Like a Bullet to the Brain - One

This is a new story that popped into my head and I just had to write it down. And also, the MC is a lot like myself. I wanted to put some of 'me' into this story, if you know what I mean? But none of these circumstances or scenes have happened in real life. They are all fictional, just so you don't think these events happened to me.

**Just so everyone knows, I have edited this and have decided to do a duel MC thing, with each chapter being from a different POV. And I will put whoever's POV it is at the top so it doesn't get confusing

Well, hope you enjoy it.

Happy Reading

_____________________

One

Nicole:

I stared at the paper in my hand, feeling my airway slowly constrict. I swear I was having a heart attack. At least it felt like it. My left arm was numb and I couldn’t feel my fingers. Weren’t those the signs of one? Or was that a stroke? Maybe I was having a stroke. Maybe I’d lose mobility on the whole left side of my body…
Or maybe I’d just drop dead.
I sure wished for that fate. The bright red F shimmered in the artificial light of the classroom, deriding me. I could even hear its sinister laughter as the teacher finished passing out the test results.
An F? How could I get an F? I’d been studying for this exam for months, stressing over it for the past few weeks, driving my parents and older brother completely insane with polynomial inequalities and periodic functions for Math Analysis. And now, all that work was blown into oblivion with this simple letter of the alphabet soiling the top of my test. Who picked the letter F to signal “Failure” anyway? Why couldn’t it be Z for “Zero” or L for “Loser” That sounded more appropriate at the moment.
“An F. A freaken’ F!” I whispered harshly, unable to remove my eyes from the scarlet mark on my record. I could just envision my future. All of it going down the drain, everything I had worked for wasted.
My life was over.
“All right class, once you’re done looking at your grades, please pass them to the front so that I can enter them into the grade book.” The teacher’s voice sounded distance, as if she was speaking from another classroom than right at her desk. The normal high school noises dwindled and all I could hear was the blood pumping in my ears.
The F seemed to grow bigger, my surroundings shrinking. I saw myself years from now, begging off the street, homeless. I could see the college administrators speaking to me, shaking their heads, pointing to the F on my record.
I couldn’t breathe.
“Oi, earth to Nicole!”
I was brought back to reality with a crash, both my arms twitching wildly, knocking my math book and planner to the floor with a loud slap! Pairs of questioning teenage eyes pierced my being and I felt my cheeks heat up to an uncomfortable red, which normally happened in any given situation. It was like a curse. If someone I didn’t know so much as looked at me, I blushed crimson.
Mumbling a fair amount of curse words under my breath, I bent to pick up my math book but someone got there first.
My eyes rose to meet a pair of brown-green eyes that always reminded me of moss. I breathed some life into my lungs and forced a smile. He grinned back.
“Here, I got this,” he murmured, the same voice that had brought me back to reality and had caused this embarrassing event to conspire.
“Thanks,” I said, reaching instead for my planner and replacing it on my desk. I noticed that I had released the test as well and it was now face down on the floor between me, and a pair of white Nike’s.
He stretched down to grab that as well but my heart leaped into my throat, just imagining his face if he ever knew about this. He would torture me for the rest of my life! I sprung forward and snatched it up before he could, pressing the front of the test into my neck. He eyed me with both amusement and surprise.
“I got it,” I verified, and he nodded, as if I was dense.
Then he returned to his seat without another word, and I breathed easier, facing the front again. That’s when I noticed that everyone was finishing passing forward their tests. Not daring to peek at my test result again, I glanced about, making sure nobody was looking, and then shoved it into my binder before anyone detected this.
The rest of the hour was spent with me watching the clock, tapping my foot impatiently. I never loathed math more than I did at that moment. The bell was the most heavenly sound when it rang at last and I practically sprinted from the room.
Math was the last hour of the day for me and I just needed to get home and figure out how I was going to make up for this latest blunder. I was nearly to my locker when a voice called out my name, forcing me to slow my pace.
“Nicole! Hey, Nicole!” His voice was too much at that moment; I didn’t feel like dealing with his annoying smirk or messy flop of chestnut hair that I always ached to fix. It drove me crazy how laid-back he was, his clothes always wrinkled, shoes untied. But I faced him all the same; I was too nice to reject him.
He smiled when I turned, the single dimple in his cheek deepening. His stare didn’t seem as perceptive as it had in the classroom only moments ago and I was able to meet his eyes with little tribulation.
