I was just thinking, and this thought came to me. I don't know if I'll do anythign with it. Critiques are hugely appreciated!!
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“Mr. and Mrs. Hampton, I need to talk to you in the other room. Can you just follow me over here?” I heard muffled sobs and a faint constant rustle sound.
I heard this, but I didn’t exist. I had my eyes as wide open as possible but saw nothing. I was sitting down, but I didn't feel anything under me. I reached up to touch my face, but my hand didn’t feel anything there, nor did my face. I screamed, but my mouth wasn’t open, my vocal cords weren’t there, my throat didn't feel scratchy after. I didn’t exist. I wasn't scared, though. I'd gotten used to it by now.
I heard a heavy sigh, probably a male. “The surgery didn’t go quite as planned. You see, there were a few complications.” The sobs got heavier, just as the rustling noise became almost frantic. “She knew the risks going into the surgery, and we did warn her of those risks, however it was still a necessary procedure."
A thick course voice from the other side of the room answered, “Is she alive?” The voice broke on almost every word.
There was a long uncomfortable silence from both of the male voices. The sobbing grew louder, gasping for air which it seemed the person couldn’t seem to get enough of before letting out another cry.
The calm voice answered, “I am very sorry for your loss…”
The sounds faded away.
“Are you the daughter of a Ms. Randolph?” I heard another strangely calm voice say.
“Yes. Is my mom ok?” He was frantic, too young.
“Can I, um, talk to you in the other room, please?” I sensed more distress than the first calm voice. This one sounded younger. This was probably their first expirience.
Footsteps on linoleum. Then dead silence.
“The procedure did take longer than expected, and a few unexpected complications came up…”
The sounds faded away again.
I was annoyed that I couldn't do anything or see anything. Day after day hearing people hear about their dying loved ones was not an ideal way to spend time.
I had the faint feeling of being pushed forward, but I don’t know how I could tell. I didn’t feel any air resistance and didn’t feel anything pass me by. I started to pick up speed. I picked up voices here and there, some under such emotional pain it can’t even be described, while others laughed away a lunch break. It was a cold irony.
I was suddenly stopped. Maybe I was finally out of the hospital. Maybe I was away from all the tear stained faces and painfully calm voices. I strained to hear or see anything, to figure out where I could possibly be. I tried to make a sound. I heard a faint whoosh of air.
Was that really me? I tried again, but the whoosh was even wispier. Then I didn’t move at all. Everything felt tired. If nothing could feel tired.
I would try one more time. If it works, then I might still have a chance. Maybe I actually do exist.
I tried to scream in frustration. I just wanted out of this abyss. I wanted to feel again. I wanted to smell, jump, sing, laugh, dance, and cry. I wanted to exist. I wanted a sense of time, of love, of anything. I wanted to have pain and joy. I wanted to know my family, feel patriotic, celebrate my birthday. Celebrate anything. I wanted to be me. Whoever that was. I wanted a second chance. So I screamed and screamed until finally I heard, way off in the distance, a tiny little squeak. I barely heard it; it could have been anything, but it wasn’t. It was mine.
I pushed harder. I needed a noise. I kept screaming, and that noise started to get stronger. Sure, it wavered and trembled, and sure it still sounded like a mouse could whisper, and it would be lost, but that didn’t matter. What did matter was that it was mine. It was my noise, and I wasn’t going to let it go without a fight.
Abruptly, my noise stopped. It was lost. I felt a weight on me like I hadn’t for as long as I could remember. This feeling felt familiar, but I couldn’t place it; the name was just out of the reach of my memory. I focused all my thoughts on thinking of the name of this one feeling. I don’t know how long it was until I remembered it, but finally it came to me. Disappointment.
One set of hands began to clap, and I jumped, figuratively, in surprise.
“Decent for your first try, but you can do better,” the voice said. I didn’t try to answer because I didn’t know if I was capable, and I didn’t want to interrupt. I was fairly positive the voice was speaking directly to me, however. No one had for the longest time. “You conquered your first feeling on your own. That one is the most challenging for most people, especially at such a young age. I’d almost thought you’d be stuck in that hospital forever, eavesdropping on people getting bad news.” I heard a tisk sound. After a few minutes, the voice continued, “What, so you’re not going to answer me?”
I was surprised by this again. That reaction felt new and raw, and I wasn’t sure if I liked it or not. I knew I didn’t like disappointment.
“Am I supposed to?” I said without meaning to. I’d thought it, and it just came out. There surprise was again, almost making fun of my ignorance and confusion. Maybe I didn’t like surprise.
“Well, a one sided conversation isn’t really that interesting, don’t you agree?”
“I don’t know.”
“Of course you don’t. I’m sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself. I should tell you what I’m doing here. I’ve come to you because you want a second chance. You died, and not very graciously, I might add, you moped around that hospital for years, haunting people you didn’t even know. Frankly, I never thought you would decide.”
“Decide what? And I didn’t mean to haunt people. I didn’t know I was…”
“I know you didn’t. You just didn’t want to let go. And now that you’ve finally decided whether you want a second chance or not, you can just get on with it. You do seem to want another chance, so that’s what I’m here for.”
“Another chance at what?” Confusion wasn’t my favorite emotion, either. I started to hope these got better. So far, I wasn’t sure that I liked my decision.
“Life, of course. Now open you’re eyes, and we’ll get going.”
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