Young Writers Society

They were on the road,
Just ready to get home.
It was late at night
On June 26, 1991
They never saw the light,
Heading from the other side.
The moon wasn’t lit too bright
It was a head on collision
There was nothing they could do
By the time they saw her
Laying on the hard, red ground
Her frail bike was scattered around
It was the night she turned eighteen
Trying to take wing.

The last she told them was
“I love you, and I’ll see you soon,”
Little did she know that would never happen,
She was never coming back
Being gone on the scene
She had been leaving for the college of her dreams


[Chorus]
God gives and God takes
He blessed the world with a girl
And called her back home
To the white gates with pearls
Where she could freely roam
She’s in a great place, better than this world.

Six months had gone by
Everyone still in mourning
When they got the news
Her older sister was with child
The date that the baby was due
Was on June 26, 1992
Her mother cried with joy
It was an ease from all she’d been through.

[Chorus]
God gives and God takes
He blessed the world with a girl
And called her back home
To the white gates with pearls
Where she could freely roam
She’s in a great place, better than this world.

They say that she looked just like her
With little blonde baby curls
Her blue eyes reminded them of the skies
Certainly a little angel in disguise.

oooooh I LOVE IT!!! Good first attempt, 10 times better than mine (see: From Here)

I'm surprised no one has commented before me.

anyway, the only thing that I would change is the first stanza:

you tried to rhyme too hard (brights lights) here and you never have a rhyming scheme like that anywhere in the song after that.

By the time they had saw her
Laying on the hard, red ground

I didn't like this part...a little choppy. I might be wrong about this and I banned myself from "correcting" grammar but I think it should be "By the time they saw her"...and its less wordy.

The moon wasn’t lit to bright
It was a head on collision

Ok, I sound kinda nit picky here but "The moon wasn't lit too bright" isn't entirely relevant in my eyes. You already say that she couldn't see the headlights and the moon not shining brightly isn't going to do anything. Head on collision also makes it sound like its a car accident.

They never saw the light

Since its only the girl, why "they"?


Ok, sorry if I sound harsh...because I really really like this song. Especially the ending. That was awesome (for some reason it reminds me of Touched by an Angel one of my favorie TV shows)
I don't think we've met before so hello! See you around YWS!

Hi there! Here as you requested

First off, I'm perhaps not the best person to review lyrics, since it's hard to make it up without the music. I felt that in some places, the lines were a little too wordy, but if you have the music in your head, I'm sure the lyrics fit.

There were a couple of grammar thingies.

The moon wasn’t lit to bright

'Too bright', it should be. Also, this sounds a little weird: like the moon was some kind of object that needs to be lit, which it of course isn't. So, especially when you don't have strict rhymes, this should be pretty easy to fix.

By the time they had saw her

Either 'they had seen' or 'they saw'.


Maybe I've just been too much involved with poetry, but I'm not a big fan of telling straight how something is. Like 'being proclaimed dead' or 'her sister was pregnant'. This kind of things just feel too in-your-face, but then again, it might be different with lyrics.

I still liked how you told a real story with this. It was certainly better than my first attempt at lyrics. Way, way better, so good job. I think you have potential, just keep writing and reading!

Hope this helped even a little. See you around!


Demeter
xxx

Thanks or your review! Yeah, I see that they are a bit to straightfoward in some places. I'll try to edit it out...when I ever get time.

Whoa! That is so profound.
I'm not sure how you want it to sound but when you do know how, I suggest recording it and making it into a demo.
My oldest sister has a music major in jazz vocals and my other sister won a contest with Avril Lavigne's former guitar player back in December. Me, I'm the odd one out, I'm not looking for a fancy music career. It's all about the writing.
But, about your song, I really do think it has radio potential.
So, try talking to local underground radio stations, mainly ones that are operated by college students. They are often looking for material to play.

Good luck!

OK so I'm not very good at reviewing but I'm going to give it my best shot... I really liked the song in general! The lyrics were very touching and bringing the sisters pregnancy in there really brought emotion. I can picture this song as like a country song... the kind with the slow music and everytime you hear it you get chills. Great attempt at a first song and keep up the good work!

I loved it! Just loved it! The chorus is just great, and the last part, speechless. Really.
Keep writting!
-Taylor

I can help you pretty good since I write songs myself. Well first of all the basic thing about writing a song, is making sure you have some kind of music. For example if you write a song about death, you obviosuly not going to use an electric guitar jamming on some rock tunes. You're probably going to go for acoustic and go for a slow steady beat. Writing lyrics is a good thing to do, but make sure that while writing you know the beat and rythm, or else it's basically pointless.
Now to the lyrics:
I liked it. Unleast if it's your first time, then I did. You had rhyming words, so that was good. Now remember that when writing a song, that many artists don't just rhyme. They don't always use words that rhyme, but they make sure that each and every sentence fits in, and doesn't stand out, which could ruin the whole song. It was good overall, for a "newbie" to the music world. Just remember that while writing songs, that each word makes sense, you don't want to be talking about death at one point, and then say cheese the next (Yeah I know lame example but you get the point lol).
More questions?
PM me!
Good luck! =]

I'm crying.........still crying..........ok I'm done. Beautiful.