Light and Darkness, part 1

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 10
chapter 1



It was light outside, despite the time, and Lief Olson couldn't sleep. It
wasn't the heat, though that probably had something to do with it. It
wasn't the annoying fact that she and her sister's friend Dahlia, had
invited her sister but not her to a sleepover. It was more the fact that she
felt as though someone, or something was watching her. But that couldn't be,
because there were no windows in this bedroom, and the door had been firmly shut
and locked since four o'clock that afternoon, and nobody had been in here
then. Yet still the feeling lingered and she couldn't get rid of it. So she
opened her eyes, turned the light on, picked up a book and started to read.

Despite being an avid reader, Lief was very good at sports, and almost always
was the best in her class, even though she never practiced the stuff, and rarely
went out for sports. This puzzled a lot of people, and usually got her a lot of
strange looks and questions in the process of trying to explain it more clearly.


On the very first day of every new school she went to, there was always
someone who tried to pick a fight with her. They always regretted it, too. And
no wonder, because by the age of twelve, Lief was a black belt in karate and ti
kw an doe. Now that she was seventeen, there were few people who could beat her,
even her masters had a hard time.

Lief read until midnight, when she finally fell asleep, which was a good
thing because it meant she had eight hours of sleep before she had to go to
school. Unfortunately she didn't notice the minute, draconish figure with
little bat-like wings, watching her from across the room.

The little figure flew out, took the book gently from Lief's unmoving
hands, marked the page and set on her nightstand. After, he carefully took hold
of the blanket and pulled it so it covered all but Lief's head. Then it flew
back to the desk and sat in the shadows, so that he could see everything, but
nothing could see him. And that was how everthing in Lief's life began to
change so that she would never be quite the same person ever again.



**********************************************************



"Morning mom! Morning dad! Morning sis!"said Lief.

"Morning Lief!"

"Good morning, honey."

"Good morning, Lief."

"Well, I hope I do well on all these tests today! I've got a test on
every subject, all in one day!" mourned Lief. "If I don't ace all
of them I might not go onto the next grade!"

"I know! It's the same for me!" cried Lief's little sister,
Catalia piteously.

"Well, they don't call it Test Day there for nothing, do they?"
laughed their mother.

"Yeah, but all in one day?!" chorused the two girls.

"They do that to see if you can endure. Do you think you can stand long
enough to finish everything and manage to ace it?" asked their father
menacingly. Their father was a fantasy writer, and one of his favorite things to
do was to try to make his kids believe the stories he made up. Unfortunately for
him, their mother refused to let that happen. Like right now.

"Now Steve, don't you go telling your crazy stories again. If I hear
you tell these kids one more false story that has nothing to do with what your
writing, I'll-"

"I understand Charlotte, really, I do." interupted Steve quickly.
Charlotte loved horror stories and once she got going into gruesome details, she
didn't stop until you were either puking or turning a nasty shade of green.

"Excuse me, but we have to get going, or we'll miss the bus. Come on
Catalia." said Lief, feeling the starting of a war about to start and not
wanting to get caught in the middle of it.

"Coming!" called Catalia, hurriedly putting her shoes on.
"Man, the least you could do is wait for me!"

Lief had already walked out the door and halfway down the street before
Catalia caught up.

"Sorry Catalia, but you don't want to be in the house when mom and
dad start going at it." Lief said gently, looking at her little sister with
absolute affection. Lief and Catalia were about as different as its possible for
two sisters to be. Lief was more like her mom. She had long blond hair that
reached her waist, skin as pale as paper, an enchanting smile, and a gentle
kindness that made almost everybody love her instantly. She was older than her
sister by just a few minutes, and could get seriously upset when she didn't
understand something.

In contrast, Catalia was more like her dad, with jet black, waist-length hair,
a cute little grin, and with the born spirit of a fighter. She was some one you
could never predict and who was more tomboy then anything else. The one thing
the girls had in common was that they both had the same stunning, icy blue eyes
that seemed to draw people toward them.

