The Christine Experiment #1 - The End

I drew a lot of inspiration for this piece from House of Leaves and Cloverfield. I think you like it if you like horror. I'm gonna be working on the second part right now, after I post this, so this won't be abandoned, because it's so dang creepy.

-

“Is—is it on? I can’t tell…”

“Yeah. Doesn’t that red light on the camera mean that it’s on?”

“I dunno. No one ever told me. Oh! Wait. It says it’s recording!”

“Really? Okay.”

“Go.”

We see a teenaged boy wearing a deep black hoodie. His hands are in his pockets, and he looks around himself. He is shivering. We see him in a dark room. Everything is black, except for the camera light shining on him.

“Um, okay. My name is Corey Peterson. It’s, uh—” Corey takes his left arm from his pocket, and he glances at his watch, “3:17 in the morning. We’ve been in the Christine House now for six hours .”

Corey stops talking and glances down at the floor, still shivering. We hear a female voice from behind the video camera:

“Corey… come on. We don’t have much tape left. Tell them.” Corey hesitantly looks up. His eyes are watering and he jams his hands into his pockets again. Cautiously, he looks behind his back.

“We’re the only ones left. It’s gotten the rest of them. It’s… gotten them all,” Corey whispers.

“Hurry!” It’s the same female voice again. Corey wipes his eyes and shakes his head.

“I—I can’t do it. Amanda, you tell ‘em…” The camera turns around the room. With the help of the camera light, we can see another part of the room; there is a cradle with a chair standing by it. The cradle is rocking, although nothing is pushing it. The camera turns more, and we see a teenaged girl. Tears are glistening down her face. Her thick brown eyes set on the camera.

“The house has taken them all. We don’t know what triggered it or anything right now. Corey and I are upstairs in the attic. We’re safe right now. If we go downstairs, it’ll take us. We’re trapped up here. We’ve—” The camera shifts again, and rests on a window. It is boarded up with two-by-fours. “blocked out the windows, like Jamie told us to. There is something out there.”

She wets her lips and shivers, shaking the camera slightly while doing so.

“Amanda?”

“What?”

“How are we supposed to get out of here?” The camera shifts back to Corey, where the light glares in his face. He squints and raises his hand, shielding his eyes.

“I don’t know. Do you think we can wait until morning? Our parents aren't going to realize that we’re missing until then. If our cell phones worked, we could call them, but this house kills off any electrical signals.” She is speaking to the camera now.

“Did you hear that?” Corey whispered. He is looking at the attic door. The camera jerks its view to the door, and the light shoots through the darkness. The door is boarded up much like the window. Two-by-fours are nailed sloppily, most not hammered in all the way. In the bottom right hand corner of the screen, we see Corey’s index finger pointing towards the door.

Everything is silent, except for Amanda’s shallow breathing. We wait an agonizing fifteen seconds before Corey speaks again.

“I—I thought I heard something—”

“Sh! Do you hear that?” Amanda cuts him off, and we hear something. At first it’s unrecognizable, but it slowly becomes a pulse.

“The house’s heartbeat…” Amanda whispers. Corey doesn’t hear her. The camera remains focused on the door for three more seconds before switching to Corey.

“What do you think that is?” he says, twisting his fingers. “Is it her?”

“It could be one of our guys…” Amanda says. Her hands start shaking, and the camera jerks. The lens becomes disoriented, and we are forced to watch the remaining two minutes and twenty-three seconds with a blurry view.

“It’s getting louder,” Amanda whispers, and steps back with the camera. Corey follows suit.

“I don’t think it’s one of us,” Corey states, and then the pulsing stops as soon as it had come. Another agonizing ten seconds of silence follows.

“What was tha—” Amanda began, but was cut short when there was a loud snap. The camera jerks up, and Amanda releases it. It falls and crashes on the floor. It tilts on its side, and we watch a something break through the attic door. The vision is still blurry, so we are not able to get a decent look at the figure.

In the very corner of the screen, Corey screams and knocks something over. Amanda takes another horrifying look at the black figure making its way into the attic. The two teenagers cling to each other. There is no possible escape route this time. Their screams are cut off as the dark figure overpowers them.

