Casting Shadows Prologue [Edited.]

I haven't written romance before but I was inspired into writing this by the CIA's first contest. Comments and advice are greatly appreciated.

Casting Shadows

The air was torrid; it settled about the blossom tree in a menacing beam of concentrated heat. The dry branches were shaken, softly, by a failing breeze. A confetti snowstorm swirled down, landing upon Briar, the soft, pink flakes settling on her denim clad legs; crumpled, pink top; arms; feet; face. They swept around a discarded pair of riding boots and were ensnared in chestnut, spider-web curls. A moment later, they were brushed away by a slender, roaming hand as Briar awoke. She yawned and stretched, her oval face tilted towards the sun which spilled generously across her features: large, hazel eyes; soft, sensual lips; rosy cheeks; a mushroom nose. She waited upon the grassy mound, shaking despite the heat. Already a small mound of broken twigs had been victim to her fury. He has not come.

The heat was uncomfortable and the tree offered little shade but just beyond the mound was a grove of orange trees and a pathetic, little stream ran alongside them. Briar faced the other way. Beneath her legs, the grass was dry and prickly, but she was persistent, and the breeze came again, with sweet relief. What if he came and found me sleeping? Briar's anger abated for a moment as she considered this, squinting sourly into the distance. But her gaze fell upon the small farmhouse and she clawed up handfuls of grass. Or maybe he's there, in her bed.

Briar shifted, straining her neck when she saw a man on horseback approaching the mound. He dismounted wearily, his shoulders hunched and his eyes darting side to side. He tied his horse beside hers, to the single fence post that showed signs of having recently been moved: the ground freshly disturbed and the white paint-work carelessly chipped. The man's eyes settled; they had found what they sought. He began to climb the mound with ease, his riding boots flattening the grass into a crooked path. Briar stood, her arms held out to greet him, but the embrace was awkward.

The man withdrew and walked the distance to the tree, shuffling through the blossom petals and pausing at the broken twigs. A wry smile tugged at the corners of his lips.
“How long-” Briar started angrily but calmed her voice. “How long, Eric? How long must I wait for you?”
“I'm barely even late,” Eric stated gruffly, his voice scraping against the tension in the air.
“Don't pretend to misunderstand!” Briar approached his unyielding back, her arms held out. “How long-” she wrapped her arms about his torso, feeling the sweat entwined with his white shirt. “-must I wait-” Briar placed her head on his shoulder, her chin fitting smoothly into the nook. “-for us?” And then, she kissed the face as it turned towards her. The face with slate features and a prickly beard but with such a kissable mouth, cracked and dry from the sun's abuse. Briar kissed him harder, eager to revitalise that door-way to their love but Eric broke away. His body trembled and he ran a nervous tongue across those same lips as if to wipe away the touch of her mouth on his. Her lavender perfume lingered on his shirt and his sweat on hers.

“I can't. Not now." Eric spoke harshly, his voice sounding cutting even at its quietest tone. His tired, grey eyes looked at the ground, fixed on that pile of broken twigs. Briar's emotions flared and she clenched her fists, raised one brow.
"Oh? Should I remind you who made the first move?" Eric didn't reply but slowly he raised his eyes from the ground. They were tired; hurt.
"Should I remind you-"
"There's no need," Eric cut in, almost softly. "But it's gone too far. And I have to think of Sophie now."
“But she's not here!” Briar shrieked, her voice reaching an intolerable screech.
“She's here,” Eric said, pointing at his head and then flattening the hand against it, groping through his soft, blonde hair as if to reach the woman ensnared in his thoughts.
“You can't let her come between us,” Briar pleaded, taking his hand away and holding it between both of hers.
“Neither can I forget.” Briar's eyes filled with tears as she clung to him, tugged at him, grabbing hold of his shirt and pulling him close. Calmly, Eric took hold of her wrists and held them tight until the skin went red and she released him with a little whimper. He let her go and walked heavily to the fence post. Briar rubbed her wrists and watched him leave.
“She will always be a shadow in our lives," she whispered bitterly.

She yawned and stretched, her oval face tilted towards the sun who spilled generously across her features

I don't like the word use of 'who'. I would use something like 'that'. Sounds better.

