Creep- Chapter 2

Creep slunk through the sewers. The noxious smell of human waste entered his nostrils and he grimaced in disgust. He didn’t need to go far down here, just far enough to not be close to the scene of his latest turkey shoot. He still had plans for the City, and they didn’t involve being caught.

Something scratched in the darkness. Creep strained his eyes, but in the dim light of the low bulbs he couldn’t see anything at all. He assumed that it was a rat scuttling around and moved on. He didn’t have the time for this kind of vermin. The other kind was still above him.

There was the sound of scuttling again. This time there was a deep rumble as well. This made Creep stop. He didn’t think it was a rat anymore. He drew his pistol and looked around in the gloom. Who knew what might lurk down in the sewers of a fantastical city?

“Who’s there?” he called out to the darkness. “Come on out! Or I’ll hunt you down!”

The rumbling sounded again, louder this time. Whatever was making the noise, it was getting closer. It sounded big too. Creep holstered his pistol and took the Thompson off of his back. He unhooked the empty magazine and threw it into the waters. It splashed and sank into the mire. He put his only other magazine for that gun in and cocked it. He wasn’t going to take any chances.

Something growled behind him. Creep spun around. On the walkway before him towered something he had not seen before. It looked like a dragon on its hind legs, nine feet tall, built like a Greco-Roman statue, all muscle. Creep sneered.

“You’re a big alligator,” he said as he fired the Thompson. Its shots echoed off of the walls of the tunnels, amplified as the sounds traveled off into the darkness. The bullets themselves hit the dragon. But instead of ripping it apart, they bounced off, pinging into the water like so many useless marbles. Creep emptied the entire magazine into the dragon, yet it had no effect on it.

The dragon unfurled a pair of wings on its back. It leaped forward and landed right in front of Creep. Before he could react, the dragon picked him up and threw him down the walkway. He sailed through the air before landing hitting the side of the walkway with his back and falling into the dirty water.

Creep floundered in the mire. The Thompson slipped from his grasp and was lost in the filth He struggled for a handhold on the side of the canal. Something grabbed him and lifted him up out of it. The dragon had taken hold of him again. It threw him across the canal. He hit the opposite side of the tunnel hard. All of his breath was knocked out of him and he tried to stagger to his feet.

The dragon wasn’t having any of this. It leapt across the canal and pinned Creep to the ground with its foot. Then it picked him up with that same foot and slammed him down, hard. Something in Creep’s chest cracked, and he knew he had just broken a rib, maybe two. The pain screamed at him and he yelled in the darkness.

Creep drew one of his pistols and fired at the dragon. At point blank range, he should have blown its brains out. But the thing’s scales seemed to be nigh impenetrable. It picked him up with its foot and tossed him down the walkway. He skidded along, loosing the gun he had been holding. Only one gun left, no way to fight now. He was going to have to run away.

Creep came to a stop, battered and bruised. He got to his feet and tried to run on down the canal edge, to get away from this fight before it got any worse. A sudden blow from behind let him know that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. He stumbled forward, his face slamming into the wet bricks. He tried to get up again, but was grabbed and forcefully pulled up in front of the dragon. It held him before it, looking him over with cold reptilian eyes. Then, it spoke.

“Stay out.”

Then it threw him again, farther this time. Creep sailed through the darkness, his arms and legs flailing out limply. He hit the far side of the canal again, slamming into it hard. Several things lit up with pain; his chest, his shoulder, and his arm all screamed at the force of the impact. His head seemed to be pounding, as though someone had unleashed a full percussion orchestra into his skull. He struggled to his feet and almost fell again. He leaned on the side of the tunnel for support.

The dragon appeared to be leaving him alone for the moment. Creep knew that he needed to get out of here before it changed its mind about that. He began to move forward, teetering along, trying to find an exit from this place.

He stumbled along through the darkness, the pain in his body growing worse with each passing second. Yet he did not see any ladders, any way out of this dark, dank grotto except back the way he had come, where he had entered this place at. And he had no interest in backtracking. Even if he could make it past that dragon, then the cops would be able to bring him down easily.

Finally, a few yards down the tunnel, he saw what he had been searching for. A rusty ladder leading up to the city above, out of this hellhole. He hurried towards it. Every step was like a spear driven into his side, every bounce was a hammer on his head. He reached out and grabbed the ladder, clinging to it with desperation.