They had many friends but preferred to spend time reading, laughing, and
joking together. They knew each other inside out, and could make the other laugh
as easily as they could breathe. Which was how Lief managed to make Catalia stop
being mad at her by the time they reached the bus stop at the end of the street.

"So, have you studied enough?" asked Lief, a flicker of amusement
flashing in her eyes at the huge moan that came from the younger girls mouth.

"Hey sis," started Catalia, grasping at straws. "Could I read
your notes on the way there? Plllleeeaaassse?!"

Lief considered her sister for a moment. "What were you doing when you
should have been studying? Were you playing video games again?"

"No! I was reading the books you told me about!" cried Catalia.

"Which ones were those?" asked Lief curiously.

"The ones you told me had a boy in them with the same name as you, I
forget what they were called but they were really cool!"

"Oh, you mean the Deltora books, right?"

"Yeah, those ones!" said Catalia excitedly.

Lief considered her sister again. "If I let you read my notes, will you
do me a favor?"

"Of course! What do you want me to do?"

"There's a book that I want to read that just came out, but I
can't because I'm reading another book. Could you read it for me and
tell me what you think?"

"Sure! What's the book called?" asked Catalia.

"I have it here actually." Lief pulled a huge bound book entitled,
Eragon.

"Don't worry, I'll read it! Thanks a ton, sis!" Catalia
gave her sister a huge hug just as the bus stopped to pick them up.



**********************************************************


"Ugh! I can't believe we had an English test, math test, literature test, creative writing test, and a P.E. test one after another without a break!" moaned Catalia as she made herself fall onto the bed in which she and her sister shared. It was a water bed and luckily, too, thought Cat as she watched her sister plop her school bag onto the desk across the room and began pulling out her assorted things. Cat's eyes were drawn to the little statue of a dragon that Lief had had for as long as she could remember. There was something about that dragon that made Catalia curious. But Lief didn't speak very much about it, so Cat didn't either.

But there really is something strange about that figurine, she thought wearily, and not for the first time either. Nor would it be the last, it turns out.

"Hey, by the way, how did you manage to finish the literature test in five minutes? Not to mention the English test that took you all of two seconds!" Cat's mind was still partially on the dragon figurine, but thinking about it was making her head hurt, so she thought of something else.

"Two seconds? What, were you timing me or something? Cause if you were, then you did a horrible job of it. And anyway, nobody can answer a 276 questions in two seconds. If you were wondering how I managed to answer all of the questions in under twenty-five minutes, then the answer to that is quite simple - I studied." Lief said calmly. "Now, where did I put it? Aha! Here it is. Hmmm, that's not good, I think the bag got stained. Oh well, not like it's the end of the world, I suppose."

"What is it you were looking for?" Cat sat up, trying to get a better look at whatever it was Lief was holding. It was a velvet purple bag with a pale blue silk in lining. It looked expensive.

"I was looking for - this." Lief pulled something out of the bag and handed it to her sister.

"It's just a crystal." said Catalia, puzzled.

"Look again, you nitwit." said Lief, and there was a slightly irritated tone to her voice, as though she was trying very hard to remain calm.

Cat looked closer at the cryastal. It was in the shape of a male elf with a drawn bow, posed to shoot. It was blue in color, and quite detailed.

"Cool, where did you get this? Next time you go, can I tag along with you? I think I might want one of these! Here you go little guy." Cat set the elf on the desk next to the dragon, then looked at them critically.

"Hey you do realize that it's your turn to set the table, right? Shouldn't you get going on that now?" Lief looked up at Cat from her seat at the desk.

"Crap, I forgot!"

"Better get crackin' to it or mom'll be pissed." said Lief idly.

"Good point. Hey can you come with me? It'll go faster with someone to talk to."

"Alright, fine. I was actually going down there anyway so I could get something to drink, so I suppose it won't hurt to stay down there a bit longer than I intended." Lief got up and made her way to the door.

