Two Entries for Cal's Contest

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 15698
Reviews 369
006. Maverick

Gillie sailed through the ancient structures on her little boat. It hung together by wire, rope, and faith; a derelict amidst ruins. Yet it sailed true and never lead her wrong, no scavenger could ask for any better from their boat. She’d weathered many a summer squall, plundered many an untouched wreck, and fended off many a Siren attack from it. She could not live without it; it had become her heart, in a sense.

This was dangerous territory that Gillie had chosen to sail herself into. Far from the sheltered reaches of the Central Affiliation, these were Siren waters. Gillie had no doubt that she would meet one before the trip was done. But she was here nonetheless. There was no choice in the matter. A person needed some kind of collateral to survive in the world. Honest wages weren’t enough for that though. Gillie had heard talk of this place, one of the last outposts of the old age that the Central Affiliation had not set aside as sacred, mostly because they had not found it yet.

Almost everything here in this broken place was worth a tidy sum. The metal plates that covered the wrecked hulks still moored in place would fetch a fair price on the common market. The wiring and electronics in some of the dipolar computers would be desired by some very upstanding technicians. And a single thermonuclear slug launcher, plus a few cases of ammunition, could be fought over for a while. Gillie would be very happy with whatever she happened to lay her hands on.

The wind was quiet today. Gillie had to pole her boat around, maneuvering it through the broken battleships like a carrion beetle digging under a corpse. The war that had caused this had happened a very long time ago. The Central Affiliation’s best guess was 200 years before its founding. Some of the wiser ones figured it was much older than that. In either case, the affects of that war had bled away in most places. This area was supposed to be in a Clean Zone, yet Gillie kept a sharp eye on the radiation counter strapped to her mast. Letting that horrible last weapon of forgotten ancestors rot her to pieces was not how she wanted to go.

A patch of water moved contrary to the rest. It did not escape Gillie’s eye. It could be anything; water dragons were not uncommon out in these remote areas. It could even be a mutie shark, wandering around engraved in pain. And, even if it was a Siren, that didn’t mean anything. Sometimes the creatures would pass on by a seafarer without harming them. Nevertheless, Gillie put a hand to the eight-shot revolver that she kept in her belt.

Long moments passed in the graveyard of leviathans. The patch of water moved in long circles, ignoring the boat altogether for a time. Then, without warning, it submerged. Now Gillie drew the revolver and cocked the hammer. She poled with one hand now, trying to keep moving and get away from whatever that had been.

She glanced over her shoulder, then stopped and looked again. There, not more than two hundred yards away, was the wreck of a munitions ship. Gillie drew in a slow breath, it had been a while since even the Affiliation’s monks had seen something like this. Crossing her fingers, she leaned over and increased the range on her radiation counter. At four hundred yards, well over the ship’s distance from her, it still read clean.

Gillie’s mind raced with possibilities as she looked at her new find. An unbreached, clean munitions ship. Forget metal plates, forget electronics, forget even the launcher. What was entombed within that rusted hulk was worth more than all of those by a long shot. Arc rifles, Spiral war drones, Redeemer lasers, perhaps even a GOD bomb. Gillie shook with excitement. Even just the information about this place, and a set of coordinates, would be worth an insane amount of money. It might even earn her a place as some warlord’s favorite. Gillie liked the thought of that. She would chose silk sheets, delicious food, and warm arms over this beaten existence any day.

Something hit the boat and jarred Gillie out of her daydream. A high pitched sound pierced her eardrums like a spear, and she dropped to the deck in pain. Only one thing made that sound, a Siren. The boat was spun around from the force of the creature’s attack. Gillie nearly lost the revolver in the confusion.

The creature lunged. Gillie shot wildly at it, trying to bury a bullet in its flesh. But it was a wild one, moving fast enough to evade her shots. Its jump missed though, and it plunged back into the water. Gillie took the time to reload her weapon, jamming fresh cartridges in as fast as she could.

There was another high pitched squeal to signal the Siren’s attack. Gillie’s head ringed in its aftermath. She barely had time to register the being’s approach, lunging out of the water with outstretched arms and bulging eyes, like a demon from some aquatic hell, ready to do away with her. There was no hesitation on Gillie’s part; she filled the air between the two of them with bullets. The Siren’s head was split down the middle, black blood spewed from it. It fell on the deck, threatening to capsize the boat. Gillie kicked at it, but it did not move.

A large breath escaped Gillie’s lungs. She sat down a moment, regained her strength amidst the rusting hulks. Then she looked over at her prize so newly won. The munitions ship sat at its dock like a rotten log, yet to her it was the most beautiful thing in the world. She holstered her gun, got on her feet, and began to pole her way towards it again, the possibilities still swimming in her mind.

048. Dip

“Let me take a little dip,” Melinda said.

“No,” Dan said. He looked across the galley at her, a gun in his hands, a forced attitude of coldness permeating his being.

“It’s just fine out there,” Melinda said. “Let me go out. I need to wash off. I’m so dry. Please let me.”

