Young Writers Society

This was going to be my nanowrimo last year, but I never got around to doing it. I just found my outline for it recently and decided this is what I would try. Ignore the other things that say related topics because those are my past stories. The original name to this piece was Lethero's Tale, but that didn't sound catchy enough so I changed it to a title that I'm quite fond of: Lycanthropy. I will mark the newer ones with a astrik. Enjoy.


A pained scream tore through the silent night in the town of Zeinta. Slowly, the scream died away, leaving the village silent once more. A second scream tore broke the quiet minutes later. Gradually that too died away to leave the town peacefully quiet once more.

Geedo held up two bundles of rough deer hide blankets in his arms. In the dim light from the single candle of a small shack, barely visible under the covers two crying male cubs squirmed underneath. Nicarga laid her head against the rough pillow, panting heavily. With an enormous effort she lifted her heavy head off the pillow. Her gaze fell upon the cubs Geedo held in his dark arms.

“Do you wish to hold them, Nicarga?” Geedo asked. She simply nodded her head and adjusted her bodies in preparation to hold the precious bundles.

Geedo handed her the first cub, his skin a deep auburn and eyes as blue as the midday sky. “Scado,” Nicarga whispered as she held the baby close in her arm. Carefully Geedo helped settle the second cub in the crook of her other arm. Nicarga gasped in shock as she looked at the baby. His eyes were red, his skin pale, and what little hair on his head was white as the snow in winter. “He’s just like Colaster: the eyes, the skin, everything.”

“Then it means he most likely inherited The Curse,” Geedo said solemnly. “We should–”

“No! I will not kill my son!” Nicarga replied angrily. “You know the chances of a Wolf inheriting The Curse are unlikely.”

“I do, but if he is like Colaster, as you said, he will have most likely inherited The Curse.” Crossing his arms Geedo stared intently at the little child before him, hoping he could find, with certainty, that this baby did not have The Curse. “We will only know when he’s older . . . ” He turned away and stared out the window, trying to give himself a reason to not look at the cub. “So, what shall you name him?”

“Lethero,” Nicarga said silently.

“The first Wolf that got The Curse?” Geedo blurted out.

“Is there a problem with it, Geedo?”

“No, but why that name?”

“Maybe he will redeem the name. Maybe he will be the one to rid the Wolves of The Curse. Maybe...” Nicarga settled down on her bed, Lethero and Scado both silently asleep in her arms. She too fell asleep as the sun peaked over the horizon.

Geedo continued to silently stare out the misted window, pondering if it was the right decision to let Lethero live. Turning around he stared intently at Nicarga and her cubs. Lethero slept deeply, his skin glowing in the light of the rising sun, giving him a paler appearance. “Terra, preserve us,” Geedo whispered when he saw the sun reflect off the white fur that had spread across Lethero’s body. “Terra, preserve us all.” Turning, he left the room before he could change his mind, praying he made the right choice.

Hola Ashy!

“A pained scream tore through the silent night in the town of Zeinta.”
< A good hook. Good first line.

“A second scream tore broke the quiet minutes later.”
< “tore broke”? I like the idea of “tore” here. I’d use that one.

“Gradually that too died away to leave the town peacefully quiet once more.”
< I don’t think you need the end of this line “to leave… more” It’s superfluous, and ended with “Gradually that too died away” is a real hook, for me at least.

“In the dim light from the single candle of a small shack, barely visible under the covers two crying male cubs squirmed underneath.”
< I’d suggest taking out “of a small shack” It’s a little clunky to read. Add a comma after “covers” and I’d suggest removing “underneath.” It’s a repetition of “under” from earlier in the sentence, so it feels odd.

“With an enormous effort she lifted her heavy head off the pillow.”
< I’d suggest adding a “then” to the start of this line. Merely because you just had her lie her head down.

“She simply nodded her head and adjusted her bodies in preparation to hold the precious bundles.”
< Does she have two bodies, or is that a typo? (two bodies would be stunningly awesome, by the way) And I don’t think you need “her head” here, just because we all know what nodding involves in the case of people/animals/whatever.

Oh I like this! I wasn’t sure I would, to be honest, because I was like “ew, werewolves” but you write well, your dialogue is really suitable and interesting. Lovely work on that. ^^ I liked the alternation between the screams and the birth. It felt strong and was a fluid movement, which doesn’t always happen. Nice work.

My comments are as above, I look forward to the next bit you write, give me a buzz when you get it up, I’d love to read it.

*Hearts* Le Penugin.

Hmm... For some reason, this feels like a generic opener for a fantasy novel. Not necessarily a bad thing, many people love reading generic fantasy books, but just not really my cup of tea. If you want to break away from being generic, I suppose you could try telling the story in a more interesting perspective or use a more unusual approach to telling it. I don't know, just a suggestion.

Okay, comments:


The first paragraph seems to sound quite repetitive, I suppose it's because you almost repeated the second sentence twice.

Asides from that opening line, I guess much of the other things you could fix yourself during your self-edit after you're done writing.

Another suggestion I would make is perhaps you should add more description of your settings, and the overall atmosphere of the piece. I felt that there were not enough of those to enhance the story.

Well, that's all. D: Good luck!

Bonjour, mon petit Boon! Stella here!

Right so. I love werewolves very much, so this shall be fun to rip apart...

I. NITPICKS

A second scream tore broke the quiet minutes later.

"tore broke"???

Gradually that too died away to leave the town peacefully quiet once more.

