Five Heart Shaped Necklaces Chapter 3

Chapter 3
Castra

We were still in the meadow that surrounded my house-and their apartments- when we heard The Voice.

“Castra. Castra. Castra.” It whispered on the wind.

“Did anyone else just hear that?” I asked anxiously.

“Yeah, but I wish that I didn’t.” Replied only Emily.

“Well, I didn’t! You guys are hearing things again!” Carly scoffed.

“Castra. Castra. Castra.” Again went the voice.

“Whoa, I heard it that time.” Amanda’s tense voice rang out through the meadow, but I wasn’t listening anymore.
The voice was talking to me.
“Shh!” I quieted everyone.

“Come to Castra my young protectors. Your answers will lie there.” The majestic voice floated. It carried a familiar quality to it.

“Mother!” I shouted!

“What?” Everyone asked at the same time.

“We have to go to Castra to find out what this necklace means! I heard mother’s voice, telling me to go!”

They looked like they were staring at an insane pixie.

“Listen, what else do we have to do beside save Earth from the dumb Brownies? We can do that on the way! I get weird feelings around this necklace, and I want answers!” My voice was getting higher, louder. My pulse quickened, and my stomach was on fire. I was officially one pissed pixie.

No one seemed to notice, because the kept egging me on.

“Well, I say that we stay. There are sooo many Brownies! If we left them alone, they’d multiple while we were gone!” Carly groaned.

My vision went blurry.

“I agree. Plus, the journey to Castra? Only one pixie group ever made it. Well, at least made it there and back alive.” Rachel said.

My whole body went numb with power. The pain in my stomach was bubbling up my whole body. This was just too much. I exploded.

The meadow turned black with the fury of my power. The trees were blown away, even before the black fireball hit it.

My vision blurred even more. I could barely make out my so called friends cowering under Emily’s shield. Damn Emily to hell.

My evil had taken over. Exhaustion swept over me faster than my friends, and everything went as black as my magic.

When I woke up, I was chained down to my bed. They had welded me to the wall, and there were several padlocks on the doors and windows. I could hear them downstairs.

My evil never left me. I could still feel my eyes being a reddish black color. I checked my wings. Yeah, they were all black too.

Great, I thought. I blew up my favorite meadow, and tried to kill my friends.
What a wonderful time to explode, when we were close to discovering the secret of the necklace. And now, we know that the necklace is linked to Castra, the ancient lost pixie magical realm of the whole of my existence, and I was chained to my own bed!

This was too easy though. I flicked a small, dark magic ball at one of the chains. It melted. Nice!

I realized that I could manipulate my powers to make a whip and a sword made of pure black power.
I quickly cut the chains and the padlocks off the door, not making a sound.
I stepped out into the hallway, with a smirk on my face, only to find six missiles enchanted with magic, coming for me. Alarms went off throughout the house, and the tensions from downstairs almost chocked me with force.
I leapt up easily, avoiding the first missile.

It followed me.

I flicked my wrist and they all exploded.

My smirk returned as I headed down the stairs. I kenw that they could hear me, and I used that to my advantage.

“Oh I wonder where my dear friends are? Oh, there you guys are!” I didn’t have to pretend to be shocked as I walked into my huge kitchen.

They had laid out everything that you would need for a journey. Maps, food, water, camping supplies, books, toilet paper, and basically the works of magical items.

“What are you guys doing?” I asked astonishingly.

“We’re going to Castra. Want to join us?” Amanda said with a gleam in her eye.

“Hell yeah.” A wicked smile formed on my face as I went over to their table and helped with the preparations.

Hallo, again! ^^ Poppy Mare has returned to hand out her opinions! D< Fear my none harmful opinions! Muah ha ha ha!!

[Ahem] Sorry. Lost it there for a sec. I like the third chapter, but I'm still wondering what are Brownies. What makes them so different? What do they look like? You already make it clear that they're the Bad Guys, but you need to give more info about the enemies. Or else, what's there to hate? xD Maybe other people don't know what Brownies are (like me T_T), so a drescription about them wouldn't hurt.

I did spot a couple of mistakes, so here we go!

We were still in the meadow that surrounded my house-and their apartments- when we heard The Voice.


“Castra. Castra. Castra.” It whispered on the wind.