“What is it, Carter?” I barked. Though I really wanted to just shout at him to leave me alone, I knew that by doing so, I could give the poor boy a heart attack. Most people never saw the ‘evil Nicole’ as my best friend, Joslyn, christened it after she saw it the first time. And, oh, what a coincidence! It was over a test/I], I thought with a scowl.
He recoiled at the sound of my voice, but the smirk stayed in place. “Whoa, easy there. No need to bite my head off.”
I rolled my eyes, ignoring his comment. “What is it? If you can’t tell, I’m in a bit of a hurry.”
“Hurry for what? To go home?”
I closed my mouth with a click of my teeth knocking together. Carter raised his eyebrow mockingly, waiting for me to answer. His brown hair stuck up in odd angles and my hands twitched; I was so tempted to flatten it with my hands but I resisted and instead glanced down at my shoes.
Shrugging, I shifted my books from one hand to the other. “Yeah, to go home. So what?”
He just laughed. “Well, if you can wait up just a second, I wanted to ask you something.”
“Ask on the way,” I shot over my shoulder as I continued on to my locker. Carter ran to catch up and a few steps later, I reached my locker.
As I spun the dial, he spoke: “I was just curious as to why you didn’t turn in your test when the teacher asked for it?”
I stopped spinning my lock and turned to glare at him. “What’s it to you?”
Carter rolled his shoulders again, leaning against the nearest locker, his eyes locked on the ceiling above. “Nothing, really. Just [I]curious.” He flashed me another smile, one that held a glint of mischief within the innocent curves of his lips.
“I just wanted to review it. I’ll give it to her tomorrow. No biggy,” I said nonchalantly, losing track of my comb and having to start over again.
“Sure, no biggy. Than why were you so protective of it when I tried to pick it up for you? I was just being nice,” he pestered.
“Yeah, well, I’m kind of secretive when it comes to my test scores.”
“Whatever, Nic. You’re lying. I’ve known you for years. You’re like the first to brag whenever we get scores back. Why the sudden change?” Carter was really beginning to get on my nerves. He normally did, but not this badly. Normally I could handle his endless questions with a shrug, and he would usually back off.
But today, he just wouldn’t take the hint.
“There is no change, Carter!” I snapped, messing up my comb for the fourth time. “Stupid locker!” I kicked it and the metal banged into my toe, making it throb. Wincing and biting down on my lip, I leaned my head into the locker door and groaned.
“Nicole, what’s wrong?” His voice dropped an octave and it actually sounded like he was being… nice to me. Wait a second, Carter was never nice to me, I thought, my eyebrows coming together in a confused furrow.
“Just go away, Carter!” I shot him a fierce glare, and he backed off, raising his hands in surrender.
“Jeeze, I was just trying to help—“ he started, but I snorted in disbelief.
“Sure you are. Since when is Carter Sanders nice to me? You’ve bugged me since the second grade! ‘Why the sudden change?’” I mocked him, eyes narrowed slits.
A frown sullied his mouth, something I had rarely seen on his face. It made me feel abruptly bad about the way I was treating him, but that soon faded. I was just too upset to care.
“I see that you’re just a tad angry, so I’ll just go,” Carter mumbled, taking another step back, the frown firmly in place. Then he left, I watching his retreat, noting how his awkward, fumbling walk caught many other students’ attention, but he was oblivious to all the stares. He just whistled with a gentle ease and then he turned the corner and was out of sight.
Sighing, I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against the metal locker again, feeling the coolness of it chill my flaming cheeks. Another side effect of the curse; whenever I got super upset or super happy, my cheeks blushed as though I was embarrassed. I was just a dysfunctional human being; that was all there was to it.
The F came into mind then and I clenched my hands into fists.
“What in the hell am I going to do?” I mumbled into the locker door, feeling my energy fade. I just needed to get home. Once there, I could clear my mind and hopefully find a solution to this mess.
Leaning away from the locker door, I spun the comb and finally did it correctly. The door swung open and I saw my disaster of a place. Most people found me to be a very organized person, since when it comes to homework, everything had to be in its place. But they would be surprised to know that I was an extremely messy person. It even surprised me on occasion how I could find things in the mountain of papers and ripped folders.
Opening my planner, I followed my handwriting to what homework needed to be done, packing it slowly into my backpack. When I stood, closing my locker, throwing my bag and purse over my shoulder, I noticed that the hallways were almost empty.
Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath. I needed to collect myself. I was going home to face my parents, who were going to want to know how the test went. I just hoped I had the courage to tell them the news and then withstand the lectures following it.
God, I hated my life.