The shadow remains over the two teenager’s bodies for five seconds. Then, suddenly, it turns and passes the camera, knocking it upside down. At last, the view focuses, and the remaining ten seconds is complete silence. We watch the cradle swing back and forth, back and forth.

[begin useless crit]


*shudders* That was uber creepy. @_@

Her thick brown eyes set on the camera.

I think you want a different word instead of thick. It.. well, it just doesn't sound right. xD

Our parents are going to realize that we’re missing until then.

Aren't?

Besides that, I didn't really notice anything.

[end useless crit/]

I can't wait to read the next one!

I think this could be waaay more scary if you tried.

Tell what happened to the friends, use gory graphic details and all that good stuff.

'Twas good though, although I think what you're doing is trying to write morbid stuff just to make your parents mad. Good ideas don't come that way.

Keep up the good work, though!

-Sade

We’ve been in the Christine House now for six hours now.”

I would get rid of one of the 'now's and replace it with something else.


Intresting story. I was exploring YWS and this popped up in the corner, so I decided to click on. It is good and it does remind me somewhat of Cloverfield. Anywho, I only found that one problem and saw nothing else that would help you. Au revior.

Boon the Werewolf

Jaaaaared!

Okay, so not only do you rule for reading like, everything I've ever written, but this piece was fantastic. I can't wait to see where you'll go with it next. ^_^ The video camera is a neat idea because it catches everything--a camera isn't biased; only the person standing behind it is. It makes it all the creepier, because it feels legitimately factual.

THAT'S WHEN THE AUDIENCE DIED

...obscure indie music reference, anyone?

Anyway. The "we" voice is kind of weird--just make it plain third person present tense. You can describe the motion of the camera, but using "we" is kind of forced, and it feels like you're coercing readers into having a certain reaction. This isn't good in horror, because your reader's imagination is the scariest thing in the whole book. You want it to be able to flow free and wild.

THE SMELL OF FEAR

Because you have that unbiased view that a camera lens can give you, you can go all-out crazy on the physical symptoms of fear. Are the kids sweating? Are their teeth chattering? Are they pacing? Can we see a pulse going in their necks or temples? All this good stuff will make it believable when they say that there's "something" after them.

That something is another thing--come up with a good, cryptic detail that doesn't give everything away, but makes the kids seem like they know what they're talking about. If something's eating your friends, you tend to want to get a pretty good look at what it was. ^_~

__

Awesome sauce! Keep it coming, maaaaan.

Okay! So, Boy, massively general comment going on here – I do more and more of them don’t I? ^^

Well, okay. I’ve seen this before, I’ve watched it, I’ve read it and I’ve felt it. What I mean to say is: Cloverfield, Blair Witch Project, Amityville Horror, Rose Red. These are all movies, of course, although I know some are adaptations from books, but they bring about my meaning. This has been done before. Now! I’m not saying that you shouldn’t write this, or that you’re unoriginal. Far from it. You’ve got an amalgamation of ideas here. You just have to make them fit together in a way that doesn’t make it seem as though you’re just a fan of horror movies. (It doesn’t exactly seem like that right now, but close to it.)

What you have on your side is an ability to write. So I know you can make this into your own amazing piece of work. ^^

Sam is totally right about the “we” element, as soon as I read that I was put off. You mixed that idea with third person and it just ended up being a bit iffy. No worry! It’s not hard to change. It’s merely a matter of something like this:

Example:

“We see a teenaged boy wearing a deep black hoodie. His hands are in his pockets, and he looks around himself. He is shivering. We see him in a dark room. Everything is black, except for the camera light shining on him.”

Alternate Suggestion Example:

The camera is placed so that boy’s upper body is centre screen. He shivers, or the camera holder does, and the image blurs slightly. His clothes are dusty, and dust smears across his cheekbone. It adheres to the sweat that slides down his temple.

Alternately, again, you could just scrap the “we” perspective altogether – this may be preferable.

Now! I hate the first lines. No, well, I dislike them. This could just be because I am not used to dialogue to begin a novel. In this case it’s awesome because it means you’re doing something a little different. But it also feels like a movie beginning rather than a novel one. Whether you alter this or not is therefore up to you, but I think you might want to look at it again.

I’m not sure I like the idea of looking through the camera at all, now that I think about it. It works, you hardly notice it, but it’s sticking out at me now. What might be a little awesome would be slipping in between the two? Like an alternate perspective from the omnipresent to the camera’s angle.

