, their hair blowing in the wind, their sweet smelling musk grabbing a hold of every one's attention. Avril would kill to be Alison at moments like this.

There's wind in the hallway, and I thought that they were inside a classroom?

* * *

“C'mon Sammy,” she said. Oh, now he was Sammy! ”Take some!” she said, pointing at the beer.

Again, the bolded should be in italics.

* * *

“Honey, everyone wants you, you should be happy that someone form the good side got to you first. This is for your own safety from the Reed family.”


Form, should be from.

* * *

Well, that's all, I did get confused by a lot of it. I think that you should switch it into first person, the dialogue was really weird!.Well, keep writing, and I'll review the next piece when it comes out!
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Hey, Vivacious :)

I think asxz caught a lot of it. I preferred this chapter to the first one. Although there are still the same recurring problems. You switch perspectives again, I thought it was going to be all from Avril's point of view and then it switched to this weird narrator point of view and again it all got very confusing. So when you edit, I think you should try and decide on one persons perspective. This will make it easier for the reader to understand what is going on.

Alot of the dialogue seems quite forced and unreal. I just think that people wouldn't say those sorts of things. Also you introduced another batch of characters who are basically just names and it's just for plot devices. Why can't it be one of Avril's friends who has the party? Danny doesn't appear anywhere in this chapter even though it is his party, therefore you don't really need him.

The characters are still feeling a bit undeveloped, like you don't really know their personalities. One thing I like to do when I am creating characters is to do a character profile. I will list things such as their name, their appearance, their personality and their circumstance (as in where they live, how much money do they have and things like that). Character profiles always help me to get a clear idea of the character in my head and then I know how they will react to different situations. This may help with Sam because the reader doesn't really know anything about the boy Avril is supposedly in love with and I think it is important that the reader should know something about him other than he goes out with Alison.

You also do that thing again in this chapter where you have the narrator person talking directly to the reader. As I said in the last review, I really don't like this, it makes me less involved in the world of the story.

I don't like the parts where you are describing Avril's friends, where you say one is shy and one is outgoing. Don't tell us what their personalities are like, show us. As a writer you should be able to give the reader a clear idea of the characters without using these types of words.

I like how you are gradually bringing in the idea that Alison is actually controlling her friends in some sort of supernatural way. You haven't just said it straight off, but you are weaving it through the story with hints.

Just read things over again and read it out loud to yourself to check it makes sense. Keep writing and remember you can PM me if you have any questions or need any help!

Bex x



Death is only the end if you assume the story is about you.
— Welcome to Night Vale