He began to climb it now. One rung at a time, he ascended back to the city with pain filling him to the brim. His broken arm and shoulder protested at being used. He let out a grunt as they refused to move quite right for him. Yet still he pressed on towards the surface. Something told him that, in the darkness below, the dragon was still watching him. He did not want to tangle with it again just yet. Maybe later, after he had healed up, gotten a hold of more weapons, he would try again. But not now.

He reached the manhole cover. Balancing himself on the ladder with his legs, he pushed up on it with his good arm. It was hard to do, and stars began to swim in front of Creep’s eyes. But he gave it one final shove and it popped open. The night sky, studded with stars, greeted him. Creep hauled himself out of the sewers and into an alleyway.

He staggered to his feet. Now his head was really hurting. The stars in his vision had become great big globs of light. He was going to pass out in a few minutes, he was almost certain of it. So he stumbled forward, trying to get some kind of help. He wasn’t making much progress though. His skull was pounding like a jackhammer and he wasn’t going much of anywhere soon.

“Hey, creep, what’s your problem?” asked a woman’s voice from behind him. The words were like nails in Creep’s head in his current condition. He turned around, struggling to stay on his feet. He saw a beautiful woman standing there. Or at least, he thought she might be beautiful. In his injured and addled state, she appeared to be part cat and that was throwing him off.

“I-I-I,” Creep began to say, but then everything went white and he slumped to the pavement.

The rumbling sounded again, louder this time. Whatever was making the noise, it was getting closer. It sounded big too. Creep holstered his pistol and took the Thompson off [s]of[/s] his back. He unhooked the empty magazine and threw it into the waters. It splashed and sank into the mire. He put his only other magazine [s]for that gun[/s] in and cocked it. He wasn’t going to take any chances.

Hey, Conrad! I just made a few minor adjustments up there.

“You’re a big alligator,” he said as he fired the Thompson

Um. No? That's probably the lamest thing I've ever heard. I know that you can take comments like this pretty well, so that's why I'm being blunt about it. Haha. Read that outloud. It's sounds horrible.

Imagine you were the Creep. A big monster comes running out of the sewers.

"You're a big alligator!" you say. Hah. Unless this is for a comic relief, ditch it.

Okay. As I said before, Boring is Good! Haha. No, really. I hope the next few parts aren't full of action. Let us, readers, take a breather for a couple of chapters.

I've noticed that you have a lot of the same sentence. Er, how do I put this? All of your sentences are about the same length and it's really kind of annoying. One paragraph really bugged me where you did it.

Creep drew one of his pistols and fired at the dragon. At point blank range, he should have blown its brains out. But the thing’s scales seemed to be nigh impenetrable. It picked him up with its foot and tossed him down the walkway. He skidded along, loosing the gun he had been holding. Only one gun left, no way to fight now. He was going to have to run away.

I dunno. It's just something to look over? You have a pretty solid chapter here, and I'm awaiting the next one!

-Jared

He sailed through the air before landing hitting the side of the walkway with his back and falling into the dirty water.

landing/hitting - pick one.

This time there was a deep rumble as well. This made Creep stop.

Again, with the lack of immediacy. You remember I spoke on this last time. 'Creep stopped.' Is perfectly sufficient, I assure you. The prior sentence more then tells us what we need to know without you taking the action out of...action! You told us! I didn't even know that could be done.

The Thompson slipped from his grasp and was lost in the filth He struggled for a handhold on the side of the canal.

missed a period before 'He.'

Creep floundered in the mire. The Thompson slipped from his grasp and was lost in the filth. He struggled for a handhold on the side of the canal. Something grabbed him and lifted him up out of it. The dragon had taken hold of him again. It threw him across the canal. He hit the opposite side of the tunnel hard. All of his breath was knocked out of him and he tried to stagger to his feet.

The dragon wasn’t having any of this. It leapt across the canal and pinned Creep to the ground with its foot. Then it picked him up with that same foot and slammed him down, hard.

How do you manage to make so much action, so very boring? It's a gift, I tell you, and you need to send it back to whoever gave it to you. They are not your friend. Look at this clinical fight scene:

Bob punched Bill. It hurt. Bill staggered back. He threw a punch back. Bob dodged it. He then kicked Bill in the face. Bill fell to the floor moaning.