"Well are you coming or not?" Lief noticed that Cat hadn't moved, but instead was admiring the figurines on Lief's desk. "Come on, you." Lief grabbed her sister's arm and dragged her out of the room and down the stairs, where they talked about this and that, though the talk was half-hearted, and not very interesting.

**********************************************************

"Hi mom. Hi dad." chorused the two girls without trying.

"Thank goodness it's Saturday. Unfortunately, that means that we have to go with our friends to the mall. Maybe we can call in sick" asked Lief as she laid her head on the kitchen table and closed her eyes in exhaustion.

"No, don't you dare! You commited to this, and your going to go through with it to the end." said their mother shrewdly.

" Alright, alright, I get the point. I'm too tired to argue at the moment."

"Well then, pray that it won't last too long. Here you go." said their mother, setting down a plate of pancakes in front of each of them.

"Wow, that surprising. Mom baked her special homemade pancakes. What day is it, Christmas?" Lief joked, looking around as if she expected to see a giant, decorated fir tree with presents underneath it.

"Don't be silly, Lief. It's not Christmas - it's Easter!" said Cat, looking at Lief incredously, though it was obvious she was trying hard not to grin.

"Yeah, right," Lief laughed. "Easter in the middle of October, that'll be the day."

When the girls had finished their pancakes, they went back to their room and got ready to go to the mall. They said goodbye to their parents, and joined their friends outside of Old Navy, where they totally wasted their money on clothes and accessories. Two hours later, the sisters got back home and hurried up to their room, where they collapsed onto their bed. They were instantly asleep.

Silently, two figures craweled over to the girls and looked at them. The first figure was the elf Lief had bought that day, only now it was a full-sized elf. The second was a much smaller figure of a dragon, who was looking slightly bemused at the size he was.

"It's too bad that you can't grow to your full size. You and I both know what would happen if you did." said the elf.

"Yes, yes, I know, but that doesn't stop the fact that I wish that I could grow back to my original size. Anyway, we need to get to work." said the dragon.

"Yeah, I know." said the elf, already pulling the covers up to the girls chins and starting to clean up the mess the girls had left in their room.

Chapter 2

TO BE CONTINUED...
Image

Image

Image

Image

<== Hurry and click, before they all die!




User avatar
Gender Other
Points 2570
Reviews 245
"Morning mom! Morning dad! Morning sis!"said Lief.


"Morning Lief!"


"Good morning, honey."


"Good morning, Lief."


"Well, I hope I do well on all these tests today! I've got a test on

every subject, all in one day!" mourned Lief. "If I don't ace all

of them I might not go onto the next grade!"


"I know! It's the same for me!" cried Lief's little sister,

Catalia piteously.


"Well, they don't call it Test Day there for nothing, do they?"

laughed their mother.


"Yeah, but all in one day?!" chorused the two girls.


Mwa eek. Talking Heads. Noooot goooooood.

It's soemthing that's continued throughout your story. Where are they? What's the scenery like, what's up, what do they look like, how are they positioned? Standing? Sitting? Leaning against the counter or wall? Holding anything? Face expressions? Are they moving at all, or are they all just standing there, staring at each other and talking? Because, at the moment with no description, that's all they are doing, as far as we the readers know.

"Ugh! I can't believe we had an English test, math test, literature test, creative writing test, and a P.E. test one after another without a break!" moaned Catalia as she made herself fall onto the bed in which she and her sister shared. It was a water bed and luckily, too, thought Cat as she watched her sister plop her school bag onto the desk across the room and began pulling out her assorted things. Cat's eyes were drawn to the little statue of a dragon that Lief had had for as long as she could remember. There was something about that dragon that made Catalia curious. But Lief didn't speak very much about it, so Cat didn't either.