“How long-” Rose started angrily but calmed her voice.

Who's Rose? Did you change the MC's name from Rose to what it is now or something?

And then, she kissed the face turned up to her.

Technically, the face would be turned DOWN to her, since he's taller. If he's shorter, than no offense, but that's weird

And that's it. I liked this, however short and how little I was given. I'm curious to see who the other woman is, and why Eric can't just dump her.

Waiting for more. Keep writing.

KJ

I think this is pretty good for your first time writing romance. i like your details. i think you should really continue because you have a very good plot here.

A girl wanting to be with a guy who is with somelse.

i think you could explain the girl and boy's relationship. Are they friends right now? crushes? hopefully?

Thanks for the comments you two and Rose was a slip up. Lol. I had the name Rose stuck in my head while writing this because I was thinking Briar Rose from sleeping beauty. I have a little obsession with fairy-tales.

Hello! Stella here!

I don't think I've ever reviewed anything of yours before. This'll be fun

Okay...

I.NITPICKS

were ensnared in chestnut, spider-web curls.

This is going to annoy me because it's a phrase I'll want to use for the rest of my life. It's so pretty.

the sun who spilled generously across her features:

Actually, I'm all for the personification of the sun, but I think "the sun, who spilled its light generously" or something of the sort. The sun itself doesn't spill, but sunlight does, if that makes sense.

Beneath her legs, the grass was dry and prickly

I'm having trouble with the weather here. The heat, fine. The wind, fine. But you just decribed drops of dew, and yet the grass is dry...

Mesa is confused.

single fence post that showed sign of having recently been moved: the ground freshly disturbed and the white paint-work carelessly chipped.

Why would you move a fence post?

“-must I wait-” Briar placed her head on his shoulder, her chin fitting smoothly into the nook. “-for us.”

Shouldn't that be a question mark at the end?

“Then she will always be a shadow in your life.”

The ending seems a little contrived.

Right so.

II. CHARACTERS

We know very little about Briar save what she looks like. Neither do we know much about Eric. I know this is only a beginning, but you can never start too soon with your development. It doesn't have to be too deep, but I didn't get much of a picture of Briar save that she's rather determined.

III. PLOT

You've set yourself up well here for something good. The Sophie thing sounds intriguing, and I want to hear more. But the truth is, very little happens here! Also, why the cherry blossom? Why do they meet there? It just seems a little weird. Though it's a cool meeting place. Did they agree to meet there? Why? Eric seems reluctant to be with Briar, so why would he agree? Or is it by chance? And why the tree?

Yes, I'm curious about the tree, you may have noticed

IV. IMAGERY

No complaints, just wanted to say that it was very beautiful.

V. OVERALL

I really enjoyed it. Your descriptions are wonderful and I'm intrigued. Would you mind PMing me when you put the next part up?

-Stella x

Here's your critique for entering CIA's grammar contest. Jabbs will give you one shortly.

So, I'm a lazy-bum, okay? I'm too lazy to do nit-picks here. So open up that attachment and read them all. XD So overall comments are here, nit-picks within.

And use spell check next time, Heather. XD 'specially 'cause of the nature of this contest.

Oh, and I looooove your characters' names. Not many people choose good names, but you nailed it.

*Rambles and rambles*

Blah. I want 50 points but I have a lot of nit-picks and don't want to quote!

*Whines*

Eh, that'll be enough. XD

Overall Comments

I actually really enjoyed this, Heather. You certainly know how to take your own advice about description. XD

My main complaint is the shortness. We weren't given that much time to see how they interacted with each other, which bothered me. You gave us the basic facts, and that's it. Let us see their history together through their actions and words.

I hate this – I can't find anything wrong! XD

It's a very sweet piece, but work on setting up for that last line, the history, and spell-check.

PM me for anything, or hunt me down on MSN. XD

~JFW1415

Heather!

For your entering the contest, here is your bonus critique!

I did all the critting in the Word Document. I apologize for any difficulties, and PM me if there are any issues.

I rather enjoyed this! It was short and cute. I wish it was longer, but it was very enjoyable as it was. You'll hear some complaints about that within. (Sorry!) I would like to see you at least put some meat on these bones for a short story.