As opposed to:

Bob's fist crashed into Bill's face, sending him staggering back. Bill gasped, eyes stinging from the pain but he ignored it and threw a punch pack. Bob dodged it, lightning fast and kicked Bill in the face. The ground rose up to meet him, slamming into him as he fell. He moaned.

Okay so its a terrible fight scene all together, but do you notice the difference? One is more a list then fight. You gotta fix up that chapter and your fighting scenes in general.

Then it threw him again,

'Then' is the bane of all storytelling.

Overall, I like what happens in the chapter, just as I did last time, I just don't like the way it was executed. It comes off so dull, as though it were a chore writing it; certainly feels that way reading it. You gotta bad ass dragon, and a psycho-killer. Good things to have in every story. You remember when I said about invincibility? And you were like, but he gets the snot beaten out of him next time! In relation to the other chapter and for future reference - even if he is invincible - we should never ever think that, or have a sense of it, because it kills any interest we have in the story. We should at least question the characters ability to survive; you have to make us care.

It's been two chapters now, full of action - supposedly - but I still have no sense of Creep as a character. Don't know what he likes and dislikes, his motivations, his goals, etc. Nada. Other then he has a Tommy gun and likes to use it, the man's a cardboard cut out. Make him real.

Cheers

Heya, Connie!

Grammar and First Impressions

Something scratched in the darkness. Creep strained his eyes, but in the dim light of the low bulbs, he couldn’t see anything at all. He assumed that it was a rat scuttling around and moved on. He didn’t have the time for this kind of vermin. The other kind was still above him.

Haha, I'm thinking you like your dry humor. It's growing on me. As long as it fits with the situation, I'm thinking we shouldn't worry too much. ^^

There was the sound of scuttling again. This time there was a deep rumble as well. This made Creep stop. He didn’t think it was a rat anymore. He drew his pistol and looked around in the gloom. Who knew what might lurk down in the sewers of a fantastical city?

Why didn't he think it was a rat anymore? From what I've read, it still could've been a rat. Was there another sound that canceled out the rat theory?

The rumbling sounded again, louder this time. Whatever was making the noise, it was getting closer. It sounded big too. Creep holstered his pistol and took the Thompson off of his back. He unhooked the empty magazine and threw it into the waters. It splashed and sank into the mire. He put his only other magazine for that gun in and cocked it. He wasn’t going to take any chances.

There's that noise. Put that earlier when Creep decided it wasn't a rat. It'll make more sense to the reader. We want to be on the same page as Creep, so tell us what he's figured out and why.

Something growled behind him. Creep spun around. On the walkway before him towered something he had not seen before. It looked like a dragon on its hind legs, nine feet tall, built like a Greco-Roman statue, all muscle. Creep sneered.

I think you could make this a lot creepier, no pun intended. Draw this out by giving more noises and Creep's feelings. Use some bigger words to describe this dragon creature as well. (And of course, I automatically think of scintillating. -_-)

“You’re a big alligator,” he said as he fired the Thompson. Its shots echoed off of the walls of the tunnels, amplified as the sounds traveled off into the darkness. The bullets themselves hit the dragon. But instead of ripping it apart, they bounced off, pinging into the water like so many useless marbles. Creep emptied the entire magazine into the dragon, yet it had no effect on it.

I'm thinking something with a little more humor like, "Bigger alligator than I expected," or, "What a big alligator," or, "Where'd you come from?" You're pretty good with your sarcasm, so this shouldn't be difficult. The statement you have is just... there. It doesn't have character, and it came out of no where. Maybe if you described the dragon with lizard or reptilian features, this line would be more effective.

The dragon unfurled a pair of wings on its back. It leaped forward and landed right in front of Creep. Before he could react, the dragon picked him up and threw him down the walkway. He sailed through the air before [s]landing[/s] hitting the side of the walkway with his back and falling into the dirty water.

Eweth.

I think we can get some more ferocious roars and struggling Creeps in there.

Creep floundered in the mire. The Thompson slipped from his grasp and was lost in the filth. <== Period! He struggled for a handhold on the side of the canal. Something grabbed him and lifted him up out of it. The dragon had taken hold of him again. It threw him across the canal. He hit the opposite side of the tunnel hard. All of his breath was knocked out of him and he tried to stagger to his feet.

Isn't the Creep injured at all? xD And aren't there anyone above surface hearing this? Maybe I have yet to find out.