Hey ash,

I noticed that you posted something new and I decide to check it out.

This is very interesting. So far, it's seems normal. A girl pissed off about her grade that she made on a test.

Nicole...Why is she so afarid to tell her parents that she fails a test? and Carter...if he has been bugging her since the second grade, why is he being nice to her now?

I will have to Keep on reading to see what is going to happen next. PM me when you do posted something.

Well, talk to you later.

See ya around.

Hey, Ash! Thought I'd come and check out some of your new stuff! This looks great.

I stared at the paper in my hand, feeling my [s]chest[/s] airway* slowly constrict. I swear I was having a heart attack. At least it felt like it. My left arm was numb and I couldn’t feel my fingers. Weren’t those the signs of one? Or was that a stroke? Maybe I was having a stroke. Maybe I’d lose mobility on the whole left side of my body…
*I think "airway" fits better, because it's usually the airway that constricts, not the chest.
Or maybe I’d just drop dead [s]right there[/s]. For some reason, I don't think "right there" is necessary.
I sure wished for that fate. The bright red F shimmered in the artificial light of the classroom, [s]as if it was[/s] mocking me. I'm pretty sure it was mocking her, not just acting like it. I've had that score before . . . I could even hear its sinister laughter as the teacher finished passing out the test results.
An F? How could I get an F? I’d been studying for this exam for months, [s]been[/s] stressing over it for the past few weeks, driving my parents and older brother completely insane with (insert subjects pertaining to test, ex: slopes for algebra, Dante for English, or quantum theory for science. And now, all that work was blown into oblivion with this simple [s]enough[/s] letter soiling the top of my test.
“An F. A freakin’ F!” I whispered harshly, unable to remove my eyes from the red mark on my record. I could just envision my future. All of it going down the drain, everything I had worked for wasted.
My life was over. Yeah . . . I've definitely felt that before . . .
“All right class, once you’re done looking at your grades, [s]could you[/s] please pass them to the front so that I can enter them in the grade book.” The teacher’s voice sounded distant, as if she was speaking from far away*. The normal classroom noises dwindled and all I could hear was the blood pumping in my ears.
* Well, that's kind of what "distant" means: far away. You don't have to do this, because it sounds absolutely fine (that's why I put a star instead of actually correcting it), but I would change "far away" to "another room" or "the hallway".
The F seemed to grow bigger, my surroundings shrinking. I saw myself years from now, begging off the street, homeless. I could see the college administrators speaking to me, shaking their heads, pointing to the F on my record. Gosh . . .
I couldn’t breathe.
“Oi, earth to Nicole!” I'm not really sure if which spelling is correct "oi" or "oy" but I've always been taught "oi".
I was brought back to earth with a crash, both my arms twitching wildly, knocking [s]both[/s] my math book and planner to the floor with a loud [s]crash[/s] slap! Pairs of questioning teenage eyes pierced my being and I felt my cheeks heat up to an [s]most[/s] uncomfortable red, which normally happened in any [s]given[/s] embarrassing situation. It was like a curse. If someone [s]who[/s] I didn’t know so much as looked at me, I blushed crimson.
Mumbling a fair amount of curse words under my breath, I bent to pick up my math book but someone got there first.
My eyes rose to meet a pair of brown-green eyes that always reminded me of moss. I breathed some life into my lungs and forced a smile. He grinned back. Ooh, I like this. A lot.
“Here, I got this,” he murmured, the same voice that had brought me back to reality and had caused this embarrassing event to conspire.
“Thanks,” I said, reaching instead for my planner and replacing it on my desk. I noticed that I had released the test as well and it was now face down on the floor between me and a pair of white Nike's.
He reached down to grab that as well but my heart leapt* into my throat and I sprung forward and snatched it up before he could, pressing the front of the test into my neck. He eyed me with both amusement and surprise.
*You're American, right? I thought so. Anyway, I think US spelling is "leaped", but I think it would be just fine the way it is. I'm never sure on these things.
“I got it,” I verified, and he nodded, as if I was dense.
Then he returned to his seat without another word and I breathed easier, facing the front again. That’s when I noticed that everyone was finishing passing forward their tests. Not daring to peek at my test result again, I glanced about, making sure nobody was looking, and then shoved it into my binder before anyone noticed. Sneaky . . . the teacher's going to pitch a fit.
The rest of the hour was spent with me watching the clock, tapping my foot impatiently. I never loathed math more than I did at that moment. The bell was the most heavenly sound when it rang at last and I practically sprinted from the room.
Math was the last hour of the day for me and I just needed to get home and figure out how I was going to make up for this blunder [s]on my part[/s]. I was nearly to my locker when a voice called out my name, forcing me to slow my pace.