Dan didn’t even bother responding to this. It only solidified in his mind that Melinda had either gone off the deep end, or worse, had told the truth about everything else. It was impossible to wash off in salt water, anybody knew that. Something was definitely wrong now. He tightened his grip on his gun and swallowed down the lump that kept forming in his throat.

“Dan, please. You’re being unreasonable.”

Oh, he was, was he? What about Nate? What about Sam? Had she been reasonable with them? Here one day, gone the next. Only where could they go, with miles of water all around them? She had done something with them, she had to have. There was no other explanation. There was no other sane alternative.

“Calm down, Dan,” Melinda said as she held her hands out to plead with him. He wasn’t going to have any of it.

“That’s a little hard to do now,” Dan said.

“Dan, I’ll forgive you for Nate and Sam,” Melinda said. “You just need some help. And I need to get a little wet.”

So she was going to put the blame for their disappearance on him? Typical, expected. He would be the likely suspect. He owned the gun and he was strong enough to put such a insane plan into action. In fact, he even had the motive. Things between Nate and him had not been so great, and it wasn’t any secret that he wanted Sam.

“I didn’t do it,” Dan said, sure of himself.

“Yes, you did,” Melinda said. “Look at me. How could I have done it?”

She had, he knew that she had. It would have been simple to put Nate at ease. His standing with Sam was on the rocks, and he would have welcomed someone to replace her place in his bed. Sam would have been brought down with similar means. She had always swung both ways, and didn’t like Dan enough to go with him on that sort of thing. Oh yes, she had done it. Changed them and dumped them over the side. Well, she wasn’t about to get him. He would ensure that.

Dan saw Melinda mouthing something. For all he knew, it could be prayers to some elder thing, perhaps the one which had birthed her. He pulled the hammer of the gun back. The rocking of the boat threatened to throw off his aim, but he kept his hand steady. She wasn't getting away from him that easy.

“Don’t even think about it,” he said. He wasn’t about to die out here in the middle of nowhere at the hands of something less than human. “I’ve seen what you look like in the water each night. I don’t aim to let you get like that and tear me apart. I’m not that dumb.”

“You’re insane, that’s what you are,” Melinda said. Her voice shook with anger, not fear, he was sure of that. He was sure of so much right now. He’d never been this confident about anything before. It felt good. It rushed through his body like lightning, arcing from nerve to nerve like a storm.

“I imagine I will be by the time this is all over,” Dan said. “I mean, that’s what happens in stuff like this.”

“It’s already happened,” Melinda said. “You’re being unreasonable and pointing a gun at me. That sure seems like insanity to me.”

“Of course,” Dan said, smirking a little. “To your kind, what you did isn’t crazy. It’s normal for you, you sick water kitty.”

“You’re not making any sense,” Melinda said. “Please, Dan, put the gun down. Stop this insanity right now.”

“Whose insanity is it?”
Last edited by Conrad Rice on Wed Nov 12, 2008 7:16 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Garrus Vakarian is my homeboy.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 27175
Reviews 387
Conrad -

PART I

Alright. I enjoyed this one quite a lot. It was smooth and rhythmical and lean and it had a science fiction vibe to it as well. Something that I think will do very well in Cal's arena. You're action scenes are intense and very edge-of-your seat. Very Crichton-esque.

[i'm suing for whiplash]

However, I feel that I need to address a flaw in the action passages: your transistions. It's hard. It's really difficult to go from peace and quiet and meandering backstory to rising action and then - BAM! - wild Siren jumping out of the water. You tried to set things up, I'll give you that. I noticed that you did your best to make the eerie music in the background crescendo, but it didn't cut it. You need to make things flow a little more.

Transitions are the thriller writer's worst enemy and greatest ally. Also, for me, it's something innate and instinctive. And for that reason I can't give you any particular tips but to stretch the tension out, stretch it like taffy, so that the audience is already on the edge, even before you unveil the monster. The key is all in what leads up to the climax, as I'm sure you already know.

[miscellaneous]

and fended off many a Siren attack from it


"Many a" is so archaic sounding. I would consider cutting it out as it weighs this sentence down.

even a god bomb


No. Just no. A God Bomb? Are you serious? You can do much, much better than that.

an insane amount of money


Again, you can do better than this. "Insane" is very colloquial and very teenage. Change it.

PART II

She holstered her gun, got on her feet, and began to pole her way towards it again, the possibilities still swimming in her mind.


“Let me take a little dip,” Melinda said.


Um. Is there supposed to be a separating mark of some kind between these two paragraphs? I assume you're beginning a new story...

[crazy talk]

I didn't like part two for a couple of reasons. 1.) I had not even an inkling of a clue as to what was going on. 2.) You're dialogue was weak. It was lackluster and boring and you repeated yourself a lot, which may have been a stylistic choice. But it was a wrong one. This piece is more or less solid dialogue (or at least that's what it pivots on) and I feel that you could have had a lot more fun with this. These people are crazy. Crazy people are the best characters to screw around with.