“Did anyone else just hear that?” I asked anxiously.

Describe the voice. Is it male or female? Low tone or high? You make it clear that it's a woman's voice later, but you should bring that around here.

“Yeah, but I wish that I didn’t.” Replied only Emily.

This sentence just feels wierd. Rephrase it, but keep the fact that Emily was the only one who spoke.

Argh! I have to go again. I'll be back to review some more later. But keep it up! I wanna read Chap. 4 D<

-Poppy

*Waves* Hi there!

Wow, I really like how this chapter adds a bit of development to everyone. The way you’ve given the rest of the main character’s group differing opinions and ways of dealing with things is making them appear much more as people to me, much less as so many faceless pieces of background. So great job!

I’m continuing to really like this twist on your main character, showing her anger and vulnerability and how her powers create a weakness within her. Her inability to control her powers, linked to an inability to control her emotions, shows us a flaw in her that helps make her a million times more believable as a character.

Also, also! The plot is totally starting to roll along now. I’m interested to see what’s the big deal with this necklace, and I really want to know more about this world and why it’s dangerous to go to and, well, in general, what it is.

I did spot a couple of typos:

No one seemed to notice, because the kept egging me on.

“The” should be “they”

“Well, I say that we stay. There are sooo many Brownies! If we left them alone, they’d multiple while we were gone!” Carly groaned.

“Multiple” should be “multiply.”

and the tensions from downstairs almost chocked me with force.

“Chocked,” I think, should be “choked.”

“What are you guys doing?” I asked astonishingly.

I don’t think “astonishingly” was quite the word you were going for here. That suggests that we should be surprised she would ask the question. I’d suggest “astonishedly,” but Microsoft Word claims that isn’t a word, and adverbs are kinda icky anyway. XD I’d go with “I asked, astonished.”

And a few small things within the story that didn’t quite make sense.

I could still feel my eyes being a reddish black color.

How would one feel one’s eyes being a color?

I realized that I could manipulate my powers to make a whip and a sword made of pure black power.

This seemed… a little rushed to me. I’d think if she was realizing something about her powers, powers which she’s, I presume, had for ages now, there’d be a little more surprise, confusion, trial-and-error process, etc. involved here. I suppose it just felt very emotionless to me, for being such an important realization. I’d suggest either working more with the moment when she realizes this new power, or having her have had this power from the beginning.

Other than these things, though, this is a really strong chapter. ^_^ I really like this trend towards better character development so far—I’m the sort of reader who has to get attached to characters to really enjoy the story, and their development is helping me do that. Plus the plot is rolling along now, and I’m curious to find out what happens next. ^_^

“Mother!” I shouted!

Second exclamation point is not needed.

Only thing I caught, still looking really good. However, that's a lot of security to put on one person. Which is fine, security level's fine... but her friends, when they see her walking unharmed through the doorway, despite their level of security, wouldn't they be a tad bit surprised? I mean, jeez. They chained her to the bed, welded her to a wall, put padlocks on all the possible exits, even set missiles at the door! And the girl doesn't even have a scratch on her! I'd be surprised, if nothing else, in their situation.

You mention her letting out her evil... intriguing, but what is her evil? Something we'll find out later, yes? Don't think we should find out here in this chapter, maybe describe it later.

you know the drill by this time, I hope! I'll be looking for the PM announcing the new post! ^_^

In the beggining of this you said

We were still in the meadow that surrounded my house-and their apartments- when we heard The Voice.


“Castra. Castra. Castra.” It whispered on the wind.


“Did anyone else just hear that?” I asked anxiously.

The problem with this, is that you said "WE" heard the voice, and then your MC asks if anyone else heard it. It should be "I" there not we.

I liked how in this chapter you showed us more about her powers, but I agree with what was said above, that if shes finding out the different ways she can weild them for the first time there should either be more trial and error, or she should already understand them pretty well. I vote for the second option. She has probably been living with these powers her whole life, she should know how to use them.

And you need to tells us more about what the brownies are like. I mean, from every other book I've read, brownies are the kinds of creatures that enter your house and clean it, not ones who make war on pixies. It's really hard to make those two images connect.

Anyways, I think you doing a pretty good job on this overall. Keep up the goood work.