This, though, is where the talking heads wither and die. You've got paragraphs of description and non-dialogue stuff between dialogue stuff, which is good. Consider revising the section above this to match, aye? Talking heads are eveil things to have, especially at the beggining of a story. You need your readers to be hooked, and talking heads tend to drive them away rather than make them stay. ;)

Also, this is pretty long. Normally want your posts somewhere between 500 - 1500 words, 500 being the shortest you want to go, and 1500 being the longest. If your chapter is longer, that's fine, and normal, really. Just do soemthing along the lines of "Light and Darkness CH1 pt 1" then "Light and Darkness CH1 pt 2" and so on. :) Makes your posts a little less daunting so you can get more reviews.

Very interesting story... not something you read every day, lol. PM me when you get chapter two up, yes? I pointed out the only major thing that needed changing, and that is the tlaking heads. But you get the hang of them towards the end, so I don't think it'll be as much of a problem. And if it, hey, no worries, you work through it, I'm ure. :) Please do PM me when you get pt 2 posted, 'k? :)
Necropolis SB / Necropolis DT

Once was Dreamer, is now LowKey_Lyesmith.

Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.




User avatar
Gender Other
Points 89625
Reviews 1272
Despite being an avid reader, Lief was very good at sports, and almost always was the best in her class, even though she never practiced the stuff, and rarely went out for sports. This puzzled a lot of people, and usually got her a lot of strange looks and questions in the process of trying to explain it more clearly


Info dump with long sentences. Break up some of those compound sentences to make it easier to understand. The info dump isn't that bad, but ask yourself: do we really need all this information now? If you do, then decide if you want short paragraphs to explain it (like you've done now) or scenes. Either way is fine, but it depends on the tone of your story. If her skills will come in majorly handy, you might want to show us her skills, not just tell us about them.

"Now Steve, don't you go telling your crazy stories again. If I hear you tell these kids one more false story that has nothing to do with what your writing, I'll-"

"I understand Charlotte, really, I do." interupted Steve quickly. Charlotte loved horror stories and once she got going into gruesome details, she didn't stop until you were either puking or turning a nasty shade of green.


These paragraph confused me. Mostly the bit after "Charlotte." Again, ask yourself if we need to hear all of this now.

"Oh, you mean the Deltora books, right?" ...... "I have it here actually." Lief pulled a huge bound book entitled, Eragon.


I cut out a bunch here because you might need to worry about copyright infringement. I'm not sure, since you only mentioned the titles, but better double-check if you want this published.

It was a water bed and luckily, too, thought Cat as she watched her sister plop her school bag onto the desk across the room and began pulling out her assorted things.


What is thoughts and what is author comment? Put thoughts in italics to avoid that confusion. Also, you give us a nickname without proper introduction. It took me a minute or two to realize Cat was Catalia.

Nor would it be the last, it turns out.


"It turns out" ruins the nice build up we have about the figurines. Delete.

"Thank goodness it's Saturday. Unfortunately, that means that we have to go with our friends to the mall. Maybe we can call in sick" asked Lief as she laid her head on the kitchen table and closed her eyes in exhaustion.


"Asked Lief"? Where is the question mark that shows she's asking?

The first figure was the elf Lief had bought that day, only now it was a full-sized elf.


I thought she had bought it yesterday.

Overall: Very interesting concept, but there are a few things that really take away from the plot.

1- Unneeded info dumps. Every time you're about to put some nice little bit of history in, ask yourself: a- if we need to hear that right now, (when we haven't seen anything in the prose or dialogue that indicates character/place history is needed) and b- if the answer is yes, then decide if it's better to give a short description like you've chosen to do for the histories, or if you want scenes to show us your character's skills.

2- Every single bit of dialogue in here has got tags after the words. It's is perfectly okay to start a dialogue paragraph, and to break up the dialogue, with actions. The way it is now, you have to read the tags twice to realize what they're doing.

3- Some of the prose language takes away from the meaning and build up of some sentences. Words/phrases like "totally," "as it turns out," "obviously," and the like are things I don't like to see in prose. Dialogue, fine, but not in the prose.