Your end bit is... icky. I know, I know, I’m five years old with a lollipop in my mouth. But seriously, it feels too fast and there’s no suspense. Not for me, anyway. I’m a seasoned horror reader. I may not be able to watch it, but I can totally read it. I love it to gooey pieces, to be honest, when it isn’t cliché and horrible. Now, your story falls in the middle of that. You’re not cliché and horrible... but you’re on your way there. The main reason for this? I didn’t feel any suspense at all.

It was like “Hey there’s a camera. Now a boy. Now a girl. Now they’re dead.” The end, you know? I liked the rocker, though. It was kind of awesome. Mainly because you didn’t beat it to death, you used two lines and it equalled something creepy. But in any case I wanted a build up. This was a meander through. I didn’t feel their hitched breath, their freaking out, the tension in their bodies – except for the shaking. I would have loved to see the fear, hear the waver and feel the shudders, you know?

Example:

“Did you hear that?” Corey whispered. He is looking at the attic door. The camera jerks its view to the door, and the light shoots through the darkness. The door is boarded up much like the window. Two-by-fours are nailed sloppily, most not hammered in all the way. In the bottom right hand corner of the screen, we see Corey’s index finger pointing towards the door.”

Alternate Suggestion Example 2:

“Did you hear that?” Corey’s eyes are wide and his teeth are clenched on his pale lip. He is staring at the attic door; the single method of entrance from the house below. His hand shakes as he points toward it. But Amanda isn’t looking at him to see. She is already watching the door with fervour. The light from the camera bounces against the boards that hide the door. They’re poorly placed; the two-by-fours nailed sloppily. It was rushed, like the windows. Amanda shudders in a breath, her whole body shivering with the movement, forcing the camera to jitter across the boards. Shadows play against the door now, dust motes and invisible air breathing and dancing in the glow. She can hear nothing.

The point of which to say is something like that... I figure that a combination of short sentences and description will help you here. It's about the tension of the words and images combined, you know? I love horror. You can get an amazing thrill sometimes, reading about how Jakob climbs the ladder reaching toward the attic door, where he knows his siblings sleep. And feeling the dread as he does because you're not quite sure what's going to happen when

~ You have the situation but I'm not feeling the tension of action and word.

Okay. So that’s my critique. I know it might be a little confusing, I’m finding it hard to explain what I need from this piece that it doesn’t give me, so if you’ve any questions or want me to look at this again, pm me.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

“Is—is it on? I can’t tell…”

“Yeah. Doesn’t that red light on the camera mean that it’s on?”

“I dunno. No one ever told me. Oh! Wait. It says it’s recording!”

“Really? Okay.”

“Go.”

Lose that ellipsis there at the beginning. Completely unnecessary. Also, this dialogue seems a little light-hearted, considering the situation. At first, I thought they were just making a video that was supposed to be scary.

We see a teenaged boy wearing a deep black hoodie. His hands are in his pockets, and he looks around himself. He is shivering. We see him in a dark room. Everything is black, except for the camera light shining on him.

Black is black. I know it's hard - I'm tempted to do it myself, most of the time - but "black" doesn't really need a descriptor like "deep" or "dark." The phrase "he looks around himself" sounds very awkward. "His hands are in his pockets, and he's shivering as he looks around. We seem him in a dark room, illuminated only by the camera's light." Maybe something more along these lines?

“Um, okay. My name is Corey Peterson. It’s, uh—” Corey takes his left arm from his pocket, and he glances at his watch, “3:17 in the morning. We’ve been in the Christine House now for six hours .”

He still doesn't seem that scared. Is his voice cracking? Do his shivers cause a nervous tic? He sounds like he's making a normal documentary, here. I'd add some "show."

Corey stops talking and glances down at the floor, still shivering. We hear a female voice from behind the video camera:

“Corey… come on. We don’t have much tape left. Tell them.” Corey hesitantly looks up. His eyes are watering and he jams his hands into his pockets again. Cautiously, he looks behind his back.

“We’re the only ones left. It’s gotten the rest of them. It’s… gotten them all,” Corey whispers.