Creep drew one of his pistols and fired at the dragon. At point blank range, he should have blown its brains out. But the thing’s scales seemed to be nigh impenetrable. It picked him up with its foot and tossed him down the walkway. He skidded along, loosing the gun he had been holding. Only one gun left, [semi instead] no way to fight now. He was going to have to run away.

Make that last sentence shorter and more suspenseful. He's gotta run. Something like that. And, again, build on this. Lead us into this. Truthfully, I started zoning here. Make this more interesting, more painful, more suspenseful. This is just another paragraph filled with dragon-beating-Creep moments.

Creep came to a stop, battered and bruised. He got to his feet and tried to run on down the canal edge, to get away from this fight before it got any worse. A sudden blow from behind let him know that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. He stumbled forward, his face slamming into the wet bricks. He tried to get up again, but was grabbed and forcefully pulled up in front of the dragon. It held him before it, looking him over with cold reptilian eyes. Then, it spoke.

I think you can build on his appearance. He's kind of torn up now, right? xD

Bring Creep's feelings and thoughts into this more. You're just giving us a play-by-play. As cool as movies are, readers like to get deeper into the scenes. Describe the situations some more to keep the reader interested. So far, Creep's just getting beat up. More.

He began to climb it now. One rung at a time, he ascended back to the city with pain filling him to the brim. His broken arm and shoulder protested at being used. He let out a grunt as they refused to move quite right for him. Yet still he pressed on towards the surface. Something told him that, in the darkness below, the dragon was still watching him. He did not want to tangle with it again just yet. Maybe later, after he had healed up, gotten a hold of more weapons, he would try again. But not now.

I don't remember you mentioning him breaking his arm and shoulder. I'm thinking you should mention that during the fight. That would increase suspense for the reader, especially if it's his dominant arm. (Can he shoot his gun still? That kind of thing.)

The night sky, [s]studded with stars,[/s] greeted him.

There's a repetition of stars within the paragraph, so unless you have another way of saying this, just take it out. ^^

“I-I-I,” Creep began to say, but then everything went white and he slumped to the pavement.

This sounds like stuttering, but he's losing consciousness. I suggest using ellipses. "I...I..." That way it sounds like he's losing himself. ^^

Overall Comments

Sorry I lack creativity tonight. I'm getting a little sleepy. ^^

I think this was very good as well. It was the same area you were lacking in which can be good and bad. You keep the story moving, and that's fantastic. However, you forget to mention details like a broken arm and if the cops can hear them fighting in the sewers. Build on the details a bit more. There is some important information you could include to describe the Creep's stamina and intelligence. The first chapter did excellent with this. This chapter was not as impressive in that he was just getting beat up. But then, maybe that's the result of having no ammo. He's completely vulnerable, in which case we're doing alright, lol.

I still have to say I like the Creep. You heard me in MSN, but he's different. And he's creepy. xD I can't wait to see him socialize with that chick. I wonder how awkward that will be. ^^

Questions, find me. I wish I could flesh this crit out some more, but I'm beat. ><

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Connie, dear! Hopefully my internet won't ruin this review I'm about to type up with my mad skillz.

Annoying Nit-picking First - Nag, nag, nag, That's All I do

Whatever was making the noise, it was getting closer.

Try saying it this way, "What was making the noise was getting closer". The comma seems redundant.

He unhooked the empty magazine and threw it into the waters. It splashed and sank into the mire. He put his only other magazine for that gun in and cocked it. He wasn’t going to take any chances.

These sentences were all very short and telly - it created a choppy sort of reading that didn't really contribute to the cautious suspenseful tone, really. I feel like I'm stopping every other second instead of smoothly, stealthily, preparing for trouble, which doesn't fit well with this suave character.

“You’re a big alligator,” he said as he fired the Thompson.

I like this line, if only you added to the dry witty tone. Maybe some "my my my", or something else to built onto it. Or you'll have people like Jared, who seems to not sense any wit. ^^

“Stay out.”

OMG it talks!! *bugs out*

“Hey, creep, what’s your problem?” asked a woman’s voice from behind him.

Oh-ho-ho, she totally doesn't know that's his name but she got it. I like her description of part-cat.