“Nicole! Hey, Nicole!” His voice was too much at that moment; I didn’t feel like dealing with his annoying smirk or moss-colored eyes, but I faced him all the same. I was too nice to reject him.
He smiled when I turned, the single dimple in his cheek deepening. His moss-colored You've used this description a couple of times now; I think you should find a replacement. eyes didn’t seem as perceptible as they had in the classroom only moments ago, and I was able to meet [s]his eyes[/s] them with little tribulation.
“What is it, Carter?” I barked. Though I was too nice to reject him, I could at least make it clear to him that I wasn’t to be bothered at that moment.
He recoiled at the sound of my voice, but the smirk stayed in place. “Whoa, easy there. No need to bite my head off.”
I rolled my eyes, ignoring his comment. “What is it? If you can’t tell, I’m in a bit of a hurry.”
“Hurry for what? To go home?”
I closed my mouth with a click of my teeth knocking together. Carter raised his eyebrow mockingly, waiting for me to answer.
I shrugged. “Yeah, to go home. So what?” I don't get it: what's wrong with going home? It's the best place on the planet! (not if you just had an F, though)
He just laughed. “Well, if you can wait up just a second, I wanted to ask you a question.”
“Ask on the way,” I shot over my shoulder as I continued on to my locker. Carter ran to catch up and a few steps later, I reached my locker.
As I spun the dial, he spoke: “I was just curious as to why you didn’t turn in your test when the teacher asked for it?” Ha ha, he's Sherlock Holmes.
I stopped spinning my lock and turned to glare at him. “What’s it to you?”
Carter rolled his shoulders again, leaning against the nearest locker, his eyes locked on the ceiling above. “Nothing, really. Just curious.*” He flashed me another smile, one that held a glint of mischief within the innocent curves of his lips.
*I just thought italics would make his comment more interesting. Feel free to ignore it.
“I just wanted to review it. I’ll give it to her tomorrow. No biggy,” I said nonchalantly, losing track of my comb and having to start over again.
“Sure, no biggy. Than why were you so protective of it when I tried to pick it up for you? I was just being nice,” he pestered.
“Yeah, well, I’m kind of secretive when it comes to my test scores.” "Does the letter 'F' mean anything to you?" Ha! I'm having a load of fun reading this!
“Whatever, Nic. You’re lying. I’ve known you for years. You’re, like, the first to brag whenever we get scores back. Why the sudden change?” Carter was really beginning to get on my nerves. He normally did, but not this badly. I had never had the sudden urge to yell at him to get away as I did right then. Normally I could handle his endless questions with a shrug and he would usually back off.
But today, he just wouldn’t take the hint.
“There is no change, Carter!” I snapped, messing up my comb for the fourth time. “Stupid locker!” I kicked it and the metal banged into my toe, making it throb. Wincing and biting down on my lip, I leaned my head into the locker door and groaned.
“Nicole, what’s wrong?” His voice dropped an octave and it actually sounded like he was being… nice to me. Wait a second, Carter was never nice to me, I thought, my eyebrows coming together in a confused furrow. Aw . . .
“Just go away, Carter!” I shot him a fierce glare, and he backed off, raising his hands in surrender.
“Jeez, I was just trying to help—“ he started, but I snorted in disbelief.
“Sure you are. Since when is Carter Sanders nice to me? You’ve bugged me since the second grade! ‘Why the sudden change?’” I mocked him, eyes narrowed slits.
A frown sullied his mouth, something I had rarely seen on his face. It made me feel abruptly bad about the way I was treating him, but that soon faded. I was just too angry to care.
“I see that you’re just a tad angry, so I’ll just go,” Carter mumbled, taking another step back, the frown firmly in place. Then he left, leaving me alone.
Sighing, I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against the metal locker again, feeling the coolness of it chill my flaming cheeks. Another side effect of the curse: whenever I got super upset or super happy, my cheeks blushed as though I was embarrassed. I was just a dysfunctional human being. That was all there was to it.
The F came into mind then and I clenched my hands into fists.
“What in the hell am I going to do?” I mumbled into the locker door, feeling my energy fade. I just needed to get home. Once there, I could clear my mind and hopefully find a solution to this mess.
Leaning away from the locker door, I spun the comb and finally did it correctly. The door swung open and I saw my disaster of a place. Most people found me to be a very organized person, since when it comes to homework, everything had to be in its place. But they would be surprised to know that I was an extremely messy person. It even surprised me on occasion how I could find things in the mountain of papers and ripped folders. Sounds a lot like . . . me!
Opening my planner, I followed my handwriting to what homework needed to be done, packing it slowly into my backpack. When I stood, closing my locker, throwing my bag and purse over my shoulder, I noticed that the hallways were almost empty.
Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath. I needed to collect myself. I was going home to face my parents, who were going to want to know how the test went. I just hoped I had the courage to tell them the news and then withstand the lectures following it.
God, I hated my life.