JFW pointed this out before me, but the grammar/spell check has proved its purpose now, nay? You obviously pointed this out yourself (as well as the previous critters), so I won't go on about this. My goal is not to make you hate me.

Very lovely piece!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Thank you for the comments. I've edited it a little and this is no longer going to be flash fic. I've had an idea for a plot so I'm expanding it into a short novella. Chapters will probably be slow in coming and I may not see it through to the end but I think I'll have fun with this.

Thanks for the advice so far, everyone. And I'd be very grateful to anyone else who feels like critiquing it.

Jabber: I usually prefer a story with more action which is why I haven't tried writing romance before but I felt like trying something new so yes, it is my first piece but I'm glad you're treating me like an experienced writer. I need all the criticism I can get.

'Kay, I just have a few nitpicks about the edit, other than that, I really enjoyed it and don't have much to expand on.

He has not come.

She sounds like she's reading the Old Testament. Do people say "He has not come" in their heads? Sorry. But perhaps "He isn't coming" or something a little more... well, modern, would sound better.

Oh, that was actually the only one . Well done. Apart from that, well, I'm certainly looking forward to the rest.

Sorry that I couldn't say more.

-Stella x

My goodness, what a powerful ending! I loved it. Absolutely fell in love with it!

Beautifully done!

A confetti snowstorm swirled down to fall upon Briar, the soft, pink flakes settling on her denim clad legs; crumpled, pink top; arms; feet; face.

Okay, I’m not sure you need to use semicolons when describing her clothing or her limbs. Commas would work just fine. Same with this other sentence:

She yawned and stretched, her oval face tilted towards the sun who spilled generously across her features: large, hazel eyes; soft, sensual lips; rosy cheeks; a mushroom nose.

Commas would work just fine

The heat was uncomfortable and what shade the tree could offer from her ferocity was certainly less than could be found in the nearby grove of orange trees but still Briar waited.

“from her ferocity”?? I’m not sure “her” is used right. Try: “the” or something like that.

Other than that, this was simply superb. Wonderfully done. I did notice your use of dashes that was slightly confusing. You might want to put two dashes instead of one at each place, just to break it up more.

But otherwise, great job!

I'm back, as promised. xD

Nit-Picks

The dry branches were shaken, softly,

I'd ditch those two commas – they slow us down too much.

crumpled,

I'd ditch that comma for the same reason.

A moment later, they were brushed away by a slender, roaming hand as Briar awoke.

The repetition is beginning to bother me. 'Soft, pink.' 'Crumpled, pink.' 'Chestnut, spider-web.' 'Slender, roaming.' See what I mean? Sure, you love description, and you can keep it, but don't make them all the same. Give three to one, one to another, none to some. Ditch commas for some – make them sound different. If you read this out loud, it feels very structured.

She yawned and stretched, her oval face tilted towards the sun

I actually think you need a comma here.

He has not come.

Two things bother me about this paragraph: One, what is the pink confetti FROM?; and two, it's a bit too much description. Take some out and show it later on – as this is the first paragraph, you need to hook us. The descriptions are lovely, but you shouldn't clump them all in the first paragraph. I suggest showing her waking up, brushing away the confetti (but not describing her too much yet), and then letting her sit up, resting her weight on her hands, and accidentally putting her hand on the pile of twigs, then showing that he hasn't come. You still get the descriptions, a little action, the thought, and you can slip in more description later on. xD

The heat was uncomfortable

I think a comma should go here.

and the tree offered little shade

And another.

but just beyond the mound was a grove of orange trees and a pathetic, little stream ran alongside them.

What's the point of that? Since you said 'but', I assume the two sentences link together, but it's not all that clear. I'd make a full stop after 'shade', then ditch 'but' and make 'just' start a new paragraph. Briar faced the other way. 'Beneath' is kind of a sudden jump…

and the breeze came again,

I'd ditch that comma.

Or maybe he's there, in her bed.

I'm hoping you will explain this a bit more later on? Because at the moment it makes no sense.

Briar shifted, straining her neck when

Not a good transition. Hm… maybe 'to see a man…'? Or… something. 'When' just doesn't feel right.