That Big Lizzy
The dragon is cool - dragons are almost always awesome - but I feel like it's too obvious that this was meant to show another side of Creep. I mean, I did know that beforehand - hooray, me being an insider! - but I guess it seemed too much like the dragon was there specifically waiting for him. You don't really make it seem like the sewer would be a place for the dragon - I know it's a fantasy city, but I admit I still wouldn't have been imagining something as large as a dragon. Though it is cool, like the fantasy version of a crocodile! But I imagine a normal sewer, rats and the like still - and then a dragon is placed into it. Maybe, if you described more fantastical attributes of the sewer, it would seem more normal for the dragon to be there - what other fantasy characteristics show in those dank corridors? It can't just be waste in that sewage - I imagine there's something else beside rats. Maybe if the dragon seems more natural in that sewer, it will lessen the feeling that the dragon was waiting specifically there for Creep.

And why would the dragon attack Creep? Territory, lunch meat? :p

Creep as a human being - or is he?
Well, I don't want him to blubber or confess a love to life or anything, haha! But when he's so injured and defeated, after having vanquished some supernatural people, I'd like to know what's going through his head. He has to have some feelings about being beaten up, no matter how callous he may be.

You know who I'm thinking of right now - Shadow. From American Gods. A real tough guy exterior, total bad... I don't think I can say it, but you know what. He was pretty numb to what was going on most of the time, but we still knew what he was thinking a lot of the time and even feeling without him losing that numb callous self.

But you know I totally love Creep. Crashing parties, roaming sewers, falling in girls laps, wearing bandages - so mysterious and cool.

Tell me when you post the next part!

~ Clooooo

Conrad Rice wrote:Creep slunk through the sewers. The noxious smell of human waste entered his nostrils and he grimaced in disgust. He didn’t need to go far down here, just far enough to not be close to the scene of his latest turkey shoot. He still had plans for the City, and they didn’t involve being caught.

Something scratched in the darkness. Creep strained his eyes, but in the dim light of the low bulbs he couldn’t see anything at all. He assumed that it was a rat scuttling around and moved on. He didn’t have the time for this kind of vermin. The other kind was still above him.

There was the sound of scuttling again. This time there was a deep rumble as well. This made Creep stop. He didn’t think it was a rat anymore. He drew his pistol and looked around in the gloom. Who knew what might lurk down in the sewers of a fantastical city?

This is turning out to be much worse than any of Chapter 1, reason being that it seems like you're reading a picture book to elementary school children. The sentence structure is simplistic and the word choice is even more simplistic - honestly, it sounds like an announcement made on a street corner rather than a gripping story. Here's an example:

"This made Creep stop. He didn't think it was a rat anymore."

I think I've heard this line verbatim (switching out "Creep" for another name, of course) in an illustrated book meant for pre-schoolers. Vary your language and either expand or contract your sentence style so every phrase is a little different.

“Who’s there?” he called out to the darkness. “Come on out! Or I’ll hunt you down!”

"Called" is too passive for what I'd expect to be a bellow, growl, bark, etc.

The rumbling sounded again, louder this time. Whatever was making the noise, it was getting closer. It sounded big too. Creep holstered his pistol and took the Thompson off of his back. He unhooked the empty magazine and threw it into the waters. It splashed and sank into the mire. He put his only other magazine for that gun in and cocked it. He wasn’t going to take any chances.

Once again, your poor sentences are getting in the way of what could be a decent descriptive paragraph. Observe:

"It splashed and sank into the mine". Does this really need it's own sentence? Is it that important? I'd guess not, and so it should be included [u]as an afterthought[/i] to the sentence preceding it. Otherwise, the story sounds pretentious and sounds like you are exaggerating every detail for the sake of exaggeration.

Something growled behind him. Creep spun around. On the walkway before him towered something he had not seen before. It looked like a dragon on its hind legs, nine feet tall, built like a Greco-Roman statue, all muscle. Creep sneered.

Bare, bone-dry paragraph. "Something growled", "Creep spun around" don't give any impressino of emotion; this might as well be, as I've said before, an announcement rather than a story. In some parts, your vocabulary and charged language is excellent, but in other parts, such as this one, it's almost invisible. Charge it.

“You’re a big alligator,” he said as he fired the Thompson. Its shots echoed off of the walls of the tunnels, amplified as the sounds traveled off into the darkness. The bullets themselves hit the dragon. But instead of ripping it apart, they bounced off, pinging into the water like so many useless marbles. Creep emptied the entire magazine into the dragon, yet it had no effect on it.