OVERALL: I loved reading this! It was so funny, just how real it was. I mean, I've totally been there: bad grade, the horrible thought of confronting parents coupled with the presence of an extremely annoying being . . . ah, high school. Hm, too bad I'm not out of it yet.

Anyway, Most of the things I pointed out were grammar errors, and I think the story line is great. Keep it up and PM me when something new comes up!

~Sunny

Hey Ash!

I saw you posted something new and I had to come check it out and you didn't disappoint. It was cute and the MC kinda reminded me of me a little. Sunny already took care of the grammar stuff so I just have one thing to point out. One thing you should always do is play around with different words and ways to word sentences to make it flow better.

“Nicole! Hey, Nicole!” His voice was too much at that moment; I didn’t feel like dealing with his annoying smirk or moss-colored eyes, but I faced him all the same. I was too nice to reject him.

He smiled when I turned, the single dimple in his cheek deepening. His moss-colored eyes didn’t seem as perceptible as they had in the classroom only moments ago and I was able to meet his eyes with little tribulation.

“What is it, Carter?” I barked. Though I was too nice to reject him, I could at least make it clear to him that I wasn’t to be bothered at that moment.

Using the same phrase in close vicinity of each other really messed me up, so I think you should use something else.

This was really really good and I want to read more, so when you post more of this please PM me.

Au revoir,

~Angel

*ashleylee~

Here are some thoughts and comments while reading...

*Just a little side note~
You know, I'm always up to your new stories. And I do enjoy them, greatly. The "me" thing, I think I will find quite enjoyable. Well, off I go...!

*Starting with the first~
Just with the first sentence, I was immediately hooked. I don't know why, maybe it's the way you worded it.