I really like the idea, however. It will be very interesting to see what happens next!
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 10
thanks everyone! Sorry but Meow's grammer is not that good and this is Meow's first time writing a book. Thank you for the comments though. Meow will work on it right away! <3
Image

Image

Image

Image

<== Hurry and click, before they all die!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 53415
Reviews 1125
Hey there Meow! Allow me to introduce myself, I am the one they call Stella, and I will be your reviewer today. Welcome to YWS!

Okay, I notice that your review count is currently zero. We have rules here, mostly sensible stuff like no abuse and all, but one of them is that for every piece of your own work you do you review two other pieces. It's only fair. So could you please go and do those to validate your own work? ;) Cheers.

I. NITPICKS

It wasn't the annoying fact that she and her sister's friend Dahlia, had
invited her sister but not her to a sleepover.


her and her sister's friend.

But that couldn't be, because there were no windows in this bedroom, and the door had been firmly shut


no commas needed really.

Despite being an avid reader, Lief was very good at sports, and almost always
was the best in her class, even though she never practiced the stuff, and rarely
went out for sports. This puzzled a lot of people, and usually got her a lot of
strange looks and questions in the process of trying to explain it more clearly.


Uh... why is this here?

"Well, I hope I do well on all these tests today! I've got a test on
every subject, all in one day!" mourned Lief. "If I don't ace all
of them I might not go onto the next grade!"


Oh boo hoo. We all have to do exams you know. Why haven't you been studying, silly girl?
"I have it here actually." Lief pulled a huge bound book entitled,
Eragon.


Ew, Eragon, why? (stick around YWS long enough and you'll feel the same way).

"Ugh! I can't believe we had an English test, math test, literature test, creative writing test, and a P.E. test one after another without a break!"


Aren't English, literature and creative writing one and the same?

posed to shoot. It was blue in color, and quite detailed.


poised.

craweled


crawled.

Okay...

II. PUNCTUATION

Example: "I wouldn't worry about it," Ellie said with a shrug.

Can you tell me what the difference between that and one of your sentences is? You see that comma? You put a full stop there. The thing on the end, whether it's he said, she screamed, Ellie said with a shrug, whatever, is called a speech tag or dialogue tag. And it's part of your sentence. So if you put a full stop before it, you're breaking the sentence up too soon.

"I wouldn't worry about it." Ellie said with a shrug.

That makes 'Ellie said with a shrug' a sentence by itself which doesn't make much sense. Which is why never a full stop there, always a comma. Right? Exclamation marks, question marks and dot-dot-dots are fine, but never full stops.

III. THE SOAP-OPERA PHONE EFFECT

According to Rosey, this is called Talking Heads. I never knew that. I've always said it sounds like when people are on the phone in soap operas. You know, where they try to explain what's going on in the conversation when you can only hear one person. Like:

"Hello? Oh, hi, Ashley... No, no, it's fine, you're not disturbing us... what did you need -that recipe for chicken salad? Oh, okay, you don't want it? You have something else to cook for the party? Oh, the party's off. Why? ... that's awful, I hope that Gina feels better soon... I know, the flu's horrible isn't it? You don't have it, do you?... oh, that's okay, as long as you're not sick... yeah, chicken soup does help... yeah, I'd do that too, I'd give her orange juice as well..."

Seriously, who talks like that? In real life, it would go:

"Hello? Oh, hi... no, it's grand... oh, were you looking for that recipe? Oh, okay... really? Why? Oh no... that's terrible... yeah, it is, I agree. Do you have it?... oh, that's okay then... yeah, it does... yeah, I would too."

You see? Using dialogue to tell the story is awkward seeming. Use the dialogue as dialogue, and then explain with normal words. Using dialogue is just awkward.

IV. OVERALL

It was grand. You certainly have a lot of potential with this piece- it's just the dialogue that could use some work, that's all.

Hope I helped, and PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella.
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010



Turn your demons into art, your shadow into a friend, your fear into fuel, your failures into teachers, your weaknesses into reasons to keep fighting. Don’t waste your pain. Recycle your heart.
— Andréa Balt