So...in the meantime, the dragon was just staring at him and doing nothing? That's what it seems like, given the fact that apparently the dragon didn't come closer as he was shooting it, didn't growl...nothing. Animals don't behave like this, so unless it's actually one of the policemen or some other sentient being, this is unrealistic.

The dragon unfurled a pair of wings on its back. It leaped forward and landed right in front of Creep. Before he could react, the dragon picked him up and threw him down the walkway. He sailed through the air before landing hitting the side of the walkway with his back and falling into the dirty water.

I didn't want to get so harsh while reviewing - I'm sorry, but this paragraph is so tedious and void of any exciting action that it's almost laughable. Surely there's a better way to show somebody being hurled down a hall rather than saying "The dragon picked him up and threw him down the walkway,"? There's barely any emotion present in this whole paragraph, and I suggest deleting it and starting over, making sure to show what the dragon was doing as it unfurled its wings; I'm sure it wasn't silent the whole time. Creep's emotions have to be shown as well.

Creep floundered in the mire. The Thompson slipped from his grasp and was lost in the filth He struggled for a handhold on the side of the canal. Something grabbed him and lifted him up out of it. The dragon had taken hold of him again. It threw him across the canal. He hit the opposite side of the tunnel hard. All of his breath was knocked out of him and he tried to stagger to his feet.

Not bad; in the beginning, it sounds like your previous paragraphs which have no catharthic words in them, but you bring it back to decency in the end.

The dragon wasn’t having any of this. It leapt across the canal and pinned Creep to the ground with its foot. Then it picked him up with that same foot and slammed him down, hard. Something in Creep’s chest cracked, and he knew he had just broken a rib, maybe two. The pain screamed at him and he yelled in the darkness.

The last part of this paragraph is disconcerting because you've merged two actions again, making it appear that his screaming is an inconsequential side note. I would break that sentence into two, or at least emphasize the yelling. "The pain screamed at him; red flashing before his eyes, Creep yelled in wild agony as he clutched his stomach". Something like that.

Creep drew one of his pistols and fired at the dragon. At point blank range, he should have blown its brains out. But the thing’s scales seemed to be nigh impenetrable. It picked him up with its foot and tossed him down the walkway. He skidded along, loosing the gun he had been holding. Only one gun left, no way to fight now. He was going to have to run away.

Creep came to a stop, battered and bruised. He got to his feet and tried to run on down the canal edge, to get away from this fight before it got any worse. A sudden blow from behind let him know that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. He stumbled forward, his face slamming into the wet bricks. He tried to get up again, but was grabbed and forcefully pulled up in front of the dragon. It held him before it, looking him over with cold reptilian eyes. Then, it spoke.

You switch between action and history almost erratically, especially in sections like "At point blank..." and going on from there. Either keep a paragraph entirely background and reflection, or keep it purely action. If you must include the two in the same paragraph, don't do it like a see-saw. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth...

“Stay out.”

It's not yelling? I'd prefer it if it blared "Stay out!" and him like a demon, instead of just saying it flatly. But it's your artistic call in the end.

Then it threw him again, farther this time. Creep sailed through the darkness, his arms and legs flailing out limply. He hit the far side of the canal again, slamming into it hard. Several things lit up with pain; his chest, his shoulder, and his arm all screamed at the force of the impact. His head seemed to be pounding, as though someone had unleashed a full percussion orchestra into his skull. He struggled to his feet and almost fell again. He leaned on the side of the tunnel for support.

Never use "then" to start off anything in a good story. The rest of this paragraph is good, especially the imagery which I'm assuming to be slightly satirical.

The dragon appeared to be leaving him alone for the moment. Creep knew that he needed to get out of here before it changed its mind about that. He began to move forward, teetering along, trying to find an exit from this place.

How do you know the dragon was leaving him alone? Did its growls become fainter and fainter, perhaps? Did it suddenly disappear, leaving only a gust of wind in its wake?

He stumbled along through the darkness, the pain in his body growing worse with each passing second. Yet he did not see any ladders, any way out of this dark, dank grotto except back the way he had come, where he had entered this place at. And he had no interest in backtracking. Even if he could make it past that dragon, then the cops would be able to bring him down easily.