*Just like everyone else~
Doesn't everyone hate an F. God, I hate them. Right when you look at your final or some essay or whatever, and you didn't pass, it seems that all hell breaks lose. It's like you feel really sick and your world is crumbling down, quickly.

*Like a dropped pencil~
You know, I liked it when you had the scenario when Nicole dropped her math book and planner. I'm sure everyone has that problem when the whole class is staring at you and you feel like you're put on the spot light. Goodness, I hate that.

*I was only trying to help ~
I felt bad for Carter getting chewed out by Nicole. He didn't do anything wrong. She was just having a bad day after seeing her grade. Oh, and I loved how you put the feelings and emotions out there for Nikky. There was just enough for me to get the grip of it. Oh, and what math class does she take? Trig., Pre-Cal, etc.?

*Overall ~
I'm sorry Ashley, if I didn't have anything harsh to say. Or anything that I could have pointed out for you. It's just that this part one, didn't really have anything wrong with it. It was great, actually. And don't we all hate high school. Great job! And don't forget to pm me when you post more. I like to know more of the Life and Times of Nicole!

*Merry

Wow, when you edit you really edit! This was way better than the first draft and your character is twice as good as she was the last time. Everything flowed well and there really wasn't much to complain about except this one little nit-pick.

“I see that you’re just a tad angry, so I’ll just go,” Carter mumbled, taking another step back, the frown firmly in place. Then he left, I watching his retreat, noting how his awkward, fumbling walk caught many other students’ attention, but he was oblivious to all the stares. He just whistled with a gentle ease and then he turned the corner and was out of sight.

I think you mean "I watched his retreat."

All in all, I still like this.

Keep writing,

~Angel

Wow.

it's better than before. Just be careful on your Italics. You italics a part that i don't think you want to have italics.

Just pay attention to what everyone esle say and you will be okay.

Pm me when you have the next chapter up. i'm excited to see the next chapter.

see ya around.

I'm back! It looks like you covered most of the errors. I'll just go back through to pick out anything I missed before.

**Just so everyone knows, I have edited this and have decided to do a duel MC thing, with each chapter being from a different POV. And I will put whoever's POV it is at the top so it doesn't get confusing

Yay! I love duel romances, in fact I'm writing one myself now!

“An F. A freaken’* F!” I whispered harshly, unable to remove my eyes from the scarlet mark on my record. I could just envision my future. All of it going down the drain, everything I had worked for wasted.*

* I don't know if I put this before, but it should be "freakin'", because normally it would be "freaking", so you just take off the g.
**I'm not sure if there should be a comma before "wasted." I think it would make it flow more. This is how I would read it if there was a comma: "All of it going down the drain *pause* everything I had worked for, *pause* wasted.

“All right class, once you’re done looking at your grades, please pass them to the front so that I can enter them into the grade book.” The teacher’s voice sounded distance, as if she was speaking from another classroom than right at her desk.

Comma after "right" and before "class". And change "distance" to "distant".

My eyes rose to meet a pair of brown-green eyes that always reminded me of moss. I breathed some life into my lungs and forced a smile. He grinned back.
“Here, I got this,” he murmured, the same voice that had brought me back to reality and had caused this embarrassing event to conspire.
“Thanks,” I said, reaching instead for my planner and replacing it on my desk. I noticed that I had released the test as well and it was now face down on the floor between me, and a pair of white Nike’s.

This is a great "first sight" for Nicole and Carter. But I have to say I was confused when I read the first few lines. I thought, maybe, they were already boyfriend+girlfriend. And I didn't know his name, his attitude, or his appearance. (except for the mossy eyes, of course ) I just think a more extensive introduction might be needed here.

The rest of the hour was spent with me watching the clock, tapping my foot impatiently. I never loathed math more than I did at that moment. The bell was the most heavenly sound when it rang at last and I practically sprinted from the room.

