Carved bone - chapter 1 part 2

All reviews, critics (ofc) are welcomed. Enjoy

Chapter 1 - Pure blood part 2

“Fear the light `cause it can blind you
Fear the dark `cause it can kill you.
Fear me `cause I can live forever
Fear yourself `cause you can’t fear anything.” - Alexa`s lost poem

A single candle burned flickered its flame silently. The apparent stillness was broken by the chaotically dance of the shadows. The light could barely pierce through the darkness.
He enjoyed the semi obscurity in which he was covered in. It always gave him a thought of safety. He smiled pleased of his work and gazed through the window captivated of the full moon that veiled behind the clouds.
The bloody sword, thin and long, stood on the desk over the personal documents. A principle sign lied forgotten among the ravaged papers : “Mr. Orven Harte”.
The lethal steel glowed in the flame almost giving a sense of happiness. The blood followed the edge of the sword dripping on the expensive carpet of the room.
Beythul turned his sight and gazed over his shoulder as he heard steps echoing on the corridor. It was just a person, just a heart beat.
“Meet your downfall, Beythul, you fool!” he whispered to himself.
ZDRANG! The door opened hitting the wall and crumbling into small splinters that flew all over the place. Beythul waited. Calmly he raised and faced the entrance. Everything stopped. The flame died.
“You lost your touch, brother?” An angry voice spilled into the room, shattering the fragile silence into millions of sharp pieces.
Beythul smiled at the young man that entered the room, what was left of the door creaking under his weight.
“ Not at all, Drayk. And, may I ask, what are you doing here?” Beythul grasped his hand on the handle of the sword and pulled it by his side without a sound.
A cold laughter moved trough the darkness and the form of Drayk walked to the other corner of the room kneeling down.
“ After all you haven’t lost your skill as a vampire.”
“ What? The demon life doesn’t fit you?” Beythul laughed loudly approaching the body that was lying on the floor in a poodle of blood. His neck was ripped open, his eyes nailed in emptiness and coldness of death.
Thumpa…Thumpa…Thumpa… Beythul strained his muscles. Demons have no life in them, no heart beat.
“ Hmm… You wonder why I`m here. To give you a little gift from my kind.” Drayk`s voice softly flooding Beythul`s hearing.
Beythul dodged the dagger that scraped his cheek. He leaped over the desk and jumped trough the window. The vampire melted into the darkness of the night.

___________
Luck!

-Akayl

Hmm. Slightly confusing, but intriguing! Terribly sorry that I haven't reviewed this until know, but school has been theiving all of my spare time.
The poem at the beginning was a good opening, and caught my attention. The word "'cause" sort of annoys me, though. I would replace it with for. "Fear the light, for it can blind you....etc."

A single candle burned flickered its flame silently.

Your wording is a little confusing here. I would say, "A single candle burned, its flame flickering silently."
Nice first sentence. It sets the mood very well.

The apparent stillness was broken by the chaotically dance of the shadows.

"chaotic"

He enjoyed the semi obscurity in which he was covered in.

Who is "he?" Is it the darkness, or Beythul? I think it should be "semi-obscurity." You don't need the second "in"; you've already covered it with "in which."

He smiled pleased of his work and gazed through the window captivated of the full moon that veiled behind the clouds.

Comma between "smiled" and "pleased." Starting with the word "window," the rest of the sentence didn't make any sense to me. I think if you reword it to be a little clearer, you will have a really cool sentence.

A principle sign lied forgotten among the ravaged papers : “Mr. Orven Harte”.

Should be "lay." "Lied" is the past tense of telling a lie. I'm really curious about Mr. Orven Harte. Was he the previous owner of the sword?

The blood followed the edge of the sword dripping on the expensive carpet of the room.

For some reason, I want more detail in this sentence. Maybe, "The blood followed the edge of the sword like a thin crimson thread and dripped from the blade's tip onto the expensive carpet of the room." I don't know. Maybe not.

Beythul turned his sight and gazed over his shoulder as he heard steps echoing on the corridor.

You've got the wrong preposition here, and you have two choices. You can either say, "...as he heard steps echoing in the corridor," or "...as he heard steps echoing through the corridor." Either one is grammatically correct, but you can decide how you want it interpereted.

“Meet your downfall, Beythul, you fool!” he whispered to himself.

Umm. Why did he say that to himself?

ZDRANG!

This in an onomottopoeia, am I correct?

The door opened hitting the wall and crumbling into small splinters that flew all over the place.

Mua-ha-ha. Neat image.

Calmly he raised and faced the entrance.

"rose" is the past tense of "rise"

“ Not at all, Drayk. And, may I ask,

Don't put a space between your opening quotation and the first word of dialogue.

Beythul grasped his hand on the handle

I would just say, "Beythul grasped the handle..."

Drayk walked to the other corner of the room kneeling down.

You need a comma between "room" and "kneeling," but I would personally change it to, "...other corner of the room and kneeled down." That's just me.

on the floor in a poodle of blood. His neck was ripped open, his eyes nailed in emptiness and coldness of death.