Finally, a few yards down the tunnel, he saw what he had been searching for. A rusty ladder leading up to the city above, out of this hellhole. He hurried towards it. Every step was like a spear driven into his side, every bounce was a hammer on his head. He reached out and grabbed the ladder, clinging to it with desperation.

Your imagery is weak. "Hammer on his head" does not convey the pain that I'm imagining he must be feeling. A description like "Hammer tapping incessantly against his skull" would work much better.

He began to climb it now. One rung at a time, he ascended back to the city with pain filling him to the brim. His broken arm and shoulder protested at being used. He let out a grunt as they refused to move quite right for him. Yet still he pressed on towards the surface. Something told him that, in the darkness below, the dragon was still watching him. He did not want to tangle with it again just yet. Maybe later, after he had healed up, gotten a hold of more weapons, he would try again. But not now.

Not bad, but I'm confused as to why he would want to face this behemoth, as he clearly wasn't expecting it the first time and so should have no interest in it.

He reached the manhole cover. Balancing himself on the ladder with his legs, he pushed up on it with his good arm. It was hard to do, and stars began to swim in front of Creep’s eyes. But he gave it one final shove and it popped open. The night sky, studded with stars, greeted him. Creep hauled himself out of the sewers and into an alleyway.

He staggered to his feet. Now his head was really hurting. The stars in his vision had become great big globs of light. He was going to pass out in a few minutes, he was almost certain of it. So he stumbled forward, trying to get some kind of help. He wasn’t making much progress though. His skull was pounding like a jackhammer and he wasn’t going much of anywhere soon.

Now you're using too much imagery to describe the same thing. "His skull was pounding like a jackhammer" has already been done above and sounds repetitive.

“Hey, creep, what’s your problem?” asked a woman’s voice from behind him. The words were like nails in Creep’s head in his current condition. He turned around, struggling to stay on his feet. He saw a beautiful woman standing there. Or at least, he thought she might be beautiful. In his injured and addled state, she appeared to be part cat and that was throwing him off.

Again, there's too much "head" imagery. You've used it twice so far, and now a third time.

She was throwing him off? As in picking him up and throwing him around, or fooling him? Be clear on that because it is confusing right now.

“I-I-I,” Creep began to say, but then everything went white and he slumped to the pavement.

Boring. "Began to say". Why not stammer, mumble, etc? "Everything went white". There has to be a better way to describe unconsciousness other than simply tell us about what color it was. Was there a smack against his skull and he fell into white oblivion? Did his energy sap away from his body like drying water and he stumbled for a moment before collapsing, white stars filling up his vision before he went under? See, this is how to capture an audience until the very end. Right now, the ending to this chapter is the weakest part of the chapter.

In general, I disliked this section. It was filled with pointless action (several paragraphs on some random dragon who attacked Creep), not enough story, and ended abruptly. This is a bad combination. Look through this chapter again, stretch or contract your sentences to make them diverse, re-think your analogies, and make it something that the reader will actually want to read instead of saying "Oh, just a long fight sequence".

I do want to read on to the next chapter whenever you get that done, but that's only because your first chapter was interesting and rather gripping, making me wonder what would come next. I found little of value in this section.

Conrad -

Once again, I am here in the wreckage of what five very experienced individuals have left smoking ^_^.

I like what's been written. And I think it was written well, too. This chapter reminded me a lot of the part in Hellboy where Hellboy and the cops are in the sewer system. I'm beginning to get the feel for this story already.

[in the beginning]

I don't know who said it, but the first three paragraphs were pretty weak. I think it's the fact that you start things off -- BANG! -- Action! There's no time for a breath after chapter one. Here's Creep and here's the sewer and buckle your seat belts, kids, this is gonna be a wild ride! I think that this story could really benefit from a little less action and a little more lag time at this point. Consider introducing us to another character. Consider slipping in a flashback. Consider doing anything, something, to take the camera off of Creep after such a slambang beginning. This will not only even out your pace, but give this story some much needed sophistication as well. At the moment, it feels like you've dropped us all into the middle of an action flick. It's brutal, bruising, and I have no idea what's going on.

[and all goes black]

One last thing, change what Creep says in the closing line. I don't like it. Maybe have him say something more witty, rather than something weak and boring.

Overall, this was a fun chapter, but like Galerius said, it seems a little like a load of pointless action filler. Like I said, I would think about inserting some kind of buffer scene between this one and the opening chapter, just to spread the love.

-Kylan