Young Writers Society

To my unspoken name [edited version]

Unthinkable thoughts can’t
come into existence without being thought.
How do you learn
knowledge unknown?
I experimented with creations
neither as scientist, nor inventor,
but as lover.
Explorations with sincerity and belief
led me to hear and finally to listen.
Your name I dare not sing
was in every melody.
If words are unspeakable,
I will not speak to you.
But nothing goes unexpressed.
So I pen my forbidden feelings
write of impossible touch,
of sights I must be blind to.
I’ve never savored being obvious,
but with emotions so strong they are
declared to be a weakness,
in an area where my success would be
the gravest failure, I find it is
beyond me to be subtle and
silent, as is so openly, obviously,
outspokenly expected of me:

I will shout those
unspeakable words.
I’ll wish on non-existent stars,
dream of the most
unobtainable things
I’ve never had.

"What value will there be in life
if we are not together?"

"'Tis better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all."

Do I, even now, at this immeasurable time,
find it impossible to speak plainly,
except with borrowed words?
I cannot.



The original version, if you want to compare, is in the spoiler.

I like this. A lot, actually. I love the part where it kind of turns around and answers its own question, saying that the speaker will write what can't be said. I like the frustration behind it, bordering on ridiculousness; i know that feeling. Very well conveyed, and pleasant to read, too.
Ok, now for the parts I thought were weaker. I didn't like the line

I’ll say them not to you.

because it sounded kind of ostentatiously antiquated, if you know what I mean. That would be acceptable in a sonnet, perhaps, but in this free verse poem it broke up the flow and tripped me up.
I thought the last whole section needed to go; the poem should end with "I've ever not had." It's not the strongest ending, but it's not bad. And all the stuff after that is irrelevant and messy and doesn't fit with the poem's focus.

This was a good read. Hope my suggestions helped!
-BFG

Beautiful. Such eloquence is almost non-existing. I loved it. I was tired of searching through poems looking for a poem that's half as amazing as this one. I only have a few comments. I know, I'm a grammar freak.

Adnamarine wrote:To my unspoken name

How do you learn
unknowable knowledge?
Unthinkable thoughts can’t
come into existence without being thought. (the poem flows better this way)
And your name that nobody can sing (the word that you used doesn't really fit. It's not a real word)
is in every melody I’ve ever sung.
If words are unspeakable,
I’ll say them not to you.
But nothing cannot be written.
So I pen my forbidden feelings,
(don't say unfeelable. It just makes the poem sound bad)
write of impossible touch,
of sights I must be blind to.
I’ve never savored being obvious,
but with emotions so strong they could be
declared a weakness, (it flows better this way)
in an area where my success would be
epic failure, I find it is
beyond me to be subtle and
silent, as is so openly, obviously,
outspokenly expected of me:

I’ll shout those unspeakable words. (flow is everything)
I’ll wish on non-existent stars,
dream of the most unattainable things,
I’ve ever not had.

"What value will there be in life
if we are not together?"

"'Tis better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all."

Do I, even now, at this immeasurable time,
find it impossible to speak plainly
except with others’ words?
No.
I... hate you,
if you take my meaning,

my unspeakable name.

As I said before, this poem was lovely. It flowed pretty well. I think the ending was fine. Although if you absolutely felt the need to change something, make the end sum everything up. Thanks for giving my mind a break from all the "I love him, why doesn't he love me, why doesn't he notice me, I love him," stuff. This poem really does shine.

Keep Writing!
Peace, Love, and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

Here I am, Adna! Anything for you!

How do you learn

unknowable knowledge?

I know all those 'un'words are supposed to be there, since they basically are the poem (and this is a compliment, by the way), but the made-up words like 'unsingable' and 'unwritable' stand out too much. Though, I must admit, I'm in love with made-up words. I just didn't feel that they fit in here that well. Anyway, in here, you could consider changing the last line to 'knowledge not known' or something. I think the thing you're reaching for would show better that way.

Unthinkable thoughts can’t

come into existence without being

thought.

I can see what you're aiming for, and the idea is very beautiful, but I think you kind of flat it down with this wordy line. You know, it's a bit like a bucket of flowers in a plain grey office room, if you will. The flowers are beautiful, of course, but a meadow would be more becoming to them than the office. If you know at all what I mean!

And your unsingable name

is in every melody I’ve ever sung.

(Now I realize I just should've quoted the whole poem instead of these little boxes, but I hope it's fine.) I'm wondering how the name is 'unsingable'? Is it impossible to sing just because, or is it too dangerous, or something like that? You could use that Forever Threnody's suggestion for this, and choose a verb that fits. You know, as in 'Your name that nobody can sing' or 'Your name that nobody will sing' or 'Your name that nobody dares to sing' and so on. And to avoid the repetition in the last line, you could change the 'sung' to 'hummed' or something similar.