"Still shivering" seems like weak phrasing to me, here. Perhaps "overwhelmed by the shudders that still coursed through his body?" I'm not sure. It's hard to balance the clinical "this is what you see" precedent you've set here while still driving home the terror these kids must be feeling.
Also, remove the ellipses, both of 'em.
Other than that, I'd just take Corey's actions after Amanda speaks and put them in the same paragraph as his dialogue instead of with hers.

“Hurry!” It’s the same female voice again. Corey wipes his eyes and shakes his head.

“I—I can’t do it. Amanda, you tell ‘em…” The camera turns around the room. With the help of the camera light, we can see another part of the room; there is a cradle with a chair standing by it. The cradle is rocking, although nothing is pushing it. The camera turns more, and we see a teenaged girl. Tears are glistening down her face. Her thick brown eyes set on the camera.

Another unnecessary ellipsis. I know not everyone may agree with me on this, but, IMO, this form of punctuation should be avoided wherever possible.
Okay, I'd attach Corey's actions to his dialogue again, and then start a new paragraph with the camera turning.
You use "camera" twice in the two opening sentences. "With the help of its light..." would work better, I think. I think, also, that the semicolon you have there should be a colon, but I could be wrong on this point.
Either "Tears are glistening on her face," or "Tears are running down her face." I think I'd phrase the last two sentences as one, like this:
"Tears are glistening on her face as her large brown eyes focus on the lens."
"Thick" isn't an adjective I can't really see applying to eyes.

“The house has taken them all. We don’t know what triggered it or anything right now. Corey and I are upstairs in the attic. We’re safe right now. If we go downstairs, it’ll take us. We’re trapped up here. We’ve—” The camera shifts again, and rests on a window. It is boarded up with two-by-fours. “blocked out the windows, like Jamie told us to. There is something out there.”

She wets her lips and shivers, shaking the camera slightly while doing so.

"She wets her lips and shivers, which shakes the camera."

“Amanda?”

“What?”

“How are we supposed to get out of here?” The camera shifts back to Corey, where the light glares in his face. He squints and raises his hand, shielding his eyes.

“I don’t know. Do you think we can wait until morning? Our parents aren't going to realize that we’re missing until then. If our cell phones worked, we could call them, but this house kills off any electrical signals.” She is speaking to the camera now.

These are all questions that they've probably been asking themselves for quite some time. I'd expect to hear a certain resignation in their voices. Also, if the house kills electrical things, how are they able to make a video? Heck, if they've had the camera the whole time, why isn't there more video? I'd be interesting in seeing some footage at the beginning of the piece in which the kids are just fooling around taking video, and then perhaps it cuts to this scene.

“Did you hear that?” Corey whispered. He is looking at the attic door. The camera jerks its view to the door, and the light shoots through the darkness. The door is boarded up much like the window. Two-by-fours are nailed sloppily, most not hammered in all the way. In the bottom right hand corner of the screen, we see Corey’s index finger pointing towards the door.

"Door" twice in close succession, when a rewording could take care of it:
The camera jerks its view around, sending its light shooting through the darkness. The door is..."
Like that.
I don't know about Corey's index finger, there, but that's a personal call.

Everything is silent, except for Amanda’s shallow breathing. We wait an agonizing fifteen seconds before Corey speaks again.

“I—I thought I heard something—”

“Sh! Do you hear that?” Amanda cuts him off, and we hear something. At first it’s unrecognizable, but it slowly becomes a pulse.

“The house’s heartbeat…” Amanda whispers. Corey doesn’t hear her. The camera remains focused on the door for three more seconds before switching to Corey.

“What do you think that is?” he says, twisting his fingers. “Is it her?”

“It could be one of our guys…” Amanda says. Her hands start shaking, and the camera jerks. The lens becomes disoriented, and we are forced to watch the remaining two minutes and twenty-three seconds with a blurry view.

Again with the ellipses. They really shouldn't be as popular as they are.
You start talking about seconds all of a sudden in this section, when you haven't really timed anything like this up until now. I'd suggest either defining the entire piece second-by-second, or using a vaguer measure here.

“It’s getting louder,” Amanda whispers, and steps back with the camera. Corey follows suit.

“I don’t think it’s one of us,” Corey states, and then the pulsing stops as soon as it had come. Another agonizing ten seconds of silence follows.

I'd say "as abruptly as it had begun" or "as quickly as it had begun."