Advice: The only strong dialogue I've seen from you was in The Deep [part 1]. It has not reappeared since. Listen to how people talk around you. Listen to their tics and their habits. Walk around with a journal and write down lines of dialogue that you hear on the streets. When your characters talk, they are bearing their souls on paper. Make them them colorful and three dimensional souls.

-Kylan
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1330
Reviews 900
Hi Conrad!

I’m really glad you contacted me about this! Elsewise I’d have never known it was here. ^^

Now, in contrast to Kylan, I actually prefer the second to the first. I loved the movement of it, the simplicity and the way you didn’t tell us anything, but I still knew what was going on. Obviously, if others are having a problem with it, there’s an issue of clarity that needs to be addressed.
I’d have liked to see more description in this one, in particular. You did fine in Maverick, I could see the ship and the water and all, so that was nice. But in this one, I can’t see where they are, I assume on a ship, but then I feel almost that it’s on the beach. So, some more description here, if you please.

The “sea kitty” was cute, but invited some confusion. I’m not overly up on my mythical – or natural – creatures, sea or otherwise, but there’s nothing in my mind that’s a sea kitty. Except a lion fish, you know? The Siren I knew, and I appreciated that to the woman it was a horrific screeching, instead of the songs they sing to men. So perhaps... something a little more explanatory there? Although it’s not completely necessary if you intended the vagueness.

Kylan covered the other little things in the text, those I agree with. I have to say that I agree about the dialogue and flow in particular. In your first flash piece, I didn’t feel the suspense as well as I might have, but Kylan explains that terribly well. He does with the dialogue as well. While I like the repetition, there is something a little stilted in it that irked me slightly.

I felt, most of all; the actions only slightly suited the language. I wanted to see the movement of the gun, her face while he points it at her, how they both move. Body language is a big part in understanding emotion and intention.

I did enjoy both of the shorts, though, and I think you’ve done well with both of them. So don’t be discouraged in the least. ^^

*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I like you as an enemy, but I love you as a friend.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6517
Reviews 402
Hey Conrad! I'm glad you contacted me - I love reading/reviewing your work.

Maverick

The characterization in the first story is fun. Gillie is very endearing, and her connection with her boat as well. I'm beginning to wonder if all these stories are set in the same world - either way, there seems to be an obvious connection. I'm uber curious now, and am not sure what the contest is about.

Almost everything here in this broken place was worth a tidy sum.

I'm a little confused about the location. She's going somewhere, and you're describing this place, but I still don't directly know what it is. I thought it was an island, now I sort of feel that it is a boat.

I wish there was more description to the Siren. It's somewhat mysterious as it is... Gillie is out at sea, she is attacked, she wants treasure. I feel like at least I should have a concept of what the creature looks like. I did like this story. At the end though, I felt more of a sense of dissatisfaction though, pertaining to where it went and the appearance of the Siren. I felt like I needed more at the end.

On the other hand, unlike Kylan, I saw no issues with transitions. I never felt like there was any uneven hopping forward.

Dip

This is certainly an interesting story to delve into. Reading it, I'm faced with the options that Dan is paranoid, that Melinda is deceitful, that she is innocent and suspicious or... something else is going on. The set up is very interesting, anyway. The setup alone makes it better than the first part, in my mind.

"Sick water kitty"... this could either be a nickname for what she actually is, or what she is. I'm slightly confused on this anyway, and it seems an awkward title. Water kitty? Anyway, very, very vague, though this is not entirely a negative comment...

I liked the second story better, but the dialogue seems extremely artificial. It's something about the word choice and structure which makes it exceedingly obvious that we have two characters in roles, rather than two individuals we can relate to, sense, understand. And the ending left me a little disappointed again. You only restated what we can obviously tell. Someone is insane... that can be insinuated from the dialogue. So again, I'm a left a little unsatisfied...

The two are both written well and I did enjoy them. They're not my favorites that I read from you, though. You need to clarify, pick out the dialogue and pump it up, and fill out the stories a little more.

PM me about anything! You have the most interesting stories...

~ Clo
How am I not myself?




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 7740
Reviews 713
Conrad Rice,

You have me spellbound, my friend! I’m in awe at these two stories. They are both gripping with suspense and action, and I loved every second of it. I’m glad that you posted the link to this in my thread; it was well worth the read.

The only story I have a problem on is the first one, Maverick. It had a very, very slow beginning. I couldn’t get into it like I could with Dip. In Dip, we were immediately pulled into the action (which you pulled off very nicely) and I could get into it much quicker than Maverick. I would try and trim Maverick down in the beginning just a tad, because the story is worth it. I loved the whole ‘sea monster’ thing. It was very clever, and I commend you for that!

My comments are in the line-by-line critique below. I hope they are a little bit of help. I couldn’t find much, grammar wise, but I commented on a few other things. I hope you find it a little helpful.
Continue to post in my thread!
-Jared
Attachments
Conrad.doc
(31 KiB) Downloaded 56 times
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.



The continuation of our world depends more on the survival of the kindest than it does on the survival of the fittest.
— Arcticus