I’ll say them not to you.

Hmm. Maybe not. This just doesn't feel right.

So I pen my forbidden,

unfeelable feelings, write

of impossible touch,

All fine, beautiful image, but please! Don't say unfeelable! It has the ability to burn eyes badder than 'Write Gooder'

I’ll shout those

unspeakable words.

I don't know whether it's intentional, but this feels somewhat abrupt. Is there a reason why you wouldn't type 'I will' instead of 'I'll'? With 'I will', it would both flow and look better. Also, I'm not sure about that word 'shout'... Hmm. I can't make up my mind about that. You know best.

I’ve ever not had.

This goes into same file than 'I'll say them not to you'.

except with others’ words?

The 'others'' make this sound slightly awkward. I liked the idea, though, with the first two lines.


And about the end. I like it very much, and the image is very beautiful. I just didn't like the 'I hate you' part, it's too in-your-face. So I definitely want to you to keep the ending, but just replace the 'I hate you'.


Overall, I like this piece and I think you should give it a try with the Journal. The abstractness is lovely, and I like how you keep the poem together with those 'un'things. Just a little hint: I think you have a better chance to be chosen in the Journal, if you remove that 'unfeelable'. Then again, it might be just me. It's a possibility that they will love the word as much as I fear it, haha. So in the end, don't listen to anyone – you know best if there's something wrong with some line or image.

With that said, I just could delete the whole review, haha. No, but seriously. You do have a chance, this poem was overall pretty and meaningful. Forgive my rambling.

See you around!


Demi
xxx

Of course I will! First off, Gold Star!

epic failure, I find it is

Epic Failure? For this poem, adna, that brings up so many thoughts and deeper meaning, Don't put in Epic Failure! Maybe you could put in loss or some other word that describes, 'Epic Failure'

outspokenly expected of me:

I liked this one a lot because it flowed nicely and was just a really cool line. I don't know why I like it so much...

un[s]attainable[/s] things

Unobtainable?

I’ve ever not had.

This phrase needs to be looked at, I like the meaning leading up to the phrase, but I think it could be worded differently.

"What value will there be in life

if we are not together?"



"'Tis better to have loved and lost

than never to have loved at all."

I like the quotes you use here, they fit in with the poem nicely.

Do I, even now, at this immeasurable time,

find it impossible to speak plainly

except with others’ words?

I love this little bit here, it gives me a great image of you standing up to someone and the words are just dead on! Great job.

No.

I... hate you,

if you take my meaning,



my unspeakable name.

I found this last bit, well, unimportant to the rest of the poem. I would just throw it out. It has really no meaning to the poem, I think. It doesn't give it anything. I actually thinkit takes away from it.


Sorry I couldn't give a longer review! There wasn't much to say against it, in my opinion. I liked this Adna! Keep up the good work and post in my 'Will Review For Food' anytime.


---Jon---

Hello there! Okay I think I shall start with a line by line and then sum my feelings up at the end once I've decided what those are

To my unspoken name [An interesting title. At first it made me wonder if the poem might be about loneliness and isolation but now I can see it is about how one persona feels about another. Or at least that's the way I've interpreted it XD]



How do you learn

unknowable knowledge? [I'd like to see you expand on this. At the moment a lot of your poem just touches on the questions and then moves on to another but in order to really know your narrator I think you need to have him/ her delve deeper into the query. For example, how would your narrator think to get around this? Would they attempt to read unreadable books or seek out the none-existent carrier of such knowledge? This is in the realm of a persona's mind so anything is possible, in thought at least.]

Unthinkable thoughts can’t

come into existence without being

thought. [I like this. I think this is one you don't need to expand on and the line break works nicely.]

And your unsingable name [Why And? Yet would seem more fitting to me, almost as if it's a half solution to the inability to complete the above action. Also I'm not sure about unsingable but it would flow more smoothly if there was just one word there. I'd suggest you move away from the opposites a little and perhaps use something like 'muted name' or 'voiceless name'.]

is in every melody I’ve ever sung.

If words are unspeakable, [Not all words are though so maybe 'these words' or 'my words'.]

I’ll say them not to you.

But nothing is unwritable.[Maybe 'But nothing goes unexpressed' would have the same meaning but without the stumble on the made up word?]

So I pen my forbidden, [I love the ambiguity of pen, easily my favourite part of the poem. It's very clever and fits superbly.]

unfeelable feelings, write [Not sure about unfeelable? I don't hate it but I feel that there could be a different word.]

of impossible touch,

of sights I must be blind to.