“What was tha—” Amanda began, but was cut short when there was a loud snap. The camera jerks up, and Amanda releases it. It falls and crashes on the floor. It tilts on its side, and we watch a something break through the attic door. The vision is still blurry, so we are not able to get a decent look at the figure.

A slip into past tense there at the beginning of the paragraph.
"Amanda begins, but she is cut off by a loud snap.
"It falls and crashes on the floor, tilted to the side, and we are able to see something break through the attic door."
Just those little stylistic things.

In the very corner of the screen, Corey screams and knocks something over. Amanda takes another horrifying look at the black figure making its way into the attic. The two teenagers cling to each other. There is no possible escape route this time. Their screams are cut off as the dark figure overpowers them.

Since Corey is screaming and knocking stuff over, rather than doing anything we actually see, it feels a little odd to use the visual reference of the corner of the screen.
"In the very corner of the screen, we see something fall to the floor as Corey screams," perhaps?
And Amanda is in the visual, now? You might want to make a little more of a reference to that, and to the fact that she is screaming as well, before they start huddling together and getting their screams cut off.

The shadow remains over the two teenager’s bodies for five seconds. Then, suddenly, it turns and passes the camera, knocking it upside down. At last, the view focuses, and the remaining ten seconds is complete silence. We watch the cradle swing back and forth, back and forth.

The apostrophe should be after the "s" in "teenagers'," since there are two of them.



Overall Impressions:
To be honest, I wasn't really that thrilled by this story. Okay, there's a ghost and it's killing teenagers who were stupid enough to intrude on its haunt and not tell anyone where they are going. That's the same plot of every other ghost story out there, and the amateur video camera just makes it seem like a text-transcript version of a Blair-Witch-type thing. All we have here is a vague, undefined figure that kills the two characters in some vague, undefined way, after having presumably done the same to some vague, undefined friends that don't even enter the storyline. We're given no reason whatsoever to care about Corey and Amanda, especially since we're introduced to them at their most pathetic, as they wait for death to come and find them. If you just wanted to focus on the horror of it all, that's fine, but you'll really need to go all out in showing us the fear in these kids, rather than just telling it all from the rather clinical, detached viewpoint behind the camera. Give us some more emotion!

Anyway, don't be too discouraged by my opinion. I'm not really a fan of the "monster" type horror, preferring more of the psychological-type. Someone who's more into this type of story might have a better opinion of the whole situation.

I think this story is interesting as a beginning, I'd like to hear more for it to be really good. I can see the Cloverfield influences (although I've never heard of the other one you mentioned).

I have to say I didn't like the 'we' viewpoint it was pretty weird, I felt a bit disconnected from the story because of it. The fear was a bit dulled. I do kind of like the camera-viewpoint though, I think it'd be very interesting if this was a sort of police video (Cloverfield style) and then the story continues as a sort of investigation - not necessarily the police, maybe a journalist or something like The Ring.

It's definately a good start, you do suspense really well and the ending was just perfect.

Anyway, onto the line-by-line.

---------------------------------------------

“Is—is it on? I can’t tell…”

“Yeah. Doesn’t that red light on the camera mean that it’s on?”

“I dunno. No one ever told me. Oh! Wait. It says it’s recording!”

“Really? Okay.”

“Go.”

We see a teenaged boy wearing a deep black hoodie. His hands are in his pockets, and he looks around himself. He is shivering. We see him in a dark room. Everything is black, except for the camera light shining on him.

“Um, okay. My name is Corey Peterson. It’s, uh—” Corey takes his left arm from his pocket, and he glances at his watch, “3:17 in the morning. We’ve been in the Christine House now for six hours .” There's a space between hours and the fullstop =]

Corey stops talking and glances down at the floor, still shivering. We hear a female voice from behind the video camera:

“Corey… come on. We don’t have much tape left. Tell them.” Corey hesitantly looks up. His eyes are watering and he jams his hands into his pockets again. Cautiously, he looks behind his back.

“We’re the only ones left. It’s gotten the rest of them. It’s… gotten them all,” Corey whispers.

“Hurry!” It’s the same female voice again. I'm not sure about "same female voice" sounds kinda clinical. And there's only those two there right? Corey wipes his eyes and shakes his head.