Rewrite: I spent the rest of the hour watching the clock and tapping my foot sharply against the linoleum floor in impatience. Never before had I loathed math as much as I did that moment. I was sure the bell was the most heavenly sound I'd ever heard when it rang at last. I jumped out of my seat and practically sprinted from the room.

Or, er, something like that.

I was too nice to reject him.

"Nice" is the operative word. It can mean a million and a half things, believe it or not, so I won't list them. But maybe change this to something with just as little emotion but better word choice. "Polite" for example . . .

“What is it, Carter?” I barked. Though I really wanted to just shout at him to leave me alone, I knew that by doing so, I could give the poor boy a heart attack. Most people never saw the ‘evil Nicole’ as my best friend, Joslyn, christened it after she saw it the first time. And, oh, what a coincidence! It was over a test[s]/I][/s], I thought with a scowl.

First: I think you should have her bark, "What, Carter?" instead of "What is it, Carter?" "What" just seems appropriately blunt for a bark. And the last part, "And, oh, what a coincidence!" I didn't like that. It was just . . . awkward. *shrug*

God, I hated my life.

I'd change this to:
[i]I hate my life.
As in a thought. It sounds better without the past-tense in there, you know?

OVERALL: Great! This is much better than last time, though I still bust a rib reading it. The only other thing I would suggest would be to change the title from Like a Bullet to the Brain (which is great and original, btw) to something shorter, like: Bullet to the Brain. That last suggestion is entirely up to you. It's a great title no matter what.

~Sunny

This is actually really great. I enjoyed reading it and I love your characters. Thy're very interesting so far. I can't wait to read more. Keep up the good [edited] work

To all Critique-r's above:

You guys are AWESOME! FANTASTIC! GREAT! COOL!

As you can tell, you all are greatly appreciated

Thanks so much! I am beginning to edit, again, as we speak!

Ashley. Ashley, Ashley. I'm a horrible, terrible person. Just beat me up. I'm so very incredibly sorry for not doing this a month earlier! I hope you'll still stand me.

“All right class, once you’re done looking at your grades, please pass them to the front so that I can enter them into the grade book.” The teacher’s voice sounded [s]distance[/s] distant, as if she was speaking from another classroom [s]than right at her desk.[/s] The normal high school noises dwindled and all I could hear was the blood pumping in my ears.

In here, the teachers put the grades to their books before giving the test away. I just thought I'd tell you, it has nothing to do with my review, though.

And, oh, what a coincidence! It was over a test/I], I thought with a scowl.

“Nothing, really. Just curious.”

Proofread your text before you post it, so there won't be any errors like these.

“There is no change, Carter!” I snapped, messing up my comb for the fourth time. “Stupid locker!”

Haha, I loved that. Stupid locker

Sighing, I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against the metal locker again, feeling the coolness of it chill my flaming cheeks.

Good description, I can totally relate.

Most people found me to be a very organized person, since when it comes to homework, everything had to be in its place. But they would be surprised to know that I was an extremely messy person.

'An extremely messy person' makes this sound repetitive (after the 'organized person') so I suggest you just change it to 'extremely messy'.


Nicole:

I think you've done a good job with her. School must be really important for her... Of course, I would die if I got an F, so I think she's a bit like me. I can feel her frustration and the eagerness to get home soon (then again, also the fright of what's waiting at home), away from those staring eyes. Her lines felt pretty realistic, I guess it's been easier to base the character on yourself. I take she is the one based on you.


Carter:

I've always had a thing for mischievous, smirking, cunning male characters. So I have to say I love Carter! I think it's interesting how he and Nicole have know each other for years, and I want to see where it's going to lead... He seemed realistic to me, as well, and I think characterization is probably one of your strengths. That's an important thing to have, so congrats! But oh, Nicole was so rude to him!


Overall:

It's very soothing to read something [i]real every once in a while. You don't have to have ultra exciting twists of plot to make the reader feel entertained and wanting to read more. What you have here is something that I'm sure everyone can relate to, at least at some levels. That is making this real and still interesting to read. I'm looking forward to find out what's going to happen!


Good job, Ashley dear, and again sincere apologies for being such a horrible procrastinator.


Demeter
xxx