I’ve never savored being obvious,

but with emotions so strong that they’re

declared to be a weakness, in an area

where my success would be

epic failure, I find it is

beyond me to be subtle and

silent, as is so openly, obviously,

outspokenly expected of me: [I find no fault with any of these lines. Lovely.]



I’ll shout those

unspeakable words.

I’ll wish on non-existent stars,

dream of the most

unattainable things

I’ve ever not had. [The two lines are certainly necessary but I'm not so sure about the others? They're a little ordinary compared to the rest of your narrator's musings. Not quite... eloquent enough to fit the voice? Except it's more an eloquence in thought than wording if you know what I mean...]



"What value will there be in life

if we are not together?"



"'Tis better to have loved and lost

than never to have loved at all."



Do I, even now, at this immeasurable time,

find it impossible to speak plainly

except with others’ words? [Maybe this would flow more smoothly as borrowed words? Or recycled words?]

No.

I... hate you,

if you take my meaning,



my unspeakable name.

I think the ending works nicely. It brings it full circle, ties off the loose ends quite neatly and still leaves a vague, rather thoughtful atmosphere. It's good. The poem as a whole is but I think it's a little bit too imprecise in places and relies too heavily on the questions and clever wording. I think you need something a little more to show us a deeper characterisation of your persona, something that makes him/ her unique. Because these questions on their own aren't so unusual, it's more the answers that they invite.

Feel free to ask me any questions you might have and good luck on any changes you might make!

Heather xx

Here as requested, Adna darling! xD

How do you learn
unknowable knowledge?

I think you should elaborate and expand on this idea. It's like we've got this really original, perceptive thought that you could philosophise on and squeeze its full potential out, but then you're dragging us away from it and only giving us a preview. It's like the trailer of a film or something like that; we're not getting the full picture. How would the person in the feel attempt this idea? Why have they come to this conclusion?

Unthinkable thoughts can’t
come into existence without being
thought.

I like this idea very much, and the enjambement works very nicely. I also like the perceptiveness of it a lot. My main problem is the repetition of 'thoughts' but I'm a stickler, and it works nicely, so ignore me. xD

And your unsingable name
is in every melody I’ve ever sung.

Remove 'and', as it's kind of pointless here at the moment. Furthermore, I don't agree with the use of 'unsingable.' It makes me thing of the verb 'singe', for some reason, and doesn't really...exist? ^_~ Thus, it makes the line seem a bit immature, if you get my drift.

I’ll say them not to you.

I'll say them not to you would sound better.

But nothing is unwritable.

I don't like, 'unwritable', it sounds off.

where my success would be
epic failure, I find it is

Somehow 'epic failure' isn't quite strong enough for me. It's not giving the reader that emotional lifeline we need. I would suggest using something that better indicates a sense of failure/dissapointment, to create a more melancholy atmosphere. I don't know, 'epic failure' just makes it seem a bit jaunty, a bit like a joke, when it's actually a serious matter.

I’ve ever not had.

Eek. This is a bit clumsy and detracts from the flow. I would just say, 'I've never had.'

except with others’ words?

I agree with Heather, try, 'borrowed words'. An alternative would be 'stolen words.'

No.
I... hate you,
if you take my meaning,

I don't like these three lines. It's far too colloquial and crude compared to the rest of the poem. 'take' is the wrong word for me, people would usually say 'understand' or 'get' (though that's too crude for the purpose of this piece) or possible comprehend. This last three lines aren't really doing it for me, though I do like the final line, so keep it in. This just seems so sudden and rushed that it makes the reader a bit startled and unnerved, I was looking for a classier, smoother ending. Something that portrayed a bit more feeling than 'no. I ... hate you.' That just seemed a bit petulant compared with the way the narrator normally speaks.

Overall, I really liked it. A lot of the wording was great and if you delved deeper, you could find such philosophical meaning. I liked the perceptive sense this poem had, as I've pointed out a lot of the time. They seem to be your forte in this poem, the idea of thinking unthinkable points. That seems to elaborate on this poem's theme of redundancy and being unwanted, or being rejected - though I may be completely wrong, hehe. I did like the ideas in this, though, and being abstract is great if you can structure your thoughts a bit better.

One think for you to work on would be to stop throwing different questions and ideas at us so quickly and instead, stop and smell the roses. Elaborate on each question, expand and engage with the reader more rather than tearing them away at the last minute. Get into your narrator's mind further and show why she is coming to these conclusions and making these statements. Try to bring up memories or a few more of those lovely concrete images like penning unthinkable feelings. That makes the flow of ideas less diluted, and brings more meaning to the poem.

Overall, I enjoyed it and think you should definately submit it, after these suggestions, and other peoples', have been looked over.

Good luck!

-Sarah