The man's eyes settled; they had found what they sought.

Show him glance up at her first, and let us feel her reaction to seeing him.

Briar stood,

I feel like there should be 'raised' here…

“I'm barely even late,”

Yet she had time to break all those twigs AND sleep?

to their love

Comma.

Her lavender perfume lingered on his shirt and his sweat on hers.

I kind of want to see a bit more of their body language here. That'll tell us the most about them. Also, the scent thing at the end felt like it was just tacked on…

They were tired; hurt.

You already told us they were tired.

“She's here,” Eric said, pointing at his head and then flattening the hand against it, groping through his soft, blonde hair as if to reach the woman ensnared in his thoughts.

To reach or to crush? That's the perfect opportunity to show us how he really feels about that woman.

Calmly, Eric took hold of her wrists and held them tight until the skin went red and she released him with a little whimper.

Let us feel her pain, see his, feel why she won't let go, and all of that. I feel like you're telling me facts for that sentence, not showing me what's really happening. Body language, m'dear. XD

Overall Comments

*Claps* I love it!

Your main problem is a lack of body language. Especially when words are too hard to be spoken, we rely on that, and we'll learn so much more of these characters if you show us this.

Also, don't forget the setting. Slip in little comments every once in a while, just to keep the mood set.

And what time period is this? With the names and the horses and Eric's clothes, I'd assume a few years ago – however long ago it was that we rode all the time. But if that's true, would Briar really be wearing pants? (You said she had a shirt on, so I'm assuming she also has pants. Didn't girls ride in dresses?) However, I fail at history, so I may be completely off.

PM me for anything, including more chapters, or any other fiction you write. XD

~JFW1415

Nice.
I could really visualize everything well, and Briar was easy to identify with.
Interesting name, by the way.

I like the plot, and you do paint some pretty good pictures,
but I think you're trying too hard.
Loosen up!

You may be one of those people who just absolutely loves describing things;
not consciously deciding to.

Thats not a bad thing!
In fact, this should really get you far in poetry!
I really enjoyed this, you should definitely do more romance.

I look forward to reading more of your work!

Hey Kit. : )

This is beautifully written. I love the tone and the imagery. You build suspense well, and the characters are well drawn. I'm not sure about how Briar speaks...but I'll be more specific about that in a minute...I'm just going to add bracketed comments because that will make it easier;



"The air was torrid; it settled about the blossom tree in a menacing beam of concentrated heat. The dry branches were shaken, softly, (I'd get rid of the commas around "softly" as you don't need them. I think I'd try "softly shaken".) by a failing breeze. A confetti snowstorm swirled down, landing upon Briar, the soft, pink flakes settling on her denim clad(I think "clad" is a little too much...maybe try something less decorative like "covered")legs; crumpled, (you don't need this comma) pink top; arms; feet; face. They swept around a discarded pair of riding boots and were ensnared in chestnut, spider-web curls.(lovely) A moment later, they were brushed away by a slender, [s]roaming[/s](too many adjectives!) hand as Briar awoke. She yawned and stretched, her [s]oval[/s] (I get what you're trying to do, but this sounds a little strange) face tilted towards the sun which spilled generously across her features: large, hazel eyes; soft, sensual lips; rosy cheeks; a mushroom nose. (The description is good but she sounds a little too perfect. What are her pysical flaws?)She waited upon the grassy mound, shaking despite the heat. (I'd try something else instead of "heat" as you use it later. Maybe "humid air" or something.)Already a small mound of broken twigs had been victim to her fury.(Good sentence) He has not come.


The heat was uncomfortable and the tree offered little shade. [s]but [/s]just beyond the mound was a grove of orange trees.[s] and a [/s]pathetic, little stream ran alongside them. Briar faced the other way. Beneath her legs, the grass was dry and prickly, but she was persistent, and the breeze came again, with sweet relief. What if he came and found [s]me [/s] her sleeping? Briar's anger abated [s]for a moment [/s] (you don't really need this.)as she considered this, squinting sourly (nice sibilance)into the distance. But her gaze fell upon the small farmhouse and she clawed up handfuls of grass. (You set the scene beautifully, it's very vivid). Or maybe he was there, in her bed.