I think you meant "puddle" instead of "poodle." A poodle is one of those fluffy dogs, isn't it? I can't remember. Okay, the other sentence in this quote is really creepy. It gave me chills. Nicely written! Now, who is the corpse?


Very capturing, intense. I want to read more. Let me know when you have the next part.

Let me know if you ever get tired of me correcting your grammar. It's really the only thing I'm good at in reviewing, so I just pick at it.

-Sea-

Hey there Fellow.

The apparent stillness was broken by the chaotically dance of the shadows. The light could barely pierce through the darkness.

Chaotic. And also, do shadows dance? Not really.

The bloody sword, thin and long, stood on the desk over the personal documents.

You mean by the desk? Swords can't stand on desks.

The lethal steel glowed in the flame almost giving a sense of happiness. The blood followed the edge of the sword dripping on the expensive carpet of the room.

The sword itself is an inanimate object, it can't give off emotions. And how can blood follow the edge of the sword? It's inanimate too.

It was just a person, just a heart beat.

You can hear a person's heart-beat from that range?

The flame died

Why?

“You lost your touch, brother?” An angry voice spilled into the room, shattering the fragile silence into millions of sharp pieces.

This is cliche and just purple-prose. Why exaggerate description to the point that it's just nonsense and unrealistic?

Overall impressions:

Keep description simple and realistic. Do not exaggerate description or else your piece will make no sense to your reader. You also need to be able to distinguish between animate and inanimate objects. Some of your word choices are off because of this. You also need more conflict in this piece. Hardly anything happened, yet you still want reviews for this?

That is all. Good luck.

Andy.

umm..Squall? She was using personification. It's a type of figurative language.

-Sea-

Hey Again Fellow! Let's see how this story continues!

Fellow wrote:All reviews, critics (ofc) are welcomed. Enjoy

Chapter 1 - Pure blood part 2

“Fear the light `cause it can blind you
Fear the dark `cause it can kill you.
Fear me `cause I can live forever
Fear yourself `cause you can’t fear anything.” - Alexa`s lost poem Loved this poem!

A single candle [s]burned[/s] flickered [s]its flame [/s]silently in the dark room. The apparent stillness was broken by the chaotic[s]ally[/s] dance of the shadows. The light could barely pierce through the darkness.
He enjoyed the semi obscurity [s]in which he was covered in[/s]. It always gave him a thought of safety. He smiled insert comma pleased with [s]of[/s] his work and gazed through the window captivated by [s]of [/s]the full moon [s]that veiled behind the clouds[/s].
The bloody sword, thin and long, stood on the desk over the personal documents. A principle sign lay[s]ied[/s] forgotten among the ravaged papers : “Mr. Orven Harte”. is that the name of the sword or the documents?
The lethal steel glowed in the flame almost giving a sense of happiness. The blood followed the edge [s]of the sword [/s]dripped[s]ing[/s] on the expensive carpet of the room.
Beythul turned his sight and gazed over his shoulder as he heard steps echoing on the corridor. It was just a person, just a heart beat. Heartbeat is one word
“Meet your downfall, [s]Beythul[/s], you fool!” he whispered to himself. Wait, Beythul said this to himself? Confusing/did he call himself a fool?
ZDRANG! The door opened Insert comma hitting the wall and crumbling into small splinters that flew all over the place. Beythul waited. Calmly he raised and faced the entrance. Everything stopped. The flame died.
“You lost your touch, brother?” An angry voice spilled into the room, shattering the fragile silence into millions of sharp pieces.
Beythul smiled at the young man [s]that entered the room[/s], what was left of the door creaking under his weight.
“ Not at all, Drayk. And, may I ask, what are you doing here?” Beythul grasped [s]his hand on [/s]the handle of the sword and pulled it by his side without a sound.
A cold laughter moved through the darkness and [s]the form of [/s]Drayk walked to the other corner of the room insert comma kneeling down.
“ After all you haven’t lost your skill as a vampire.”
“ What? The demon life doesn’t fit you?” Beythul laughed loudly approaching the body that was lying on the floor in a poodle of blood. His neck was ripped open, his eyes nailed in emptiness and coldness of death.
Thumpa…Thumpa…Thumpa… Beythul strained his muscles. Demons have no life in them, no heart beat.
“ Hmm… You wonder why I`m here. To give you a little gift from my kind.” Drayk`s voice softly flooding Beythul`s hearing.
Beythul dodged the dagger that scraped his cheek. He leaped over the desk and jumped trough the window. The vampire melted into the darkness of the night.

___________
Luck!

-Akayl

Definitley a new great installment to the story! You definitley are moving the plot along which is awesome and although I have many unanswered questions, it looks like you'll try to answer them soon. My only criticism is the showing and telling thing again which I mentioned in the previous critique so I won't repeat myself again! keep up the great work! PM me if you have any questions!