Intro
So I guess I should begin by introducing myself and letting you in on some interesting little facts and details. This little book is really just numerous, intense events that I figured people like you might appreciate, love, hate, or, hell, might even be able to relate to. Although I am only in my mid 20’s, I have been through more shit than you could possibly imagine. But I am sympathetic to others and I don’t brag about my life being, at times, a shit hole. I even acknowledge the fact that there are definitely other people out there that have had a more “shitty-er” life than I ever have had, which makes me feel neutral because I frankly don’t give a shit about what the hell else happens in someone else’s worthless life, unless it has to do with me.
At the age of 15 (give or take), I finally found out who I really am. It was hard, harder than you could possibly imagine, but I sure as hell did it. I’m the type of person who’s got one of them crazy ass personalities so I figured I’d do you a favor by doing this:
A short list of my unique and spontaneous personality:
1. I love to swear. Shit, damn, fuck, and all them other words I love to hear. That just about covers it all but don’t you worry, by the time your done reading this Intro, you’ll be immune to my swearing. So don’t be shocked or be shocked if you really feel the need to. I don’t give a fuck. Swears are words too, God dammit.
2. I’m as stubborn as an ass! I don’t want help from someone else and it’s difficult for me to admit that I am wrong (because I never am).
3. I am incredibly competitive, an over-achiever (well I try to be), and a perfectionist (not to mention I have a compulsive disorder obsessive, which basically is obsessive compulsive disorder, but in alphabetical order)
4. I love drugs. Marijuana, coke, shrooms; you name it, I do it (or have tried it). Drugs equal my whole entire worthless life. I know it sounds crazy that someone who’s competitive, an over-achiever and a perfectionist can also be a complete and utter drug addict but you know what? I’m just fucking talented. That’s what it is. Talent. Who else do you know that can do that? Yeah, that’s right. No one. And even if you knew someone, they can’t pull it off like me. Shit.
5. I’m one motherfucking talented son of a bitch (Bam, refer to number 4).
6. I easily fall in and out of love, which I’m pretty damn sure means that the relationships I’m in, definitely ain’t love but it feels like it, so you can just fuck off. I could just change it to, ‘I fall in and out of lust,’ but that sounds fucking scanky as all hell.
7. I LOVE MEN. I love them hot boys who bring you candy and flowers so you can feel all special inside even though the only reason they’re giving you this shit is because they’re horny ass selves need some booty. I know there aren’t any boys out there that are similar to the ones that I see in those gay ass motherfucking chick flicks, but dammit, a girl can dream. And of course, you can’t hear ‘I love men’ without hearing, I LOVE SEX. That’s pretty self-explanatory.
8. I am not religious. I was raised and confirmed as a Catholic, but that was when I was a young and foolish child. You see, my mother, along with the gay (not literally gay because I actually love gay people. I’m just using this word as a bad term, which makes no sense, but what the hell in this world actually makes sense?) church community, tried to brainwash me into thinking that miracles and all that fake bullshit happens, but luckily, I escaped all that bull shit. If you are religious, it may not be the best idea to read this. I give you permission to skip to number nine before you think of me as the spawn of the devil. To me, religion is a cult. It’s where stupid people go to worship this god that doesn’t do shit in your life. If a person truly believed in god, they wouldn’t go to church because church is not only BORRRRRING, but it’s the most pointless thing since stupid fucking people came up with the idea that dolls should be able to pee (Dolls are toys. Toys don’t fucking pee. Period). We shouldn’t have to go to church to prove your loyalty to this guy, and the stories are the same each and ever single motherfucking year! No God is worth praying for or going to church for. But in all honestly, I truly believe that Jesus existed and that he was just like me, a druggie. I’m sure we would have been the best of friends. All that shit that he does, waking the dead and healing the sick; I can do that shit too! Just give me a quarter of shrooms and a dead body. I’m like Jesus’ daughter, how sick is that?
9. I have a very dry sense of humor (or so I have been told). But then again, why would I even begin to give a fuck? I think I’m funny. That’s all that matters. I’m even funny when I’m pissed, but that's only 'cause I get really sarcastic.
And 10. I am a fucking sexy ass bitch. I’m not trying to sound cocky; I’m just really confident and I love my body more than anything in this world. Obviously, I’m not perfect. I have many flaws, but shit, that’s what makes me, me. You’d be confident too if you felt the way I felt and looked the way I looked. Fine ass hips, banging booty, perky ass tits, and damn I can move. I got it all.
Well there it is. My list of who I am. It’s not a hell of a long list, but this describes me to my fullest. With my personality out there for the world to read, hopefully you can understand me and the way I act. I’m sure I didn’t get every single detail but you don’t need to know me that well, you fucking weirdo.
