Young Writers Society

my criticism is more in line with Caligula's Launderette's. I personally think that you don't listen to what the other guys are mostly saying. I think your story is practically perfect the way it is. i laughed so much reading your story than in a long time. i don't think that it was a smart move to post what the moral was (the reader is supposed to interpret, you just tell the story).

I liked the ending and how it came full circle with the beginning. It really sent out a tone that they are just ordinary people with ordinary lives, and this particular incident was pretty ordinary as well. You did a great job in giving out enough details to paint the proper scene and images without over doing it (the subtleness is great; takes a lot of talent to do that properly).

I think the description of the cashier is not unnecessary. Technically, her hair and sweater doesn’t really do anything or characterize her, but it does force the reader to think, “yeah, I’ve met an ugly fat bitch like her in real life.”

I think you should keep the “So is the one in your wife’s belly your first?” line. Gerald’s word choice characterizes him as a gentle, sincere, kind man. Saying “wife’s belly” is kind of a gentle, polite thing to say. It really reveals his personality.

I also think that you should keep the “weird cravings” lines as well. It makes Tom seem that he is new to the pregnancy thing and that he just discovered that pregnant women get cravings. It reveals something about his relationship with his spouse (it doesn’t matter if she’s his wife, girlfriend, or whatever. Mentioning it in the story will be too distracting and unnecessary because it doesn’t matter if they‘re married or not).

God, this reminded me so much of Hemingway’s “Hills like white elephants” and JD Salinger’s “A Perfect Day for Bananafish.” Your story is so simple, subtle, and brilliant. There’s not much in your story, so message is so subtle and hard to find. As a reader, I enjoy searching the text and interpreting what the writer is trying to say. The characters are the only things there, so I had to look at them and their relationships carefully to conclude that the modest and kind are praised (Tom and Gerald) while the other stupid guys will suffer the consequences of their stupidity later (the young couple and the agent). You have real talent. I think the dialog is well crafted (don’t change it!). There were so many funny parts, like Tom’s conversation with his wife/gf via cell phone about the Neapolitan.

But you don’t have to listen to me or my crit. Do what you want.

I really like your characters and how they develop in so short a time. The descriptions are great (I'm kind of jealous), and I could get into the story.

The plot build-up is good. I don't want to critique it until I've read more, however. I felt like it was only beginning.

Just one thing: Why should Tom care about two kids that he doesn't even know? They seem like low-life people (getting beer and everything), and Tom isn't even a father yet. Is he just that type of guy, to worry about everyone and everything? I think it would have been a bit better to portray WHY Tom is so concerned.

Keep writing. I'll be watching for Part 2.

Please don't write a part 2! it's a greatshort story already and the only way to go from here is a slick spiral to the seventh realm of hell if you continue this story.

Don't worry. ^_^

It was only ever meant to be a stand alone story. I think some people are just confused by the ending, as they're not used to reading that type of ending.

Hey Trident!

Finally getting to your other request! You didn't disappoint, either; this was chock-full of lovely, lovely dialogue, so I thank you for not posting something that would torture my poor soul.

I agree with Cal, about subtlety really being your strength here, though the quick dialogue was a big bonus too. The interaction between husband and wife, between Tom and Gerald - both very well done. Tom's observations on the young couple, the sleazy guy, and the other patrons were all great too. And the ice cream adventure is relatable if you have even a semi-tyrannical female in your life.

I didn't even notice that it was present tense until Suzanne mentioned it in her critique, so points for that too. When present works, it really works, and here it works so well I didn't even notice you'd done it, simply got caught up in the moment of the story. Very nice.

I have little to say about this - disappointing, perhaps, considering it took me months to finally get around to critiquing all the things on my request thread, but there's little to say here. Just a great piece - thoroughly readable, enjoyable, clever, well-characterized. Couldn't ask for more.

I would love to see something like this in the next YWS Journal. Very nice work.