Briar shifted, straining her neck when she saw a man on horseback approaching the mound. He dismounted wearily, his shoulders hunched and his eyes darting from side to side. He tied his horse beside hers, to the single fence post [s]that showed signs of having recently been moved[/s]: the ground had been freshly disturbed and the white paint-work carelessly chipped. The man's eyes settled; they had found what they sought. He began to climb the mound with ease, his riding boots flattening the grass into a crooked path. Briar stood, her arms held out to greet him, but the embrace was awkward. (Good)


The man withdrew and walked the distance to the tree, shuffling through the blossom petals and pausing at the broken twigs. A wry smile tugged at the corners of his lips.

“How long-” Briar started angrily but calmed her voice. “How long, Eric? How long [s]must[/s] do I have to I wait for you?” (She seems to be speaking a little formally, and then he answers back colloquially, which felt a little off to me. Maybe try making her speech more natural.)

“I'm barely even late,” Eric stated gruffly, his voice scraping against the tension in the air.

“Don't pretend to misunderstand!”(Again this sounds a tad forced) Briar approached his unyielding back, her arms [s]held out[/s] outstretched. “How long-” she wrapped her arms about his torso, feeling the sweat [s]entwined [/s](this sounds a little strange. Maybe try something like "permeating".)with his white shirt. “-must I wait-” Briar placed her head on his shoulder, her chin fitting smoothly into the nook. “-for us?”(You built the tension and suspense well here.) And then, she kissed the face as it turned towards her,(think it flows better with a comma here) the face with slate features and a prickly beard but with such a kissable mouth, cracked and dry from the sun's abuse. Briar kissed him harder, eager to revitalise that door-way to their love(Maybe this is me being a cynic but I don't like this phrase, I think it's too flowery.) but Eric broke away. His body trembled and he ran a nervous tongue across those same lips as if to wipe away the touch of her mouth on his.(Great description). Her lavender perfume lingered on his shirt and his sweat on hers. (This is a good line).


“I can't. Not now." Eric spoke harshly, his voice sounding cutting even at its quietest tone. (This sounds a bit at odds with "harshly".)His tired, grey eyes looked at the ground, fixed on that pile of broken twigs.(Good sentence) Briar's emotions flared("emotions flared" is a little vague. What emotions, exactly? And what do they do when they flair? Do they scald her throat, or rage round the pit of her stomach?) and she clenched her fists, [s]raised[/s] one brow raised. (twisted syntax!)

"Oh? Should I remind you who made the first move?" Eric didn't reply but [s]slowly[/s] he slowly raised his eyes [s]from the ground[/s].(You don't really need those last three words). They were tired; hurt.

"Should I remind you-"

"There's no need," Eric cut in, almost softly. "But it's gone too far. And I have to think of Sophie now."

“But she's not here!” Briar shrieked, her voice reaching an intolerable screech ("Screech" is too close to "shrieked", maybe try something like "intolerably high pitch.").

“She's here,” Eric said, pointing at his head and then flattening the hand against it, groping through his soft, blonde hair as if to reach the woman ensnared in his thoughts. (This is great)

“You can't let her come between us,” Briar pleaded, taking his hand away and holding it between both of hers.

“Neither can I forget.” (Maybe try "I can't forget, either", I think it sounds more natural and blends with his way of speaking.) Briar's eyes filled with tears as she clung to him, tugged at him, grabbing hold of his shirt and pulling him close. Calmly, Eric took hold of her wrists and held them tight until the skin went red and she released him with a little whimper. He let her go and walked heavily to the fence post. Briar rubbed her wrists and watched him leave.

“She will always be a shadow in our lives," she whispered bitterly." "

Overall this is really great. The characters are vivid and your description is amazing. You build suspense well, and it's a very interesting piece.
Hope this helps.

Jas

I'm in a real "imagery mood" at the moment and this was just the thing to read under the circumstances. I love descriptive pieces! They are my favourite kind and this certainly is descriptive! I'm going to read your other pieces now as your style has kind of got me hooked. Well done!

Your writing requires a lot of concentration, and I like this! I hate the mindnumbing romances you sometimes get on here which end up being all the same and do get quite boring!