“I—I can’t do it. Amanda, you tell ‘em…” The camera turns around the room. With the help of the camera light, we can see another part of the room; there is a cradle with a chair standing by it. The cradle is rocking, although nothing is pushing it. The camera turns more, and we see a teenaged girl. Tears are glistening down I'd like "on" better than "down" her face. Her thick brown eyes are set on the camera.

“The house has taken them all. We don’t know what triggered it or anything right now. Corey and I are upstairs in the attic. We’re safe right now. You said "right now" twice here. If we go downstairs, it’ll take us. We’re trapped up here. We’ve—” The camera shifts again, and rests on a window. It is boarded up with two-by-fours. “blocked out the windows, like Jamie told us to. There is something out there.”

She wets her lips and shivers, shaking the camera slightly while doing so.

“Amanda?”

“What?”

“How are we supposed to get out of here?” The camera shifts back to Corey, where the light glares in his face. He squints and raises his hand, shielding his eyes.

“I don’t know. Do you think we can wait until morning? Our parents aren't going to realize that we’re missing until then. If our cell phones worked, we could call them, but this house kills off any electrical signals.” She is speaking to the camera now. I hate this sort of speak, but it might be better if you show this rather than tell it, like maybe have one of them try and check their phone but get frustrated when it doesn't work...

“Did you hear that?” Corey whispered. He is looking at the attic door. The camera jerks its view to the door, and the light shoots through the darkness. The door is boarded up much like the window. Two-by-fours are nailed sloppily, most not hammered in all the way. In the bottom right hand corner of the screen, we see Corey’s index finger pointing towards the door.

Everything is silent, except for Amanda’s shallow breathing. We wait an agonizing fifteen seconds before Corey speaks again.

“I—I thought I heard something—”

“Sh! Do you hear that?” Amanda cuts him off, and we hear something. At first it’s unrecognizable, but it slowly becomes a pulse.

“The house’s heartbeat…” Amanda whispers. Corey doesn’t hear her. The camera remains focused on the door for three more seconds before switching to Corey.

“What do you think that is?” he says, twisting his fingers. “Is it her?”

“It could be one of our guys…” Amanda says. Her hands start shaking, and the camera jerks. The lens becomes disoriented, and we are forced to watch the remaining two minutes and twenty-three seconds with a blurry view.

“It’s getting louder,” Amanda whispers, and steps back with the camera. Corey follows suit.

“I don’t think it’s one of us,” Corey states, and then the pulsing stops as soon as it had come. Another agonizing ten seconds of silence follows. I don't really like all the seconds and minutes references, again kind of too specific for the mood.

“What was tha—” Amanda began, but was cut short when there was a loud snap. The tense here has changed to past tense. The camera jerks up, and Amanda releases it. It falls and crashes on the floor. It tilts on its side, and we watch a something I don't like "a something" it sounds weird break through the attic door. The vision is still blurry, so we are not able to get a decent look at the figure.

In the very corner of the screen, Corey screams and knocks something over. Amanda takes another horrifying look at the black figure making its way into the attic. The two teenagers cling to each other. There is no possible escape route this time. Their screams are cut off as the dark figure overpowers them. I love this paragraph.

The shadow remains over the two teenager’s bodies for five seconds. Then, suddenly, it turns and passes the camera, knocking it upside down. At last, the view focuses, and the remaining ten seconds is complete silence. We watch the cradle swing back and forth, back and forth. Awesome ending.

Hey BBB!!

Did you know that almost half of the time your work is displayed in the corner at the top of the page? Well anyways, I saw this piece and I knew that I needed to read it because you're just such an amazing writing...getting on to the critique....

You created suspense, which is good when you're writing a horror story. Please please please write another part to this because I feel that this story could be way better from the eyes of someone inside the house. Maybe the two teenagers turn into ghost and try to run the next guest out of the house, I don't know.

Also, I felt that your characters had the acting factor which means that they were putting on a show for the camera. Paint the fear of these teenagers as if you were them in this haunted house. Work with emotions and have the person who is watching this video see the fear.

As always, you amaze me but just give this piece a little elbow grease and it'll be more fantastic then it already is. Please please please, if you edit or post a second part to this, feel free to PM me.
Good job and Keep writing,
Your friendly YWS Angel,

-Raven