Don't repeat the "once more". Use it in this sentence, but not the first time.

adjusted her bodies in preparation to hold the precious bundles.

Bodies? She has more than one?

his skin a deep auburn

While auburn is a lovely word, in general, it's used to describe hair, not skin.

Right so.

II. UM... CONFUSION

They're called cubs, but they're babies? Huh?

And Lethero suddenly has fur in the sunlight? Why?

You've set yourself up well here, but I was very confused.

Another thing was, I couldn't decide who their father was. Geedo or Colaster?

III. REALITY

Well, as weird as the subject is, we're going to talk about childbirth.

She'd scream a lot more than twice. A lot more. It's a very painful process, and it wouldn't only be two screams.

Also, why is it a man delivering the children? Okay, I don't have any qualms with it, but it seems this was set back in the past (or you know, a fantasy world which is like the past). Which probably means it would be a midwife. It would probably still be a midwife. If he was their father, it would make sense for him to be there, but actually delivering the children? It was confusing as to who he was.

And another thing. So, let's just pretend you're a citizen in Zeinta, and you hear screaming in the middle of a silent night. Then you hear it again. You're not going to go and see who's in trouble? Or at least stir at the noise.

IV. OVERALL

Your characters also need developing, but as this is kind of prologue-y, I'm guessing that will happen in later parts.

It was well written, my only quibble is how confusing it was! If this is a prologue, don't confuse us so much! Make it clear who Geedo is, who their father is, and what species they are!

Keep on rolling, and PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella.

Yup,confusing is the word allright,

Who is Colastor?The cubs father?Nicarga's father?Brother?Whoever he is you should describe him later.

Who is Geedo?If he is a the one who is delivering the cubs why does he care about them?confusing.

Okay,fix these,

A second scream tore broke the quiet minutes later

No need for both of them

adjusted her bodies

She has one head and two bodies?

cool but a little illusive all the same.

You know the chances of a Wolf inheriting The Curse are unlikely.”

Put "that"between 'know' and 'the'.

Turning, he left the room before he could change his mind

Change his mind about what?

About killing Lethero?

Fix these up and your story will be better.

Good luck.

Hey Boon. i guess this is one of the reasons Serenity chose you to be the head lycan huh

A pained scream tore through the silent night in the town of Zeinta. Slowly, the scream died away, leaving the village silent once more. A second scream tore (breaking the silence minutes later) broke the quiet minutes later. Gradually that too died away to leave the town peacefully quiet once more.

Geedo held up two bundles of rough deer hide blankets in his arms. In the dim light from the single candle of a small shack, barely visible under the covers two crying male cubs squirmed underneath. Nicarga laid her head against the rough pillow, panting heavily. With an enormous effort she lifted her heavy head off the pillow. Her gaze fell upon the cubs Geedo held in his dark arms.

“Do you wish to hold them, Nicarga?” Geedo asked. She simply nodded her head and adjusted her bodies (should be body unless she has multiple bodies) in preparation to hold the precious bundles.

Geedo handed her the first cub, his skin a deep auburn and eyes as blue as the midday sky. “Scado,” Nicarga whispered as she held the baby close in her arm. Carefully Geedo helped settle the second cub in the crook of her other arm. Nicarga gasped in shock as she looked at the baby. His eyes were red, his skin pale, and what little hair on his head was white as the snow in winter. “He’s just like Colaster: the eyes, the skin, everything.”

“Then it means he most likely inherited The Curse,” Geedo said solemnly. “We should–”

“No! I will not kill my son!” Nicarga replied angrily. “You know the chances of a Wolf inheriting The Curse are unlikely.”

“I do, but if he is like Colaster, as you said, he will have most likely inherited The Curse.” Crossing his arms Geedo stared intently at the little child before him, hoping he could find, with certainty, that this baby did not have The Curse. “We will only know when he’s older . . . ” He turned away and stared out the window, trying to give himself a reason to not look at the cub. “So, what shall you name him?”

“Lethero,” Nicarga said silently.

“The first Wolf that got The Curse?” Geedo blurted out.

“Is there a problem with it, Geedo?”

“No, but why that name?”

“Maybe he will redeem the name. Maybe he will be the one to rid the Wolves of The Curse. Maybe...” Nicarga settled down on her bed, Lethero and Scado both silently asleep in her arms. She too fell asleep as the sun peaked over the horizon.

Geedo continued to silently stare out the misted window, pondering if it was the right decision to let Lethero live. Turning around he stared intently at Nicarga and her cubs. Lethero slept deeply, his skin glowing in the light of the rising sun, giving him a paler appearance. “Terra, preserve us,” Geedo whispered when he saw the sun reflect off the white fur that had spread across Lethero’s body. (Here you say that he has fur but above you mentioned he had only a little fur??) “Terra, preserve us all.” Turning, he left the room before he could change his mind, praying he made the right choice.

Well the other mistakes have been pointed out by the othr Members. So this is all i can get.


By the way wont you post for the 'Roleplay'??

Boon, I saw a few other pieces of this and I'm afraid I am reading the wrong one...I know you said something about astriks for decided to read this one. Hopefully it is the right one to read

A second scream tore broke the quiet minutes later.

Use either "tore" or "broke". Both together doesn't make sense.

All right, this sounds interesing. Different from all other werewolf stories I have read. The only thing that confused me, and yes I know this a prologue so not much is said, but you seem to be missing something in the end. It just kind of cut off. I think you should add more to his thoughts or something. I don't know...I just felt like something was missing.

Hope this helps!